Need help with complicated relationship problem. should I keep pursuing her?

cain

Recently, I became closer with a girl that was in one of my classes at my college. For me, it had truly been love at first sight. But, since I

am kind of a shy guy, I never really said much to her, other than a quick

hello. However, towards the end of this past semester, we started

spending some time together. We got to know each other a little better

and talked more often. Then, one night we met to study for our final exams

together. However, we didn't get much studying done. We talked a lot

about our lives in general and we got a little more physically intimate- she

was caressing my arm and running her hand through my hair, etc. When the

night was over, we gave each other a big hug, she asked me for my phone

number, and we went our separate ways. A few days later, she called me and

asked me when I was going to be at school "studying." I told her when I was

going to be there and she showed up, too, of course. That night, we

talked even more and got a little deeper with our conversation. She

talked about her family with me. I learned that she was from a broken home.

She even revealed to me that her father had been somewhat abusive when she

was a child. Then, we somehow got on to the conversation of sex. I told

her that I was a virgin and wanted to wait until I was married. She told me that was "very noble." But, she told me that she

had been with "a lot" of men before. That was the same night that I

decided to tell her that I loved her. She told me that she felt that you had to be with someone for a long time before you could love someone, but she

told me that she did care about me.

I thought that maybe I had messed things up by telling her that I

loved her so soon. But, a couple of days later, she called me again and

asked me to go to dinner with her. After dinner, we went somewhere and just

talked again. From the way that she talked, I thought that she thought of us

as a couple. She said things like "I don't want to be cheated on." Also,

when I asked her what I could do to prove my feelings for her, she said

"longevity." That is, that she wanted me to stick around. She told me

that I was "perfect" and "beautiful." She also made jokes about my family,

saying that since my mom stays at home and my dad works, for example,

that I have the "Donna Reed" family. But, when I asked her what I should

say when my friends asked me who she was, she said "tell them that I am

your friend." Also, that night she was practically throwing herself at me-

putting her hands on me, trying to kiss me, etc. I thought it was way

too soon for that, so I would just pull away when she tried doing things

like that. Once again, we ended the night with a hug. However, after that

night, things seemed to change.

I saw her at school a few days later. She told me, "I have something

bad to tell you." I was really scared. I asked, "What is it?". She

responded: "I really don't think you should pursue me anymore." I didn't say

anything at first. She then said "You deserve someone better than me." I was

really upset. All I said was "you don't mean that."

Later, a female friend of mine came in the room and started talking to

the two of us. Soon, I had to leave. This girl stayed in the room with my

friend. My friend later told me that she asked this girl whether or

not she cared about me. The girl said "yes" but that I was really shy and

I probably wouldn't be around for very long because I am graduating from

college soon (which isn't true-I'm not planning on going anywhere any

time soon). My friend told her that I wasn't shy around HER and that I

wasn't going anywhere in the near future.

Despite the fact that she told me not to pursue her, this girl

continued to e-mail me and called me a few times, too. She even asked me to go to church with her one Sunday. After church, we went for a walk and were

talking. She constantly asked me "tell me again why you're not

perfect." I told her that I wasn't perfect and she kept asking me "why?". She jokingly said "I think I'm going to start calling you Jesus because

you are so perfect." But, then she seemed to get really upset that I

wouldn't talk about any problems that I have had in life. She kept saying

"you're so perfect." I told her that I wasn't. She would say things like "look at you, you have such fancy, designer clothes, etc." I told her that they were just clothes and that I didn't care about them. Also, she asked

me not to buy her any more gifts. I had bought her many expensive gifts,

but I didn't know that she would be upset by them! I told her before that

I wasn't trying to buy her and she told me that she believed me. But, I

said okay, and I haven't bought any more gifts for her. Once again, we

ended the day with a hug. But, after that day, things REALLY seemed to

change. Now, I am so confused about a lot of things.

I called her one day when I knew that she had been sick, just to see

how she was doing. We talked for a little while and she told me that she

needed to go. She told me that she would call me the next day.

However, it was late the next day and I had somewhere to go. I was very upset that she hadn't called me, so I called her again. She said "I don't remember

telling you that I was going to call." I was very upset and she knew

it. Later the next week, she e-mailed me and asked me if I was still mad

at her. She told me where she was going to be at a certain time, and told

me that if I wasn't still mad at her, then to come and say hi.

Unfortunately, I couldn't make it, but I did e-mail her back. I told her that I was upset not because she forgot to call me, but that she didn't seem to care that I was upset. She said that I was making too much out of it, and that she was sick and had been on medication and didn't remember anything. Somehow or another we ended up on the subject of her feelings.

