[GuySimple]

Should I be dating 3 months after separation?

I have been separated for a few months now and starting to have a few dates. Nothing serious yet, but the opportunity of a more physical relationship is starting to present itself.

I’m just wondering if there is an appropriate time after separation to start dating. Some people have told me no. While some have said not for a year until you are divorced.

My wife and I have discussed this and have agreed that it is OK that we date. But, having said it and finding out the person has been dating are two completely different things.

[MrPinkEyes]

Its all going to depend on you, really. Beware that doing it too soon after separation seems to make it easy to cling to someone new. After my 1st wife and I separated, we started seeing other people about 3 months into the separation. I met my 2nd wife in the 4th month. Coincidentally, my 2nd wife was also in her 4th month of separation. I did see and talk to other people before I met her, though.

I think dating is fine, but not allowing too much attachment within that early period should be the rule. I attached to my second wife because she filled in the voids that were lacking in the previous marriage, so my balance was skewed in the opposite direction. I didn't take enough time for myself to heal over the previous marriage and allow myself to start with a clean slate.

Like I said, though, it will all depend on you and where you stand emotionally.

BTW, my second wife and I are currently separated, and I am in no rush to start dating at this point. But, that is just me.

The decision is ultimately up to you and how comfortable you are with hearing about your estranged spouse seeing someone else.

[scobro]

BTW, my second wife and I are currently separated, and I am in no rush to start dating at this point. But, that is just me.

Damn......You have been through this twice????how did you handle it the second time must have been hard I would imagine.geez I cannot imagine going through another marriage ending it would kill me.

[brngme2life76]

Me and my Ex H have been separated for 4 months now and we are both dating. I guess it depends on the people and the type of separation you are going through. Me and my H are both understanding and said we are not getting back together so we do what we feels right to us. I am currently dating a man who is a great person and I am starting to have feelings for him already and him me. My H is dating also but he is not into the whole serious dating as I am yet. Make sure you know what you want before you go through the dating scene, it may cause some mixed emotions on both ends which I am guessing it already is. Good luck! Keep us updated, I would actually like to know more on this with you as I am there too!

[Hot Coco]

I don't think there's any hard and fast rule on this. Like another poster pointed out it depends on your emotional state.

I met my husband 3 days after I separated from my ex-husband. It was over between us WAY before we separated and I moved to a different state so didn't care what he did as far as dating.

[CoolAunt]

I've never divorced but I once dated a man who had been seperated from his wife for a year. Although he wasn't yet divorced, I justified the relationship as not being adultery because "seperated for one year is as good as divorced." WRONG! When the divorce papers were finally filed, I learned that even the process of divorce, long after the relationship is over, can drag a man through the horrible emotions that he went through when seperating.

Btw, he told me that I was the catalyst for him to finally stop waiting for his now ex and to file divorce papers. Oh, lucky me. Glad I could be there to help. (sarcasm) He's now remarried to someone who wasn't a part of a terrible time in his life.

Since then, I've come to believe that it's risky business to date a divorced man until at least one month for each year of the marriage, with a minimum of one year.

[GuySimple]

It was over between us long before we decided to separate as well. We tried to hang on as long as possible mostly due to the kids and ego (pride). And some days can still be frustrating. These times are usually around kid issues and just the logistics of living separately.

Our relationship is still good though. When I see her the whole range of questions start running through my head…could I be with this woman again?...Is she what I am looking for?...What emotions does she bring out?...

What I struggle with is how I have gone from a 17-year functioning marriage to being single in 3-4 months and still be happy. I keep thinking that I should be miserable and hate my wife. But I don’t.

I worry about her finding out that I have had a few dinner dates. I don’t want to hurt her. I went to a party last night and didn’t take a date. She asked if I was taking anyone. At first I said yes to see what she would say…her comment was great I hope you have a good time you deserve it. Then I told her I wasn’t but was please that she would be OK.

A few weeks ago my wife asked if she could take the kids to see friends between Christmas and New Years. At first I was hurt and P-O’ed that we would not be around each other over the holidays. Then I was talking to another single “friend” and mentioned this and it turns out she is alone as well. So we’re going to do something together for a few days.

Anyway, it continues to be an interesting ride.

[basscatcher]

I personally don't see anything wrong with dating but looking to be romantically involved, in my book, is a no-no.
I agree that both parties as well as the one you are dating knows you are dating and not divorced.
I think it is wise to not become romantically involved because you still have issues and a lot of headaches and heartache to deal with.

