I was in a A with a MM for 6 years. This man chased me for 5 years. I was M at the time and had no desire to cheat, then I felt neglected at home and this man had been chasing me for 5 years I gave in. He treated me like a queen, I had never felt like that before, promises everything, he was even seperated at the time. But once I hit the final nail in the coffin with my H, and was divorced wow did things change. And of course he and his wife were back together. He is hispanic and I am white. Communication has been a huge problem, believe it or not he speaks very little english and I no spanish. From about 6 months on he was abusive, physically and verbally, MOSTLY verbal. But during my divorce I became financially dependant on him. Now 6 years later I am not dependant on him financially. He has not helped me in years. We have been in NC for 4 days. Everytime I am around him I cant wait to get away from him, he is controlling and mean. But the second we end it and he is not calling I lose it and call him begging for another chance, telling him I am sorry, when I did nothing wrong and just plain out being pathetic. I am disgusted at my behavior. I know in my heart and my head there is no future but my ego wont accept it. This is the first time he has ever agreed it is over. The last 3 years we fight 6 1/2 days out of the week. I have become this crazy pathetic dependant person. I do not even like myself no wonder he does not. But it is over, I guess I should be thankful he is not calling me because I am not strong enough to say no. But it hurts? Why? The thing that hurts the most is how mean and cold he was the last time we talked. The things he said I have never in my life been treated so badly. I loved this man, I used to drive over an hour to take him lunch, wake up at 5am to meet him off the freeway with breakfast, his car broke down at midnight I was there, helped him with all his problems got him a job making 5 times what he was making before, when he came over I treated him like a king. My biggest fault was I hated thet way he never made me feel important and never did things for me. So yes I complained, I dont think that made me out to be the person he thinks I am, how do I get over all the mean things he says, the feeling of being used. Sorry this is so long. How do I ever trust again?

[Sami_D]

Originally Posted by scraps22

how do I get over all the mean things he says, the feeling of being used...How do I ever trust again?

Hello scraps. Sorry you've been through all this, and I'm so glad you're 'out'. Out of the R at least. And now, as you say, you have to deal with all the fallout.

I was in a R with an abusive man too. It screws with your head. You are not making any healthy choices, because you're not thinking straight. Being treated like a queen to being slapped and called names. And all the time wondering what am I doing wrong..?

Somehow you have to take back control in your life. You have to examine why you got into this situation and why you let it continue. You have to look at co-dependency issues you may have. You have to look at why you believe that giving you all to someone while accepting scraps of affection (actually, attention) is something you do in relationships.

You can do it, but it will take time. You will get back your confidence in small steps. YOU WILL be able to trust again. Because it's not about trusting someone else, it's about trusting your own judgment - and that is something that can be learnt, and relied upon.

Now I look back, being in that terrible R was actually beneficial to me in the long term. In recovering from it, I had to examine so many things about myself, and unlearn some habits and coping mechanisms that I'd always relied on in my life and that had got me into some pretty bad positions. In time you may feel the same about this - it is a fantastic opportunity for growth and change (though it can't feel like that at the moment).

So... how are you going to approach all this..?