I have always prioritized personality over looks and have never felt that I had the right to be picky when boys were interested in me. However, I'm just now realizing that I really wasn't attracted to any of my ex-boyfriends. I mean, I could stare at them and pick out their pretty eyes; but at an overall glance, I would not be proud to introduce them to people as my significant other. I did not realize this in my first relationship of four years, but my last relationship of six months - I do believe that this lack of attraction was a huge part of the problem.
He had a great personality, we got along great, he's the funniest person I've ever met, but I didn't find him cute, and he simply did nothing for me. I grew to like the fun we shared together and was able to put aside the lack of attraction. Somehow though, compounded together with other flaws, it started to become a really big issue. He's been asking me to get back together with him, and that he will change, but I know that no matter what, I still won't find him subjectively attractive, which makes me feel incredibly shallow.
I guess, I'm just curious how important attraction is in a relationship?
Originally posted by tidal
I would not be proud to introduce them to people as my significant other.
Is the issue how attractive *you* find them, or how presentable they are to other people?
I think attractiveness matters, but it's so much more than physical appearance. And I have to say that my own theory is that looks matter less and less the longer you have been in a relationship.
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like you, i've never put "looks" that high on my list. and also like you, i've wondered recently if i'm selling myself short (man, that does sound shallow!). the women i've spent a lot of time with are pretty, but not "hot". anyway, like any other feature we want in a partner, physical attractiveness can be something you really really need or something that's less important.
remember, it IS a characteristic of a person just like 'sense of humor' or 'intelligence', etc. we have standards for ALL of those things. if we didn't have SOME standard for looks, we wouldn't find them attractive at all!
my advice, be "reasonable". set that standard too high, you might end up finding all sorts of crazy flaws and have unrealistic ideals. set them too low, and...well...that's simply going against your fiber. it's not a bad thing to want to find your partner physically appealing. so don't sweat it too much, i know it sort of feel icky to say "hey, you're really great in all these other areas, but....i'm just not sure you're attractive enough for me". seriously, i know. i just ended a short thing with a real hotty. but...she didn't have those "other things". my ex whom i really cared for....well....she's pretty, but certainly not a hotty. it's a balancing act i suppose. and for me, i try to figure out what's REASONABLE and what will bring me more day to day satisfaction: looks or everything else?
Is the issue how attractive *you* find them, or how presentable they are to other people?
If I found my SO attractive, I would also consider them presentable. It's enough to worry about my own opinion's of my SO, I don't have the time to worry about what others' think.
Who you find attractive is usually an indication of how attractive you find yourself. If you have a huge ego than only the hotties will stroke it and if you feel ugly than you have self-esteem issues. I think the answer is in the middle ( which is where the majority of people are (5's)).
Although there is nothing wrong with how you feel, I believe that women SHOULD admit that physcial attractiveness is a high priority. Most women are afraid of looking shallow for choosing men based on looks because they call men shallow for choosing women based on looks.
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Originally posted by fundamental
Although there is nothing wrong with how you feel, I believe that women SHOULD admit that physcial attractiveness is a high priority. Most women are afraid of looking shallow for choosing men based on looks because they call men shallow for choosing women based on looks.
looks do matter but everyone likes different things. my bf in college was apparently a "good looking dork", tall, thin, light hair, whatever, i found him attractive. my last two were rediculously hot...tall, thin, light hair...then i went out with someone who was short, dark hair, whatever, i found him attractive too. (lots of guys that fall somewhere in the range, before and inbetween). one of my guy friends, EVERYBODY finds him attractive, except for me. SO.....looks matter but everyone's idea of good looking is different.
Physical appearance as an element of attraction is hardwired into our brains. Attractive people give off a vibe of health, fitness and success. While there may be personal, cultural and temporal preferences for light or dark features, symmetry is always desirable.
Although appearance is more important to men than women (because women have a more developed mutli-variable evaluative process), it is still a vital part of attraction for everyone.
Originally posted by scratch
symmetry is always desirable.
so true!!! there are a lot of fascinating studies on this. it's true throughout the entire animal kingdom.
there are a number of studies also that show that each species has a preference for different things and it's hardwired into our brains. the studies also show that each individual of the species will take the most desirable partner they can get. luckily as humans we are more complex and can factor in many other important things but it is nature to want attractive partners.
Originally posted by scratch
Although appearance is more important to men than women (because women have a more developed mutli-variable evaluative process),
the majority of women would rather have an avg looking man with a fat wallet than a very good looking man who works at burger king.
Originally posted by alphamale
the majority of women would rather have an avg looking man with a fat wallet than a very good looking man who works at burger king.
i know this was a joke...kind of...but the working at burger king thing, at least for me, would more likely have to do with a lack of ambition. i make my own $$$ i don't need some dude's $$$.
personally, i would rather have some super hot guy who worships the ground that i walk on and doesn't lie or cheat and respects me.....a girl can dream can't she ............but i'd rather have someone with the latter than the former cause i've been down that road before and it ain't pretty.
Originally posted by alphamale
the majority of women would rather have an avg looking man with a fat wallet than a very good looking man who works at burger king.
Sure. That has little to do with money, though, and more to do with the minimal likliehood that he's a person with whom they'd enjoy any activity.
Would you rather date an average looking professional woman or a good looking BK employee? I'd choose the latter for a night, but not for the long term.
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............but i'd rather have someone with the latter than the former cause i've been down that road before and it ain't pretty.
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