[trickynj99]

First off... to all posters i get so much looking back thru the previous posts and there is so much pain it makes me sad to see.. ihope by sharing experiences it can help others..it certainly helps me...

i'm 43, male..2 kids age 11 and 9
both my wife and i are terrible communicators, very unwilling to confront, very wanting to please.. but we're really nice people and there's no abuse or violence or threats.... but over time because of lots of things, work, anxiety, paxil, kid with majorADHD..sex life went to literally zero....this happened over about 5 yrs.. recently we FINALLY talked about it and i was shocked to find wife had fallen out of love with me. whatever that means....i thought things were bad, but lets work on them

i'm very successful at work, very well-liked and very adaptable, i go with the flow and certainly was doing that in the marraige...i do suffer from terrible anxiety and i was the one who drifted out of being interested in sex, and i'm guilty of watching way too much sports and video games!! as for my wife, she is terminally unhappy, has a narcissist mother, and spends 100% of her time making sure the outside world looks on our family and her as perfect..nothing is ever her fault, everybody she deals with seems to offend her in some way and i've read lots of self-help stuff that sums her up as "NOT COMMITTED TO HER OWN HAPPINESS"...dont get me wrong, i still love her she is very attractive to me and i've known how she ticks all along and want to work things out..i felt a little like i was the perfect personality for her.

so this spring when the (*#(#$ hit the fan , i worked on becoming perfect husband, i quit paxil ( a whole nother saga), said"yes dear" alot, was proactive in getting things done, lost 35lbs!!! i'm 6'2 190 now...but wife is still not moving off her stance...i dont love you.we are just friend stance..we are treating each other wonderfully for themost part.. we do care about each other..and although there is tremendous tension in our house it so far is usually not to bad..until recently..

so here's the thing...i'm getting fed up now... we have had 3 blow-ups and each time its the same...she says she's depressed, angry, lonely, lost..says things like.."I've given up my identity for this" (i work, she's the mom), "i didnt want this" (cant say what she wants), "i'm so UNHAPPY", (but wont do anything about it)...and the worst "i feel nothing for you"

so each time i basically said..ok i have to go..and she completely breaks down and the kids say whats wrong and we say mommy's having a bad day..the last time this happened she said maybe it would be better is she were dead...she is so focused on how this looks when i said i really need to go away she said i couldnt because what would she tell her mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after she said that, i said that she needs help and needs to do SOMETHING to get herself on track and i would support her.. I got the number of a good psychiatrist and now she wont call.. she says thats "my choice, not yours"...
For some reason that really really got to me, and since then i cannot get out of mind that i should take the first step to end this.. (A) because maybe that will shock some sense into her (B) maybe its the right thing for me to leave.....but the problem is the kids..

i love them both sooooo much...truthfully, they come to me (especially the ADHD one) because my wife likes them to be perfect and doesnt always support them...if i leave, then they are with her!!!!! i make very good money and leaving job isnt an option at this time...(maybe will be in a couple yrs)..i feel so trapped and incapable of deciding what to do.. ..

i could go on and on(and i did!!!)...i'm posting this to get it off my chest and see if there are any pearls of wisdom out there cyberspace!!

thnx