Please help! Wife of 8 years doesn't love me anymore!
Hello all,
Last night my wife, whom I have been happily (or so I thought) married to for 8 years and share 2 beautiful boys with (ages 3 & 6) told me she doesn't know if she loves me. Well she loves me, but is not in love with me and says she has never felt in love with anyone before, including me.
She has been distant for the past month and sex has stopped.
The main issue now is that she feels controled by everyone in her life and says she has always acted to please everyone else and now feels it's time to do what she wants.
Well, the twist is that she also says she's seeing someone else (and of course I have to assume has some of those "love" feelings for but she won't admit it), but claims that in their 2 month relationship, it has been nothing but emotional support and compainionship. She claims no physical relationship. I suppose I have to take her word for it.
She told me that she has nothing but great things to say about me, I am a great father, great husband, great person, etc but she doesn't know if she is even interested in seeking help or making things work between us.
I am completely lost. I have no idea what to do now. She is not being angry or confrontational, and neither am I at this point even thought it's all I can do not to be. I have listened to what she has had to say and she says she doesn't know what she wants, nor does she know what she expects me to do.
What do I do? Ask for a divorce? Wait it out and see what she decides to do? Propose an ultimatum?
What makes it worse is that she keeps claiming that I am not going anywhere, she is not going anywhere, she doesn't want a divorce but yet cannot make a committment to solving any of the issues we have going on. She won't open up to me, and never really has.
Lastly, one of the major issues in her life is that her 18 year old brother was killed a year before we met and she was still in heavy emotional turmoil at the time. She claims that now, 9 years later, she is finally somewhat over that and has realized that our marrige was possibly some sort of rebound or crutch she used to get past the trauma.
Please help me. I love her dearly and cannot bear the thought of what a seperation will do to our boys. I think she loves me but I cannot force her to explore that.
What do I do now?
It seems to me that this is one of the only true chances you will have at really fighting for what you want. I blew it during my marriage when a similar situation happened.
If I had to do it over again, I'd do two things: Move out to give her her space, but also ask her to go into marriage councelling - and allow you to take her out on dates during that time. But, and just as important, she has to stop seeing this other person. Oh, and when you take her out on dates -- don't talk about anything serious -- there will be enough of that at the councelling sessions. Just have fun and try to rekindle the romance.
From reading these forums, I have come to believe that giving her space to think is very important -- but I also believe that marriage is a very important thing to fight for -- especially since there are kids involved.
If I had to do it over again, I'd do two things: Move out to give her her space, but also ask her to go into marriage councelling - and allow you to take her out on dates during that time.
Why would HopefulHusband move out?
It's his wife who's initiating this emotional separation. While he can't control her actions or decisions, he needn't be reactive either.
If she's the one who wants to make changes....then it's incumbent upon her to make those changes.
I agree that marriage counseling is beneficial....that is if she is NOT having an affair. But I don't think an affair can be ruled out here if she's emotionally invested in an opposite sex 'friend'.
HopefulHusband's best bet would be to initiate a marriagebuilder's plan A. That would certainly be supportive of her emotional needs, but NOT supportive of decisions that are detrimental to the family dynamic. He shouldn't actively help her in actions that are divisive.
His wife needs accurate information before she makes mistakes. She needs to be able to predict the consequences of her choices. If she doesn't want to be his wife anymore, then he should put the onus on HER to initiate separation, divorce, and ALL that those things entail.
You can't play games with your spouse when you're in a crisis situation, Hopeful. Going in opposition to your ultimate goal is just that....playing games. This is not a situation in which you can 'outsmart' somebody. You have to be true to what you believe in and stick with it.
She's going to make alot of noise, and you'll be tempted to react to that. She's going to say things that hurt your feelings, more even than what she's already said. She might even leave and go her own way, but YOU will have behaved consistantly in the interim. In essence, your message is, "HERE is love, peace and security. THERE is chaos and division."
Thank you both for your advice. Actually, moving out is not really a solution I am considering, nor does it seem is she. Of course, something will have to give eventually but for now we seem to be co-habitating and trying to work things out.
My major issue is this other guy and how to address it, or wether to at all if it as she says, is platonic only. What should I do? Be calm and see what happens? That is what I am doing now but should that change?
