Think of your marriage/spouse as like buying a car..
Really.. The thought came to me last week while going over in my head my past relationships, my marriage and now where my brother is at.
When you buy a car you looking at a huge investment (for the most part). You put your hard work into paying, maintaining and keep the car in good shape. If that car is to just nickle & dime you all the time or give you non-stop problems, what do you do? Get rid of it.
Same with a marriage/relationship. If you are putting everything possible into it and not getting much in return why do you stay in it? The most notiable answer is because you 'love' them. Well what do you love about them? What makes them special than all the other of millions out there that WILL treat you good and have respect for you?
What makes them so different than anyone else that you are willing to take your one & only life on this planet and keep pursuing, devoting your life to them hoping things will change?
If you are not getting back what you put into a relationship then something is obvisously wrong. Yes I know people are not the same as vechiles however looking at it this way gives you a different angle on things. I often read alot of these posts and the ones who are victims of being cheated, abused, etc.. have alot of power over themselves and their relationship yet they are afraid or don't know how to use this. For you out there you need to start thinking about yourself and your future. Don't base your own self-worth because of your partner's emotional or mental problems. That is something you can't control. Take care of yourself even if it means throwing that no good car to the junkyard and finding yourself a new one that is better suited for you
A lot of people buy a car right off the lot because they like its looks. They do no research, barely do a test-drive, and trade it out when they get bored with it. And they don't bother with regular maintenance.
I am waiting for the guys to post that they would prefer a "hummer"....... and prefer a short term lease on it.
Lots of used cars out there too.....
bent frames......hidden under spit shined exteriors and candy apple paint jobs.
I think you should make a list of expectations for your new vehicle.
If you need a 4 x 4 then stick to that, and do not attempt to use a ford festiva to go four wheeling.
Perhaps a post is needed to describe yourself as a vehicle and your SO
A lot of people buy a car right off the lot because they like its looks. They do no research, barely do a test-drive, and trade it out when they get bored with it. And they don't bother with regular maintenance.
And alot of people don't do the same when it comes to relationships?
She said she felt like she'd been sold a lemon in her husband because in the beginning he was all sweet and loving- much like a new car is bright and shiny when now he isn't so much anymore.
Everyone knows how a new car feels in the beginning and then five years down the road you're ready to trade it in!
Lets take the car and relationships business a little further shall we.
When a man, buys a car he usually checks it out carefully before purchase, usually in the company of a couple of mates with some knowledge of mechanics. The woman, buying a car, is even more careful often engaging a professional to check it out. Both try to ignore the polish and chrome and check out the whole package. After purchase both maintain the car to keep it running properly, backyard for the men, professional for the women. Usually anyhow! The men will call in a professional for the tricky stuff. Macho pride is lost if all that’s needed is a change of spark plugs but not if something complicated is doing strange things in the electronic ignition components. And many modern women are finding the bonnet and tool box far less of a taboo zone than it used to be.
Certainly neither gender will ever expect the car to be perfect and to run perfectly for the next fifty years. Neither will buy a car, purely on a whim, drive it for ten years without any servicing of any kind, and then, when the old banger finally gives up the ghost and falls in a heap, go to a professional mechanic, and say, “It broke! You fix!”
And yet this is exactly how the average marriage goes. The initial attraction is to the bodywork. That’s fine but the average man hunting female is totally blind to defects at this stage, mostly due to a refusal to acknowledge that they are even there, instead of simply checking them and allowing for them. Or rejecting the entire relationship if those defects are genuinely serious and not some minor problem.
After the wedding not one woman in a million would simply ring a marriage guidance counseller over something minor. Such as a few late nights at the office for instance.
As usual girlfriends are the ones consulted at this stage and the poisoned attitudes flow thick and fast. Usually in the form of blind accusations of infidelity. Am I exaggerating again? Well you tell me. Try making a list of as many reasons you can think of for his staying back late and see how many you can come up with. How about a responsible worker who likes to get the job done,? Or a big fat mortgage and a big fat pay check to match? Interesting work? Or. Perhaps, such a hostile, poisoned environment, in the home, that the workplace is preferable?
This is where the professionals can really bring things into perspective. Routine maintenance of a relationship just like routine maintenance on a car.
But this is not what professionals normally confront. More common are the completely broken marriages which were dud marriages from the word go, which have never been maintained, and which have finally fallen in a heap. Women who have looked at the flash body, either on the man, or worse, on the hire car he’s driving, and decided, from that alone, that this man was perfect. Not good! Perfect!
Am I going over the top perhaps. Ask the girlfriends. Who among you has ever consulted a professional marriage guidance counseller BEFORE entering into a marriage. Not later when the thing is a relationship wreck. It’s starting to finally occur but still not a common practice.
Even when considered, purely as a business partnership, a relationship involves hundreds of times the money investment as a car does. Let alone the emotional, relationship, and family investment. Professional mechanics are consulted before buying a car. Professional accountants, and lawyers, are consulted before business partners enter into a business partnership. A marriage is a business partnership and so much more.
