This is something that I have never understood. It has always taken me a great deal of time to heal and recover from a relationship- even when I was the one who ended it! It took me 6 months to get over a girl that I broke up with (but I knew it was for the best). I just can't jump into the arms (and bed) of another person that quickly. It would just be for the wrong reasons. I'm also at the point that dating someone, without having it go somewhere, is a waste of time.
So why is it that several of my ex's were able to start dating somebody new within WEEKS of our relationship ending? Is it because they need to fill a void, or that they are unhappy with themselves, or that they never loved me to begin with? Or perhaps a combination of all 3? Are these people sluts/gigalos? They certainly didn't seem like sluts/gigalos when they were with me. I guess I'm cursed in love and life because I actually have something called a HEART.
I would never want to jump from one relationship to another- I don't need all of that heartache and confusion.
I think that in a lot of cases those people who commit serial-monogamy are looking for something or someone outside of themselves to fill a void within. There are a lot of people who don't feel complete unless they are in a relationship, and they easily fall into the arms of another because it (fasely) fills their emptiness. That's just my two cents.
My ex did that after he broke up with me and I don't know that it helped him much. I think he was just lonely and feeling like he had maybe made a mistake and she was there - a shoulder to cry on. they didn't last long and apparently, he's still not over me.
Filling a void is one explanation. Another is based on three women I know who have all gotten divorces recently.
The one who was taken off guard by it can't stomach the idea of dating and is taking her time.
The other two were emotionally out of their marriages long before they were physically out of them. They had quite a while to heal emotionally and had left (in their hearts) long before. They were ready for something new pretty much right away.
I also have an ex who was emotionally gone long before she was physically gone. She was soon dating a new guy with whom she got very serious and married around a year after our breakup. I never had the impression she was the needy type. She was also pretty much ready when she left.
I also have an ex who was emotionally gone long before she was physically gone. She was soon dating a new guy with whom she got very serious and married around a year after our breakup.
johan, just curious here, was she the one to break up or you?
I agree with you Jen-Jen. My ex is one of these people. She doesn't know who she really is, and she often attaches herself to other people (mostly guys) who have much stronger personalities. These people help fill her void, and make her seem complete. The sad thing is that she even admitted this to me! She had a breakthrough session with her therapist, in which she learned that this is the type of person she is. She told me when we broke up that she needed to know that being alone was okay- that she didn't need to be with somebody in order to be happy. I believed her. I still do actually. I believe she MEANT what she said, but just couldn't hold true to her own wishes. She started dating someone new within a month after we broke up. She fell back into the same old pattern. It's sort of like when your friend or family member is an alchoholic. They tell you that they have a problem, and they want you to help them with it. You agree to this. They try to quit, but sooner or later they are back off the wagon again. When you confront them for what they have done, because you care about them, they get mad at you! This happened recently when I confronted by ex. I told her that she has fallen into the same pattern, and she just snapped at me- telling me that it's her life, and she has the right to see and do whatever she wants. ARGH. The only thing that makes me feel like I did something right (by confronting her) is that her best friend AGREES with me!
So why is it that several of my ex's were able to start dating somebody new within WEEKS of our relationship ending? Is it because they need to fill a void, or that they are unhappy with themselves, or that they never loved me to begin with? Or perhaps a combination of all 3? I would never want to jump from one relationship to another- I don't need all of that heartache and confusion.
i'm sure that there are a lot of reasons, whether they weren't satisfied, or they felt their partner didn't match their own level of investment in the realtaionship, or they simple don't want to be alone. but i personally believe that most people who move on so quickly to another relationship do so because they fear being alone.
if my ex starts seeing someone, i would feel extremely confident she did so because she isn't comfortable living by herself. In the last 10 years, I don't think she has spent more than 4 months single.
i can't say that this is always the case, but i would guess that most who jump right back into a relationship do so because they can't stan being alone. with her, and i think for a lot of people, there is a lack of fullfilment within one's own skin. they haven't gained security with being happy by themselves, so they try their hardest to live one constant, never-ending relationship.
Well, i can say from my own experience, that when i ended my previous relationship, i was emotionally detached months before, maybe even years, and i didn`t realize it. I started seeing my current ex a couple of weeks after i broke up.