She's going to make alot of noise, and you'll be tempted to react to that. She's going to say things that hurt your feelings, more even than what she's already said. She might even leave and go her own way, but YOU will have behaved consistantly in the interim. In essence, your message is, "HERE is love, peace and security. THERE is chaos and division."[/quote]
Ditto with quoted advice!!!! I am currently 5th month seperated same thing same words were used.But I have no way of knowing of other guy but I am sure there is one.My mistakes......lashing out...reacting without thinking and saying things to hurt...And above ALL...When she starts to vent...LISTEN and do not defend yourself at ALL....Even if it sounds like crap....Just say "yes,I can see your point"."yes I wasnt aware it was that bad"...Do not argue....do not justify...You need to act hurt....which I'm sure is not far from the truth.Be slow to anger...She has changed you,my friend,and you need for her to see it....I was HUMBLED in a matter of days after hearing her words...I turned away from chasing her and trying to push the issue....The more you push anything you think you can control,the further she will run in the opposite direction...Stay on Loveshaq...These are the same people that helped me and are still my source of refreshment everyday..These people are great...Hang in there friend..I know this hurts like No other pain known to man....
Thanks again. It seems like most of the advice I am hearing is to let go somewhat, listen and give her space. Problem is that she has carried on a 2 month relationship that she CLAIMS is not physical and has no intention to stop so far as I can tell.
I can listen and give her space but I think at the very least, I deserve respect after almost a decade and 2 kids later. I know I cannot expect or demand love but can I not expect respect? Is it not too much to have this other relationship stop or is that part of continuing to pressure/control her? I guess the part I am having the most trouble with is accepting that she is going to do whatever she is going to do without any say from me.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it is killing me inside to think that all the while I am battling to save our marriage there is some other guy telling my wife to leave...and she's listening!
hopeful
Last edited by hopefulhusband; 1st January 2006 at 9:39 AM..
What I have come to realize is that there is and was nothing I could say or do to stop my wife from doing anything!!!"the grass looks greener" is an old statement and holds true even today...And yes ,this other guy is probably contaminating the issue concerning this marraige.And yes ,she is probably going to fasion his advice over rational thought.Do not get angry do not say anything!!When she sees that you have stopped pushing and have let her do her own will....she will at some point stop and look back to see where you are...Right now she knows where you are...On her heels ,so to speak.It hurts very much to just stand back and watch the love of our life walk away and act like life just started over...No remorse for our feelings and no insight to their future..HOW can they just stomp us out like a stale cigarrette??!!They are not concerned about the respect that is due..They avoid it like the plague.What I have come to notice from these forums and others is..."the grass does LOOK greener" on the other side.It is only a matter of time until they notice it is NOT.Everything looks brand new and exciting in her eyes right now....Everyone giving advice here knows what works and what does not.Do not file -do not throw her things out -do not move out.Do move on.......My wife has definetely seen MAJOR changes in the way I approach matters and the endurance to remain "more than the usual calm" since she left me.My actions speak LOUDER than anything I could have posibly done or said that has made her think about what she is doing.She has not returned home but I can see the wheels turning in her head...She was NOT expecting me to improve and or change things about myself.That is the only reason that she is even curious about the life she left.Either way it goes ,I have made myself a better person BY FAR and have goals set before me that include myself being alone and somewhat happy.Time is on your side.....yes it is....Patience is a VERY difficult road to travel....Endurance is your best Ally.
I can listen and give her space but I think at the very least, I deserve respect after almost a decade and 2 kids later. I know I cannot expect or demand love but can I not expect respect? Is it not too much to have this other relationship stop or is that part of continuing to pressure/control her? I guess the part I am having the most trouble with is accepting that she is going to do whatever she is going to do without any say from me.
Yes, you should expect and require that all people treat you with respect, but what does that mean? That she should do what you expect? It would probably help to clarify exactly what it means to respect and be respected. (Wow. I just realized our marriage needs the same thing right now. Thanks!)
Also, H, this is a time when you really need to find a good marriage counsellor. This is classic 7-year-itch a little late. You're right to fight for what's good and for those kids. Chances are the
Also, check out www.marriagebuilders.com , especially the meeting emotional needs (abbreviated as EM on LoveShak (LS)). There's some good stuff there. But if you're not communicating what you want and she's not either, it doesn't bode well. Sounds like you're both afraid of that communication--for good reason. It can be terribly hurtful without care, and when you're hurting, it is hard to be respectful and honest. I've found the materials on marriagebuilders to be helpful in that regard.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It hurts like crazy. Keep us posted and get the support you need here if you just need to vent sometimes.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 1st January 2006 at 10:45 AM..
