Ok..All that I have talked about in most of my past posts is how happy I am with my relationship, and I am..BUT..
Last night we were getting ready for bed, after a bad night with each other, we just couldnt seem to get on the same page about anything but it ended up a decent ending I suppose. But I just said, I feel like things are falling apart and I feel as if its my fault or I am doing something to create that..
He asked me to explain myself and I did, and then I told him..You dont compliment me, you dont act like you are attracted to me, and that makes me feel as if I am unattractive..Yes I do have self confidence, but this is something different..
And then he said something that will forever be in my head, he said Im not attracted to you all the time like you are me, and that killed me, I started crying and thanked him for making my feelings worse and just killing any comfortable feelings that I had with him..Its a scary thing..
And I asked him to explain, ok well before I get into that I guess this is what its about, I am NOT a perfect size 2, I have some meat on my bones and I am fine with myself, this is me..take it or leave it, this is what you get if you dont like it then move on..its pretty simple..
Well he said that when he closes his eyes and thinks about the person that he thinks that he is supposed to be with forever looks wise, he sees someone who is smaller than him. Which is understandable, I get that. And then he said but since everything else about you is perfect to me, I just put that on the back burner..Which kind of made me feel different when he touched me or kissed me, it made me feel as if its just a touch, because he is not attracted me.
He touched my face and told me that he fell in love with me for me, not for my looks and that he thinks that I am beautiful but that still doesnt make up for what he had just told me..All I could do was put my hands to my face and cry, it hurt me..
I told him and have told him in the past that I dont care what it takes, or what I have to do I would do anything to make or see him happy, and I told him this is me, Im sorry that im not what you wanted but I will change my physical apperence. And thats not to get him to love me anymore or to get him to be more attacted to me, that is me doing something that I feel will better this relationship.
I remember always telling myself that I would NEVER change for a guy, but when love takes over, it makes you do things you never thought you would do or could do.
I dont know what to do about getting the comfortable feeling back with him, like walking around in his tshirt before bed and him seeing me, or us taking a shower together, or him seeing me change or whatever it just feels weird now, because now i know what he really thinks..
Him and I have never shared tears together, I have never seen him cry until last night when he knew he hurt me. And now he feels as if he ruined a perfectly good relationship. And thats not the case, its not ruined, its just changed...
There's a film, and I can't remember which one it is - but in one scene, a girl (Bridget Fonda plays her I think) asks her boyfriend "do you wish my boobs were bigger." He pauses, then answers with a slight smile, "sometimes."
What your boyfriend said was insensitive and unkind, and I think he's got some making up to do for that. I'm sure that next time he's in the mood for rampant sex, however, he'll genuinely feel like you're the hottest woman on the planet. Most men probably imagine themselves with a supermodel type, but have the good sense to fall in love with the girl next door.
Originally posted by lindya
Most men probably imagine themselves with a supermodel type, but have the good sense to fall in love with the girl next door.
Actually, half the time we're deluded into thinking the girl we're with really IS a supermodel type... just call it the positive effect of male hormones
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Quote:
Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo
Actually, half the time we're deluded into thinking the girl we're with really IS a supermodel type... just call it the positive effect of male hormones
Gosh, I think that's kind of nice actually...
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Don't be mad at me when I'm mad at you.
That is a very tough situation to be in. And there is no easy solution. What is said, is said - and you can't take these things back as you please. You both have to live with the consequences, and of course work on your relationship.
The best motivations, are motivations that come from one-self. If you feel that you have too much meat on your bones, you can do something about it. But never have the illusion that all your problems with your bf would disappear because of that.
If he would have an issue with your nagging for instance, and you don't learn to communicate in a more constructive fashion, you will build up anger and such, as you cannot find an adequate expression for your feelings and thoughts. You may not nag then, but there is still tension present in the relationship.
Bottom line is, that you will have to be careful what to change, as the whole relationship dynamic might change. What seems innocent at first, might lead to you doing all the work in the relationship.
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Doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths. - Molière
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Adorno
I wouldn't dwell on this to much if I were you. He said something that hurt you and he probably wishes that he never said it but would you rather he lie about his love for you? He told you he loves you for you and that is the highest compliment someone can give another human being. If he was only in it for the looks you would be mad that he doesn't like you for your mind. Sometimes we let something that was said make a crack in our armor and the crack grows until we have a gaping hole. His love for you is not less because you are larger than the ideal women he imagined him being with. You could turn the tables on him and tell him he is not the ideal guy you thought of in your dreams either. It works both ways.
All I'm saying is don't make this into a huge row. You know he thinks your sexy so go with that and be comfortable in your relationship. You have him and he has you; Isn't this enough?
actually you gotta appreciate your bf for being so honest and blunt. wouldn't you rather know this kind of information now, then let's say a few years down the line if you got married? trust me the man of your dreams will think your beautiful anytime of the day no matter what condition your in.
Oh dont get me wrong, I do appricate that he was so honest and that he was able to tell me something that has been on his mind from the start. And that is what I have asked from him to just be totally honest with me and never lead me in the wrong direction, and he hasnt.
But just because he was honest and able to tell me still doesnt take back the fact that I am/was hurt by what he had to say. He told me yesterday he can see it in my face that he hurt me just because I feel as if when he looks at me, he doesnt see what I thought he always seen, now when he looks at me I know that hes not attracted to what he sees and that is what hurts.
I moved 10 hours 800 miles away from everything I know to be with this guy, all for him to tell me that hes not attracted to me physically. Its just like a hit to the heart. Its hard to hear someone that you love tell you that your looks arent what they want them to be. And just like I told him, I WILL NOT change my weight just because he is unhappy with it, I want to do it for me. But it has taken me this long to finally be comfortable with myself and Im not going to let a guy rip that away from me, and I am happy with myself..
And I dont think by loosing weight that it will take away any or all of the problems that we might or might not have, but I do know that by loosing the weight that he will start to see me in a way that he hasnt before, and that is attractive.
All I want is for him and I to be happy, and just like I told him yesterday..I feel as if I am too focused on making sure hes happy rather than making sure I am happy. And that is something he agreed with me on, I think thats why I feel the way I do right now because I feel as if I have made him such a huge part of my heart and he just ripped it from my chest..
Its something we will just have to work on and keep talking about it I suppose..
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