[malachai]

A question I have: Do you think it is possible to have a long-term, strong relationship with someone who has significant value and/or political differences than yourself? I'm not really talking about extreme differences, but still significant.

I have been seeing a girl for about a month (only a few dates) who I really enjoy being around, but who has marked differences in her life perspectives. I have some conservative tendencies, and while I don't consider myself especially religous right now, there is a lot in Christian thought that I tend to agree with. She is definitely more liberal in her life and political views, and does not have a positive opinion at all about religion.

Any thoughts on this? Any personal experiences in relationships where the two of you were different in this regard?

[QueenieJD]

Malachai,

This sounds like something very similar to my relationship! We have different values and same difference as you have discribed in your relationship. Except my relationship has been a year and a half already and since the difference r signifcant but not MAJOR, or daily experiences, we are aware of each others values and choses and respect them mutually and everything is working just fine and I have never ran into a problem with it as of yet! Hopefully the same goes for u. Just make sure she is aware of this and give her a chance to tell you how she feels, if you can value and respect each other and your individuality I don't see a problem!!

Best of luck!

[bluetuesday]

if you enjoy a healthy debate and both respect the other person's point of view i don't see differences in political or religious opinion being crucial to the success or failure of the relationship.

but it's naive to think that love will conquer all when it comes to strongly held beliefs. i don't doubt there are cases where it works, but i'd suspect they're the exception. most christian preachers couldn't marry atheists.

i think a couple need to have more similarities than differences. similarities on issues such as money (how you spend/save it and how important acquiring it is), having and raising children (if/when/how many) and what you want to do with your life are crucial.

marrying someone who wants to work 14 hour days in the city so he/she can retire at 50 with loads of cash and then sail the world isn't going to be a good match for someone who dreams of a quiet life raising goats in the countryside with the kids and grandkids playing in the yard.

[bluechocolate]

I have some conservative tendencies, and while I don't consider myself especially religious right now, there is a lot in Christian thought that I tend to agree with. She is definitely more liberal in her life and political views, and does not have a positive opinion at all about religion.

Never the less, I bet she still has a lot of 'Christian thoughts'. Otherwise I doubt you'd be seeing her. My SO is a member of the National Secular Society & has a whole set of coffee mugs picturing the Heroes of Atheism!! And is one of the kindest, most 'Christian' of people you would ever be lucky to meet.

In many ways a relationship like this can be very rewarding, depending of course on your own personal level of tolerance & openness to other views & opinions.

Personally I would find it very boring to spend years, possibly a life time, with a person who felt the same way as me on everything. Even on some important issues.

I've learned a lot, & even changed my mind about some things, based on experiences & relationships I've had with people I would normally consider poles apart from myself in terms of politics & religion.

[Outcast]

It depends on the people. Some folks think their way of living is 'right' or the only way to live. Others are 'live and let live' types and don't feel they need to control anyone's life but their own.

[GuySimple]

I met a guy who was a lawyer who specialized in representing sexual assault and child molestation cases. Basically the people that no one once to associate with.

His wife was a director of a non-profit group that focused on abused women ensuring they retained were represented and protected in abusive situations. Their professions were very unique and opposite in some respect.

The admitted that there was no talk of work at the dinner table. But they managed to get along very well.

[malachai]

Originally Posted by bluechocolate

Personally I would find it very boring to spend years, possibly a life time, with a person who felt the same way as me on everything. Even on some important issues.

I feel the same way. I personally would not like being with someone that is a mirror-image of me. It wouldn't only be boring, but frustrating and irritating too.

However, I wonder if the big issues, those "fundamental values" that we have spent our lives building and refining, are too big to have differences on.

I consinder my self open-minded and tolerant. But up to a point. I don't go around in every discussion saying "Oh, I never really considered that. That's a great point and maybe I will have to reconsider my position." Some issues you have a firm stance on and it isn't especially easy, or even practical, to always put your beliefs under scrutiny. I believe too much empathy will only leave you frozen in your tracks.

I guess it goes along with the philosophical question of how much you are willing to change for someone you love. Not even change, but how willing you are to be flexible on those core beliefs and values that have been built up throughout your childhood and well into your adult years.

Or maybe I just think too much about things like this