You need to distance yourself emotionally from her right now. If it were me, I woudl ask her to move out, but I understand the kids situation and the separation of a parental relationship can really screw them up, especially at the ages of 3 & 6. It's currently happening to my 3-year-old now. She's regressed in potty training and is very stressed that she's acting out in school. Kids that age can not verablize their feelings very well. It's sad to see them go through pain. If you stay in the house with her, move to a separate bedroom. This can easily be explained to the kids - daddy snores or some other story. Create your own life without her. Join a gym, take up a hobby, but most of all, spend tons of time with friends and meet new people. Go out. Don't report to her what you're doing or where you're going. Tell her you'll be with friends. If she needs to reach you, she can call on you cell. Don't talk about anything personal unless she initiates it, and then hold your tongue and listen to what she has to say. Tell her that you need space now to figure out what you want and need. Once she sees that you are not dependent on her and have found a life of your own, she may want to start working on your relationship again, but you have to distance yourself emotionally. And that's a very hard thing to do when you love someone and feel abandoned. Seek therapy too, but on your own. Do not discuss your therapy sessions with her, because unless she's going with you, it's none of her damn business.
Thanks Xillr8ng. Your words help a lot. I am having so much trouble doing any of that though. I can't seem to get past the resentment I feel towards, as you say, her not even affording me respect.
One thing I am VERY curious about is how you don't move out, or somebody doesn't move out and still "move on." I can't imagine things being the way they are now and me being able to see her and not having the constant emotion I am suffering now. I am an emotional person anyway so it's difficult not to show what's going on inside.
The other thing that is still stabbing me in the heart is that she is so obviously trying to do all of this with nothing else in our lives changing, i.e. not letting anyone else know like the kids, our parents, friends etc. Funny thing is that she has him, and girlfriends to talk to and I have nobody. Anyone I trust enough to talk to I would not want to taint their opinion of her and I suspect I would just get the "what a bitch" routine and that would not be helpful so here I sit, alone.
I want to do what you and others (not just here) are suggesting and "let go" and "improve myself" but I keep thinking that if I can get her to see why this guy MUST be a scumbag to be with a married woman with 2 small children and all that entails, then she would at least emotionally come back to see what we can work on.
I did ask her this morning if she would consider going to marriage counseling and she said yes, but there was no conviction behind it.
Bottom line, and why your advice rings so true, is that her actions are being fueled by a need to be uncontrolled. She even said at one point during the initial conversation a couple day ago that "this [other] relationship was the first thing she's done in her life that was outside what others expected of her."
How can I counter that with anything? Anything I ask of her, even counseling is just one more expectation to rebel against but I have to believe that at the very least, counseling would either start healing or let us know that there is nowhere to go with our marriage. Does that sound about right?
..and lonestar. (does it seem like I'm sitting here waiting...)
Again, thank you, and again that emotional detachment is what I can't seem to do. I know I need to but she seems to think I have been detached before this so I am struggling to see that as a viable option, even though I know it must be.
One clarification though please; are you suggesting that I NOT pursue counseling WITH her, or in addition, get it for myself?
One thing I am VERY curious about is how you don't move out, or somebody doesn't move out and still "move on." I can't imagine things being the way they are now and me being able to see her and not having the constant emotion I am suffering now. . . . The other thing that is still stabbing me in the heart is that she is so obviously trying to do all of this with nothing else in our lives changing, i.e. not letting anyone else know like the kids, our parents, friends etc.
This is an excellent question. I honestly don't think you can live in the same house and move on. Having the person right there whom you're longing for is like waving a juicy T-bone in front of a dog outside the cage he's in. Having her in the house with nothing changed just makes the hurt worse.
You can't let the kids know at this point. That would be akin to asking them to handle a nuclear bomb; they're not equipped to do so. But why not the parents? Why not call the parents up for advice, including hers? Many times in marriage ceremonies all those folks who witness the marriage promise to uphold and support that marriage. So let them at this point. You don't have to lay the story out in a blaming way. You can lay it out just like you did here and ask for help. Wise people know they're only getting one side of the story and respond accordingly.
Instead of focusing on her behavior, focus on what you need to do in order to stay sane and care for those children and the marriage in a constructive way with help from constructive (not destructive--i.e. OM) others.
..and lonestar. (does it seem like I'm sitting here waiting...)
Again, thank you, and again that emotional detachment is what I can't seem to do. I know I need to but she seems to think I have been detached before this so I am struggling to see that as a viable option, even though I know it must be.
One clarification though please; are you suggesting that I NOT pursue counseling WITH her, or in addition, get it for myself?
Thank you,
Hopeful
Ask her once if she will go to counseling with you. If she refuses, don't ask again. That's called begging. Go by yourself and work on your own feelings about all this.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
She might even leave and go her own way, but YOU will have behaved consistantly in the interim. In essence, your message is, "HERE is love, peace and security. THERE is chaos and division."
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