[gk2000]

I have a problem that I caused that I need some advice about. A few years ago I had discovered that my wife was having relations with someone else. I was pretty devastated at the time. Someone I know suggested going into chat rooms online to find people to talk to. So I more or less would go into the rooms and watch the conversations that were going on. One evening I noticed someone in the room with a web cam chatting. I looked at the web cam and it was two women online. So I started talking to them in the room. They were pretty funny and one of them kept cracking up. I more or less kept picking on her and we were making jokes back and forth. Over the course of a few weeks I discovered that the person I was talking to was there visiting her friend. I got her personal screen name and we started to talk more and more. At the very beginning she asked me if I was married. Due to complete stupidity I told her that I wasn't. I felt that if I told her I was married she would think that I was a married guy on the prowl for women. That really wasn't the case. I just was looking for someone to talk to. I asked her if she was married. She said yes. At that point I thought that I should probably tell her. But I didn't, thinking that she would be mad that I lied. Over the course of months we became very good friends. I looked forward to talking to her every day. We talk about just about anything. Even my wife's brother knew we talked (he knew about our problems). I told my friend about him but not the fact that he is my brother-in-law. The longer this went on, the more I wanted to tell her the truth. I just figured at this point if I did she would stop talking to me. One day she asked me for my phone number so we could talk on the phone. I gave her my work number. After I did that I thought "Oh my god what did I do?". I have to tell her I'm married. I can't lie to her on the phone. I didn't know what to do. As I was thinking this, the phone rang. It was her. Then I did the second stupidest thing I could have done. I told her that I didn't know who she was and that someone must have given her my number as a joke. I still can't believe I did something so stupid. At this point she was very confused. We had been very good friends or so she thought, and now she didn't know what to believe. The next day I saw her online. I decided that I should tell her the complete truth. So I did (of course it was a cop out for me to do on on the computer as opposed to over the phone). She was extremely angry. She felt that I had betrayed our friendship. Which I had. I know it was completely my fault. She stopped talking to me. I felt terrible. But I deserved it. I really missed talking to her online and missed our friendship. Our friendship is one of the most important things to me (although after what I did I know it doesn't seem like it). Over the next year I would pop on and say hello if I saw her online. But things aren't the same. Is there anything I can do so she might trust me again? Or do you think I don't deserve her friendship? She was a wonderful, amazing friend, and I would like to have her back as a good friend.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Seriously, you should cut your losses and put some time and effort into figuring out why it is you are so frantic to have this person as a 'friend' in the first place. It sounds like your motives are not just 'losing a friend' but to continue some attachment to her that was overstepping the bounds of 'friends' in the first place.

This girl is under no obligation to be your friend, and you will need to understand there is no reason she would possibly want to be friends with you. I think you are just a guy who was feeling lonely, reached out, and built this fantasy escape that you made the unfortunate choice to bring into reality. Unfortunately, she won't see it that way. She was never your friend anyway - she was friends with some guy who for all intents and purposes didn't really exist, and no doubt she fell for him only to find out that who she fell for was just another lying, deceptive, married guy trolling online for a mistress (that will be her perception, regardless of how you try to change her mind about it).

Did you and your wife ever resolve the initial emotional affair, before you started yours? Would you consider going to marriage counseling with her to help you both figure out why you needed escapes from your marriage in the form of these emotional affairs?

[amerikajin]

Is there anything I can do so she might trust me again? Or do you think I don't deserve her friendship? She was a wonderful, amazing friend, and I would like to have her back as a good friend.

It's not about whether you 'deserve' her or not; the real issue is why you're still talking to her when you're presumably still married. You two can't ever be friends as long as you're still married. I mean really, your wife wouldn't really understand or accept that relationship.

Which brings me to my point:

Before we go further, let's cut through the bull*****, shall we? You say you weren't looking for a female 'friend', and maybe you weren't looking for anything serious, but you can't tell us that your relationship was completely appropriate, either. Your problem was your indecisiveness, which led to your ultimately lying about your relationship status.

I don't think she's going to trust you ever again. She doesn't know you, and at this point, I don't think she wants to. It's not that you're some bad person - I think you seem like a pretty decent guy from what I can tell. But in that situation, what reason does she have to trust you? With all of the stories about all of the wacky people who are online, you have unfortunately portrayed yourself negatively.

But she's not important. You need to decide whether or not you want to remain married. Decide that first and then pursue other friendships with women; it's easier that way, I think.

Peace.