Alright.. so here is goes my whole life put into a couple of paragraphs. I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw Mr. Wonderful. We were in high school and I was one of those quiet, painfully shy people. I said absolutely nothing to this guy.. I just kinda followed him around at school. Finally a dear-friend got me to talk to him and we hit it off. We soon became best friends and were pretty much inseperable.. I could tell him anything and he could tell me anything. Anyway.. times went on and I ended up losing my virginity to this guy.. He told me he loved he, he promised me forever.. I was acutally on the rebound and was pretty much just in it to feel physically and emotionally wanted. I got well and we continued sleeping together. I knew though that he was sleeping with this other chick as well.. She ended up being some kinda-whore.. who was sleeping with a ton of other people so she ended up breaking it off.. and he was okay with that. We became a couple and dated for close to two years. He did all the romantic stuff.. Picnics in the park, flowers, poems.. everything. He told me he loved me forever and could picture us being together in the future.. he could see us having a family and what not a little ways down the line. Anyway.. on our ""offical"" one year anniversary I had to leave town.. my family decided to take one of their really rare trips to a place that we had been dreaming of going. He said he was okay with that and what not and that we'd celebrate our day when I got back.. and so I left. Low and behold I return a week later and he's not the same person. He said that he had, had reservations at a really nice restaurant for six months and that he had, had the whole week planned out for us to have a little get away. He said I crushed him when I left and cried and was all around miserable.. He ended up spending a ton of time with his friends.. and whole lot and they are all those jerks that no girl ever wants to end up with.. A month of him not really calling or want to hang out went by and I had an emotional break down/series of anxiety attacks and broke it off. Within the next hour I was driving to where he was to appologize, yet he wouldn't have anything to do with me. He didn't have anything to do with me for about a week. Finally we talked and he told me he still loved me and that I was his "one and only". I thought this meant we were back together.. I was wrong.. very wrong... We continued sleeping together and he continued telling me that he still loved me with all his heart, yet he stopped calling and started ignoring my phone calls.. I was lucky to see him once a week. I finally got him to talk about what he was feeling and he said he needed to find himself and that he really didn't want a girlfriend right now.. or anytime in the next year. At the same time though we were still sleeping together and he's still sitting there telling me i'm wonderful and that he can't live without me. I'm confused and demand that we "get back together", meaning the commitment. I'm not a high dollar chick.. I'd take walking through a park, or sitting under the stars over an expensive dinner any day.. yet he said that a relationship was too much stress and too much money and that he just wanted to be himself. I told him good-bye.. and said I couldn't handle it. Two days later we were back together.. a week later I said good-bye again and he said fine and walked away without flinching. Again I ran back to him sobbing.. he finally said if I say good-bye one more time he was really gone.. He was okay with the way things were for about two weeks.. but I was dying inside. No phone calls.. no seeing him.. just.. hanging on to when he felt it was good for him to see me. So again.. I said good-bye and meant it.. I thought for sure he would be on my doorstep in an hour saying that he really loved me and couldn't live without me. Like he promised so long ago.. I was wrong.. he didn't come.. he didn't call.. so the next day I went running to him demanding anwsers, yet.. he said he really meant goodbye.. that he really didn't want to see me anymore. That I said good-bye for the final time. Then he said he still loved me and needed me in his life, but didn't want me in it right now. I dont understand. I dont get it. He says he loved me, yet he doesn't want to see me.. he doesn't want me around and when we're together.. we have an amazing time.. and talk like best friends. This my "one and only" this is the man I want to be with forever, yet he doesn't know what he wants.. Finally, after I refused to move from in frong of his car door he said that we would talk in a couple of days.. that we'd talk it over when I wasn't so emotional.. and decide what to do from there. How long is a couple of days?? And if a guy is saying all this stuff and telling you he still loves you and wants you in his life but "needs time" what does he mean? I've been pretty miserable lately.. not eating.. just kind of crying and sleeping.. it's only been two days since he said a couple of days.. and still no phone call or plans to see me. I dont understand.. Should I seek therapy. Does he really love me? Does he want me? or is he just tugging at my heart strings to see how bad he can really hurt me?
First you will survive.
