Telling kids about divorce and the questions they ask
Unfortunately, we're at the point where we will soon tell our kids (ages 6 & 8) that we are going to get a divorce. Things are "amicable" - no fights or overt hostility - we remain cooperative and supportive in taking care of the kids, household operations, family responsibilities, etc...
I've been doing a bit of reading up. We plan to talk to them with all 4 of us together.
Although up to a certain point I would have done anything to work on our marriage together, that willingness was specifically rebuffed, (i.e. she's "leaving".) However, I'm willing to suck it up, put on a brave front, and for the good of the kids, put it in terms of what "we" have decided to do, although I want to avoid outright lying...
I'm trying to anticipate questions we might get from the kids - I'm pretty sure I have an idea of what some of the basics might be, but I wanted to brainstorm any others that might come out of left field, just so I can have considered them in advance, and be prepared to answer them in a constructive, respectful way. Questions I'm prepared for, or at least, ones that I'm aware might come up:
What's going to happen to me/us?
Where are we going to live?
Why are you getting a divorce?
Did I/we do something to make you mad?
Do you still love each other?
Do you still love me/us?
Did you love each other when you made me?
Is there a chance of getting back together again?
We also plan to keep it pretty basic, and not offer a lot of embellishment or long lectures, instead allowing them to ask what they want to know about. We will reassure them that this is about mom and me, that it is not about them or their behavior, that it doesn't change the nature of our bonds with them as parents and children, and that we will continue to respect and support each other as parents. I'll be open to questions or them sharing their feelings or just needing to be reassured at any time, now or in the future.
I know not to let them harbor any hope of us getting back together (as hard as it is for me to avoid that myself...)
I know to reassure them that they will be just as safe, loved, and cared for as they always have, and that's actually the one part of all of this in which I have the most confidence and feel strongest, because its the one thing I know, in my heart, to be absolutely true.
Anyway - are there any other likely questions anyone can think of that might come from this age range? Any specific things to be careful of (like avoiding the hope of reconciliation)? Any comments or criticisms of my approach, or any other suggestions?
With a heavy heart...
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trimmer
What's going to happen to me/us?
Where are we going to live?
Why are you getting a divorce?
Did I/we do something to make you mad?
Do you still love each other?
Do you still love me/us?
Did you love each other when you made me?
Is there a chance of getting back together again?
With a heavy heart...
Damn... Sorry to hear of your situation...
My Kids were younger when I divorced thier Dad.... they are now 8 and 5...
But at the time my oldest was 5 years old so yes... it was difficult to explain to her...
One suggestion I would make is to go to a book store (like Barnes and Noble) and in the childrens section they have books for your kids age group explaining divorce on a Kids level...
Secondly, when you tell them as you've said keep it simple.... I told my Daughter simply that sometimes Mommies and Daddies cannot live together anymore... that it was nothing she or her sister did or didn't do, that both of us still love them more than anything, that they will still be in both of our lives... I have custody of my Kids so we let them know when they could count on spending time with thier Dad as well...
When it comes to the question Don't you love Mom or Dad anymore... thats a rough one.... I told my Kids that I will always love thier Dad but that I love him as a FRIEND... that I wish him well and want him to be happy....
Divorce is rough... just give them a lot of affection, be honest when talking to them that yes it hurts... BUT that everyone is going to be okay.
Hang in there....
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My exh totally bailed on the talk. He was there but he didn't say much. We talked to them separately, my oldest first. I told him that we loved him, but that sometimes parents couldn't live together and that we were going to be divorced and living separately. I told him that he didn't do anything to cause this, that we still loved him just as much and that we would work together to come up with a schedule where he could see both of us lots. As I was sitting there telling him, his face just collapsed and he started to cry. It was the most hurt look I've ever seen on his face. He asked why we couldn't all live together and I explained that it was because we were having trouble getting along. After a bit he was okay. The next night he sat down with us to tell his sister and him being there comforted him. He was very grown up in looking back on it. We kept it more simple with my daughter and I don't think she really still understands and I'm remarried (she's 4). She tells me alot "Mommy, daddy still wants to kiss you" and stuff like that. Which breaks my heart........
Don't give too much information that they don't need. The one thing I've never said is that I didn't love their dad anymore. I wouldn't want them to think that my love for them might change. My daughter even told our neighbors daughter the other day, "My mom still loves my dad, right mom?" and of course I said yes, I had to.
It's hard, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Trimmer - I totally sympathize with you. I had that same conversation with my kids just 2 days ago. So far, it's been okay, and we're holding up. Aside from the fact that my eldest 19 years is closest to his Dad, I guess he somehow realized that I (the leaver), has chose the "enough is enough". It wasn't timed, nor scheduled, it just so happen be the right time to do it, to say it, and it just worked out.
My 2 younger ones 15 and 7 miss their dad, but they understand what I've gone through and that he's never really been around for them so it's easier for them to not have him here anyway, that's so sad. But true.
Stay strong, and remind them that you both love them very much, and like you, I gave no indication there would be any reconciliation, though I know in my eldest's heart, he's truly hoping. And it's funny cause the stronger I get, they get too. For me it's been a long time coming, so this should be truly no shock to them, but I guess it still is - it's like a death of sorts, grieving, but you will be fine, believe this, make your words match your actions and you'll do fine.
