Hi!
I have been reading many posts in this forum and they have given me much comfort. However, I have not quite found a thread with my problem and I hope that you will be generous with your life stories and advice.
Ok, here it is: My husband's best friend is extremely good looking... even beating the looks of many a Calvin Klein underwear model. Over time, I have developed a deep crush in him that is only getting worse. My husband is average looking (bulging waist, etc...), but I am attractive and skinny. This friend lives several thousand miles away and visits us 3-4 times/year for 2 weeks at a time. Well, my marriage has been going downhill for the past year due to my husband's inability to control his anger and having a stressful job. I have shut down my feelings for my husband. So during this friend's last visit, I let him know about my feelings for him. And to my surprise, he told me that he felt the same way for me. We have kissed and made out, but have not had intercouse yet. He doesn't want to lose his friendship with my husband. I think that he values his friendship more than a relationship with me. Anyway, my problem is that I cannot stop thinking about him and wanting to do "more". We will meet again in February, and I don't know what to do.... I feel happy at the thought of seeing him again, and the next minute, I'd feel angry at myself for being so vulnerable. I hate my husband for making me vulnerable. And I hate him for not having sex with me. Why do you suppose he doesn't want to have sex with me (other than the reason that he gave me)??
I know I must sound completely crazy and desperate. I guess I am a very visual woman. I like to look at beautiful women. This is the first time that I've allowed myself to look at a beutiful man. And I can't keep my hands off him!
Let me explain a little about myself. I have only slept with my husband. We've been married 9 years. We have 3 beautiful children. My husband is a successful entrepreneur and owns his own business. His best friend is also rich. I guess I have a pretty good family... that's why his best friend told me that he doesn't want to break it up (by having sex with me.) So why did he make out with me? He would gladly go down on me but draws the line there. I am so confused.
"I hate my husband for making me vulnerable. And I hate him for not having sex with me. Why do you suppose he doesn't want to have sex with me (other than the reason that he gave me)??"
OMG you are blaming your husband for your attraction & (yes already cheating on him) with his best friend? Woman own up to your mistakes and gain some maturity.
Why doesn't he want to have sex with you? Well, 95% of the men out there have what we call an 'instinct'. Good chance you know what that is. He can sense something is up by the way the interactions between you two have been. So he distances himself to protect his heart because he knows what has happened or what will happen. However to accuse you of something that he has no proof of is what would label him as a jerk & a control freak.
So when February comes around have your fling. That 30 minutes of happiness will be drowned in the guilt and the miserable feeling that you now have that you completely destroyed your marriage. Instead of going to a marriage counselor and actually learning how to communicate better with your husband you decide to get into this guy's pants just like an alcoholic dives into his booze. Guess what, the problems are still there afterwards just with more thrown on top of it.
This guy is NO friend of your husband's and you are NOT being a wife to him either. Flirting, kissing, touching IS cheating. What you are trying to do is take the easy road out, rationalizing your ill behavior and trying to explain away your immaturity in this situation.
You want what you once had with your husband? Well your not going to get it by sleeping with this guy. Find a licensed marriage counselor right away, make an appointment and ask your husband to go along. THEN break the news to your husband on what you did. If he wants to continue the marriage with you only then you will be on the right track to solve the problems you two have.
BTW check out the link in my signature it maybe of some use.
Stop screwing around and giving yourself excuses. You're in an affair because you lust after a good looking guy, so take responsibility for it and stop trying to blame everyone else and the dog for it.
This friend of your husbands is no friend of his at all. If your current marriage is so terrible and this guy is so great, then do the right thing. Divorce your current husband, THEN go out with the other guy. Don't like the sound of that? Most cheaters don't. Strangely enough, thier marriage isn't so terrible that they'd actually want to leave it.
You've got three choices.
1. Work on your marriage.
2. Divorce your husband.
3. Be a complete and cowardly a$$ and continue to have an affair that will eventually destroy your marriage anyway.
I can't believe that his bestfriend would do that !! I don't think he is too much a friend to do that.. Maybe the reason he won't have sex with you is that he thinks it would be wrong but he has had sex with you!! What do you thnk oral is ? I think you should work on your marriage before you do anything more !!! Go to marriage counseling and work on your marriage before you do anything else!! Tell his bestfriend not to come down you need to work things through with your h !! Him coming around is making things worst for you!! How do you know it is love and not lust because he is so hot?
Sweetie, you are setting yourself up for heartache. Take it from someone who knows. I'm not going to come in here and go off on you about this, because it's obvious that you have some needs that are unmet. That happens, but what you do about it is what matters. Just because you have unmet needs, it doesn't mean that you have the right to cheat. You also sound a bit immature because you're focused all on appearances.
One day all those looks will pass away and you'll be old. It happens to everyone. This good looking, model type rich guy can have anyone he wants. He's low enough to cheat with you on his BEST friend so how is that you think he'll be faithful to you??
Do you have children?? If so, there is also what you are doing to them by doing this.
