[BigB]

As some of you know, I haven't been in a relationship or done any dating in about 6 years. I'm 26.

Last week I put some profiles online, and started browsing some profiles of the women that are on the same sites.

Anyway, I'm starting to notice that without realizing it I've gotten to the age that some of the women in my age groups have kids, or are divorced.

kinda weirded me out... I hadn't thought about dating someone with kids before, and I don't really know what challenges come along with that. I'm not against it, but I'm a little apprehensive.

So, what are the pro's/con's of dating someone with kids? Same question for someone who is divorced?

good things, bad things, baggage, issues, weirdness, babies daddies, throw it at me.

(yes, I know I'm over-thinking everything, that's what I do best )

I'm a 26 year old female and I wouldn't want to date someone with kids. Being divorced is fine, but no children. I dated a 29 year old man who had a child out of wedlock. He worked during the weekdays then had to take care of his 5 year old daughter on the weekends. Bleh! First, I wasn't happy that he met face to face with his ex-lover every single week. Second, he was at his baby's mother's beck and call, and proved that if *I* ever had his child, I'd be in a constant tugofwar with his ex-lover. Third, I felt like the daughter was stealing all his weekends. Fourth, whenever he talked about his daughter, I just couldn't get enthused because she wasn't mine. The daughter's appearance, behavior, and overall presence was a reflection of his ex-lover and I felt very unhappy about it. Fifth, I didn't see the point of dating a man who constantly favoured some other woman's kid over me. If *I* ever got pregnant with his child I felt that I would be left in the cold with no protection because he'd be too busy protecting his daughter. If a man is going to dote that kind of attention on a kid, the child would better be mine OR a chlid that we decided to adopt together. Not one that belongs to an ex-lover. Just my opinion.

[soccorsilly]

This is from another guy's (I am divorced dad of three kids and have seen some issues with non kidded women) perspective but it might apply to you:

Kids:

1. You need to know, and truly understand that they will come FIRST. (that was a period at the end of the sentence) They will have school events, sports, birthdays, and so forth and mom will always put them first.

2. Do not expect to meet them right away. They have lost their dad (in a sense) and there is no sense in building a relationship with the kids only to shooth them down if it does not work. If she pushes for meeting them right away, you might do well to tell her to wait a bit.

3. You probably won't have as much intimate time as you like. See number 2 above. I also will not let a girlfriend spend the night when my kids are around. There may be some flexibility if the kid is VERY young.

4. You need to remember that the kid's dad will ALWAYS be the kid's dad and (I guess if he chooses) will always be a part of their lives--so if you are the jealous type, this might be an issue.

5. There is a gap in your commonalities. Kids are a huge part of life and since you do not have them yet, there will be a huge gap as to what you understand (or don't understand) and while she may be thrilled to talk about the kids, you may be less than thrilled. Because of this, I have said that I do not think (never say never) that I could date someone who did not have kids or was never married.

Divorces:

1. If she is recently divorced, you may be the rebound. You may not be, but just keep that in mind. I would say that someone who is divorced for more than a year might be "safe".

2. She will have baggage. We all do, and this is a major part of our lives--married ten minutes or ten years. There will be talk of him, bashing of him, and maybe even some missing of him. Lend an ear, but don't let her talk about the relationship ruin yours.

3. Make sure she knows what she did wrong in the previous relationship. Everyone does something wrong, and as long as she knows it (she does not need to tell you) and recognizes the problem, the better off for you,. I know what my faults were in my marraige and I have been conscious to make sure I don't repeat them.

4. The sex is awesome. OK, they have been there and done that (marraige) and now it is time to begin anew with some new experiences. They are more open about their wants, needs, etc. This is a very good thing. I can honestly say that I have had more sex and better sex each individual year AFTER my divorce than I had the entire ten years I was married.

5. Never throw it back in her face.

6. Stick up for her ex to a point. A lot of women will say, oh I never loved him, he was wrong from the start. This is justification to them. WRONG! Hey it may have been a bad decision or a mistake, but you have to realize (and she does too) that there was something there at one time. Someone changed and it did not work out, but to deny that there was something there is pure bull****!


Howzat?

[MySugaree]

Outstanding post, soccersilly. As a divorcing dad, I very much appreciate your insight. Thanks.

[BigB]

Great post soccorsilly, gives me a lot to think about.

kinda re-enforces what I was thinking, but I wasn't sure if it was all stereotypes in my head, or the truth.

