[athena3963]

I’m so confused and really need some advice.

I worked with a man for seven years and he left the company around six months ago. He was a part owner of the company but due to irreconcilable differences with the other owners, he felt it was best for his sanity and dignity to leave.

We are both married. He is a decent guy and one of his most admirable qualities has always been that he is ethical and lives by a strict code of “rules.” I feel terrible because I truly fell in love with him. I love this man deeply on a level that I just can’t comprehend or put into words. I admire him, recognize his strengths and weaknesses. There is just something (so many things) about him that I love.

We worked together as a team in good times and bad. I don’t believe my love for him is a crush because a crush would have waned after a short period of time. We spent almost every day together for seven years. I don’t think a crush could last for seven years. Or, could it????

I’ve never felt like this before with anyone in my entire life. I’m not a kid. I’m in my forties.

We have never had physical contact but the chemistry between us throughout the seven years is obvious and powerful. I believe although everyone in the company is confident that we have not had an affair, if you would take them aside they would say that to be in the same room with us, they couldn’t help but notice the pure affection that beamed out of our eyes when we looked at each other. Strangely, I don’t think anyone found it upsetting or offensive because they knew we never acted on it and went to the next level.

Although both of us have spouses that have grappled with serious mental illnesses and addictions that cause most people to call it quits. I think we are both the type that believe “till death do us part.” I’m not judging other people that do call it quits. It’s just a characteristic that we both share. Maybe other people are being kinder when they do fall in love with someone else or if not fall in love, lean on someone else during difficult times to be honest and respectful of their spouses by calling it quits. I really don’t know the answer.

Also, I would like to apologize if I end up rambling. I just have so much inside me and no one to share it with. There is no place for me to go and express all of the feelings bottled up inside me and appreciate the opportunity to have an avenue to share those feelings and seek advice.

Basically, this is the dilemma I’m grappling with. After he left, he cut all communications and ties with the company. With the exception of me, he did not respond to any emails from others and with a few minor exchanges to finish up business, he does not communicate with anyone. However, he communicates me via email on an almost daily basis. His old email is still active and I forward him messages from an organization that he belongs to. He receives emails from them at least three or four times a week. I asked him, “Do you read these emails? If not, I can quit sending them.” Basically, it was my coded way of asking, “Do you want me to leave you alone?” He didn’t respond to the message. I also realize that he could easily contact them and give them his new address but he has not.

Which bring me to. … why not? When I send him the emails, I tell him about my life, frustrations, what’s going on, trivial things, how much I miss and admire him, sometimes kid around and flirt, etc. He almost always responds. Maybe with a sentence, a joke, a reassurance and sometimes a paragraph. Besides one lunch, we haven’t seen each other in person.

I haven’t been able to stop emailing him. I realize I am trying to hold on to him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and no one will probably believe me but I really do hope the best for both of them. But, the truth of the matter is, she is ill and very dependent upon him. He loves her even though he’s had to carry a heavy load. But, I think he has deep feelings for me and sometimes the love I have for him gives him the strength to carry on and deal with her illness and their lives together. I also will not leave my husband. But, I have to confess that I have a fantasy deep inside me that maybe when we are both old and widows perhaps we will have the opportunity to be together.

Sometimes I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and wonder if he would like me to cease communicating with him. Based on what, I don’t know. Sometimes I’ll send a message and he won’t send back a quick reply. I always write something when I forward him a message.

This week I decided (after not receiving any responses and the sick feeling growing deeper) to forward him his messages and not insert any type of message from me. When I did that, he quickly wrote back a one line message about being busy and working on a special project. He asked me to wish him good luck with the presentation next week.

My question is for all of you guys. Does he want me to go away? Could it be that I’ve built an entire fantasy out of nothing? Could it be he just continues to communicate with me out of some type of feeling of duty and appreciation for all that I’ve helped him with in the past and the kindest thing I could do if I truly love him is to maintain my dignity and just quit stalking him via email. I hate to use the word stalk between two friends but if one is ready to walk away and the other isn’t it, I don’t know what word to use. I feel he loves me in some way but is his love anything like mine. I love him madly, deeply and truly. Am I just someone that he appreciates and respects but doesn’t share the same love or he would have found some other way to express it without it always being in some coded or communicated in some type of puzzle? Although he has written several nice things about me, he has never said he loved me. Although one time he did come out of his office and sang “if loving you is right, I don’t wanna right” to one of male clerk’s standing next to me. He was laughing when he sang it.

Anyway guys. Do you think he loves me or not? Or, do you think he wants to move on but I’m not allowing him to? I don’t mind receiving any harsh responses. I want to deal with the reality. I can’t but feel like the Titanic and he’s the Leonardo DiCapprio character sinking in the water when he began to drown and Kate Winslet reaching out for him. But, maybe in true life I’m clinging and he’s Leonardo DiCapprio swimming away and I’m refusing to accept the reality of it.