[chaos70]

First off, I wanted to say that I've gained much information just reading alot of the threads here. I wanted to get some advice myself in trying to sort through my own confusion and mixed emotions. There is a considerable amount to mention, but I wanted to stay in the present for now.

We moved to the west coast to start a new life. In order to do that, she accepted a transfer and moved out first. I stayed back in the south to pad the bank account, get all off the stuff packed, and pay off a chunk of the debts. That took 4 months. My own reasons to move beside to be with my wife was to get away from my job which had left me completely burned out. We both agreed that I would take some time off to heal myself before starting the search. So after selling my own stuff, paying for all the costs to get the remainder of my stuff out there, and sell my own truck, we made it out at the start of the year.

I knew it would be tough with her reduced income from my own comfortable one. But when I got out here, I was at a low place. I sent off tons of resumes and got no responses. Combined with having no friends, and even difficult to relate to the difference in attitudes out here, and a significant change in her...I felt so alone. The changes in her were the hardest to deal with. She has a chronic illness that kept her on heavy (hardcore) medication. But she was suddenly off it and seemingly better, but not around me. She wanted to go out all the time, but I was against it because we were already living beyond our means. She made me feel that I was giving her the attention and love I should be. Maybe I should have done more, but we both agreed that we would have to make sacrifices to get the life we wanted.

3 months after I had been here, she told me to leave if I hated here so much. She said that I was intentionally sabotaging our lives by not looking for work and staying with the PT job I had so that we would have to move back. I told her exactly my issues and that I was sorry for making her feel that I was neglecting her.

Then things went looney from there. She told me she need to go out with coworkers to promote herself at work for drinks. She did invite me, but I felt that we would be spending too much of what little we had. If she had to, then I told her to go ahead and not feel guilty. Then she started staying later and later out. One weekend she called me and said she peed her pants and she through them out and walked to her office downtown bottomless. I came with a clean pair and picked her up without one negative word. The next weekend she went out and she said she was staying out at a coworkers (female) place for the night even though I offered to come get her.

I was angry and hurt then, but even looked past it as I bought her flowers thinking that this all was partly my fault for not being able to show her the attention she desired. It happened again, and then I lashed out in anger and frustration at the whole thing. She wanted me out, and that the last 7 years of relationship was bad and we shouldn't even bother trying to fix things. She wouldn't even agree to see a counselor.

I won't deny that I've had my fair share of issues, but I left after she didn't. She told me to take her dog, and to leave town to go back home. She didn't know if she would be ready to reconcile for months or even years. All our friends were shocked to say the least and they each told me to stay with them. My sister insists for me to stay with her and borrow whatever money to get me on my feet.

I'm still in love with her. I want to work on things to resolve t, but at the same time cannot ignore all the things she has done to me. I'm on limited funds and still want to pursue the career dreams I came out here for....but just can't afford to stay on my own. So I'm staying with the only friend I've made out here renting their basement apartment out, trying to figure out what my own timeline is. All the while still interviewing hoping that I will find the work that would keep me out here.

And that has been 30 days ago. I'm heartbroken, I got all my stuff what little is left. All the married stuff we had, I left with her, and I'm waiting on the tags for her car since I sold mine to leave.

There is so much more in the past that would like to share because I don't want to paint the picture that I'm totally innocent. But even our closest friends say to come home and don't take her back. Sigh.

[chaos70]

I guess nobody has any feedback?

[Craig]

Chaos, what kind of "hardcore medication" was she on and what kind of illness did she take the meds for?

[chaos70]

methadone for pain management.
lupus.

[chaos70]

I guess I didn't really allude to what I'm trying to understand. I've never been the one to quit on anything, maybe to a fault where once should know when to jump off the sinking ship so to speak.

I see what has happened until now as a war of attrition. We both started feeling that the other wasn't meeting a need and rather than creating an environment where we could share those without feeling attacked...we either created a negative situation or held it in/acted out on each other.

I'm not really for divorce at all, but I have to wonder even if I'm ready to seek counseling...and she isn't....should I wait for her or terminate the marriage. This past month has been so difficult to manage without her (combined with the stress of job hunting, new surroundings yet again, and very few friends nearby to share my pain). I find myself switching positions on the hour on whether I want to make a supreme effort to reconcile or should I just walk away.

