My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 4 months. I am having the most horrible time trying to get him to communicate with me. Before we got married, he and i had a blast together, we NEVER fought or anything, now that we have been married for 4 months we do not get along, We even FIGHT about DINNER! I try to get him to talk and work things out and he always says, " I dont feel like it, we will talk tomorrow" and that never happens. I am at the end of my ropes with this and thinking of divorce. Is that a ridiculouse decision?? I mean I love him with all of my heart but he is making my life with him miserable...what should i do?
You love him, you married him, you took vows. Don't give up quite yet.
You need to tell him how you feel, that you've even considered a divorce. Solution? Marriage counselling. You two need to learn how to communicate, discuss things without getting into yelling matches or blaming eachother. (Not saying that is what is going on but something is not right.)
Is he stressed at work? Are you stressed? This could be a factor. Did you live together before getting married? Maybe the marriage and being together just needs some getting used to.
I don't know what else to say, maybe some more info would help. Like the daily dynamtic between you too. What's a typical day/ week at your house? Does he respect you, or is he rude to you? Does he do nice things for you and help out around the house? I'm just trying to understand the situation.
Anyway, as I said above, don't give up. The first year of marriage is tough so I hope you both manage to stick it out.
I agree, dont give up. And i also wonder, are you adjusting to living together for the first time?
Also, it is essential you communicate, and if he is refusing to he is possibly in denial, or not wanting to face the issues, or not sure how to handle them.
You do need to tell him how seriously unhappy you are...suggest counselling...do everything you can to communicate exactly where you are at, without blaming, but by simply being honest. Ask how he feels...if he is happy?
Marriage, and living together, takes a lot of adjustment. Hang in there. Let us know how you go.
Yes, we have been living together for the past three years, so thats why it is so confusing for me to understand the change in his attitude. He does respect me, unless i want him to talk about a problem we are having, i work full time and i manage everything about the house, laundry, dinner, breakfast, lunch,dishes,cleaning,garbage, keeping up the bedroom and organizing our bills each month; However I am a teacher and he manages a high volume factory, so when it comes to work i do have it easier than he does, when he gets home i only want him to rest and but at the same time might be taking on to much. when i ask him if he is happy he replies with yes and it really looks as if he means it. Then why does he act unhappy?? Divorce is out of the question now that i have thought about it, we are very religiouse and do not believe in divorce unless adultry is commited. I am just frustrated with his lack of communication and i do not know how to get him to listen to me and take me seriouse.
ok- it sounds like you are doing a lot. Have you tried the obvious- as in , simply saying "look i am serious, i need to discuss a few things, so can we please make a time when we can sit down and talk, because this is important to me"....or bring in a third party to help you learn to communicate, and go to a counsellor if he is open to that idea.
Perhaps there is a counsellor at your church.
If you can afford it, get a cleaning lady to come once every few weeks. Discuss this with him.
Compromise and split up some jobs he can do around the house. Does he do the yard work? Raking, sweeping etc? Fixing this and that? Also, do things together. Have fun and capture the feelings that brought you together in the first place.
Could be just daily life getting in the way and the "roommate" feeling creeps in. We've all been there and it's crappy. So, ENJOY eachother and really be honest with him. IF he doesn't want to open up and talk, then that's okay - As long as he listens to you and understands what you feel...Trust me, when he's ready to spill it, he will. Just it will be on his terms not yours. (most) men are like that.
I do a lot, but he does take care of everything outside the house, our cars, yard, and all the "manley" things. I think I may be letting stresses from outside creep into our relationship. Some of it may even be his parents, they are usually in our buisness All The Time, wanting to know this or that;dont get me wrong i think its ok for them to want to know how things are going, but they go a little to far. for ex, his mother wanted us to show her our pay stubs everytime we got them to make sure we could afford all of the things we have, she also wanted us to show her all of our bills, now i think that just might be a huge reason for the stress, trying to please everyone gets old.