Now on to the second part of my reply. After reading your situation, I have to say your guy doesn't come off as a jerk and that very important. Why? Because he seems to want to just go at it alone. No breakup is going to be perfect and without pain, but he did try to cool it off with you. The problem came in your not accepting it. Hey, you are not alone. None of us accepts it well when the person we love wants to move on without. Ok, now it's time for you to take charge of yourself and walk away. You can't force him to make him want to be with you. Yes, it doesn't feel good that you still slept with him and still it did not mean commitment, but sex is not a bargaining chip with anyone nowadays you know that. You on the otherhand can't afford in your vulnerable position to have sex with him in the near future if you see each other again. GIVE HIM TIME. At least he still wants to talk. BUT if you want to spare yourself anymore pain. STOP any attempts to call him or talk to him. Yes you will hurt cry even crawl in a fetal position BUT do that away from him. You have to go through it...you have to let yourself feel this heartache in order to get through it. And if you two talk, let him initaiate it. until then nothing you will do in terms of contacting him will serve any purpose for you. In fact, it will driive a bigger wedge between you. GIVE HIM ROOM TO BREATHE. In the meanwhile, you must focus on yourself. You won't be able to stop thinking about him, but you can do other things while you think about him..be it focus on school any activity or merely hanging out and watching a movie with a friend. This is your job. Everyday report back here something you done for yourself. Everyday for a week. I'll keep checking and looking out for your progress.
I'm trying to do what you said.. it's really hard though. He IMed me last night.. and said he wasn't sure if he loved me in the same way anymore.. He said he wasn't sure if he loved me like a friend or as more then a friend. I asked him if he could picture life without me in it and he said no.. but.. he also said that me being in his life didn't mean me being married to him. This was a devostating blow to my already tender state. I mean.. it hurts to hear that maybe he's not "in love" with me anymore.. I know he loves me and cares for me, but he also cares for his friends.. He also wanted me to promise him that if the opportunity rises for me to get on with my life that I should take it. I couldn't promise him that.. I couldn't promise that I would just get on with it like everything was fine. Why would he ask me that? Why would he ask me to promise him I would just move on? For now I'm leaving him alone.. gonna let him figure things out.. he'd supposed to call me when he feels a couple of days have gone by so we can talk in person. I just.. I'm so sad.. I've been trying to get out there. Like today, I went with my mom and had some lunch and talked about all this crap.. and this evening I'm supposed to have dinner with a friend. I'm just not feeling better.. at all.. I'm really miserable.. I just keep thinking of all the great times we had and how we were perfect together for so long.. how can a person just forget about all of that stuff? How can you simply pick yourself up and move on with life when you just lost the purpose for your existence?
I'm really sorry about all this but In Sync is absolutely right. You will survive - we promise. It sounds like he's being relatively decent about this whole situation, which is more than most women will say about their exes. He's a teen with raging hormones so it will be almost impossible for him to turn down your physical advances. The problem arises afterwards, when he realizes that you're not what he wants emotionally right now.
well, you can either see things bleakly.. but I think your situation is so much better than you can see right now. He has not shut the door on you say wants you out of his life. He did not dump you by going off with another girl. What he wants is to have his freedom and you can learn to accept it gracefully or you can not and cause endless days and nights of suffering for yourself.
Of course you love him, but and forgive me but I am not being patronizing you both sound rather young. You both have an entire future ahead of you. There are so many choices ahead of you. Yes you love him, but a year or two from now...even three months from now you may chage and he may not be "The One" you thought you would marry.
Unfortunately people in life do fall out of love. The heart breaks but its amazingly strong and can heal itself. Continue to do things even those you don't feel enthusiastic. Just keep yourself busy doing things.
Do NOT contact this guy any longer. You will not change his mind. And you will eventually trun him off by becoming clingly and appear desparate. DON'T give him an excuse to completely shut the door. I warn you he will cease being patient with you. He wants his freedom let him go. Love is not POSSESSIVENSS. Let us know what is happening.
Last edited by In Sync; 18th October 2005 at 4:36 PM..
