My wife and I have been happily married for 8 ½ years. We have 2 kids ages 5 and 3. We dated for 2 years before getting married. We have few arguments no more or less than any other couple as far as I can see, and split the chores more than equitably (in my eyes anyway). I take care of about 75% of the laundry, 60% of the housecleaning and anything and everything outside regarding the house and property. She does cook 90% of the time and does more with the kids as far as putting them to bed or getting them ready for school/daycare but I do help in these issues as well.
The issue that I have is with our pathetic sex life. These are issues that I have had for at least 5 years. Essentially, we have sex once per month. I have approached her at least 5 times in the past few years trying to convey my feelings with her to let her know that it bothers me and that it is effecting our marriage but she either shuts down and makes me feel guilty for pressuring her or she ends up crying and that makes me out to be the bad guy again. I have withdrawn into letting her initiate sex which has lead to our once every month to month and ½. As a result of this and in an effort to make myself feel better, I have tried countless numbers of times to reject her when she does get the urge. So far I have only had the willpower once. I know that this seems counter productive and petty, but it did make me feel better if only for one nights sleep.
A couple of nights ago, I had a non-confrontational talk with her about her sexuality and what she likes and doesn’t like and asked her if there was anything about anything that she doesn’t like about me. I feel that the talk was productive and I kept it light hearted to make her as comfortable as possible. In this talk, she informed me that she did some reading and that it was her conclusion that we are pretty normal for a couple in our situation with kids and busy lives. To define busy, we both work (At the same place) and only our son has any school activities that draw attention away from home. I know that this is going to get worse as they get older but for now, that is the extent. In any event, I was a bit shocked. I asked if she meant in frequency and she said yes. I said well I don’t think that our frequency is a bit low for an average couple.
Anyway, last night we were watching TV from 8:00 to 9:00 (Watching one of her shows- she can’t miss them). When it was over she asked if I wanted to go to bed. I said sure (wishing…) When she finally joined me in bed, I suggestively stated that she had entirely too many clothes on to come to bed and she snapped not for going to sleep I don’t! Well she could tell that I was hurt, and said well I don’t want you to go to bed mad. That was the last words spoken. I lied there awake for a couple of hours next to tears and thought about going to watch TV or something in the living room. My sadness turned to near anger then back to more of despair.
For those of you with the suggestion to “take care of my own needs” Unfortunately I do this as it is almost every night, after she goes to sleep. I say unfortunately because nothing compares to the closeness or intimacy of being with someone you love. I don’t know if she knows that this is going on, and sometimes I wish she would “catch me” maybe it would all come to a head. Or I could tell her that is this or I find some other means of satisfying my needs. What do I do to keep this marriage? I love her and we get along great but this is becoming a deal breaker. I have never cheated but if the opportunity arose, I would have a difficult time saying no.
She can record her TV show. At 10pm, that is TOO late to start playing around...With work, and 2 kids, and all the other joys in life - Sleep is the first thing that comes into her head at that hour.
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A couple of nights ago, I had a non-confrontational talk with her about her sexuality and what she likes and doesn’t like and asked her if there was anything about anything that she doesn’t like about me. I feel that the talk was productive and I kept it light hearted to make her as comfortable as possible. In this talk, she informed me that she did some reading and that it was her conclusion that we are pretty normal for a couple in our situation with kids and busy lives. To define busy, we both work (At the same place) and only our son has any school activities that draw attention away from home. I know that this is going to get worse as they get older but for now, that is the extent. In any event, I was a bit shocked. I asked if she meant in frequency and she said yes. I said well I don’t think that our frequency is a bit low for an average couple.
The talk you guys had, opened the door for another talk. Work with that. Be gentle, and just tell her you love her, you miss that closeness and that is why you feel so hurt.
Hey, it isn't going to get worse as the kids get older...Kids that get older - GET up alone in the morning, go downstairs and watch TV. Kids that are older do more sleepovers at Aunts/Uncles places and friends houses... It will be busier in the sense of activities, but you two actually will be able to spend MORE time together - using babysitters etc....
Oh on that note of babysitting...Organize a night to get a sitter, (family member if she is more comfy with that) go out and have FUN! Not a slow romantic dinner, but a really FUN time out. Shoot pool or darts, go dancing! Laugh and bring back that passion! Make out in the car!
