I just found this site and I can't believe all the stories I'm reading about the experiences between MM and OW. I've been with a MM for over two years. I'm also playing the waiting game. I've heard all the excuses. I met my MM when I was married. His wife was pregnant. We were both lonely for a lot of different reasons and thought that maybe we could use the affair to stay in the marriage. I couldn't do it. I left my husband. He had his first child. After a 1 1/2 years into the affair his wife caught us for the third time. she told him to leave the house. He lives on his own but his wife patrols him as if he lived at home. He goes to her house every night to play with the baby. He tells me he is leaving but wants his wife to realize that they do not belong together. She has asked him to move back in he has said no several times. My MM and I speak everyday and see eachother 2 times a week. He doesn't want her to think that he is leaving her for me. I'm exhausted. He tells me that he is leaving. I'm not sure anymore. I think I should leave him and hope he comes to me. I'm lost. I don't know if I should wait just a little longer. It will soon be a year since his wife kicked him out. I'm sure she is tired of all this as well. She is an attractive woman and has a life. I think she is hanging on for the baby. What do I do? after reading all of the threads on this forum I feel sick and completely confused.
It's time to play hard ball with him. If he wants to be with you, then it's time to ask for a divorce. Seems he isn't sure what he really wants, which is probably why he hasn't closed the door by getting a divorce.
Since you've been reading about the OW/MM outcome and how the story usually goes, I don't need to say too much.
For your own peace of mind, take control of the situation! He needs to ***** or get off the pot. It's not fair to you if he really has no plans to make a committment. And if he does decide to divorce, remember his exwife will always be part of your life and you may be step mom to this baby. There's alot to think about...Is he worth it? Or would it be better long term for you to end it now, walk away, get some therapy if you need help dealing with the loss and then go on with your life to be with a man who is single and will just with you? Love only you...
I'm scared to lose him. I've dedicated a lot of time to this man. We have a strong connection. I know..I know you've heard that before. He does tell me that he loves me and wouldn't be putting everything at risk if he didn't. We both married for the wrong reasons, which became much more apparant when we met eachother. We have tried to break up in the past but it has never lasted for more than a couple of weeks. I'm afraid that this time with be no different and I will only put myself through the agony of losing him. The only thing I can say is that I'm started to hate him for having me in this state of limbo for so long. His baby is turning 2 in a month. I know he will not do anything before that. Do I wait until after her birthday to leave?
Timing will never be good.
He needs to decide. On the other hand I don't see what will change. Even with his divorce, he will still be going to the house to see the baby. Seems like that's what he wants. Why haven't they worked out custody yet? They've been separated for a year...
Onemoreday, you can read the stories here and relate to some situations, but noone can make the decision for you. You want to be with him. Each story is different and we only see a very small part of what is really going on, and how much of one's feelings are really involved, etc.
Ask him why he is not getting a divorce. Ask him what his real intentions are. He is in a rough spot himself - confused, emotional, ... . Men rarely make decisions for themselves, they wait for others to decide for them. If the W didn't kick him out after the third time, he would still be living there.
Why doesn't he want her to think that he is leaving her for you? Isn't he?
He does tell me that he loves me and wouldn't be putting everything at risk if he didn't.
She knows about you. He's separated already. What more is he 'putting at risk'? My bet is it's the marriage.
He tells me he is leaving but wants his wife to realize that they do not belong together.
So it's up to the wife whether he fully commits to you or not? How incredibly lame is that? Not to mention convenient for him.
His baby is turning 2 in a month. I know he will not do anything before that. Do I wait until after her birthday to leave?
Sure, why not? And then you can wait until Christmas is over, then when Easter is over, then when she turns 3, then when he's better off financially, then when she turns 4, then when..............
What do you mean by 'you don't have'? THey have been involved, which means they are involved in each others lives. Noone can have anyone. The W doesn't have him, either, as he doesn't have the W or the OW. People are not things, you cannot own them.
I think she meant she doesn't want him to leave her life.
My MM has been very honest with me and has told me that he cannot sacrifice his life for his daughter yet he feels very guilty. He wants to give his daughter the best and he feels that at this stage he cannot' whether he is with me or not. He knows that his marriage is over, in that he no longer loves his wife and she no longer respects him. He is scared. I realize that this is a big decision but I agree that men never decide on their own. My MM tells me that his biggest fear is that he leaves his marraige and then him and I don't work out. He is fearful that his wife will make our lives miserable and that I will not be able to handle it. That is why he wants his wife to realize that they do no belong together. He wants her to see that they had problems before he met me. I think he want the impossible. He wants her to agree with him that they should divorce. He doesn't want it to become adversarial because he does not want to harm his daughter. This is all too exhausting.
they all ready live apart right? so what is the difference if they sign a piece of paper and make it legal. Nothing changes.. except the fact that he maybe holding on to his marriage.