My current ex also emotionally detached at least 1 month before she broke up. Unfortunately for her, i noticed this and bugged her. So she couldn`t get out easy (by simply cooling down the relationship and letting it fade away). She`s seeing someone else now, but she was probably seeing him while the two of us were together (i can not confirm this, but all the signs indicate that she did, in fact, cheat on me).
So some maybe jump into relationships to avoid being alone. But, as you see, some move on so quickly and easily because they just don`t love their bf/gf anymore, they like/love another one. In fact, for them, the break up is freedom to do what they really want. They feel little regret, because they`re happier with the new person.
I regretted the fact that i hurt my previous ex (by breaking up with her, i told her the truth and i didn`t play any games, nor did i cheat on her), and i felt really sad, but... I couldn`t go back. There were better things out there, both for me AND for her. I hear she just got married a couple of months ago, and i`m extremely happy for her, because i still care for her, and i really wanted for her to be truly happy (she couldn`t be truly happy with me, as my feelings for her were not there anymore). I`m expecting that my current ex will get married within the year, i guess she found in him whatever she wants from a man. Oh well... I`m not scared to be alone. I`m gonna stay single for a while, just so i can devote all my time and energy to myself.
Last edited by omegaRED; 24th November 2005 at 10:26 AM..
I remember the pain distinctly, when my first long term relationship of 3 1/2 years, incuding living together for 2 of those and travelling the world together for most of it - ended, after catching him with our flatmate, in the bathroom making out, then only 8 weeks later she had moved into our room, my bed, using my things I had bought with my boyfriend (who was my ex but still did not feel real at that point in time).
I was distraught, felt replaced and cheated of the years we spent together, I felt it was the cruelest pain, she had moved into my life after only 8 weeks.
He told me at that time he could not stand the idea of being alone, that I did not want him (he had been dishonest for about 6 mths before cheating, so of course I did not want him!) and that she did.
That was 4 years ago, they are getting married in february and I still think they deserve each other!
He moved on so soon, by his own admittance, because of his insecurity of being alone.
I am reminded of how my ex broke it off, he let me know that there was someone else, then because I was in denial (I was dumbstruck with shock..I couldn't even speak) I foolishly remained in contact with him and waited it out until he drop out of that relationship.. I got together briefly with him (had rebound sex thinking it would lead to a new us), though he had no intention of going back to what we were. He made that perfectly clear in an horrible unforgettable outburst. We haven't had any true contact in weeks. He's dropped off the planet. Probably found a new interest. I'm glad now to not know anything. When I knew for sure he was with another it was painful. So painful I blocked it out my mind and pretended it was not true.
This time around I don't know for sure, but the full knowledge of it before was god-awful. I had pictures in my mind of him with somebody else. When they move on I truly feel they have been checked out the relationship way before they finally tell us. They have a head start. The fact that we are so replaceable is a horrible feeling. I still couldn't think of simply replacing him without truly really wanting to be with another. No matter how lonely I feel.
I still am in awe of the ability to just move on so quickly. To forget the person you've been with and start anew. With no gap of time to reflect just put a new container of milk in the frig.
It's really quite simple. They confuse love with obsession. To them, you are an object and not a person with feelings, therefore you will get no respect when the relationship ends. Since you are an object in their minds, then you are easily repaced and this is why they can move on so fast. It's like throwing away an old sweater and going out and getting a new one. Easy. And it doesn't matter who dumped who because in their minds they were never in love with you in the first place. At least not in a true sense of the word love. Sure there's also issues of codependency and low self-esteem going on with them as well. It's really hard for normal people like ourselves to understand why they are like this. Don't waste too much time on it. It is what it is. It all stems from issues in their childhood, usually to the opposite sex parent. You can't change them and make them love you in the sense that you would like. Therefore you must find a healthy person that is capable of a true loving relationship. Bottom line: A person that truly loves you will work through anything and will not leave so easily.
