I was reading up on this because I'm trying to figure out why I have such a difficult time telling my ex to f*ck off. The info I found was very helpful in explaining why people still go back to those who have hurt and betrayed them. I've seen a few posts on here asking why it's so hard to leave an abusive person, and traumatic bonding explains it, at least for me. I'm not with my ex, but there is still a sick bond/connection between us, which he exploits by using our child as the excuse for contact.
Here are the signs that trauma bonds exist in your life:
When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)
When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.
When you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you.
When you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive.
When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.
When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.
When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.
When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.
When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.
When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.
When you are attached to untrustworthy people.
When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.
When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.
It's another good example of why people continue to rely on "feelings" while staying in abusive relationships, because their feelings are lying.
Integrating this knowledge, however, can become more difficult the worse the abuse is. One's self-esteem can become so damaged that one can't think clearly about the situation they're in.
If caring people could only get those in destructive relationships to stop relying upon their feelings, and think clearly, then they could get out of the morass of abuse and control and take their lives back.
It's another good example of why people continue to rely on "feelings" while staying in abusive relationships, because their feelings are lying.
Integrating this knowledge, however, can become more difficult the worse the abuse is. One's self-esteem can become so damaged that one can't think clearly about the situation they're in.
If caring people could only get those in destructive relationships to stop relying upon their feelings, and think clearly, then they could get out of the morass of abuse and control and take their lives back.
slubber, you're right. It's so hard to see this when you're in the middle of the abuse. What you think is "love" for that person, is actually emotional trauma. I really thought I loved my ex, but when I look back now, and read this stuff on traumatic bonding, I can see it much more clearly now for what it was. The only way someone still in an abusive situation is going to see what's happening to them, is to get out and away from it for a period of time.
I new i was being lied to somedays- i was indenial i guess
and still i have that traumatic bond with him- though he has a girlfriend and was sooo mean to me...
How do you tell your feelings to shew off- and gain more respect for your self? i dont want to be like this in future relationships
Brittany, read up on traumatic bonding on the Internet. Now that you're away from your ex, it's easier to swallow the reasons why you still have that bond with him, and you can see it for what it really is. It may take some time for it to go away, but you need to be aware of the reasons why it exists. There's also a good book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men," which can help you recognize abusive men (or women) in the future. Reconditioning yourself is a process that you have to work at. It's not easy.
This explains why I was in the grocery store today, and I saw the archway oatmeal raisin cookies I used to get my psycho ex, I stood there for like 5 minutes reminiscing. Sometimes I wonder at myself, because he was so awful at the end with the miscarriage and everything. How can I still be so attached? Trauma bonding, I suppose.
__________________
I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
my theory on this issue and romantic relationships is that people get attached very stongly to the dramatic emotional ups and downs in a mutually abusive relationship. it is like a drug...or a replacement for a drug. many people have low self esteem and great self-loathing, especially in American society. and being involved in a relationship where they are used and abuse just validates their low self-worth or low self-image.
This explains why I was in the grocery store today, and I saw the archway oatmeal raisin cookies I used to get my psycho ex, I stood there for like 5 minutes reminiscing. Sometimes I wonder at myself, because he was so awful at the end with the miscarriage and everything. How can I still be so attached? Trauma bonding, I suppose.
From the stories I recall reading about your ex, it's understandable why this would happen to you. For me it's so much more comforting knowing that I'm thinking about my ex or missing him because of a deep-rooted psychological condition as opposed (and preferred) to it being "love." To continue thinking you still love and care about a person who repeatedly hurt you is a major self-esteem killer.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
News flash... it's not the first time you've been right either. 
Linear Mode
