[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Hello. I have found myself in quite a mess, and yes I know I brought it on myself. I had been dating this guy for almost 4 years, and I just broke it off with him the other day. It was a long time coming- there was no spark between us and we weren't intimate for about 2 years. I knew I wouldn't marry him, and I also knew he'd never ask. We were staying together because it was comfortable and perhaps we love each other (even still), but certainly we weren't "in love."

Well, a year ago I started grad school and met this guy. At first I didn't think anything of him but as the semesters rolled by, and we continued having classes together, I developed a crush. I mentioned once last summer that I had a boyfriend but he left out the part that he has a girlfriend 1000 miles away. He finally told me a few months back that he does have a girlfriend, who he said he's very in love with, and that he's never had these feelings for a woman before (still referring to the gf). I told him that was ok, because I still had a boyfriend. I just wanted to take him around town to show him the city because he doesn't have any friends here with whom he hangs out. At this point it was still a lukewarm crush. We began to hang out once a week after class, which developed into emailing a couple times a week which became emailing/chatting daily for hours each evening. Before I knew it, it was full-fledged emotional affair. You can see why I broke it off with my original boyfriend- obviously this was not fair to him. I can't waste any more of my 20s dating a guy with whom I have no future.

So anyway, my crush and I now are spending 3-4 nights a week together, so I guess the next part was inevitable. The emotional affair turned into a physical one. No sex, but he gave me a massage, cuddled with me for hours, told me "this just feels right", and a kiss. I feel horrible for his girlfriend. He doesn't know if he will tell her or not, and I am in no place to give him my opinion. I would like nothing more than to be with this guy, however, if he does love his girlfriend like he told me, then I wouldn't want him to tell her and then she break up with him. I want him to be happy, and if that means with her, then so be it.

I know to someone outside of this situation, it looks like he's a rat... well it looks like I'm a rat also. I didn't ask to fall for this guy- it just happened over time. He and I have so much in common- same degree, etc... He's like the male version of me. I really don't think he's a bad guy though. I am usually a pretty good judge of character- I think he's confused as to what/who he wants to be with (although I guess not that confused since he told me he's committed to his girlfriend). I told him I didn't want to lose him, and he said that I haven't lost him and in fact, we're closer than ever and what we shared Monday night was an expression of how he feels about me that he cannot put into words.

Am I being blind-sighted? I know you'll all probably tell me to run away from this guy....