I really have come to the conclusion that unconditional love is the best chance we have of getting a second chance with our exs. It is no guarantee but it stacks the deck in our favor. Allow me to quote from the new living translation bible what real love is:
(1st Corinthians 13:1-7)
"If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. v.2 If I had the gift of prophecy and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. v.3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.
v.4 Love is patient and kind. Love is NOT jealous or boastful or proud or rude. v.5 Love does NOT demand its own way. Love is NOT irritable, and it keeps NO record of when it has been wronged. v.6 It is NEVER glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. v.7 Love NEVER gives up, NEVER loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.
(1st John 4:16-19)
"God is love and all who live in love live in God and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgement, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world.
Such love has no fear because perfect love casts away all fear. If we are afraid it is for fear of judgement and this shows that His love has not been perfected in us. We love each other as a result of His loving us first."
Of course loving others as God has loved us is hard to put into practice but with God's help we can. If we strive to improve in the love department daily we will always come out as winners in the end regardless of the tangible results of reconciling with the ex or not. The love of God is such that He does not force us to love Him either. Oh He will woo us but the choice to love Him back is ours. Just as He loves us enough to leave us alone if we don't want a relationship with Him we must also love our exs enough to set them free. If it's meant to be they will come back. If they don't then at least we know we did what we could to love them and it will be their loss if they reject it.
Not being religious in the slightest I prefer to base ideas on psychology.
But whatever helps you is good.
Personally I think the traditional steps of "getting an ex back" are the best ones. That is, you have to look at why you broke up and fix it first.
Also if you became all clingy and depressed after break-up you need to sort that out by having a period of NC to get your head and life together. Yeah someone who loved you unconditionally would support you, but most people don't.
If you want your ex back, move on. play the old game. Let them see how great you are doing, that your life is awesome and they're missing out on being part of it.
Remember the attitude "my life is great, Id love you to be part of it, but if you chose not to be, that's just fine".
Jealousy can work a bit too, if they see you out having fun without them etc. they suddenly become all "oh why isn't he depressed" and "who is he going out with?".
Have some mystery about you, intrigue them, let them see you've changed. You are not a different person, but a much improved version of the person you were before.
You're happy, enthusiastic, fun to be around. and as they already know you emotionally and know how loving you can be, that's in your favor.
Damn if I was your ex and you acted like this I'd have a hard time not having my feelings come back.
All you gotta do is live your life, don't put pressure on them, then its easier for them to come back should they wish to. If your acting suicidal if they don't come back to you, then it's too much pressure for one person to have, they become scared of you, and don't want to hurt you more. If you leave the door open but get on with your life, then its cool.
Time should become valuable again, if you hook up for a couple of meetings make sure they are planned a few days in advance so your ex anticipates it, chances are they'll make an effort (good clothes etc.) it is just like dating again, use the same principles you did in the beginning.
Last edited by chocolate_boy; 29th October 2005 at 9:19 AM..
Great post! Both of you are coming from completely different spectrums and workable.
I was dumped 2 months ago and extremely hurt. I found this site and followed the advise of NC which has benefitted me...not the relationship.
What also has helped me more than anything is taking time to read more about God's plan for me in the book The Purpose Driven Life and praying!!
We don't know why God places in circumstances and what reasons He has for us, but I trust God and He will guide me through anything. I don't have the answers of why my ex dumped me without any warning, but as time has moved on, I have put many pieces together and my guess is there is someone else in her life and she had too much guilt to stay with me. I am angry, hurt and upset, but I told her from the beginning I will always love her no matter what! Will we ever get back together....doubt it...but God has always left the door open for me because His love is unconditional so I will always leave the door open for the one I loved more than life itself!
I had unconditional love for my wife and she knew I'd love and forgive her for anything, she left me anyways! I have now told her I hate her, and I said it here, but honestly, I still love her. But I need some time away from her to figure out my life. Unconditional love means nothing, except, you love someone no matter what. That won't make them come back, that won't make them love you unconditionally, it will only cause you heart ache. Trust me, I know, I love my wife unconditionally, if I didn't it wouldn't kill me so bad when I see her with her new man!
I hope everyone gets what they want, but love isn't enough. Chocolate_boy's concept is much better. Cause in the long run, even if you don't get your ex, you still have made YOUR life better.
It may help you cope with your pain, but it won't bring them back to you.
Desire is what brings them back (if you're lucky).
I hope you aren't misinterpretting what I am saying.
Do I love her? Yes I still love her, but I have to move on without wasting all my time and energy wondering if a 2nd chance is worth it!
Would I take her back after finding out she was cheating? doubt it....she'd have to go to the ends of the earth to prove herself...and then I would just think about it!
The benefit I have is God! I put my trust in Him and He won't let me down!
I would like to add that I do not believe that love is a feeling. So if one or both partners are basing the relationship on "feelings for each other" then certainly it's not going to work. So yes love is not enough if you believe it's all about feelings. The thing is feelings come and go and I've learned not to trust my feelings. To be honest my feelings for my ex were not as strong when we were dating as they are now but I still loved her. I guess it's in my nature to miss and long for something when it is gone but that's beside the point. I believe love is sacrifical just like the Lord Jesus Christ Himself sacrificed His life on that cross to pay for the sins of the whole world. Jesus was spat upon and mocked but He prayed "father forgive them for they don't know what they are doing". People in his day saw him as boring a doormat because He didn't try to defend himself but being God Himself in human form He knew love was the only way to draw people unto Himself. Now some of the soliders who persecuted him actually repented later and got on their knees. Certainly Jesus thought loving unconditionally was worth the risk of getting hurt. It certainly grieves His heart when anyone rejects His love but He lets them go. His door is always open for them if they repent later on.