You're hurting, and you have every right to feel that way, but try not to reject her on the grounds of making yourself feel better and for to suffer because of those times she rejected you. That may make you feel OK for the time being but that actually does alot of damage, for the both of you.
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I have never cheated but if the opportunity arose, I would have a difficult time saying no.
Don't!! You DO have the strength to say no. Think with the head on your shoulders not the other one. I know you miss the intimacy. I'm sure she does too, but is too tired to think of it.
Romance her, tell her how beautiful she looks, and how much she turns you on, how good of a person she is, how lucky you are to have her as your wife. MAKE her feel loved and desirable...Maybe she isn't feeling too sexy and hot right now. 2 kids, 5 years old and 3 years old?? yeah, she's up in the night at times too I bet huh? Not to say that you aren't, but she is probably sleeping and 'having her ear' ready incase one of them wakes up.
My sister and brother in law have 2 girls. 6 and 3. Busy alot, he's an accountant so this time of year is SO busy for him in Canada as our Tax Deadline is next week. My husband and I took the girls last weekend so they could have some time alone. They always make extra efforts because they want to. They have to - because the marriage as husband and wife is just as important as being Mom and Dad.
I hope you both can spend some well needed alone time together. I hope she wants to as much as you.
Well, I was thinking about how to bring up this subject. My story is slightly different but partly the same too. I have been married for 10 years. The truth is that I never really had that real chemistry feeling for my spouse but thought he was "ok" so we dated a couple of times. I had felt that way for my college boyfriend but not my husband when be began dating. Well, I got pregnant on the 3rd time we were together. I was 24 he 29 at the time. Catholic too We had the baby and planned our lives, big wedding and all. I figured I could do this. What I didn't know was that I married someone with depression and angry episodes. He exhausted me. I kept trying to keep a family together and we had more children. We now have four. Sex for us was about 2 times a month with us both looking away from each other. It's just never really been there for me to begin with and then when I tried to develop our relationship I was swimming up stream. I have acted pretty much as a single parent for 10 years. My dad says, " You are raising 5 children at least one earns an income" The disconnection I have only got worse with the years. My husband now realizes that he has had depression since childhood but refused for the last 10 years to deal with it.
SO One year ago this week I asked him for a divorce. He about had a nervous breakdown. I was the one in counseling all these years, he wouldn't go. I approached him ALL the time about working it out but he would put his hand in my face and tell me to shut up! He finally got help and is medicated. He has really been trying to turn around. However, my reality is one of pain, hurt and disappointment. He asks me all the time to have sex or let him give me oral sex and I JUST CAN'T. He looks like a stranger to me and I feel no affection. Don't get me wrong... I want and miss sex and all that goes with it. I too take care of myself but I just can't be intimate with him. He turns me off. I don't even want to hug him or hold hands let alone have intercourse.
It has been painful to tell my husband exactly how I feel but I have. He thinks there is something inside of me that he has to release. My counselor thinks it just may be a little to late.
I love my children, my home, my life except I feel like I am not in an intimate relationship and may never be.
Don't get me wrong... I want and miss sex and all that goes with it. I too take care of myself but I just can't be intimate with him. He turns me off. I don't even want to hug him or hold hands let alone have intercourse.
It has been painful to tell my husband exactly how I feel but I have. He thinks there is something inside of me that he has to release. My counselor thinks it just may be a little to late.
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I love my children, my home, my life except I feel like I am not in an intimate relationship and may never be.
Do you want to be though? Through marriage councilling and try to FIND reasons to get to know this man again. If you really don't love him enough, then maybe it is time to end the marriage.
He has gotten help, and working on himself. That's a HUGE thing and a good thing too! I'm sorry and this must be really painful for you. Those inlove feelings weren't there to begin with and you did the dutiful thing by marrying him because of being pregnant.
I hope you can figure out what you want from him and the marriage.
my husband and i have been together 5yrs now, married 2.
i can count on one hand the number of times we've been intimate in the last year. last night was the first time since jan. it's also the first time he's come on to me since sept when he was awake.
i've tried everything - date nights, massages, sitting on his lap while he's relaxing, complimenting him, talking to him about it. i get all kinds of excuses - tired, stressed, work, kids.
yesterday - after 3 days of trying to talk to him about it when it was a "good" time to have the conversation, i basically told him it was a must, that i was hurting emotionally and we had to talk. he said ok. but we didn't. instead, his answer was to appease me. he admitted this morning that he did it as an effort to not have to discuss it again.
i know i'm not giving you much advice - because i haven't found anything that worked, yet. i guess what i want you to know is that you aren't alone......and at least you're getting it once a month
i know it hurts. i feel like it must be something wrong with me, that i'm not attractive. remind her that you two aren't a statistic and what works or is normal in some marriages, isn't working for you.
