Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
Hello,
I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful woman. She is such a good person and such a positive influence on my life. Deep down I KNOW 100% that she would never cheat on me. I have "demons" that are messing up the relatiionship though. Even though deep down I know she would never cheat or never even lie to me because of the person she is I find my self getting very suspisous if she tells me she is going out with friends. I constantly question her with questions like "Are you sure you're not really going out on a date" or "Do I have anything to worry about" I constantly worry that she will find someone else. We are both deeply in love with each other but my insecurites are runing the relationship. I don't want to lose her, I want to fight off these bad thoughts but in the moment they are happening it's like I can't see reason. I can't comfort myslef and say "It's just in my head, I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me"
The core of the issues I have comes from many different things, being lied to and cheated on in the past (I know it's wrong to let past experiences dictate your current relationship) It also comes from be being unfaithful in the past (not with my current relationshio but past ones) I know I have something very rare and special with her and I don't want to screw it up. Me constantly questioning her and sometimes down right accusing her of things is really hurting her. She told me she is giving me one last chance to prove to her I won't question her and that to SHOW that I trust her. Deep down I do trust her but when I'm in one of these modes I certainly don't act like it. I really don't want to lose her because I know what we have is so special and we love each other deeply. What can I do to get rid of these ill feelings so I don't jepordize losing the love of my life. It tears her apart when I act jealous and un trusting. I really need help to get rid of these false feelings right away. Can anyone suggest anything?
Get into some individual counseling for yourself. Someone that can help you with these jealous/insecure issues. Also, don't assume that someone would NEVER cheat or NEVER lie, no matter how good they appear to be.
Jade
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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
Hi, I can really relate to you, and I know exactly how you feel because I have the same problem.
I'm still 'suffering' from jealousy, so I can't give you any real solutions, but I can suggest some things from my own experience.
I have ruined several relationships in the past due to my insecurities and jealousy and constant questioning. I needed to know everything my boyfriend was doing, who he was with, and if girls were with him (even friends) then I was accusing and suspicious.
I understand what you mean about trusting your partner, yet when you're in the 'moment' or 'mode', then your emotions take over and you can't think with reason or logic. I am always fully aware what I'm doing when I'm reacting jealously, and I know it's destructive, but sometimes it just takes over your mind.
What you have to try and learn to do is CONTROL these reactions in front of your partner. You will still have these feelings inside yourself, but the important thing (if you really want to save the relationship) is to try NOT to react in front of her.
In my case, I have explained what I'm like to my boyfriend, who was fed up thinking I don't trust him (it wasn't that at all!) - now when I get jealous I try to say to him that I'm in that mode, and I recognise it's my problem and doesn't mean I don't trust him. It's my problem, and I am trying to do something about it. But most of the time I really try to hold back the questions and accusations, however jealous I am inside.
I've also been having counselling for this for a few months. This has helped me to understand WHY I'm jealous, but it's a long process and I still react like you.
I also try to read books on the subject - it can be helpful to see that you're not alone.
And do explain things to your girlfriend when you are NOT in the jealous 'mode'. Take responsibility for it and say you are working on the problem.
Anyway, I feel for you and fully understand what you're going through - it's a terrible emotion to have and can destroy good relationships... If you've found someone you care about, try to keep it under control at least. And who knows, maybe one day the feelings won't be as bad, for both of us!
If u have no reason to be jealous then u shouldnt ..
as for me i have plenty of reasons to be jealous, my girl gets drunk like 3-4 times a week hangin out at bars and clubs .. how do u think that makes me feel ? i just have to trust her, and if trust is broken then theres nothin i could do . but it really sucks not to know .. thats the worst ..
Anyways I was saying, I have been there and I got out. It's a nice place to be. My Ex was a total dog, so I had every reason to be jealous. For eight years I suffered through it and i'm not doing it again. I don't know if this will help but here goes.
1. Part of my problem was I thought that my ex was my be all end all, the one true love I would ever be given. Then one day I was crying on his best friends shoulder and I looked up and realized that he really liked me. There wasn't anything wrong with me... I finally realized that my irreplacable love was easy to replace, and there might be someone better out there. I was right... I met my current husband shortly thereafter. So I think part of jealousy if fear, fear that what you have right now might be lost and it could never be replaced. As soon as you let go of that notion it gets easier...
2. That led to some self esteem, and all I needed to do from there was give up what I thought was the ideal mate, get rid of it, and realize that he was with me for a reason. There was something about me that wasn't like anyone else. He cheated on me yes... but he never left me. I had something the other girls didn't and I wanted to know what it was. What I found will be different than you of course but I found out i actuall had some pretty cool parts, and the other stuff didn't matter so much. Quit worrying about what someone else has to offer and find out why she is really with you. Accentuate the positive, and screw the rest... got it?
3. After that I realized that if I had to keep my dog on a leash I should just get a new dog. Loyalty aside, if he wasn't going to treat me right someone else would. I already knew I could get someone else... but just knowing that I had permission to was a good thing.
4. I finally asked him why he cheated on me so many times. It was harsh but he basically said it was because I was always accusing him. I watchied him like a hawk, I saw the pretty girls before he did and watched to see if he would look at them. I pointed them out from time to time. I checked up on him. Was it my fault he cheated no... but i didn't help. To be blunt... why are you putting ideas into her head that you don't want there???
Maybe the thought had never occured to her that Tom was flirting with her until you pointed it out, and she might not have thought about going to the bar all until you mentioned it. If nothing else will hold your tongue maybe that thought will... why engrave the invatation for her?
Don't know if that will help, but it was the process I went through. Now my husband can flirt with other girls, talk to ex's and watch porn and it doesn't even phase me. I just smile because he chose me... and those others couldn't begin to compete. So yes it's totally possible, good luck
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“To judge from the notions expounded by theologians, one must conclude that God created most men simply with a view to crowding hell” Marquis De Sade
“What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?” E. Izzard
The stuff about getting self esteem and realising your partner is not the be all and end all is so true.
Also true is the fact that the more you accuse them or point other people out, the more likely they are to do something. This is not necessarily because they are attracted to or prefer other girls/men, but more that your behaviour is offputting and unattractive to them.
The hard thing is to put all this into practice, even though you've recognised the logic to it all!
Anyway, glad to hear you were able to do something about it and get out of the horrible place that is jealousy! There's hope for us all...!
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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