Thank you so much, you guys, both for the advice and for your words of support. Other than my counselor (who maintains an appropriate sort of personal detachment...) I haven't really confided in anyone about this whole situation, so it's nice to get some heartfelt feedback. It just sucks and I know it's not the worst thing anyone has ever gone through by far, but it's the worst thing I've ever gone through, so I really appreciate your kindness.
I know what you mean, Haunani, it's like coming to terms with a death.
As for the kids, I think it sounds like my general thinking is more or less on track. I hate that this is happening, but like I said, my relationship with them is one thing I have unquestioning confidence in, and so I believe that both in my words and my actions to follow, that I'll do OK.
I will be alright; we will be alright - it's just a matter of starting out on a different journey.
Last edited by Trimmer; 24th September 2005 at 4:25 PM..
Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If you're able to make a healthy adjustment, your child will be more likely to do so, too. Also, getting needed emotional support and being able to air your feelings and thoughts with an adult will lessen the possibility of your child shouldering the unfair burden of your emotional concerns. This may include trusted friends or family members or a therapist.
Be patient with yourself and with your child. Emotional concerns, loss, and hurt following divorce take time to heal and often happen in phases. That's healthy.
Resist the temptation to make up for the child's loss with material things, food treats, or special privileges. Emotional hurt is best healed with care and support from loved ones, not things.
Recognize the signals of stress for your child's age. Consult your child's doctor or a child therapist for guidance on how to handle specific problems you're concerned about.
good luck
Thanks, lynnered - these are all really good, thoughtful points, and I agree with your philosophies here. My counselor also works a lot with children, so I think I've got a good resource available.
We talked to the kids today. I think it went pretty well, and yes, I do realize the absolute head-exploding insanity of that statement. My wife didn't say much, but I don't have any bad feelings about that because I think I did pretty well myself. I like to think I was doing OK and she didn't see the need to correct or add anything...
The kids reacted pretty much as I might have expected, knowing their personalities. Our 6 yr. old son - a happy-go-lucky little guy - sat on my lap and just stayed in close physical contact, listened seriously but didn't say much, and then was like "OK - I'm gonna go outside and play now." Our 8 yr. old daughter "got it" right away. About 5 seconds after the word "divorce" floated out into the air, she melted and started crying. She hid under a blanket for most of the time, but I was reassured that she immediately sought out and stayed in physical contact with my wife, as opposed to withdrawing.
We kept the rest of the day kind of low key and typical, and the kids even made mention of it at various times during the day, so I feel good that it is "out in the open" enough that they feel they don't have to avoid talking about it. I'll be keeping a loving eye on both of them (I know that my son's benign initial reaction doesn't mean that he wasn't - or won't be - affected by it as time goes on...) and we both made it clear that we are open and available for questions, sharing feelings, etc...
So, at the end of this day when things turned upside-down in their lives, I am confident that they still feel safe and loved, and I also have confidence that our actions moving forward will continue to prove that to them.
Hearing your suggestions was key to making this work as well as it could have. Merin - your reinforcing the idea of keeping it simple really helped me to focus on that. I tend to get into "lecture" mode and keep going on and on. I really kept my mind on keeping it simple, and it turned out that after hearing the basics, they mostly needed to be quiet and close to us. Mz. Pixie - same for you with not spewing out too much information, and also, hearing of your experience with your son collapsing into tears in front of you kind of prepared me for that possibility, and it made it a little easier to stay strong for my daughter when that happened to her.
I'm tired and a little (a lot...) emotionally raw right now, but I mean this sincerely: all of you guys helped, and I appreciate it deeply. Thank you so much.
You know, I have a friend who has been through a few really tough experiences. And I mean, REALLY tough experiences, the least of which would be dealing with her husband's infidelity.
She's dealt with stuff that puts people in therapy, and she's come through it all whole and sane. She's an awesome person.
But she told me that the day she told her children about her impending divorce was the toughest day of her life. That says something, particularly in comparison to what she's already endured.
Anyway, it sounds like you did a great job, all things considered. There will be alot more questions. Some will seem kind of silly, but kids just don't know what to expect....so keep them informed on the basics.
Pay special attention that they know what's going on in regard to their daily agenda. Who's picking them up from school? Who's going to soccer practice? Are you still going to play ball with them? Are you making pancakes on Saturday? Things like that.
Kids are self-centered. Not in the negative way we think of "self-centered" adults. It's normal for them to be that way. They need to know how these new developments will effect them in a daily way.
Pshychologists say that 6-8 is the hardest age for children when their parents get divorced. I was 6.5 and it was terrible for me. I didn't realize how much I suffered until I was an adult, but I know I suffered a lot. The worst part was that my mother moved in with another man who treated both of us badly. He later even molested me. She was very much against my father at the time. I just don't want to remember how awful it was for many years...