[rue]

hey chaos70
just wanted to offer my support. I know it is very difficult for you right know but take time for yourself, you can't control anything your partner does but you can take care of yourself----counseling sounds good---- I have never regreted going. Be good to yourself, you deserve it.

[westernxer]

Relocating without any leads is a risk indeed...

It'll be a miracle if your marriage survives the stress this has created, but it's not impossible. What type of work are you looking for?

[Israfil]

From what I know about methadone, its primary application is in heroine addicts. Is she a recovering heroine addict?

In response your questions, I really think you should give it some time before you make any decisions. It is obvious that you are not of one mind yet. And it might be beneficial for reconciliation for you to both have some space.

I feel for ya, I really do. You have friends here, on this forum. Vent away.

[westernxer]

She suffers from lupus, and from not having any money.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by Israfil
In response your questions, I really think you should give it some time before you make any decisions. It is obvious that you are not of one mind yet. And it might be beneficial for reconciliation for you to both have some space.

I also agree with this advice. Everything's still so fresh and you're probably going through an emotional roller coaster. My only advice would to find a lawyer and a therapist.

For the lawyer, dont initiate the divorce just yet, but at least find out your legal rights. You can see a lawyer for an initial consultation. If she's the only one working, then you might be entitled to alimony. You're also entitled to half the assets and stuff. You need to know your legal rights before you start agreeing things with your wife, and if she's really adamant about the divorce, you want to be prepared.

The therapist can help you with your feelings. She might even give you some insight into your wife's actions, and help you figure out a way to reconcile or to move forward. They might also be able to help you figure out if you really want to stay in the city or leave, and offer you suggestions on how to accomplish it.

The only thing that I've learned so far, you cant force someone to stay with you. You have to respect their decision. If you think there's a way to talk with your wife and figure out how to fix the problems then by all means continue talking. If her reasons for leaving is something that you've done, and it's something you can fix, then seek help to fix it. But do not beg, plead, guilt her into staying. It'll only push her further away. If your talks are productive, then continue with it. You can find plenty of divorce/seperation self help books. I'd start with those. It'll atleast give you some peace of mind that you're not crazy.

[chaos70]

Thanks guys for the pep talk.
Methadone can be used to act as a pain management substitute for heroin, though she wasn't on H. It was prescribed to manage all the chronic pain she was in. She managed to ween herself off it recent by reducing the dosage to the point where she was able to quit it, but did go through the withdraw effect which I helped her through.

If anyone knows of a company looking for a database marketing guy, let me know. Though at this point, I'm probably give it up in order to find quick work. I can't work PT/go on interviews and be able to support myself with bills coming and the cost of pending divorce. My kid sister has offered to come take me back to Atlanta to stay with her. But the part of me that came to Seattle for my own career dreams wants to give it a bit more time so that I wouldn't leave regretting not giving it the 110% effort to pursue it. I figure I can go one more month before I can say I gave it my shot. The problem being though that this all has evaporated my self-confidence.

It just seems that we had so many obstacles to overcome to even get here only to see it fall apart like this:
- Mixed culture marriages (actually two different ones in the same day)
- My family not really accepting her
- Her parent's divorce
- Her own search for who she was...and back to that one again in present day
- My issues with my parents and the lack of emotional support I got from them.
- Medical bills

It had just seem we got past all that just to be told "I don't think it will work out between us." I even told her that I felt used. She used my strength, finances, and support to make it out here...and she cut me loose when she was able to stand on her own two feet...leaving me at the time where I need the support the most. I think I realized it was all crazy when she even told me to take the dog, who she loved and adored like a baby but left me to care for it all the time.

My friends are all shellshocked to say the least, some have even mentioned coming up here and give her a good talking to...but I think at this point...what's the point? If her best friend tells me I should come home to stay with her and her husband and to not take her back ever...I need to face the facts. Part of me wants to give in to the anger I have (not abusively) but all I feel is sorry for her. I feel I should be after giving up a great job (which I can't get back at fulltime now), everything we had, and moving clear across the country to be shoved out after 3 months of looking for that dream job as she promised. But in the end, I realize that was yet another commitment she broke to me...time and time again...and I can only blame lupus so much.

For me, I'm see alimony as something that would drag on this pain even longer than I could bear. Maybe me asking for the divorce so soon after all this is a mistake and I should wait longer to see how this goes. But that lies the eternal questions I've been asking myself. Could I forgive her after being turned away in my own time of need...when I need support that few have ever given me? To me that is a deep seated thing considering my parents never did. They wrote a check for me to go to school. I see that in some of my past relationships as well. I've tried to maintain composure throughout this, but it just seems that either I'm setting myself for future heartache.

