[Kisu]

I confessed by letter to my best male friend almost a month and a half ago that I had romantic feelings for him, he replied with a two page letter detailing how he felt the same all along but was afraid to wreck the relationship we had, and had never felt his way before. We agreed that there was something special, and we were both ready to be more than friends. It was a hard step, because we are both somewhat shy...

Having the ‘green light’ I’ve tried to get the ball rolling by giving occasional hugs when I saw him, linking into his arm when we walk sometimes, initiating cuddle time or starting wrestling matches when we’re on the couch, I even gave him a small gift at x mas. It all felt right. Friends call us boyfriend and girlfriend, and I refer to him sometimes as my boyfriend – but recently I often wonder if that’s what we are because…

Since the confessions we really have done nothing exclusively alone together… we have gone out for weekends or evenings with friends, and had maybe an hour alone in total, but no ‘quality time’ alone for the two of us. I guess I was expecting him to loosen up and ask me out, or something, after my letter. Once when we were talking online he randomly typed, “I guess I could take you skiing sometime…” but there was never any follow up despite the fact I told him (more than once) that I’d love to do that.

The thing that concerns me most is that while he usually responds to things I initiate (if I hug him he’ll hug back, etc…), he rarely, if ever, does any of the initiating himself. He very rarely shows any affection on his own, I almost always have to start it. I know he doesn’t really like pda’s, so I respect that, but even when we’re in more private places he won’t make any moves unless I start.

I’m confused because I feel both that he may be clueless about what to do around a girl he likes (as he has never had a girlfriend or even close female friend before me), but I also feel he may not be as interested as he said he was in his letter. I’ve always thought that if a guy really liked you, he’d show some initiative… maybe he's shyer than I thought? I don't know anymore...

It’s clear we need to talk, but what should I say to him and in what tone?

[Defcon]

You have tried, thats all you can do. Try backing off a little bit for a couple days. Put the ball in his court, if he dosen't "pursue" a more intimate relationship, he probly wont.

[cygny]

maybe he is what is known as a 'feminine-energy' guy and would welcome you taking the lead and asking him out, doing the things a guy normally would do...while he takes the passive/responsive role...he did respond well to your letter, so that's a clue that this may be the case...so if you are comfortable with that...just go ahead and take the lead (male role) and also means you do the paying...see if he likes that...

[Outcast]

Why not try this amazing thing called 'talking'? (Sorry for the sarcasm but the other answers are bugging me). Say to him that you thought your relationship would change after your exchange of letters and ask him what he's thinking.

[barfool]

I agree with Outcast. It's always best to be honest and upfront, especially in relationships. You've got the hard part of the confession out of the way. Now build on it by talking in person about what it is that you and he want.

[SuperFantastico]

Why not try this amazing thing called 'talking'?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I feel both that he may be clueless about what to do around a girl he likes (as he has never had a girlfriend or even close female friend before me)

BINGO!

hes shy and hasnt had a girlfriend before. I think you might have to pickup the ball and maybe kiss him or something. I use to be very shy like this too.

........and i did the letter thing......

[Kisu]

Thanks for all the replies!

Originally Posted by Defcon

You have tried, thats all you can do. Try backing off a little bit for a couple days. Put the ball in his court, if he dosen't "pursue" a more intimate relationship, he probly wont.

That's the way I've always thought... but with shy guys I think it just makes it worse? Then again... though I'm quite shy myself I've overcome some of it because I wanted a deeper relationship with him that badly.
I'm so confused...

Originally Posted by Outcast

Say to him that you thought your relationship would change after your exchange of letters and ask him what he's thinking.

Originally Posted by barfool

Now build on it by talking in person about what it is that you and he want.

I think I know what I'm going to say now... but getting him alone and somewhere comfortable where I have his undevided attention, wow, that's going to be tough.

Originally Posted by SuperFantastico

hes shy and hasnt had a girlfriend before. I think you might have to pickup the ball and maybe kiss him or something. I use to be very shy like this too.

Some of my other male friends keep telling me this (ie. kiss him, even if he turns beet red and/or faints -- and I could see that happening...).
If our talk goes well, I probably will kiss him.
Though the question that grates my mind is, how many times am I going to have to pick up the ball before he can throw it back?

Originally Posted by cygny

maybe he is what is known as a 'feminine-energy' guy and would welcome you taking the lead and asking him out, doing the things a guy normally would do...while he takes the passive/responsive role...

Interesting thought. Though I kinda hope that isn't the case. I don't mind making a few first steps to get things going, but I'd really prefer it if he took the 'lead', or met me half way at least.

[SuperFantastico]

You'll only have to kiss him once. Its a mental barrier thing. He should be good after this. Sometimes people build the little things into a huge deal, thus screwing themselves up(er i mean a kiss and such. I did this)

[Kisu]

Ok, well I have a feeling this is over before it even started…

I waited for exam week to be over (everyone including myself, have been running around stressed and busy and tired and whatnot), and then I sought him out on instant message, which (both being computer geeks) has always been our main way of contacting each other. We have some free time now between semesters and I wanted to arrange a day when we could just hang out and do something alone together for once (and most importantly, talk about what's going on between us now!).

The times I did find him online, his replying was very slow or not at all, as after we exchanged hellos he immediately started playing a full screen game, which covers the chat program. Obviously the game was more important... he just didn't care to talk at all... Last time this happened, I got fed up and just left a message saying – when you’re not busy, call me and let’s do something together. I realise now, that was probably futile…

More and more I feel like he's doing that “get rid of her by ignoring her and disappearing” thing. I had a guy play that game with me before and I’m always looking out for it now…
I’d rather he just tell it to my face if he’s not interested but it’s getting harder and harder for me to talk to him anymore, as I’m getting shyer with him each time I feel rejected, blown off, or taken for granted.