I agree that communication is key in a marriage, but good communication is not necessarily communication upon demand. I read your statement that he puts you off and never comes back to it, so I see your point. My husband and I had an issue with this when we first got married. I am VERY vocal and confrontational. When I have a beef with my husband, I want to air it immediately and I want to come to some kind of resolution right then. I have a hard time concentrating on anything else when things aren't right with us (in my mind). My husband feels taken aback when I confront him with a complaint. When I used to bring something up to my husband (even though I didn't think it was in an attacking manner), I felt blown off. He did not respond to my complaint, he acted annoyed that I had bothered him with my problem, etc. After some marriage counseling I learned that, though I can't see it on the surface, he feels that he's let me down, that he's being attacked, that he is inept at having a verbal confrontation with me. So now I use the following techniques:
1. I hold my tongue for 24 hours when I get upset about something. One of the things that made my husband uncomfortable is the level of emotion behind my complaints. If I wait until I'm not super hurt, or super mad, or super aggitated by something he's said or done - I can logically and calmly let him know why something he said/did bothered me. I get a lot better response this way.
2. When I tell him, calmly, that he's done something that bothers me - I don't expect him to respond right then. I tell him that X bothered me and I want to talk about it when he's ready. Then I ask him to set aside a time to talk about it with me and we put a time limit on how long we're going to discuss it. So he might say, "we can talk about it tomorrow." I'll say, "O.k., is 6:00 when I get home from work, o.k.?" "Yeah, that's fine." And I say, "Let's not spend more than 20 minutes talking about it." That way my husband is not taken off-guard and expected to defend himself or apologize without time to think about my complaint, and he knows that the discussion will be brief and focused. He responds well to that.
One other thing about your post that caught my attention. You said "he is making my life with him miserable." This gives me a little insight into you. I would have said something like this in my first year of marriage. The thing is, that ...even in marriage... you are responsible for your own happiness. If you are miserable because you're fighting over dinner, that's YOUR responsibility, not his. Your happiness should not rise and fall on whether he agrees with you about dinner. You may have some expectations about what it means when "two become one" that are a little unreasonable. I can totally relate but, I have to tell you, there has to be some recognition that he may not agree with you about how to keep the house, what to do for dinner, etc. and ...bottom line... you can't make him come around to your way of seeing things, EVEN if he's your husband. You can't change him, you can only change you. Work on that and he may very well get the space he needs to grow as a husband - his OWN way.
My thoughts. They may be way off base and they are, ADMITTEDLY, a reflection of my experience in my marriage. I can so relate to you - I just want to offer you the advice that's been helpful to me.
Wow blast from the past. I was with my ex for 6 years before we got married. 4 months later we were in counciling and at the 6 months we filed for divorce. The divorce was final with in a year of us being married.
There are many things at work here going on your relationship and to best understand them it is key that you get to a councelor ASAP. Sounds like the two of you need a midator to help you communicate and understand where the other person is. It doesn't matter how much time together there was before the marriage because it can all go to hell in hand basket very quickly as you are finding out unless you do something to stop it. Hang in there but get you and your hubby to a councelor ASAP.
.... for ex, his mother wanted us to show her our pay stubs everytime we got them to make sure we could afford all of the things we have, she also wanted us to show her all of our bills, now i think that just might be a huge reason for the stress, trying to please everyone gets old.
This is insane, not a just little too far! His mother has no right to see your financials whatsoever!
Hmmmm... I think you guys are under a lot of stress, he probably doesn't even see how he's acting. You need to concentrate on the two of you, not his parents... no one else!! Maybe you two could take a weekend away somewhere, stay in a nice hotel and have a good talk about how you're feeling. Maybe there's another reason he's acting the way he is and he hasn't told you?
In an attempt to save a sinking ship. It is a noble gesture, but after the wedding, there is a letdown. Why? Because there is no change in the relationship for the better.
Then it becomes glaringly clear that the relationship is a bust.
Mind you, this is not everyone who lives together before marriage. But for some.
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divorce after 4 months??
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