I don't know if I should wait just a little longer.
Here's a quote I seem to be using a lot lately.
Quote:
There is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things & expecting different results
-------Gordon Livingston, M.D.
The definition of INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
We are all guilty of this : )
Damn these MM for making the OW literally CRAZY!!!
onemoreday: Do what makes you happy! dont let the situation control you, fix it & make it comfortable for you. There is a way that you can support your boyfriend & feel secure with him during live trying time.
Explain to him your side of the situation & tell him how he can reassure you. If you cant be happy then leave, dont let this destroy you.
Good Luck !!!!
My MM has been very honest with me and has told me that he cannot sacrifice his life for his daughter yet he feels very guilty. He wants to give his daughter the best and he feels that at this stage he cannot' whether he is with me or not. He knows that his marriage is over, in that he no longer loves his wife and she no longer respects him. He is scared. I realize that this is a big decision but I agree that men never decide on their own. My MM tells me that his biggest fear is that he leaves his marraige and then him and I don't work out. He is fearful that his wife will make our lives miserable and that I will not be able to handle it. That is why he wants his wife to realize that they do no belong together. He wants her to see that they had problems before he met me. I think he want the impossible. He wants her to agree with him that they should divorce. He doesn't want it to become adversarial because he does not want to harm his daughter. This is all too exhausting.
Then you have to respect that. His first priority is going to be his child. His daughter. Which sadly could mean for you that you come second for quite a while.
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My MM tells me that his biggest fear is that he leaves his marraige and then him and I don't work out.
THIS IS why he isn't going to commit to you. I'm so sorry to say this, but the truth is right there. He is scared of ending his marriage completely for a life he isn't sure about that may not work out. He is scared of taking a chance. The backup plan here is, if thing do not work out with you two, he can work things out at home...And not be alone. Sorry to sound harsh. Really read your post again. There is SO much information in it, but I don't think you can see the truth of the full picture here. Take a step back, and really look...
What do you mean by 'you don't have'? THey have been involved, which means they are involved in each others lives. Noone can have anyone. The W doesn't have him, either, as he doesn't have the W or the OW. People are not things, you cannot own them.
I think she meant she doesn't want him to leave her life.
I knew what she meant.
But after 2 years & now being separated he still hasn't made a commitment to be with her, has he?
As long as he's still in this 'in between' place he can go back to the wife at any time. That is what I meant.
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If the W didn't kick him out after the third time, he would still be living there.
My MM and I just got off of the phone. His wife has scheduled a therapy session for this week. They argued all weekend and she has come to the conclusion that she can not speak to him without it becoming an all out yelling match. She wants to try and talk. She asked for his cell phone records. This is a problem because for the last 6 months he has told her that he is not with me. She apparently does not believe him. He told me that he is going to comply. He wants to see if she gets past the cheating and they can talk about all the problems they had prior to him meeting me. This is a problem. I am not going to be able to call him as freely as I could before. I can call him on his work line and he will call me from home. He does not want my number to appear on the bill. We usually talk for hours on the phone. I think sometimes too much. He tells me that we are substituting conversation for time we can not spend together. He has spent a good portion of the morning apologizing for everything. He tells me that he feels guilty that I'm alone because of him. He thinks that therapy wont last for more then a month or two. He hopes that he and his wife can come to an amicable solution and divorce. Should I set a two month deadline or should I leave him alone to deal with his wife. He doesn't want me to leave him. He keeps telling me that he does not want to lose me and that he needs me to be there for him during this time. He claims that I am the only one that listens to him the only person he speaks freely to about his problems. I believe him. I know all this is coming to an end only because I do not think that his wife can tolerate much more of this. I think she may be as tired as I am. I'm still confused and am hoping to find some clarity. Help?
How is it that you think your story is different from all the others?
He is telling you point blank that he is trying to work things out with her, and for you to basically hide from her so that he can live his double life without consequence. If you force him to make a choice, by no longer talking to him, he is going to choose his wife. Is that what you fear? He seems to be choosing her even though you have been there, patiently waiting. This can't be good for your self-respect!
The sooner you move on the better. If you keep talking to him, you're going to remain in limbo. He won't be fully committing to his wife and you won't have him. This literally could last for years until one or both of you get sick of it! By staying around you are basically enabling him to continue giving you sloppy seconds. There's no need to feel used if you recognize it for what it is and DO SOMETHING about it. If you don't, it's going to continue eating away at your soul.
Last edited by magda; 23rd January 2006 at 2:52 PM..
He is telling you point blank that he is trying to work things out with her, and for you to basically hide from her so that he can live his double life without consequence.
My question is.. Why hasn't he just moved back in with his wife and his daughter if that is what he wants? If he moved back in with his wife I would be clear. I would know that he chose his family over me, but that has not happened even though his wife asked him to do so for the baby over the holidays.
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