Professionals need to be consulted far more often long before entering into this most serious partnership of the lot. Very few business partnerships are intended to last for up to eighty years and, when business partnerships break up the assets and debts are divided evenly and the partners go their separate ways. Ongoing liabilities, such as kids, which require the partners to still maintain communication and co operation, are rare.
There’s another piece of perverse macho irony here worth noting. The woman, who admits she doesn’t know all there is to know about men , and relationships, seems to fear the same ridicule as the man who admits that he doesn’t know all there is to know about cars. The average woman listens to all sorts of blind guesses about the suitably of the latest boyfriend but never consults a professional.
This is the one area of society where professionals are normally only consulted when its way too late.
The professional mechanic doesn’t get handed a trailer load of parts and get told, “Our cars’ broke. You fix.” But the professional marriage guidance counseller is regularly handed a destroyed marriage and told “You fix” Doesn’t work that way.
A lot of people buy a car right off the lot because they like its looks. They do no research, barely do a test-drive, and trade it out when they get bored with it. And they don't bother with regular maintenance.
Heh, that's my STBXW to a tee. I do give her credit for changing the oil every 60,000 miles whether it needs it or not though.
I know your story Jmargel and I'm really sorry for what you're going through but this is really a sad way to view marriage. What ever happened to loyalty? I understand that sometimes things don't work in a marriage for whatever reason but I just can't look at a person as if they were a toy or inanimate object. People are not dispensible, I can't throw them away like trash or a used plaything.
When you buy a car you looking at a huge investment (for the most part). You put your hard work into paying, maintaining and keep the car in good shape. If that car is to just nickle & dime you all the time or give you non-stop problems, what do you do? Get rid of it.
Do you have to get rid of it? Or is the problem that your wife be happy with giving it a new paint job and you think it needs an engine overhaul?
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For you out there you need to start thinking about yourself and your future. Don't base your own self-worth because of your partner's emotional or mental problems. That is something you can't control. Take care of yourself even if it means throwing that no good car to the junkyard and finding yourself a new one that is better suited for you
Or...shop together and pick out that perfect shiny new vehicle that suits both of your needs...the one that will make you both happy, one that you both care about equally and will agree to put the same amount of effort into maintaining it in the years to come.
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I'm not 40. I'm $39.95 plus shipping and handling.
I understand that sometimes things don't work in a marriage for whatever reason but I just can't look at a person as if they were a toy or inanimate object. People are not dispensible, I can't throw them away like trash or a used plaything.
Well maybe you SHOULD if it can't be mended. Why is it that if there's *abuse* in the relationship then it's fine to tell the poor woman to leave right away, it's broken beyond repair - but if there's just a deep underlying incompatibility (or a serious 'just grown apart' scenario, which indicates there was always an incompatibility anyway) it somehow doesn't matter.. just work away at it as if things will be fine if you just brush it under the carpet?
Relationships shouldn't be so absolutely sacred that you cling on to them through thick and thin, when it's broken and all you're likely to get is misery from them. Whether it's a marriage or not, if it's truly hopeless then for Heaven's sake move on and try again. Why waste your precious time on this planet over it?
Well maybe you SHOULD if it can't be mended. Why is it that if there's *abuse* in the relationship then it's fine to tell the poor woman to leave right away, it's broken beyond repair - but if there's just a deep underlying incompatibility (or a serious 'just grown apart' scenario, which indicates there was always an incompatibility anyway) it somehow doesn't matter.. just work away at it as if things will be fine if you just brush it under the carpet?
Relationships shouldn't be so absolutely sacred that you cling on to them through thick and thin, when it's broken and all you're likely to get is misery from them. Whether it's a marriage or not, if it's truly hopeless then for Heaven's sake move on and try again. Why waste your precious time on this planet over it?
Really though, in the above scenario, there is nothing therefore you are throwing away 'nothing'.
Gee...this car concept is kind of interesting when you stop and think about it.
Does that mean it would be ok if I just stopped at a dealership and test drove a few models without any intent to buy? You know, just take her around the block or two, and then just drop her off at the dealership when I'm done? I mean sure....not like my old clunker van is gonna care...you know?
And just think...if your finances are good, you can just take the old model back every few years and trade up for a newer racier one!
But...you do want to be careful when you're looking at some of the used models...you don't know how she's been driven before, or by who!
Now...that all was just in good fun ya'll. Don't take any bit of it seriously!!
OK...Owl's bad humor is now shut back off!
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"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
Gee...this car concept is kind of interesting when you stop and think about it.
Does that mean it would be ok if I just stopped at a dealership and test drove a few models without any intent to buy? You know, just take her around the block or two, and then just drop her off at the dealership when I'm done? I mean sure....not like my old clunker van is gonna care...you know?
And just think...if your finances are good, you can just take the old model back every few years and trade up for a newer racier one!
But...you do want to be careful when you're looking at some of the used models...you don't know how she's been driven before, or by who!
Now...that all was just in good fun ya'll. Don't take any bit of it seriously!!
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
and prefer a short term lease on it. 
You know, just take her around the block or two, and then just drop her off at the dealership when I'm done? I mean sure....not like my old clunker van is gonna care...you know? 
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