But you all are right, it's time I started to look out for #1...my beagle...and then me. Never been a dog person, but this dog has shown me unconditional love regardless of anything...and W admits that the dog loves me more than her. I guess I should hold on to her at all costs...as dirt poor as I am now.

[chaos70]

Alright after much reading, and must thinking...I'm faced with really two choices.

After the time period of our "trial seperation" in August, do I want to salvage the marriage or end it. And seem to flipflop back and forth on it. So I guess I'll have some sort of epiphany where I will know what it will be. Unfortunately, I need to figure out what the status is on our car (hers) in order for me to move. Kinda of wish now I didn't sell my Rodeo. I'm beginning to wonder as if this "tag" situation is her trying to control me (or punish me) or is if there is really such an impossibility of getting the title information from her credit card company in order to get the tags done. I'm also thinking that the MIL is somehow a factor in this (since it is under her name).

*laughs* A piece of me wants to leave the damn car behind for her to take care of and me just renting car to drive back.

I'd like to hear both sides of the coin though...those who did do the seperation thing and decided to patch their marriage...and those who opted to end it. I guess the one thing I've noticed here (could be wrong) is more of a tendency to say "leave that person". For me, I've always considered marriage as a long term commitment and I think that's what is tripping me up.

[Ladyjane14]

The recurrent theme in your decision-making process seems to be in the logistics of separation.....who has what car to drive?, how to make the rent?, how to pay for the move if you go back to Atlanta?.... You know, financial stuff like that.

Maybe you're better off putting these matters aside for awhile.

These are small-picture items when compared to the BIG PICTURE. Practical.....you betcha. But small potatoes nonetheless when you speak in terms of the investment of time.

I've been married for over 20 years. And buddy....does it ever go by FAST!!!

Even marital relationships that are loving and fulfilling for the most part, have their rocky moments. These are surmountable. You may have just hit a rough patch....or, it may be that your relationship was a mismatch from the very beginning. You and your wife are the best and ONLY judges of that.

But if your decisions are hinged in practicalities, you are wasting your God-given time. It's not what love is about. True love is more to do with your feelings for your mate. You could be "birds of the field", and not know where your next meal was coming from. But still you would stay together....because you are family.

I've been through good times and bad in my marriage. And yes, I've thought about leaving from time to time. But in the end, leaving my husband would've been like abandoning one of my kids in the grocery store.....inconceivable. He's my family.

Is your wife your family? THAT's the BIG PICTURE.

It's okay to say "no" if your feelings aren't really there. It saves time for both of you....and time is PRECIOUS.

But if she's in your heart, and she's your family through thick and thin....get in the game, and fight for your marriage.

It's all simple, when you remove the clutter.

[chaos70]

Good points mentioned. Thanks for the words.

I guess I need to play the waiting game at this point and see if she changes her mind come August or sooner. She knows that I want to work it out. If by then if things haven't changed, I can say I did all that I can and I need to move on with my life.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14
I've been through good times and bad in my marriage. And yes, I've thought about leaving from time to time. But in the end, leaving my husband would've been like abandoning one of my kids in the grocery store.....inconceivable. He's my family.

Is your wife your family? THAT's the BIG PICTURE.

Unfortunately, I believe it is his wife who's opting for the divorce. He's just trying to prepare himself for the outcome. This is all good if there's something that you can do to "fight" for your marriage. But when the wayward spouse leaves, and you've said/done everything you possibly can, I dont think there's much else you can do. (If there is, I'm definitely open to suggestions). You can wait. But that doesnt heal you, and causes a LOT of pain. I do recommend not making any plans until you're emotions are more stable, but do be prepared.

When my stbxh left in Feb, everyone started to panic. My parents were ready to move me out of the house, my stbxh wanted things settled right then and there. It was insane. Once I saw the lawyer, and found out he cant kick me out of the house, there's NO NEED for me to move anytime soon, things calmed down. I definitely have a better perspective on what's happening than I did in Feb. You do NOT want to make any decisions during that insane time. I felt I was in panic, fighting for my life, and I'm glad I didnt do anything, because I wouldnt have been able to think rationally.

Be prepared, heal yourself, and pray.