She told me in an e-mail that she didn't think she had been

inconsiderate of my feelings. She said that she thought that I felt as though she had fewer feelings because she didn't talk about them. She said "I know

that you care about me and the feeling is mutual. I just don't like to show

my feelings and then get hurt." Then she brought up me saying "I love

you." She said, "I have heard those words before and I am only protecting

myself when I don't reiterate them." What I was really upset about is the

way in which she ended her e-mail. She said "I don't want to hurt you, but we

are just so different. You deserve someone who is shy and reserved and

witty and likes fancy clothes; I am loud and opinionated and awkward." She

then went on to say "I don't want to fight anymore." I was really upset by

this and in my disappointment, I sent her an e-mail that said "I don't want

to fight anymore either. just forget about me." After I sent it, I

realized that it wasn't really how I felt-- I don't want this girl to forget

about me. So, I quickly sent her another e-mail that said that I didn't mean

it when I told her to forget about me and that I needed her in my life. I

told her that we weren't that different and that I was shy around her

because I always get nervous when I'm with her because I want

everything to be perfect. She e-mailed me back a little later. She said "just forget about me???? That was harsh. Are you trying to make me cry or

something?" She then said... "then I read your other letter... why don't you just be yourself around me? I always feel like I make you uncomfortable. I

don't want perfection. I want fun and passionate and loving and silly and

smart. I want to know that you make mistakes, too." But, that left me

confused, too. You see, she told me that I shouldn't pursue her and that we were "so different." But, then she seemed to get upset when I told her to "just forget about me." Also, a day after she told me that she didn't think

that I should pursue her anymore, I was really upset. I asked her "should I

just give up on you?" She replied "I don't know, is that what you want to

do?" But, if she really wanted me to stop pursuing her, then why

didn't she just say "yes, give up on me?"

And that is where we are today. It is so confusing for me. She told me

to stop pursuing her, but seemed to get upset when I asked her if I should

give up on her. She told me that "we are so different" but then told

me that she wants "fun and passionate", etc. It seems so strange to me.

Also, one day, we were talking on the phone, and she actually told me that she wished I would be "more aggressive" with her. That seemed really

strange to me. But, to make things more precise: one day she tells me that

she wants longevity and then the next she tells me not to pursue her.

Then, she gets upset when I ask if I should give up, but then tells me that

we are too different and that I deserve someone better. I don't know

where I stand. She tells me to call her a "friend" but then tells me to be

more aggressive. The other day, I called her to ask her if she wanted to

have dinner at a friend's house. She got another call and told me that she

would have to call me back. She told me before that the reason why she

never called me anymore was because she always dialed the wrong number (an

obvious lie). So, this time, she wrote down my number and told me that she

would call me back. She never did. She knew how upset I got when she

didn't call back the last time and yet she did it again this time. I

was talking to a good friend of mine, and my friend told me that she knew

exactly what this girl was doing.

My friend said that this girl really does want me, but that she has an

"inferiority complex." She said that this girl feels as though she is

unworthy of me. That is why she always tells me that I am perfect and come

from the perfect family and deserve someone better, etc. This girl

has been very promiscuous in the past. My friend said that she is used to

having men use her and that is why she told me to "be more

aggressive." My friend said that this girl doesn't really want me to stop pursuing her, and that is why she has never actually told me to stop (she'll just say things like "i don't think you should pursue me" or "you deserve someone better.") My friend said that she feels she is unworthy of my love and all my expensive gifts and that is why she told me to stop buying them for her. My friend said that I am scaring her away, though, by always

telling her that I love her and care about her. She said that this girl

probably equates sex with love and doesn't understand why I do and say all the things that I do, but yet don't act "aggressive and passionate" with her.

It sounded strange to me at first, but as I listened to my friend,

this theory started making more sense. But, then I asked my friend why this

girl said she was going to call me back but didn't, even though she knew

that it would upset me. My friend said it was because she was trying

to "sabotage the relationship" because she is scared. I said I didn't

understand how anyone could be scared of true love, but my friend said

that that was only because I didn't grow up the way that this girl

did. But, my friend said that I should stop calling altogether (which is

the only form of communication we have at the moment) because I was "scaring

her away." She said that this girl would start calling me again if I

stopped because she really doesn't want me to give up on her. My

friend said that she really does want me. This is so confusing to me, though.

This girl tells me that I am her friend but yet wants me to be

aggressive. She told me she wanted longevity, then told me not to pursue her. This whole situation is strange to me. I'm left wondering how this girl

feels about me. She won't say, though, because she said "I don't like

talking about my feelings and then getting hurt." What should I do? I really

love this girl and don't want to lose her. Once, this girl told me on the phone, "if you know that I want you, then you won't want me anymore." So, by that I thought that she was just playing hard to get. But, it is so frustrating, because she'll act like she wants me to pursue her, then she'll tell me that we are "too different." But, I never know whether she is playing hard to get or just telling me the truth? The whole situation is really complicated. But, I really, really, really don't think this girl is just jerking me around, so I'm not sure what to make of the situation. How can I know whether or not she wants me to pursue her or not? My friend told me that when she really wants me to stop, then there wouldn't be any doubts because she would make it obvious. But, I don't know how to proceed now. What can I do? I really love this girl and I need all the advice I can get!!! If anyone can help me, please send me an e-mail at: "<e-mail address removed>"

Thank you,

Cain