Can A Long Term Affair Not Involve Emotional Ties?
My husband had an affair with a woman he works with for nearly a year. In that time he had sex with her only three times and was drunk all three times. There were also some oral sex encounters when not drunk, so she says.
He says there were no emotions involved. He had no feelings for her, she was just a drunken sex partner.
He saw her everyday at work and remained friends with her for over a year after the physical affair was ended by her because she got a serious boyfriend.
I say there were emotions involved, had to be, it went on too long for there not to be.
What do you all think?
If there were emotional ties, he would have slept with her more regularly. It sounds like it was just drunken sex. He basically had 3 one-night stands with her in a drunk state. What's the difference between 1 and 3?
The fact that they were friends and saw each other every day at work confirms his statement that there were no emotions involved. I wouldn't even call it an affair. It didn't go for a year. He only had 3 drunken intercourses with her and co-worker's friendly relationship. I would believe him about "no emotions involved."
Hey Harleygirl,
I am so sorry to hear that happen.. I don't understand why he is blaming it on the drinking why he slept with her.. i can see one time but he did this three times ... i don't believe that it was because of the alcohol ..Cheating is cheating no matter what .. Good luck hope it all works out!!!
My husband had an affair with a woman he works with for nearly a year. In that time he had sex with her only three times and was drunk all three times. There were also some oral sex encounters when not drunk, so she says.
He says there were no emotions involved. He had no feelings for her, she was just a drunken sex partner.
He saw her everyday at work and remained friends with her for over a year after the physical affair was ended by her because she got a serious boyfriend.
I say there were emotions involved, had to be, it went on too long for there not to be.
What do you all think?
Re-read your post. You answered your own questions actually without even knowing it.
He said there were no emotions involved. Well, why did he remain friends with her if there were no feelings? HE wants you to believe that there were no feelings.
Once is a mistake, twice is a coincidence and three times is a habit. And oral sex, talking and fooling around counts as sex. Maybe not FULL ON sex, but it still a sexual act.
Re-read your post. You answered your own questions actually without even knowing it.
He said there were no emotions involved. Well, why did he remain friends with her if there were no feelings? HE wants you to believe that there were no feelings.
Once is a mistake, twice is a coincidence and three times is a habit. And oral sex, talking and fooling around counts as sex. Maybe not FULL ON sex, but it still a sexual act.
My thoughts exactly......just wanted some other opinions!!
If there were emotional ties, he would have slept with her more regularly. It sounds like it was just drunken sex. He basically had 3 one-night stands with her in a drunk state. What's the difference between 1 and 3?
The fact that they were friends and saw each other every day at work confirms his statement that there were no emotions involved. I wouldn't even call it an affair. It didn't go for a year. He only had 3 drunken intercourses with her and co-worker's friendly relationship. I would believe him about "no emotions involved."
What about the oral sex after work when sober that happened so many times neither of them can really say how often, but are pretty sure at least once a week. THAT IS SEX.....not intercourse, but sex.
There were emotions involved.
Hey Harleygirl,
I am so sorry to hear that happen.. I don't understand why he is blaming it on the drinking why he slept with her.. i can see one time but he did this three times ... i don't believe that it was because of the alcohol ..Cheating is cheating no matter what .. Good luck hope it all works out!!!
I don't buy the I was drunk everytime and that is why it happened **** either. It was a full blown emotions involved affair. Just because they both happen to be alcoholics just made it easier and convenient as I don't drink. I believe she was there, friends at first, someone he could RELATE to about drinking if you will and then it got emotional and the sex started. The feelings remained after she ended it because she got a serious boyfriend that was not married and hubby got shut out on the sex end of it, but they did still go drinking together. Her, her boyfriend, a friend of hers and my hubby......hummm....yes I caught them together in his truck(the friend) but put a stop to things before it got hot and heavy. Scared the crap out of her and she didn't go again. The friendship was strong and lasted long.....so sad.
What about the oral sex after work when sober that happened so many times neither of them can really say how often, but are pretty sure at least once a week. THAT IS SEX.....not intercourse, but sex.
There were emotions involved.