Also I must ask why you folks know so much about what the ex is doing now? To me that only hinders your healing, especially since you know they are with someone else. Unless you work at the same place, live in a damn small town or have children together, why bother to know what they are doing? Make yourself disappear. The ex will get a power trip when they know that you know that they are seeing someone else. Why give the satisfaction? Some things in life are better left unknown.
__________________ Your body cannot heal without play, your mind cannot heal without laughter, and your soul cannot heal without joy. C.R. Fenwick
Last edited by JohnJohn; 24th November 2005 at 3:03 PM..
This is an amazing question, and I'd like to respond.
I have engaged in serial monogamy for the past 6 years. The longest stretch of time I have ever been consistently single is.... 3 mths. What can I say, I'm a popular girl! lol j/k.
Seriously though... I ended a long-term rel'ship of 4 years with M this Feb (due to his cheating). 1 month later I started dating. And exactly 3 mths to the day after the breakup in Feb, I was with someone else (who is now my current ex, R). Alot of my friends have questioned my decision to 'jump into' another rel'ship and this is my take on it.
When I broke off w M... I was still emotionally attached to him but mentally I had checked out - I did not want to be with him. I started talking & meeting other people SIMPLY to get my mind off of him, and stop the urges to call or see him (which were very strong at that point). I was NOT 'looking' to get into a rel'ship. I was not afraid of being single - BUT I was afraid of never being w M, and THATS why I started seeing other ppl - to realize that there WAS life beyond M.
Now when I met R... things kinda happened real fast. He came on strong... I was intellectually & physically attracted to him for various reasons... and I ran with it. He was my 1st real proof that I would and could feel for someone other than M. If it'd been up to R - I'm sure we would've been official long before the 3 mth mark - but I knew then that I needed time to heal. For me - 2 mths was enough.
Everyone is different. I've heard stories of people pining away for 1 year rel'ships YEARS after the initial breakup. That could not be me. My mentality is life is short, things happen for a reason & there is ALWAYS something bigger & better for me around the corner. If something doesn't work out - fine, I move onto the next thing. No point crying over spilled milk - a thousand times. What's done is done.
Maybe some of your ex's have been able to move on for the same reason - they just understand that things happen for a reason etc... Don't assume that's its ONLY because they're afraid of being single (which IS the reason for some ppl - BUT NOT ALL!)
As it stands now - I am currently single, YET again. But as opposed to my 1st breakup this year where I was in a rush to see what life would be like without my ex M - this time around, I'm taking my sweet time. I know that Mr Right (or Mr Right Now at least) is out there somewhere and I'm in no rush for him to find me. Because I know everything happens - in due time.
K.
__________________ After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, and not the grief of a child.
I am with NoFaith. I broke up with my boyfriend because he was becoming increasingly distant and disrespectful. We were living together and leaving was heartbreaking. I do love him but not his behaviour, and I knew that if I stayed, I would have stamp "Doormat" on my forehead.
It has been over two months and recovery has been tough at times. I WISH I could meet someone new, someone to get excited about, but I want to be healthy and healed before I start dating. I want to deal with my emotional issues first as I have made the mistake of bringing all that into a relationship. It is not fair to anyone in my opinion. I am learning alot about myself and how I have dealt with things in the past. The moments when I get sad and lonely are the hardest, that is when I long to be with my ex again, or some type of male companionship. I have to slap myself with reality when those feelings come up.
It was only a week or so after I left that my ex started logging into dating websites. Man...for someone who said they need time by themself to get their head straight....sure shows their sincerity. I said in an email that if he was wanting to see other people, he should have the guts to say it rather than do the whole "I need space" song and dance.
Anywho, for myself...I am loyal, gentle, kind-hearted and when I fall for someone...I FALL! People tell me to start dating around and not be so sad, easier said than done. I don't know if my ex is seeing anyone. I don't want to know, it would hurt too much. I just don't want to go there...lol.
As it stands now - I am currently single, YET again.
Not to be critical because I don't know you Kengne but have you ever thought that one of the reasons that you are single yet again today might be related to the fact that you jump into relationships before you are healed from the previous one and haven't spent enough time trying to figure out what Kengne wants out of life ??
Just something to think about..
__________________
~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
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What can I say, I'm a popular girl!
lol j/k.
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