[dontwanttoloosehim]

Hello All,

As soon as my husband of 2 and a half years told me he needed space. I searched everywhere for help and here I am. I would like to begin by giving some backgournd info as to how we met and what led to this.

I was born in Milwaukee Wisconsin stayed there with my family who are from the middle east up until highschool. I went to highschool in the middle east and thats where I met my husband. Our highschool realtionship was great but-- My parents refused to let me have a boyfriend or let alone speak to a guy. I grew up in a veryyyy conservative family. Yet still my husband and I dated against all odds and remained very much in love. I could go on about my story in highschool forever. The running away to see him and telling my mom I am at the movies and all that jazz.... Even sneaking him into my home to be with him it was that crazy. So to make the long story short he is a year older than me so when I was in the 11th grade he was graduating and getting ready for college. I was so scared I would loose him forever so we decided on him applying to Massachusetts and I would go there to college the following year. LUCKILY, he got accepted and went of to Boston for college. While is stayed in the Middle East to complete my last year of highschool and try to convince my parents that I wanted to go to Boston for college. Them not knowing that he was in Boston.
Right before he went to college my mother happned to walk in to my room when he was "visiting". I snuck him up that night to say bye to him before he left. He was the love of my life and still is. This story is going to get messier so just bear with me. So my mom gets angry that he was in my room and oh my god the drama she was calling his family and being rude etc etc So he ended up leaving to college while him and I were on bad terms.
WE DID NOT SPEAK THAT WHOLE YEAR--- i dont know how i survived but i studied hard and stayed home and kissed my parents ass so that they would send me to boston for college i got accepted --- the kissing ass helped so off to boston I go-- again they do not know he studys in Boston as well.
I new i wanted to be with him so badly i missed everthing about him and the year made my heart grow fonder and i was severly depressed.
So out comes the Sun ( or so I thought)-- So i e-amiled him once i reached boston. we were hestitant to get back together because we knew my parents would never approve escpcially because of what happned . But-- god somehow brought us back together.
So , we started dating on and off ( scared to get attached) because he thought once i graduated that my parents will drag me right back home. He feel more in love with me as he got to know me and finally decided to marry me.
I am a U.S. citizen and he is from Morocco. So when he graduated college he was able to stay in the country because i was sponsoring him through the green card process. He got a great job , I had to drop out of college because of finicail reasons and I started working full time and being a full time wife too.
I got depressed because of my school issue all of sudden having to work many hours having to cook clean etc.. i got burnt out and tiredddddd so my personality kind of changed i was aggressive rude and not the loving person he married.
I did not realize i was pushing him away all that until he said " I DO NOT LOVE YOU" I need space, leave me alone etc............

Here is where my problem begins:
He says he needs space to think
he says it would be better off if I leave
he is not supporting me
i am still being sweet to him and tryign to be a normal wife cooking cleaning etc
he is at work al the time and i asked if there is someone else and he says there will be because I do not love you.
I consostantly talk to him about could we try and etc etc etc etc its been 4 mothns of me trying to change his mind.. nothing
he said he wil thinkl about it when i give him his space . we live in the same aprtment i have nowhere to go and my parenst r not there to support me if I were with him. I am in Boston a dn my whole extended family is int he middle east. none of them willing to help and support.
he says if i leave him alone and give him his space we will try
but then the next day he would say leave i dont love you you choose to be here and take my bull****. MIXEDDDD MESSAGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do nottttttttt want to loooooooseeee him. he is the love of my life. This emotional abuse is killing me....
What should I do?!?!?!

[scobro]

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you?.It sounds like he is telling you straight up what the deal is.I would walk away, it will be real hard but it doesn't seem like a healthy sistuation for you emotionally.If you can make arrangements to leave I would try and do that.I am surprised your family is not supportive of you.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

He told me that If I give him space he will think about the situation.
But i proceed to ask adn ask and beg and ask and ask... so that pisses him off more. So i am backing off..
i really dont want to loose him

[Ladyjane14]

Call me jaded, but it sounds like he might be interested in someone else.

More often than not, a request for "space" goes hand in hand with the desire to explore another relationship. It's a matter of getting oneself into a position in which activities are not as closely monitored. And if they get caught 'with their hand in the cookie jar'....they can always say they were "separated", hence NOT GUILTY.

You haven't been married for very long, so your investment in terms of TIME is limited. You have no children together. Why not dump his sorry behind, sever your legal connection with him....and allow him to be deported back to Morrocco?