I didn't say it was NOT sex or he is not a scum. I just said that it sounds to me like no emotions were involved - just sexual desire. If repeated sex means love for you then you have a different theory on it.
What about friends with benefits who have sex pretty regularly, with no emotions involved?
[quote=RecordProducer]If there were emotional ties, he would have slept with her more regularly.
QUOTE]
Isn't this a bit contradictory? Separating love and sex is tricky at the best of times. Often one leads to the other, regardless of how it starts.
I think Harleygirl, you are going through that horrible stage where you run out of excuses that you can make to yourself and are seeing it for what it was. Not nice, but I believe it is part of the process of dealing with it. Your h wants you to believe that there were no emotions because it can be dealt with faster. However, these things have a habit of coming back to bite you on the bum if not dealt with.
Take your time. It is painful but you will get through it.
He says there were no emotions involved. He had no feelings for her, she was just a drunken sex partner.
I imagine he knew that if he told you anything other than this, it would demolish you and likely destroy any chance for him continuing to remain in your life. I'm sure he does not feel now like he did then when he was involved with her, but...
Can you imagine him saying "There were emotions involved at the time, and I did not want to lose her. I was infatuated with her, and at the time I thought I loved her. The sex was drunken, but it was hot and I had to go back for more."
Can you imagine him even having the nuts to hint at that with you? I expect that he wants to just put this behind him, but I can understand the need to know how he felt at the time so that you can deal with it and move on. It is all to easy to tell the BS to just "get over it" and "move on" - but I know that when something like this goes down, sometimes you just have to KNOW - its like a thorn in your brain, digging and digging. Until you know, I don't expect you will move on easily. It is absolutely necessary that he know how important it is to you to fill in these missing pieces.
If you need to hear this, or need to know whether or not he felt that way - then bring it up in a counseling session (are you guys in counseling together? For some reason I thought you were, but if you aren't you may want to consider it! There's so much you two need to say to each other - stuff that is painful to say and even more painful to hear but it is apparent these unsaid things are still causing residual problems between the two of you.)
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
I didn't say it was NOT sex or he is not a scum. I just said that it sounds to me like no emotions were involved - just sexual desire. If repeated sex means love for you then you have a different theory on it.
What about friends with benefits who have sex pretty regularly, with no emotions involved?
During the time this was going on, in reality he spent more time with her each day for two years than he did with me. He had to have feelings for her. You don't carry on with someone for that long without feelings being involved. Friends with benefits, yes, but you have feelings for friends, especially friends with benefits.
During the time this was going on, in reality he spent more time with her each day for two years than he did with me. He had to have feelings for her. You don't carry on with someone for that long without feelings being involved. Friends with benefits, yes, but you have feelings for friends, especially friends with benefits.
He had an emotional bond with her then, no doubt. I think its like LB said, he wasn't going to tell you but so much. For you to learn about the physical affair is heart breaking enough, but for emotions to be involved along with it, is even worse. He may have been drunk when he was with her sexually but he wasn't when he was going out/spending time with her for 2 years, which means he had an emotional bond. I'm so sorry this has happened.
Harly, I don't know what you want to believe, but they were not really in a relationship. In a relationship you make love more often than 3 times a year (in the first year at least) and a few BJs. It just sounds to me from what you wrote that there were no real emotions involved. But if you think there were, you know best. You're his wife.
Being frinds + lovers doesn't equal being in love although being in love understands taht you're fridns plus lovers. Feelings do matter. If he says he didn't love her then he didn't. Unless you think he is lying, but then he might be lying about everything. Maybe he slept 100 times with her.
I feel for your pain. Do you have children?
Last edited by RecordProducer; 28th September 2005 at 10:04 PM..
Harley, you asked what people think. Here's what I think.
He lied to you. He did not care enough about his marriage to you to remain faithful. He behaved selfishly and without conscience, with complete disregard for his relationship with you. He confided with this other woman, conspired with her to keep their relationship a secret from you, had sex with her (and quite frankly probably more than they are admitting to), had the most intimate type of contact there is with her. He broke his promise to you to be faithful.
It was an affair. It doesn't matter if he didn't love her. It's not about his feelings for her.
That's what I think. I'm sorry. I know it hurts. I still hurt also.
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