[Jasmina]

In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend I was totally up for watching pornography with him. That was about 8 months ago. But then I began to think
“Hey, I do not want him to get off on some other girl; I want him to get off on me.”
I told him how I felt and he said that it was all right and that he would not watch it anymore. I was really happy about that. But then not too long ago, he told me that he saw something on T.V. It was porn. I was so shocked, he told me that he would not watch it, and yet he did. So I began to tell him how I felt (again) and he said that he wouldn’t watch it (again).

Well, he is in Sanfransisco (sp), and he told me last night that he “got the urge” and that he watched some porn. He lied to me again. I do not understand why he needs that. We are intimate, could he not think about that? I feel like what we have is not good enough, so he needs to look at that. Could he not imagine us?

I just feel so unattractive. Those girls on the porn they have nice bodies, and I don’t. It makes me feel so disgusting.

I know he loves me. I love him also, he is my everything. I just don’t understand.
He tells me not too look at other guys, or in other words, “check them out” or if there is something provocative on T.V. and there are guys, he would tell me not to go to that channel, and I don’t. So why would he do that to me? When I am so faithful to him?
I know I might be taking this way too far, but I feel like it’s almost cheating.

I guess what I am trying to say is, how can I get over this? I don’t want control him, but it just hurts. I know this may seem stupid, but please help. He is going to call me tonight, and I don’t know what to say to him. I know I should tell him how I fell, but I did that the first time he questioned me. I don’t want to repeat myself. He knows how I feel, and yet he would do that anyways. Thank you to those who have read all of this, it means the world to me.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

This is less an issue about porn as it is an issue of trust. He lied to you. Repeatedly. That's the biggest issue here. Secondary to that is whether or not he is willing to put your relationship above the porn. If not, then you should move on to someone who will respect you and not objectify women.

[LucreziaBorgia]

n the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend I was totally up for watching pornography with him. That was about 8 months ago. But then I began to think
“Hey, I do not want him to get off on some other girl; I want him to get off on me.”

What prompted this bait and switch?

Those girls on the porn they have nice bodies, and I don’t. It makes me feel so disgusting.

This is your problem to fix, not his. His stopping porn won't change your insecurity issues - it might make you feel better to know that he isn't looking at porn, but then you'll wonder if he is only stopping because you forced him to, and you'll wonder if he wishes he could watch it, and so on. Insecurity is a terrible problem in relationships. It makes problems where often they don't exist. Holding him responsible for problems that you should be fixing yourself is unfair.

how can I get over this?

Get counseling for your insecurity issues.

He lied to you because he sees the only person with a problem here is you, and he is protecting what to him has never been an issue or a big deal until you made it one. That doesn't make his lying right, but I can understand why he felt compelled to.

He has to do his part in working on this relationship. He needs to work on his honesty issues and look at what made him choose to be dishonest with you when he could have chosen to be honest. You need to do your part too: get some help with your body image and insecurity issues. I think between the two, your relationship can get to be on some better ground. The important thing here is that you are both responsible for the problems happening in this relationship, and it is up to both of you to work them out and see that they get fixed.

[Jasmina]

What made me think twice about the porn ordeal. I fell more deeply in love with him. And I began to realize why? why does he need that when supposedly he has the love of his life. I just thought about it some more. I didnt when I told him that I didnt care, I think thats what I did wrong. I need to think more before saying things.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I hope that you will take the opportunity to look into your body image problems - even if porn was not an issue here, it would still do you better to feel better about yourself in general. When you feel badly about yourself, it tends to make everything around you seem just a tad dimmer than it needs to be.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia
I hope that you will take the opportunity to look into your body image problems - even if porn was not an issue here, it would still do you better to feel better about yourself in general. When you feel badly about yourself, it tends to make everything around you seem just a tad dimmer than it needs to be.

With all due respect, I don't think this issue has anything to do with "her problems". If she is in a committed relationship she has every right to expect that her partner would not focus their sexual energy on anyone besides her.

[honeybunch2k5]

Maybe you are taking the part about porn too personally. Just because he is looking at another woman doesn't mean he wants a relationship with them or really wants to have sex with them. The porn are just there for easy sexual stimulation.

Don't worry, he finds you attractive, otherwise he would not be with you. I understand how you feel like those women are so much better looking than you, sometimes I feel the same way. My boyfriend is white and I'm black. He reads playboy and stuff, and I often wonder if he would find me more attractive if I had large breasts, blonde hair, and was skinny, but deep down I know he appreciates the way I am. Don't diss your body. I'll tell you what makes me feel better. I like to wear sexy clothes that emphasize what I like about my body and buying sexy lingerie.

The big problems here are your insecurities, his deceitfulness, and his hypocrisy.

[christina88]

gurl don't even trip on that slime ball. If he wants to get offf to other women then I say let him do it all by himself. I know u say u love him, but in actualty u don't. Ur jus insecure about the way u look and u feel that if u break up with him no one else will find u attractive and u will be alone.Well i'm here to tell u good new, u r attractive and beauty doesn't start from the outside it comes from the inside, AND YES I KNOW,I KNOW u think its bs, but it's true.Now i'm going to level with u a bit, I am a 16 yr old gurl, about 30 lbs over weight and stretch marks pretty much everywhere, and jus between me and u my, face could use some work too.But yet and still I keep getting these boyfreinds, and no it's not because i'm easy(which i'm not), but it's because of my vibrant personality,and i bet ur wondering how i know this, its simple , my ex bf's told me, once we broke up that is.And yes i know ur probably thinking that's fine and dandy but they were probably all ugly, well sweetheart i'm here to give u a revelation, not all hot guys are superficial.

