Hi All

Last post was about MM that could not commit to a future with me AND could not promise that he would sign the divorce papers.

New twist in the story today, is that he is OK with the divorce, in fact urging his W along.
Claims to still be madly in love with me, BUT he cannot say I am part of his future. His reasons?

1. He may not be able to provide financially what he thinks I would like to have in life, and he thinks I deserve better ... Why this is an issue I do not know, as I own my own home and have always provided very well for myself and my daughter. Yes, he would not be financially able to "enhance" (for lack of a better word) my life, but it is not an issue for me.
2. He will have to dance to my tune as I am controlling. (???). I do not agree and I think any man I have had a relationship with would not agree either. What I AM, is independent and strong-willed.


We have had NC outside of work for quite some time, his choice mostly.

I am so hurt and angry that I was prepared to face alot of judgement and criticism to be with him, yet now he sugar-coats this as a "you deserve better".

Is he letting me down easy?
Has he met someone else (doubtful)?
Did he USE me to get the W fed up enough to get a divorce?!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Is he letting me down easy?
Has he met someone else (doubtful)?
Did he USE me to get the W fed up enough to get a divorce?!!

I've seen this same scenario time and time again with family and friends. Since I've never been "in" this situation myself, I can only respond as a careful observer and interpret what's been told to me.

The problem with affairs, is that they are often only a temporary plug for a sinking marriage when the cheater is too frightened (or stubborn) to jump ship. As long as the cheater has two passengers employed to meet their demands he/she is happy to stay just where they're at. One is in the marital boat helping to bail out the water (unsuspecting spouse), while the other (affair partner) is left outside, treading the relationship waters, trying desperately to meet their captains needs by plugging the holes with their thumbs.

Eventually, someone gets tired and gives up. The marital boat takes on water and begins to sink. The captain, concerned with keeping only his own head above water, is forced to abandon ship and doggy-paddles like hell to the nearest shore. Upon surveying the damage, Captain realizes it was a lost cause anyway, and is somewhat relived that he/she survived the ordeal. Not only did he/she finally learn to swim on their own, but they are now free of all responsibility. However, having lost the marital boat, the captain no longer needs to employ either shipmate.

In short, both spouse and affair partner have lost their jobs while Cheater gets to go off alone to find a better boat and a more reliable crew.

Ahoy, Matey!

While I know this is very painful for you, one day you will realize that you're much better off. Quite frankly, your cowardly captain sucked. No calm sea ever produced a good mariner. And given the hard lesson that you've learned, I'm confident that you'll be better prepared when it comes to navigating your own life and relationships in the future.

I am so hurt and angry that I was prepared to face alot of judgement and criticism to be with him, yet now he sugar-coats this as a "you deserve better".

YOU DO! So why is your self esteem so low that can't you believe that??

[whichwayisup]

Is he letting me down easy?
Has he met someone else (doubtful)?
Did he USE me to get the W fed up enough to get a divorce?!!

Sounds like to me is, the D will still happen and he doesn't want any relationship right now...Maybe when he gets time alone he'll come back but he doesn't feel the need to commit to another relationship so fast.

He may want to see what else is out there. I don't know. Just shield your heart and dont' take any bullcrap from him!

[newbby]

tell him you cannot stand to be with somebody soo controlling that he wants to make decisions on your behalf of what you require from a relationship,
then never speak to him again
((hugs))

[StillHurtin]

Sounds like the lines my H used on me when he wanted a D and started having an A w/ a co-worker. He said I deserved better, he couldn't give me what I needed/wanted financially, blah, blah, blah. So he D me and had an A w/ the OW. That didn't last long though and he was crawling back to me.

This sounds like what went on between H and I, and the OW:


The problem with affairs, is that they are often only a temporary plug for a sinking marriage when the cheater is too frightened (or stubborn) to jump ship. As long as the cheater has two passengers employed to meet their demands he/she is happy to stay just where they're at. One is in the marital boat helping to bail out the water (unsuspecting spouse), while the other (affair partner) is left outside, treading the relationship waters, trying desperately to meet their captains needs by plugging the holes with their thumbs.

Great way to put it Enigma.

He doesn't seem to know what he wants right now. Slow down and take it one day at a time. If and when he decides to end the M and start seeing you he will find you.

Thank you all for your feedback.

I can accept him not wanting to commit immediately after a D, what I cannot accept is that he wont be honest about it.

StillHurtin - I may not be waiting, if he does come looking.

[jj003]

Originally posted by TiredOfWaiting
Thank you all for your feedback.

I can accept him not wanting to commit immediately after a D, what I cannot accept is that he wont be honest about it.

StillHurtin - I may not be waiting, if he does come looking.

He may not know what he wants...give him time

[New_Wife]

I hate to say this - but it seems to me that this man's modus operandi revolves around lack of honesty. You are just the latest casualty.

In each of the threads I've read here, in the OW forums, my heart breaks for the ladies that don't demand more. The wives and the other women.

I don't care who you are or what you've done - you deserve better than this sort of crap. I hope you find it.