Even changing school in the first grade for difficult for me. I was a happy kid and suddenly my parents ruined my life. I didn't blame anyone, I just was so unhappy. I still think that my mother could've handled things much better. She acts like "how could I know?" She couldn't know anything. She couldn't know I was unhappy, she never asked me. She forced me to call the step-monster "daddy", she wanted to turn me against my father... etc. The step-monster beat the sh*t out of her about once a week, swore and cursed and cheated. Yeah, right, she couldn't have known anything...
Just spare the kids. Children are very fragile. I fight with my mother about 10 times a day. I've been living with her after I got divorced. I believe the constant antagonism between the two of us is due to all the things that have happened in the past.
My kids were 2 when my ex and I split. They don't want us to be together again. They want me to marry my BF, they love both him and their father.
Last edited by RecordProducer; 26th September 2005 at 9:32 AM..
Trimmer, I'm glad it went okay..... sorry about your daughter. I know how bad that hurt........ I'm with LJ. I've been through terrible stuff, abuse, etc but telling my kids that was the hardest thing I've ever done.......
I agree. I sometimes hear people who divorce go on about how resilient kids are and how they will be just fine, etc.... But I think that tends to be us trying to convince ourselves as adults that what we're doing is OK. It shouldn't relieve us of our primary responsibility to care for them with all our hearts, and to provide a safe, nurturing environment for them to deveop within.
When you get married, an almost universal part of the ritual (in my culture, anyway) is to stand up in front of family and friends and state your vows. You promise commitments to each other, and to a large degree, I think you are also announcing commitments to family, friends, and society.
When children are involved, I think we should make divorce vows, too. To my STBX-mother-in-law, to my STBX-sister-in-law, I promise to continue to love and cherish your grandchildren (niece and nephew), to care for and protect them with the same energy and honor as I always have before. I promise to treat my STBXW, your daughter (sister), with respect in general, and especially in front of the children, whether she is present or not, and to expect the best of them in their behavior and respect towards her. I will not use the children as tools of any kind in my relationship with her (i.e. I won't communicate with her through them, I won't question them to investigate her activities, feelings, lifestyle, etc.) I will never put the children into a position of having to decide or divide their loyalties between us.
And so on. Maybe this is the kind of thing you do when you go through those court-required parenting classes as a condition of divorce.
RP - if it helps you to know there's one less thing in the world you have to worry about, I stand before you now and make these promises to you, too. Thanks...
LJ and Mz.P - yeah, it was painful beyond imagination, but the thing that helps, and allows me to look to the future with hope, is that I truly believe that we are both equally and strongly concerned and focused on providing a stable, loving, nurturing environment for our kids. This helps us to remember that our egos and other issues need to be dealt with respectfully and kept in perspective, and frankly, I'm starting to see this in action, so like I said, I'm hopeful.
Just last night my son started crying about the divorce and it's been over a year. He said he wanted his dad and I to get remarried. I'm married to someone else!
My new husband was really good with him and helped me to reassure him but I am so depressed today that something I did has caused my child this much pain. You know, he misses me when he's with his dad, and misses his dad when he's with me. He wants us to be one big happy family and is coming to the point of knowing that's not ever gonna happen again.
My exh and I are not co parenting very well so Trimmer if you can do that then great. He unfortunately will not show me mutual respect. We share joint custody and he just thinks he makes all the rules and is unwilling to compromise on big issues. That is why I'm going to have to take him back to court and I've practically done everything but beg to keep from doing. I know in the end he will be the one who misses out. See, I'm one of those women who actually wants her exhusband to have his time with the kids- but if he can't make logical decisions because he's so blinded with rage because I've moved on then we can't do that.
When XW and I decided to split, my daughter was 6. My son wasn't even 3. I remember the conversation. My daughter was aware that their mother and I had been arguing loudly recently, so it clearly wasn't a total shock. We started meandering around the topic in a cautious way, when suddenly my daughter said "I know what's happening! You're getting a divorce!" I was very impressed (and saddened) by her perceptiveness.
After that we had a fairly tearful conversation with my daughter (and me) crying occasionally. Did what we were supposed to do and told her that it wasn't her fault, that she hadn't done anything wrong. Her response was "I KNOW that" (with a tone of voice that suggested "I'm not a complete idiot, you know").
Two years later, the adjustment has had its ups and downs but has been not too bad overall, at least outwardly. The frequency with which she asks why we had to get a divorce has diminished. There has been a recent bump in the road, because her mother recently moved into a new house with her BF. Plus my daughter changed schools and my parents (who she's really close to) moved away recently. Lots of changes so she's been a bit unhinged lately.
God, I never want to go through this sh*t again.
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After the flood, all the colours came out.
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man...after reading some of these stories....and thinking about my situ....and knowing how sensitive my 6 yo daughter is.....I just got teary eyed thinking about how devasting this would be for her and her lil brother. I could never do this to her....it would break my heart and hers....
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He asked why we couldn't all live together and I explained that it was because we were having trouble getting along. After a bit he was okay. The next night he sat down with us to tell his sister and him being there comforted him. He was very grown up in looking back on it. We kept it more simple with my daughter and I don't think she really still understands and I'm remarried (she's 4). She tells me alot "Mommy, daddy still wants to kiss you" and stuff like that. Which breaks my heart........
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