[seahorse]

I'm a divorced woman with kids and I'd agree with what soccorsilly said on all points.

[HoldOn]

I just want to say there are PLENTY of 26 year old with no kids or divorces!

[alphamale]

BIGB, u dont' even wanna go there man. you're opening up a big can of worms here. try to stick with women who haven't been married and without kids if u can. at your age you'll find many.

at my age (40) there are very few women without kids or who are never married

to SOCCORSILLY:
excellent post man. sometimes u show flashes of brilliance and this is one of them i would add a #6 under "kids" section:

- women with kids are easier to please and expect less. they are also less selfish and more giving due to having kids. when u take them out show them a good time and take them into another world that does not involve their kids or routine daily life. they will thank you for it over and over and over (if u know what i mean )

[whichwayisup]

Yup, soccersilly has the perfect post reply there!

.

[Mz. Pixie]

Wow- soccersilly- awesome post! As a single mom, I applaud what you said completely. Especially the sex part!

BigB- at 26 there are probably lots of women around that haven't been married yet or had children. At 36 however, it's a totally different issue.

I used to always say I wouldn't date a man who had children if I ever divorced. Then I divorced, so go figure.

[mental_traveller]

IMO kids are a real problem if you want to be serious with the woman. They'll always take up her time & energy and get in the way, which is going to put a block on the relationship. Also you have the issue of the father coming into the picture. Contrast this with someone with no kids, they can devote themselves much more to you, and if you want kids then you have a blank slate to build your family on. You also have to ask why is the woman divorced, especially if she had kids as well. Yes, it could be a problem with the husband (e.g. he might have cheated on her, been violent etc), but even then, that may be a sign of bad judgement by the woman. And if it was the woman who caused the breakup, well you don't want to go there do you?

There are plenty of 20-something women with no kids or past baggage. Why not stick to them and make life easier for yourself?

[JanieQP]

BigB, if you want kid-free time with a partner, better hold out for women without kids.

I generally prefer to date divorced/widowed guys whose kids live with them, and who don't want any more kids. Many of the possible complications soccorsilly mentioned are big pluses for me.

A lot of a person's character comes out in their parenting ... I've noticed that some of these single dads baby their kids for way too long. I haven't said anything, but I found it strange that one guy was still cooking for his 19-year-old every night. The kid never introduced himself to me or greeted me, either. Another man invited me oto his place for lunch and when his teenaged sons came in (separately), both shook my hand and introduced themselves.

[Mz. Pixie]

I guess I just have some kid free time. My bf and I both have our visitation schedule around the other. Every other weekend we have free to do whatever we want so it works for us!

[Linlin]

Originally posted by mental_traveller
You also have to ask why is the woman divorced, especially if she had kids as well. Yes, it could be a problem with the husband (e.g. he might have cheated on her, been violent etc), but even then, that may be a sign of bad judgement by the woman. And if it was the woman who caused the breakup, well you don't want to go there do you?

There are plenty of 20-something women with no kids or past baggage. Why not stick to them and make life easier for yourself?

We don't all suck. Why am I getting a divorce? Because my husband didn't support his family or children and thought the way to solve his "issues" was to screw our friend.

On the pro side:

Even though, scheduling to see a woman with kids may be more tricky and less available, I feel we are very confident and self-assured.

We like to make the most of our free time and go out and have fun when we don't have the kids. I don't feel the need to call you 6 times a day to make sure that you still may be interested.

We usually have less hang ups about our bodies and sex. Right Alpha and soccer silly! Probably the best sex of my life going right now!!

I can take care of myself and don't expect a man to do it for me. If I want to be high maintenance, I pay for it myself and don't expect to find a man to pay for me.

I don't have any "clock" ticking anymore to rush and get married. I am not looking for a husband or another father for my kids. I would never introduce the kids unless it was something very serious. 1 1/2 years later, my kids haven't met anyone yet.

[blind_otter]

You know what I noticed? (I'm divorced)...women who haven't been married before, the older they get the more desperate they seem to be to "trap" some poor unsuspecting schmoe into marrying them. Just to get one under their belt, I suppose.

In terms of the kids issue - it's different if a chick is seeing a guy with kids, versus a guy seeing a chick with kids. Personally I wouldn't see a guy with a kid because I don't want baby mama drama.

And honestly - everyone has baggage. If you say you don't have baggage your issue is being dishonest with yourself, har har har. Unless you were like raised in a bubble by emotionally available robots.