For those of you who believe in God, let me tell you He still performs miracles today. It is amazing grace that changes the hearts of people. Now what if the ex doesn't come back? Well then it is their loss. It wasn't meant to be. God may send someone else more compatible with you in your life tomorrow or next month next year. Why were they there to begin with if they reject your love? Love them enough to let them go then. Sometimes we pick the wrong people to date. Also as I said earlier love does not demand its own way. We cannot demand that our exs come back if we love them.
Many disagree with my point of view. I don't know what anyone's religious background is either. But you know what? I love you all in Christ Jesus anyway and respect every single person's opinion on this thread. I just pray that what I've said might help at least 1 soul out there who is hurting. Grace & peace in the name of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.
The bible quotes though wonderful are being misused or misunderstood. They are referring to love as in love of all mankind, you have to truely love your nieghbor, the homeless guy in the street, the stinky wino at the drugstore begging for change, your best friend, the person who wronged you in high school, the ex-coworker who got you fired, your lover, your family, and people that you have never met, including politicians and lawyers. Love is not something that God wants us to limit to one person, we are supposed to love everyone truely love everyone, and then we will reap the rewards of heaven. It is not enough to simply help, to simply tolerate one another, we must truely feel for one another and help one another.
As far as your ex goes, do you really want someone that looked dead off into your eyes (after a week of avoiding you and acting distant), knowing how truely wonderful you are, knowing all the good qualities you have, and telling you that inspite of all that you are not what they want, good bye. If they do come back it's because they are lonely and haven't found the bbd yet, and if they do it'll be so long Charlie thanks for being my crutch, you can keep my cd's and old tee as a consolation prize and listen to them at night while holding the old tee and cry. I won't be I'll be having hot sex with my fantasy lover that I ditched you for. Forget about the looser who isn't even that hot naked anyway. the mole on his back/butt/where ever needs to be removed, and maybe her boobs sag and her feet stink after wearing closed toe heels all day. No one is perfect, neither are these exs, otherwise they wouldn't be exs they would be spouses.
Originally posted by kinziepooh:
They are referring to love as in love of all mankind, you have to truely love your nieghbor....the stinky wino at the drugstore begging for change....
I just about choked on my drink when I read this. Truly a great example
and to grace..
If Unconditional love was reciprocated, she wouldnt have you out searching for answers in other places...
At this point, what youre going to get out of giving her whatever she decides is tasteful at the moment will only make her greedier and less thankful for what she is receiving. Ever heard that people respect the things they have to work for? That is not to say she doesnt deserve to be loved - but if she WANTED to be loved by you in the way you are suggesting, I am sorry but she wouldnt be an ex.
I am glad you found something that makes you feel stronger. Hold on to that, it's exactly what you need. However, using the bible as a tool for the answers to your relationship probably won't do anything beyond making your head spin
__________________
Love makes you do crazy things...insane things. Things you never thought in a million years you would see youself do. - Wicker Park
Good judgement comes from experience and experience, well...that comes from bad judgement
Last edited by J dub; 31st October 2005 at 3:07 AM..
Unconditional love only works if it is on both ends. Otherwise, forget about it. You can hope, pray, wish and want, but you will waste your time.
I've made mistakes in my relationship. However, I would like my ex to see that I'm making improvements in myself. However, I've attempted to let him know that I am trying to make steps in improving myself, yet, he refuses to acknowledge that. The bottom line is that you cant force people to love you. You can only accept the decisions they made about the relationship and move forward.
I wouldn't put too much faith into that, otherwise you may end up bitter towards your religion if your expectations aren't met.
"God helps those who help themselves."
I put all my faith in God! He has guided me through tough times, but not to have a second chance at a relationship. I agree 100% with what unconditional love means with mankind. However, I found that Jesus unconditionally loves me for me. I still love me ex and I will always love her even though she hurt me badly, but it doesn't mean I will take her back.
I also found that there are certain people on this site that have given me excellent advise and I have followed it...not for a second chance, but for me to move on and heal myself!
Hi All;
Well, that is one of the problems or should I say my problems with my breakup, she committed the adulterey before she told me she was leaving, I knew it was happening, there just didn't seem to be anyway to stop it. I would be angry for awhile, but I just can't stay mad at her, I never could. After 23 years of what I thought was a happy marriage, this happened. So, no heed the advice, unconditional love is for childern and dogs, as far as she is concerned, she is angry and distant to me, but hell, it should be the other way around. Take care of yourself, no one else is going to, I agree with the rest, carry on with your life and become a little scarce in hers. Its a selfish thing that they do when that happens, and I don't know if mine will ever realize it, if she does it will be to late, I can't stand being alone all the time.
One thing I do know, she will never find anyone else who will love her as much as I do.
Good luck
I believe that unconditional love, is in fact the answer. When you truly love someone, it should be forever, and you should take it upon yourself to look past hateful things they say to you, accept that they are not perfect creatures, and forgive. This takes time, but we are all capable of forgiving even the greatest wrongs done to us.
In any event, it doesn't mean you'll get your ex back, and often means in accepting their flaws, and accepting the mistakes you made as well, you will have a better understanding of what went wrong and why. Then you will probably see a clearer path in moving on, at least moreso than giving in to hating them, where you basically trick yourself into believing you're over it.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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