About two years ago, I was in basic training for the army reserves. I had a boyfriend whom I had been with for six months before I left. While I was away, he took a trip to Cancun and got really drunk and kissed two girls at the same time and there was a picture taken. He had no idea that it happened until we went to get the pictures developed at my basic training graduation. He felt really bad for it especially since he didn't remember. Before we really got a chance to talke about it he had to leave.
During the last part part of my training we were allowed to go out to clubs and stay at hotels on the weekends. For some reason I started to act really different and dressed up every weekend and went to clubs and got drunk and stayed in hotel rooms with other guys. And one night, I got drunk and another guy tried to kiss me and I backed away at firdt, but then he tried to do it again and I just let it happen, but after I pushed him away, I instantly thought of my boyfriend. A few weeks later, I was out at a resteraunt with some friends and I had a few drinks and needed a ride home. So a friend of a friend offered to take me back to my hotel room.
He was supposed to just drop me off, but he asked to use the bathroom. So I let him in. When he came out, I went to show him out, but he shut the door and locked it, and turned off the light. He then tried to kiss me and I backed off. Then he pushed me on the bed and without any further detail, he raped me. After it was finally over, he just got up and left, and I was in such shock, that I put my clothes back on and cried myself to sleep. I never told anyone except the police when I filed the report.
Six months after I got home, I told my boyfriend that someone tried to rape me. I thought it would make me feel better without hurting him too much because for some reason he kept asking me if anything happened over there and I kept denying it. Well, now it's two years later and he finally asked and I gave in and told him everything. No he says that he will be my friend but we will never have a relationship again because I put myself in danger so many times and that I didn't act as if I loved him since I lied to him this whole time. But the reason I lied is because I was afraid of this, I am so afraid of losing him.
Last edited by Athena21; 6th July 2005 at 2:13 PM..
Wow. Tough situation. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you.
I guess all I can say is that a man who really loved you would work through this with you. I don't know what the two years in between was like between you, but the stuff that happened at the start of all this doesn't really bode well for a healthy, mutually trusting relationship.
Does he even believe you? Can you get the police report?
He didn't dump me because I was raped, he dumped me because I lied to him for three years about going out and putting myself in danger. He believes me, but he wants the police report because he wants to help me. He is going to go to counseling with me after I go a couple of times by myself. I hope that it helps our relationship because this has really shown me how much we really love each other.
I'm going to play the other side of this and agree with your bf that if were "putting yourself out there" by going out, getting drunk, and hanging out in guy's hotel rooms. It wasn't your fault that it happened, but you weren't exactly protecting yourself either. Then again, the whole him kissing 2 girls wasn't that great of him either. There was obviously a lot of disloyalty on both of your parts and you shouldn't be in a relationship with each other. The damage is done.
Since the incident of his kissing those girls, he has been completely loyal and honest. And since I was raped, I have been completely faithful and haven't acted that way since. I have been completely honest about everything else but this situation because it was so hard for me to even think about.
I just want to know if breaking up is the right thing to do, because at this point he is swaying back and forth on whether or not we should be together. He says that if it never happened we would have been perfect.
Dear Athena, this jerk made you feel bad for being a victim of a heavy crime. You're as much guilty as you would be if someone shot you for no reason. Even if you were drunk or dressed up, you were raped! It takes years to get rid of the feeling of guilt and this guy simply dumps you after 2.5 years because he accuses you of some bulkrap (I don't even get what he accuses you for).
I was molested by my step-father when I was 12-14. I've told this to all the people I care about and everyone was completely on my side. This thing will never vanish from my head and soul and I could never be around anyone who would try to make me feel guilty about being a victim of such a terrible crime.
Obviously we put ourselves in danger all the time. We make mistakes, we're naive, and often stupid. What's that got to do with your love for him after 2 years?
You acted like that because you wanted a revenge for his kisses with other girls. Admit that you were mean to yourself at that time. It's very important to be honest with yourself so that you're clearly aware of where your guilt stops and someone else's begins. Your BF feels indirectly guilty (if you have told him what you wrote in the introduction of your post) so he wants to put the blame on you. But you also want to put the blame on him. There is only one person who is guilty of this crime and that's neither you or your BF.
He might want to return to you when he figures out that he made a mistake. Don't take him back unless he admits he was an idiot and apologizes.
I agree. Just because you may have been going out and having fun, a bit of flirting etc, does NOT mean you deserved to be raped. I can sort of understand why he is upset though - He wanted you to be able to share this all with him so he could help you through it. If he's going to stick by you though and help you with your counselling, that's a good sign. Just don't push things and see how it goes. NEVER blame yourself for what happened to you though.
I only blame myself for lying to him for so long and for putting myself into situations that could have easily been avoided. He is trying very hard to be supportive. It hurts so much to see this man that has only cried infront of me twice (once when I was leaving for basic training and the other when his grandpa was in the ICU) to cry so often because of me. He has been telling me that he will always be there for me and he is just hurt because I put myself in danger when he told me to be safe, not because I kissed someone else or because I was raped. I have a feeling that although we will have to be friends for a while, that we will eventually end up together, we always do. I just wanted some reasoning as to whether or not breaking up is the right thing to do when we were serious enough to be talking about marriage.
Give him time. You have known about the rape for 2 years - this is new to him.
It's very painful for a guy to hear about his gf's rape or sexual molestation. We're supposed to be there for our girls and we have a strong instinct to protect them, so this hits hard.
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That is not me in the photo. Nor is it my ass
I think that time will heal this especially since he has told me that he feels partially responsible for not being able to protect me from that type of situation and that is why is has been so difficult for him. I told him about this on Monday, and Tuesday night, he asked me to come over to go for a walk. It started out as us just talking about everything that is going on, but we ended up having very passionate sex. Afterward, he said that we shouldn't have done that because it felt like he was having sex with another person. Then, yesterday, he asked me to come over for dinner. It started out pretty much that same way as the day before. We talked about things, then we bagan to put it out of our minds and had a really good time together like nothing ever happened. We had sex again and after he acted the same as before. He keeps saying that he is trying really hard to not think about it but when we showered after, he just began to cry and told me that no one will ever hurt me again as long as he is alive. But then, he says that we aren't together. He is not using me for sex because he isn't the type of person that could do that. And he keeps saying that I am not the same person anymore. I just don't know where this is going I just hope that I am right in thinking that time will heal all.
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Please give me some advice on a rape situation
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