For the last several months, I've been attracted to a beautiful girl who happens to have a BF (and lives with him in a home they bought together.)
For the longest time, I never pursed anything...simply out of respect for their relationship. However, a short while ago, she invited me out for a friendly dinner with her and some of her girlfriends. After a few drinks, there was some (what appeared to be) candid conversation between the 2 of us. She had mentioned that she was very unhappy with the BF and just wanted to be in a 'mature and adult' relationship. She even referred to the BF as nothing more than a 'roommate.' She also wants desperately to get married and have kids some day. (so do I.)
As the evening progressed, she ended up kissing me and later said, "I really like you...I always have. Do you want to go on a date sometime?"
Keep in mind, there were a few drinks involved, as I'm sure this help let her guard down a bit. (Does the truth come out when one drinks????)
At the end of the evening, I told her that I'd really love to date her...but can't as long as she has the BF.
Two months have passed since with very little contact....a few short emails (initiated by me) and no phone calls. (Before, she used to email me somewhat regularly.)
A lot of things come out when one drinks, and it's not always fair to assume it's what she's thinking when she's sober.
You sound like a really good guy. There's no reason to throw that away over a girl. You didn't mess anything up, at least not anything good.
It seems like you got across to her that you were very interested in her, but you're not the kind of person who dates attached females. You don't need any contact beyond that. She can be encouraged to contact you when and if she's broken off the relationship.
If she was just looking to screw around on the side, you probably scared her off, and it's best for both of you that she's not talking to you anymore. If she won't break it off with her BF now, she probably wouldn't have while you continued to see her.
However, there is a possibility she is in the process of getting out of the relationship, and just isn't sure how. If this is true, she probably will give you a call when her life is sorted out, and (if she's half the gal you think she is) she'll respect you much more for having done the right thing.
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My signature was flagged for being too long, and I don't have anything shorter to say.
However, there is a possibility she is in the process of getting out of the relationship, and just isn't sure how. If this is true, she probably will give you a call when her life is sorted out, and (if she's half the gal you think she is) she'll respect you much more for having done the right thing.
i agree, definitely wait until things end (if they do) before making a move.
personally, though, i wouldn't get involved with anyone that just ended a relationship, unless i knew for sure that we both felt that we were made for each other. otherwise, i'd be paranoid that the girl was just unhappy with her relationship and trying to find someone different, not necessarily me.
you don't want to worry that you will be in the same situation as this other guy a few months/years down the line.
I dunno, if I were you I would be really nervous about all this. Because frankly you did everything right, IMO.
I made enough mistakes in life to learn a couple of useful things. One is that you should always pay attention to how a girl you are getting involved with ends it with their ex. That might be how they will end it with you one day.
Another thing I have learned is that if a woman is trying to initiate a new relationship while still in the throes of the old one it probably bodes ill for you. She may be needy, insecure and or codependant and is afraid to be alone. She may well want to finish with the old BF but wants to be safely in a new relationship to ease the pain. This new relationship will not be about you and her, it will be about her and him. You will most certainly get hurt.
But seriously, if she was really together emotionally (which...I doubt) and sincere (which I also...would question) your response to her should have allayed any fears that YOU are insincere or seeking to take advantage of her. Her backing off makes me think that she realises that if she gets involved with you now you will want to get too serious and make her life too complicated when what she is really looking for a rebound fling with no strings attached. You see, somebody on the rebound wants what they want NOW. They dont want to wait, they dont want to go slow, they want to control the relationship, they want to go faster than you might want to. Because they are not thinking about you or your needs, much less a durable future. They are using you (even if inadvertantly) for their own needs, which is to shelter them from the pain of being alone following a breakup. Even a breakup that they themselves initiated.
I may be wrong, but you have to at least consider that she was trying to line you up as a rebound fling. Maybe I'm wrong but if she is sincerely into you, she wont try and rush you into a probably unhealthy rollercoaster of a relationship and she will seek you out when she has dealth with (ended) her present relationship and wont rush you into a new one.
Point is, she has a boyfriend. Maybe she'll sort that out and maybe not but I wouldn't invest much if anything in her at this point. While your waiting I would look elsewhere for something less complicated.
After a few drinks, there was some (what appeared to be) candid conversation between the 2 of us. She had mentioned that she was very unhappy with the BF and just wanted to be in a 'mature and adult' relationship. She even referred to the BF as nothing more than a 'roommate.' She also wants desperately to get married and have kids some day. (so do I.)
Biggest mistake most of us make is in not extrapolating a relationship out. You see yourself as "the new guy", but fail to look ahead and wonder if, in a year or two, after you invest a significant amount of time and money, you may be the guy she is talking about as she tries to score some new meat.
The point I am making here is not to be fooled by the wrapper or the fact that you appear to be the object of her desire. For one thing, you could just be a diversion: a faceless, mindless object to be used to help her settle her confusion or desires. That is usually the most common situation. Most guys have been there.
Second is that she could just be trash. Don't just buy this line just because she is a female, or because she is attractive. This could all just be a game to her, and the "I'm unhappy" line could just be a line for a girl who wants to screw around on her boyfriend. Women cheat just as often as men.
Point is, you don't know. There are only two certainties right now: First is that she is irrisponsible about taking care of her life. Second is that she will cheat on you (if they will cheat once, they will cheat again). Reason is irrelevant.
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