I feel it it ok to date because it gives you the opportunity to rediscover yourself, your intersts, values, morals, wants and needs. I think sometimes we need a raw out-side source to stimulate our senses and get our lives jump started. When I was just dating with no interest in getting seroius I stated I was JUST dating and playing the field so-to-speak without getting overly involved or invested with someone.

[Trimmer]

scobro - while I understand what you are saying (e.g. how can one rush into dating in just a few months?), I look at the final date of the divorce as a somewhat artificial point from which to start some kind of a dating time clock. I would say that if you're going to count time, the time you start counting "being alone" is the point where, in your mind and heart, you have really let go of your spouse, and have really started looking forward and living your life fully for yourself.

And here's the key for me: I think this happens for people at WIDELY varying times. Some people finalize a divorce and even for a long time after, have a lot of emotional issues to work out before really "letting go". This seems especially likely where the whole thing comes down like a ton of bricks and the legal process happens relatively quickly. These are probably some of the stories where you hear people say "I needed a long time after my divorce was final before I could start dating again..."

In other cases, you see people discovering problems, and staying in the marriage for a while, whether actively trying to work on the problems, or just trying to decide what to do. And sometimes people start working towards disconnecting from each other well before the divorce process is even started.

I absolutely do not mean to pass judgement on people in either of these situations - I'm pointing out that it happens very differently for everyone, and I agree that there's probably not a good hard and fast rule, and certainly not one based on the final date of the legal divorce.

In my own case, our legal divorce, while still 100% inevitable, is in a mutually agreed holding pattern to help us improve some logistical and asset disposition issues in ways that will improve both of our individual post-divorce lives. But while my own nightmare started in a miserable way, and proceeded for some time with me feeling like I was getting my intestines ripped out slowly through my @ss%ole, I have been working hard on getting myself healthy, and feel like I am already working towards a reasonable degree of acceptance and "letting go," and looking forward to a positive, healthy life without this woman as my wife. And while I don't think I will do any kind of dating/female companionship/etc. at all before the divorce is final (just my opinion of what's proper for me, and what's fair to a potential date, YMMV...), I am pretty sure that by the time that rolls around, I will have spent a good amount of time disconnected from my STBX as my "wife" and will have moved her mostly into healthy positions of business partner and co-parent in my life.

So I would be interested to ask the original question in a slightly modified way: Regardless of when the official separation or legal divorce happened, how long after you had really disconnected from your ex, and accepted that he/she was truly out of your future life did you start dating, and how did it work out?

Now on one hand, GuySimple, you say:

Originally Posted by GuySimple

It was over between us long before we decided to separate as well

but then on the other hand, you say:

When I see her the whole range of questions start running through my head…could I be with this woman again?...Is she what I am looking for?...What emotions does she bring out?...

My question is, have you truly accepted that she is out of your life and your heart, in her role as your wife? And if it comes to dating, and the possibility of moving into a relationship as "close friends" or even edging in the "romantic" direction, can you honestly say to yourself, I'm really not holding the door open for her and I really have all of my heart ready to be wholly in this relationship with a new person? (When I originally wrote that sentence, I wrote it as "ready to give your heart to this other person", but it's not even that, necessarily - I really mean is your heart ready to be "fully present" in the new relationship, and not tugging back to the ex? Isn't that what both you and the new person deserve?)

Bottom line - it's much more complex and specific to an individual's situation than I think you can put a time limit on.

[GuySimple]

Trimmer, you raised some interesting points. When I get my look at my marriage rationally and focus on just that relationship, I would have to say that it was over many years ago. It bothers me that I really didn’t try very hard to work on it, nor did my wife. It became very much a relationship of convenience.

The questions that I have been wresting with lately when I see her are around just how little there appears to have been in our relationship as far as true feelings of love and affection. This has come as a surprise to me as it wasn’t even me who initiated the breakup. But I keep looking for something there emotionally; most because I thought that I loved her more than I am finding I did.

So, when I look at finding someone else, I am not interested in given too much to them right away. I don’t know what type of person that I want mostly because I don’t know what type of person I am becoming. I do know that I am not ready for a serious committed relationship although I do want to see people. I am conscious not to fall into the arms of the first person who comes along and makes me feel good.

I have been very upfront with dates when they talk about a more serious relationship. Some people want to jump into something serious as fast as possible and do have a problem with someone like me. Their first comment is that “you are not over your wife”. My response is that no, I don’t want another relationship like I had and are willing to wait for something better. Others have been OK to take things a bit slower but I am finding at my age these are fewer and far between.