[AndrewJ]

dont take ur man viewing porn as a negetive thing.

He still loves u so dont freak out.

Men are men

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken
With all due respect, I don't think this issue has anything to do with "her problems". If she is in a committed relationship she has every right to expect that her partner would not focus their sexual energy on anyone besides her.

Those girls on the porn they have nice bodies, and I don’t. It makes me feel so disgusting.

Someone who is disgusted by her own body, or allows external things to make her feel disgusted by her own body has self esteem problems and body image problems.

If someone has self esteem problems and body image problems, they will find outlets in some form or other. In this case, they found an outlet in porn. If the porn stops, the insecurity issues will find other outlets.

Treating the symptoms of self esteem problems will do no good in a relationship. Curing the self esteem problem will.

That is the part that she has to work on. Her boyfriend has his own parts in this to work on too. Placing the blame squarely on one partner or other, when both have factors contributing to the dysfunction will not solve any problems, nor will it get a relationship back to a functional state.

[Moai]

Stop comparing your body to those in porn. Most of the women in porn are surgically enhanced (though not all) and people with bodies like that are extremely rare IRL. That's part of the thing, it's a fantasy. Beyond that, just walking around he is going to see women that are prettier, taller, have bigger (or smaller) breasts or whatever than you. So what? He is dating YOU, so he must not think that your appearance is too shabby. In fact, I'll bet he thinks that you are pretty hot.

What about the bodies on women in mainstream films? They have pretty amazing bodies, and usually they are prettier than the women in porn (not always though). Is it ok if he watched an Angelina Jolie movie, for example? I'll bet he doesn't look like some of the male movie stars that you find attractive, does he?

The only time you should worry about porn is if he'd rather watch porn than actually sleep with you, which doesn't sound like the case. Besides, he was in another town, got horny, so he watched porn instead of cheating on you. Doesn't sound like a slimeball move to me.

You know, the world would be a much better place if we allowed for people to have their own idiosyncrasies. Men are more voyeuristic than women. Big deal. He likes to watch other people have sex. Big deal. He is watching videos, right? I mean, people aren't coming over to his house to have sex in front of him or anything, are they? He isn't touching anyone else, is he?

That said, just because I and most men don't think porn is a big deal doesn't mean you have to feel that way. I mean, I am not into BSDM and if I was dating a woman who just had to have that sort of thing, I'd have to leave. If you can't get past the porn, then leave. I think it'll be difficult to find a guy who doesn't watch porn at least occasionally, though. Every guy I know watches it.

[Moai]

Originally posted by Jasmina
He tells me not too look at other guys, or in other words, “check them out” or if there is something provocative on T.V. and there are guys, he would tell me not to go to that channel, and I don’t. So why would he do that to me? When I am so faithful to him?
I know I might be taking this way too far, but I feel like it’s almost cheating.

I forgot about this part of the post. If he can watch porn but you can't look at attractive men, then he is a hypocrite, and you should tell him so. Why is he so insecure that you can't appreciate beauty in other people? It sounds like he has self-image issues, too, so maybe you both should focus on that and not the symptoms.

I think that maybe he does this to you because he is controlling, also. I am no psychiatrist, though, so what do I know.

[Jasmina]

Thank you all for replying. I think everything is going to be all right. I told him that I couldn’t deal with this, and that it is either me, or the porn. Guess what one he picked. We love each other and if one of us does not like something that the other person is doing, we will confront each other about it.

I just love him so much. I tried to think about other guys to see where he was coming from, and I could not do it. Or I thought about other guys, but pretended like it was him. I just could not do it at all, and to think that he can...it hurts.

I know I have some insecurities and he notices that too, and he is going to try to help me. And I am going to get sexy things for him. He LOVES my butt, so maybe I can get some more lacy boy shorts and thongs.

I mean, I guess I am not all that bad. It’s just I feel like I could improve, but hey, doesn’t everyone? I am going to try my hardest to get over some of my insecurities.

Hopefully he is honest in the fact that he picked you over the porn. Meaning I hope that now he knows how you feel I hope he doesn't start hiding it. Sometimes, not all the time, but people wont just stop something they enjoy doing, they will just get better at hiding it. I'm not saying he will or he wont, hopefully for the sake of your relationship he wont start it back up.

[kara]

I was also all pro-porn before I married my husband. However recently he seems disinterested and not sexully active as he was before and I asked him to stop the porn. He also lied several times and is now on the "cutting it down" strategy... which I have no choise bu to accept. Afterall I have no control over his actions and he can tell me all he wants. I feel he doesn't make love to me, he is not there or just things have changed and he's become so... distant. I guess what I am trying to say is that porn is just a symptom, look at the cause of his behavior- is it a habit, an escape or is he somehow being passive agressive with you. I think mine is being all three and I am bloody marrie dto the freaking idiot.... Makes me sick.