I was a cheating wife at one time. I know how it feels to feel unappreciated and to be upset because your husband has let himself go. Mine weighed almost 300 lbs. That doesn't mean what I did was right, it wasn't.
When you get caught, and you will, the pain it is going to cause everyone will be unbelievable. I know because I never would have imagined that one day I would feel guilty for what I did but I do. You don't think of it at the time, it's like Tudor said, you're seeking attention from this man like a alcoholic with a drink.
Get some counseling and quit talking to this guy. You may think I don't know what I'm talking about, but I do. Listen to me.
How would you feel if your husband had sex with your best friend behind your back? You and the best friend are a real piece a work. Not only do you want to betray your husband (in your own home?) , put his health at risk for STD's and betray him with his best friend. Why don't you just put a knife in your husband and slowly turn it. If you have any decency left I suggest that you tell your husband what you have done and tell him his best friend is no true friend to him. Seek marriage counseling. By the way when your husband finds out that you have slept with his best friend (if you do), the chances are great he will divorce you and you will become another statistic. Look in the mirror. Are you proud of what you are doing? Would you want your husband do to you what you are doing to him? What goes around comes around!
How would you feel if your husband had sex with your best friend behind your back? You and the best friend are a real piece a work. Not only do you want to betray your husband (in your own home?) , put his health at risk for STD's and betray him with his best friend. Why don't you just put a knife in your husband and slowly turn it. If you have any decency left I suggest that you tell your husband what you have done and tell him his best friend is no true friend to him. Seek marriage counseling. By the way when your husband finds out that you have slept with his best friend (if you do), the chances are great he will divorce you and you will become another statistic. Look in the mirror. Are you proud of what you are doing? Would you want your husband do to you what you are doing to him? What goes around comes around!
Great post and totally agree with you put the shoe on the other foot !! How would you feel if it was you, your h was cheating on with your bestfriend?
Darling you have had three children with this man, he has been a part of your life for almost a decade and you would throw it away for a cheap thrill which will leave you cold, alone and guilt-ridden. If this guy would cheat on his best friend with his wife than not only can you not trust him yourself, he may only want the one night stand thing and then never look on the side you are on again because he will not respect you because face it, what you are planning on doing is worse than what he is.
Your husband is in a stressful job yes, but I bet he is providing you with everything you want, including a family. You owe it to your husband, your kids and your self to work things out with your husband. Perhaps telling him would in fact do more harm than good because you have alot riding on this and you haven't actually had sex, the ultimate betrayal whih he will probably assume you have done anyway. Perhaps tell him there was an attraction between you and his best friend and suggest perhaps that some distance between them would be best, get that guy *!OUT OF YOUR LIFE!*, but I would agree with the others who have posted that marriage counselling is the best way to go about this whole thing. Alot of people spend a few years in their marriage and then find it too hard to work things out so they split, which is perhaps why divorce is so common. You have gone over the hurdle of living together, having kids together, this can only make you stronger as a couple.
Be a good wife and a mother and give this creep the flick because you deserve more than a life of guilt which a lust filled night will provide you for the rest of your life.
Everybody, especially JM has said what I was going to say.
I hope you realize that the bestfriend is only out for just one thing. NOTHING MORE. You're allowing yourself to live a fantasy, which will mess up your life, your marriage and most of all your KIDS.
Talk to your husband, go to marriage counselling, stop blaming him that things are crappy. Everybody has issues at some point with their spouse - DO something positive about it then. If he makes you feel vunerable and not good about yourself, stand up to him and TELL him how it makes you feel. Communication is what you need. To understand eachother and work on the marriage together.
If neither of you are willing to give this marriage a go, then end it. Don't be messing around with his bestfriend.
Please Please Please PLEASE don't make the mistake if you do get a divorce of starting a relationship with this guy because the hurt you are inflicting on your husband will be nothing in comparison to you and his best friend jumping in the sack the first chance you get. Things will get nasty seeing as you have children and it would be the stupidest thing you caould possibly do!
THank you all for your sincere comments. This forum has helped me deal with my feelings for this man. I know that it is wrong to want to go after this guy. But he is so incredibly charming and sexy. He also has a bigger you-know-what than my husband's. As I've said, I have never kissed - let alone sleep - with any one other than my husband. So please understand my curiosity in this matter. I have told my husband about having feelings for his best friend, and he still INSISTS that we take the vacation in February with his friend. He says that he totally trusts us, which makes me feel like a complete fool.
Thanks for setting me straight. As I've said, this site has been very helpful....
I know I should count my blessings. I love my children. One thing I want to set straight, though, is that this is totally my fault. His best friend draws a line, at least. I don't understand why, though. It actually makes me feel self-conscious, making me feel "not attractive enough" for him. That is what drives me crazy. (And I know that I must sound horrible shallow to you right now. I am only human...).
I want to add that I did decide to work on my MARRIAGE. But I still find myself fantasizing about him constantly. And sometimes, I convince myself that it is ok to have sex with HIM as long as nobody finds out. My husband would forgive me even if he did find out....
I must sound delusional to you. But I think that I am in love.
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