I wish I had seen your post before hand, In Sync.. I just called him and asked if he really meant he wanted to see me in a few days.. He said no. He said he doesn't want to see me for awhile.. He said me blocking his car door was a little creepy.. I was just trying to get him to talk to me when I did that the other night.. But still he said he doesn't want to see me for awhile. I asked him if awhile meant ever again. He said no.. he said just not anytime soon.. So then I asked if we could set a date and he said okay.. We're not going to see or talk to each other for a month. Now I have to be the strong one here, because he made it clear that he can live without me in his life.. which is killing me. I have to be able to cope with the person I am for a month. I just cant help but think that a month will come and go and he wont contact me on the date we set.. I think he's just going to let me go and not even think about all the things we went through.. I'm really a mess.. He's just not really into me anymore.. He wants to hang out with jerk-men and get drunk with girls who are known to have bad reputations. I dont understand it. I did everything he ever wanted me to.. I think maybe I was just too available.
I wish you had read my e-mail and now maybe you will read it again and again.
You are experiencing heartbreak, and we have all been there. In your mind you think if I can just convince him he'll change him mind. NO HE WON'T. Believe it or not, when he sees you and hears from you he sees OBSESSIVE CLINGY DESPARATION. A guy does not find that attractive. IT IS A TURN OFF!
No one wants a desperate crying clingy girl. So if you want this guy LEAVE HIM ALONE. You are losing control of yourself and being a drag to him. Write posts after post. Write in a journal..BUT STOP calling him.
Because now all the good memories he did have of you are slowly being replaced by an out of control stalker. No you are not a true stalker, but if he feel weirded out by your behavior he will lose trust in you and want to get away as much as possible. Right now he's being rather understanding. and I don't fault him or see his decision as anything but reasonable. Keep occupying your mind on other things. Obsess over yourself. Become vain if you must. Build a new world where you are the center of attention. That will draw him to you, and if not him another may be drawn to you.
Alright.. I'm leaving him alone.. I dont plan on calling him. If I can survive this week then I should be able to survive the next few.. I'm not feeling very excited about anything anymore. I'm highly doubtful that he'll stick to our plans in a month.. If he doesn't call on the date we set, should I be the one to initiate contact.. or does that just mean he really doesn't want to see me if he doesn't call or say something about our plans? I really dont understand this.. I dont get how he can say he loves me yet just let me go. I dont understand that at all.. And, yes, In Sync you are absolutely right that is the thought that keeps going through my mind.. if I can just make his see what he's losing maybe he'll hold me closer.. But again you're right it's not working. I'm going to try really hard not to contact him.. I'm going to try to just.. pretend like he died or something until a month has passed.. The bad thing is we share friends, not the jerks, but the ones he close to the good friends.. and they dont want me to go away, yet equally they tell him everything I say or do and in turn they relay everything he says to me.. Which kills me, because I dont want to know what he's doing while he drunk.. Luckily he hasn't wound up in some random persons bed.. I'm forgiving, but I was having issues with the fact that I wasn't his first, and that he was mine. If he were to wind up with someone else I would take it as I was not satisfying to him and that he just wanted to get away from me so he could screw around with other people.. I guess this is where trust comes into play. The one thing he kept saying was if it's meant to be, then it'll work out. Yet at the some time most people who say that dont put forth any effort to make it work, which I have a feeling is how this will be. I dont know how to move on.. I dont want to move on..
That sums it all up. Trust me..that's the vibe he is reading from you and from his side, you are NOT IN ANYWAY IMAGINABLE APPEALING. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I am trying to help you.
You must start thinking of yourself like JLo thinks of herself, Paris Hilton thinks of herself, Jennifer Anisto thinks of herself. Sienna Miller...I hope you read about celebrities, because my point is..they too have had men in their lives that wanted to move on. Of course they are hurting and crying and feel the same thing you go through..butat the end of the day THEY ARE ALL ABOUT PUTTING THEMSELVES FIRST.
Are you doing anything to flatter yourself? WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO? And if your answer is only think about him, you are a repellant to this guy. NO GUY LIKES A CLINGY GIRL WHO IS DEPENDANT ON THAT GUY. It's too much pressure. Imagine someone hanging around your ankles saying I love you I love you. Get my picture. It's unattractive. If you have shared friends, then see them separately. But when you see them...make sur you look positive and good. Because your friends will eventually tell them how you are dealing..which is better for him to hear..that you're crying over a beer or you're looking better than ever. Being independant and confident and doing your own thing is like a magnet to people because they want to know...what's she got going on? How come she aint fallingapart over him?