It’s funny because I specifically said in my letter that he was giving mixed signals and wanted to know if he just wasn’t interested, and he replied very elaborately that it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never caught him lying before, however now I wonder if he was lying… for whatever reason.

Then again…
I read the forums here, and I read articles on relationships all the time, and I get confused about my situation. I hear one side saying that if he truly was interested he'd make a move, and the other side (usually personal accounts from the shy guys themselves) says that some guys truly are interested but are so shy they act indifferent to the ones they really care about. …and I could see either being true in my situation.

ie. he comes and sits at my bench at lunch (which he didn’t do before the letters), but either keeps to himself or talks to my friends (this particular circle of friends are all male) Doesn’t say hello or goodbye when he comes and goes… he used to quickly look back and smile at me when he left, but he doesn’t even do that now. I don’t know what to think of that…

Even if he is that shy, I'm darn shy myself, and I made an effort because he meant that much to me. If he can't make the effort then... well it's done isn't it?

I really don't know what to do at this point other than give up and tell him to ‘forget it’ when I see him again. I know if I end this, my friends, his friends, and even my sister (who were all excited when we 'got together' because they thought we would make an awesome couple), are going to tell me how foolish I am for giving up so easily. I really don’t care what they think if I end it, but I wonder if it would be foolish…

I feel like the clueless one now… it’s only obvious when it isn’t happening to you…
What should I do?

I was really itching to try SuperFantastico's idea to see if it really would break down a barrier, but I can't even get my guy alone to try it...

[cygny]

ouch, sorry, but hon i don't think you have anything to end.

as for why the elaborate denial from him--i've run into some people who for one reason or another which i do not understand, simply cannot say anything that would hurt someone else's feelings. that makes them too uncomfortable, and i'm guessing that this guy is like that.

so i suggest you just move on. you really needn't make a production or closure because it sounds like you two don't really have anything going on that resembles a real relationship. in other words, just drift away and turn your attention to more aggressive guys.

the only other explanation is that this guy is so extremely shy that he is just not capable of holding up his end of a relationship, and given that you are shy yourself, i honestly don't see how this can go anywhere.

[Kisu]

Oh he can say things to hurt other's feelings... he's can be quite sarcastic and is a critic at times.

We had a relationship at one point. We were good friends for a year and a half before the romantic aspect came in. Even though it was going good for a bit (I was thinking, wow this is the beginning of something special), adding 'romance' has made everything slowly... evaporate... into what it is now (which is... something that doesn't look like a relationship at all). He used to actually make an effort to get my attention. Keywords: used to.

So yeah, I agree, if he's is that shy that he can't hold his end, nothing will happen.

I sent him an e-mail just telling him how I feel about all this (basically what I would have told him in person). I got it off my chest. Whatever happens now, happens. That's all the closure I need, especially if he does't ever reply. I have a feeling he will, though...

[Citizen Erased]

Oooh good luck honey, hope he writes back! Keep us posted. I think you did the right thing by asking him and introducing a bit of communication in there, otherwise it would have been a dead end, again good luck

[Kisu]

I said in the e-mail I sent him that he could reply by e-mail or in person or however he liked. I was pretty sure he'd e-mail back, but nope no reply. There's a chance he hasn't checked his e-mail lately (he's known for checking sometimes only once a week), but I'm rather pessimistic about that.
I should see him in person tomrrow at school, wonder how it will play out...

I'm surprised at how calm I am about all this. After I mailed it I felt so much better and just went on with my regular schedule like nothing happened. I'm not freaked out like if we go our seperate ways after all this I'll die.
Though my stomach is probably going to do flips when I see him...

[monkey00]

you should probably back off.
from what u said he doesnt seem too interested in developing this relationship, or his lack of investment in this thereof.

he may have stated his feelings were mutual for you in the beginning, just so he wouldnt seem mean. However actions always speak louder than words and his actions state that he's 'just not into you' like that.

guys and girls can start acting indifferent/aloof with the person if they know that person fancies them, however their feelings arent mutual...in a sense it gets a little creepy because they dont see him/her in that light.

just my 2cents, dont take my advice too literally...

[SuperFantastico]

Well i did this too, i mean the ignoring thing, because i was so goddamn frustrated that i couldnt .........just do it and kiss her. So after a while of going all crazy, i would just shut down and try to be mean and get rid of her.

Now im totally projecting my own experiences here, but he does sound similar.

Basically whats happening is he likes you alot(via said crap in letter) but cant
just do it out of fear of rejection(yes i know he knows you like him, but maybe he has a low self esteem and is just putting himself down in his mind alot.)
You see(um try to keep up with my train of thought...uh i tend to jump alot)
us guys work by logic. Now if i was in this situation(oh i was ) what
i thought about was:

"Ok she likes me, i'll just go up and kiss her or something......uh...now....er
ok maybe in a few minutes....ok i'll just keep talking......uh maybe tommorow."

Then this would keep happening. I started to think trying to figure it out. And taking so long, she(the girl i liked) was probably like whats wrong with him. I'm giving him all the signals in the world.......maybe he dosnt like me.

So then i'd see her kinda withdrawing a bit because of me(but unbenounced
to me at the time) and be like. "Maybe she dosnt like me. Well maybe i dont like her....."

Anyways, its like one big downward spiral. Eventually i would feel that the only way to curb this frustration of not being able to just do it and be with her would be just to cut her out.