(That didn't sound too vindictive, did it? )

[RecordProducer]

He says he will think about it just so you can give him space. He is basically trying to get rid of you. It's possible that he is interested in someone in particular, but he definitely interested in dating other women since he no longer loves you.

Why don't you want to lose someone who you have already lost? What's so precious about a person who doesn't love you?

So when he graduated college he was able to stay in the country because i was sponsoring him through the green card process. He got a great job , I had to drop out of college because of finicail reasons and I started working full time and being a full time wife too.

When exactly did he get his visa? Half a year ago or so? What will his status in the US be if you get divorced now?

[stillwanthimback]

It's possible that he is interested in someone in particular, but he definitely interested in dating other women since he no longer loves you.

************************************************** ********
I am totally agree this, same as my husband...he find somebody and opened his mouth want me leave...

[dontwanttoloosehim]

He says we will try to get things back to normal he gave us a deadline until May 2006. He is trying to be nice we were staying i separte rooms now he has allowed me to stay in the same bed. Is it possible that if I give him his space and treat him right that he will give it a second chance?

[dontwanttoloosehim]

He will get a visa through his work-- but he says its a hassle to do it seeing we r pending for his green crd through marriage

[dontwanttoloosehim]

He said that he was willing to try and theier is a slight chnage in his personality.he says if I quit the drama it will all be okay.
help anyone?

[ycagwyw]

Originally Posted by dontwanttoloosehim

He says we will try to get things back to normal he gave us a deadline until May 2006. He is trying to be nice we were staying i separte rooms now he has allowed me to stay in the same bed. Is it possible that if I give him his space and treat him right that he will give it a second chance?

He allows you to stay with him? What is going on here? Do you have any power in this relationship? I can tell you this - no matter how much you love this guy, if you lose all your dignity, he will not respect you at all and this relationship is doomed. No one wants someone they can push around, not for the long term.

So, if you in fact are sure this guy is what you really want, then put your foot down. Just simply say - I am your wife, and I expect to be treated like it. If he needs space, give it to him, but tell him what your limit is and stick to it. In the meantime, get into your own interests and REALLY give him the space. Don't be mean or rude, but let him see what life would be like without you and your support. Let him come to YOU and say he is ready to re-engage, or else dump him once your limit has expired. I know these things are painful, but MORE painful is waking up 10 years later and realizing your husband does not love you! Remember the old saying - if you love something set it free. If he doesn't come back, then you never really had him to begin with!

[RecordProducer]

Originally Posted by dontwanttoloosehim

we r pending for his green crd through marriage

Interesting!

[ycagwyw]

RecordProducer - I picked up on that one too, but was trying to be psoitive since we don't know if the green card is his motivation and she is too blinded to see it either!

[dontwanttoloosehim]

About his green card- I thought of that but—he can get it through is work anyways and through a student visa seeing he’s applying for his masters. Do you think moving out would be the best space??
He does not mind me staying just as far as I do not bother him too much
So that he could think
He says if I loose the drama everything will be ok

[Trimmer]

Well, then, I'll spell it out.

Originally Posted by dontwanttoloosehim

we r pending for his green crd through marriage....
He says we will try to get things back to normal he gave us a deadline until May 2006.

Tell us, when is the green card based on the marriage expected to come through, and what happens if you divorce before then? It sounds a lot like he is stalling. Do you think there might be any connection between the green card issue and this "deadline" within your marriage? And is it possible that he can't actually get it through work, and so he needs the marriage more than he's letting on? Indeed, in a lot of cases, "more space" means "I'm stalling for time to focus on an OM/OW outside the marriage" - maybe in this case, his "mistress" is the green card.

I think you may have more power available to you in this relationship than you think you do, but you don't know it.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

It has been pending for 2 years now , he could definitely get it through work/school but I feel he thinks it’s a hassle to withdraw the papers and reapply. He once mentioned while we were arguing that he was going to divorce me as soon as he gets the green card 
But I feel as though hes really trying to keep me. My situation with my parents and how they feel about him really puts him down.
I Asked him if we were still in the Space phase or are we on the trying it out phase. And he says you tell me and I said I think we are on the trying it put phase then he goes like ok. So its getting a little better I think—but I get a lot of mixed messages. He refuses ot hug me/kiss me saying he will when he feels its. But he allows me to hug/kiss him…
Ia m so confusedddd