Cry on this website but pull yourself together and start focusing on you.
By the way "not wanting to move on?" Even if that's true...how does that game plan help you in getting him back into your life?
I dont get how he can say he loves me yet just let me go. I dont understand that at all.. And, yes, In Sync you are absolutely right if I can just make his see what he's losing maybe he'll hold me closer.. But again you're right it's not working. I'm going to try really hard not to contact him.. I'm going to try to just.. pretend like he died or something .. The one thing he kept saying was if it's meant to be, then it'll work out. Yet at the some time most people who say that dont put forth any effort to make it work, which I have a feeling is how this will be. I dont know how to move on.. I dont want to move on..
I know how your feeling MetelAngel...and in a way I almost dont want to reply to this post because I am in a very similar situation..
I know how it feels to be alone and lose the one person that was always there and it was so perfect.
I know what you mean by trying to make him realize what he's losing by trying to convince him of it all..
I know how it feels when YOU DONT WANT TO MOVE ON...
...and I believe that we all create our own faits...(sp?)...I believe you have to fight for what you want in your life...and belive me I'VE FOUGHT!...but after a while it gets really exhausting..
I do believe things can get better though...
I myself would love for someone like In Sync to help me through my issues with my love.
I wish I would have read this post sooner, because I fear it is much too late...i have already shown my weak, clingy, desperate side...but now..i know i must stop..if you love him, let him go..if he loves you..he'll come back. ...but he's already come back twice...what if it just wont happen this time!? it is very scarey..
I love someone and he loves me...he just doesn't want to be with me right now..and it does hurt. it hurts so so much...
But then after a while, after I stop and breathe for a moment..I realize that I dont want someone who can give up on me so easily and just want me to go away...I'd want someone to feel for me how I feel for this boy. It's just scarey because....we were so perfect together and NOW he's not even sure if he wants me in his life. it's a terrible thing to feel..and hear from the person you love the most in this world.
just know your not alone on this one. ..it's nice to know that im not..and it's wonderful to have people like In Sync around...so clear and fresh.
The reason I can offer this insight is because I have been through my own personal hell in wanting someone who doesn't want me..but I was not fortunate enough to have found LoveShack in the midst of my early stages of having been dumped (and no you guys have not been dumped so please don't take offense) It is a horrible experience to go through the agony of separating from someone you identified with especially in your heart. I've been through surgery, injuries, broken toes...but this pain is more deep than physical. And really when I read your pain and others I am deeply touched. And in this world if someone can just say 'I understand' that is something the human soul needs to hear to help in healing and addition to the hard facts of what you should avoid doing so as not to inflict more suffering upon yourself.
When you attach yourself to another you risk getting hurt because there is no guarantee they will stay in your life permanently. But the early stages of letting go is almost like falling and not knowing where you will land. Its frightening! I assure you what feels like a terrible lonesome experience will eventually turn into a feeling of lightness of being and you will feel whole. And feel independant. Dependance is a form of bondage it is not love. I repeat attachment depending on another for your happiness is NOT Love it's suffocating and the other person will run like hell from feeling trapped.
My main point is to try to show yourself that love. Inwardly and outwardly.
Last edited by In Sync; 18th October 2005 at 11:47 PM..
You are by far, the wisest person in love that I have yet to come in conversation with...
Just knowing that you went through heart ache and found your way out of it....or healed some what accurately..
And your right...it is frightening right now!!! VERY frightening...it hurts JUST to think of him being with someone else and being able to love her like he did me...It may seem harsh..but I really dont want him too...I dont know if I'll even be able to love someone as much as I did him...I dont want some other girl to have what I had with him..it's too painful to think of...I hope I'll never ever have to see it either..
My mom tells me to just NOT CONTACT him at all..we were always there for him..and she said she wants him to now experience what life is like without us..but im sure he'll be fine..so im scared to let go..i dont want him out of my life..but it's starting to seem like i have no choice. ...I am only 17 after all...I've got my whole life ahead of me...But Im not exagerating when I say that he and I were truly an amazing item..so it hurts so much to lose that..
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Does nobody believe in paragraphs anymore? 
In Sync..I'd love to hear what you have to say on my threads..
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