You bring up some excellent points such as the date night scenario as well as taping her show. She does tape her show but usually watches it later as well. She is also headlong into scrapbooking and sometimes she comes to bed after 10:30 PM in which I know there is little chance.
I should explain that my "denial" of her advances has less to do with my satisfaction and more to do with my wish to make her see things from my perspective. You know, kind of like she is all hot and bothered and I turn her down because I want to work on my motorcycle or somthing equally as unimportant instead of attending to her needs.
She says that she has to be relaxed in order to be in the mood. Aside from the kids, which I know can take up alot of time she has little if any stress at work or at home. Most of the time, after school, the kids are outside with me while I am working in the garage and I play with them riding bikes, shooting basketball and playing soccer. All the while, she is watching TV or scrapbooking in the basement. If this isnt relaxing for her all thats left is sleep! Those are her hobbies and she gets the oppertunity to do them.
What is sad is that she truely cares about me and does all sorts of things for me. She will make sure that I have money in my wallet, she tapes my one and only favorite TV show for me if I cant make it home and a host of other things that I am forgetting, she is very caring and conciderate in many other aspects, just not in any intimate relations.
While we were talking, I asked her if she had any fantasies, she said she didnt and didnt ask me if I have any. This is a pretty common theme. In other words, it seems as if making love is as much of interest to her as painting the garage. Maybe she looks at it as just another task to be done.
Sounds like someone's love tank isn't being filled, or too many withdrawals are being made. You sound helpful, but your wife needs something else apparently. Every marriage goes through the sex lull once and a while. Hang in there.....find out her love language and keep her love tank filled......
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"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
Your wife needs to understand that she is the one who is wrong. It's a difficult thing for a woman to 'walk a mile' in her man's shoes regarding his emotional need for sex. Our thought process and our emotional response is much different in this particular area, almost opposite even.
I guarantee you.....she does NOT understand this. She doesn't know she's really hurting you.
You will need to talk to her about this.....and keep talking.....until she understands it. No small feat.
You might suggest marriage counseling, and you might invest in a book or two on the subject. One such book is [i]The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido[i/] by Michele Weiner-Davis.
This problem can be overcome. But you can't keep your feelings, or even your tears, to yourself. You need to share your emotions with her.
Since the ink is still fresh on my divorce papers I probably should not be dishing out advice. However I have learned alot about mistakes both my ex and I made during our marriage. For instance the lack of sex thing seems to be somewhat of a universal complaint, but so is the universal need for sex/intimate passion. (I have learned) that there is a real need to be sensitive to the other partners desires/needs and likewise. Since (you married ones) signed on to be part of team then act like a team mate. Remember the old cliche "there is no I in Team", start there. This whole resentful thing of "since he/she did not give it to me last time I need some, I'm not going to give him/her any next time he/she asks"~trust me, nobody wins! I think its important to treat each other with the respect and kindness we all deserve and never let the pilot light of passion burn out. Its the small things that mean the most~trust me on that one too. Consideration and Communication are paramount we all need to be touched and desired, start with the fundamentals.
Last edited by painted bleu; 28th April 2005 at 4:11 AM..
Stop talking about why she won't have sex and start talking to her about her and the things that she is interested in. By constantly talking about not having enough sex you are putting pressure on her, guaranteed to make her feel resentful when she does 'give in' to you.
Women need lots of affection. Hug her, kiss her and make it clear that it is not a prelude to sex, but that it's because you value and love her. Make time to go out together, to laugh and talk.
Stop talking about why she won't have sex and start talking to her about her and the things that she is interested in. By constantly talking about not having enough sex you are putting pressure on her, guaranteed to make her feel resentful when she does 'give in' to you.
Women need lots of affection. Hug her, kiss her and make it clear that it is not a prelude to sex, but that it's because you value and love her. Make time to go out together, to laugh and talk.
I don't want to pick on the poster, but I do want to address this advice.
Ladyjane14 gave an excellent link that discusses a lot of important things related to this issue.
I guarantee that "Women need lots of affection" is something the poster knows. Guarantee it. See, notmyrealname, the problem when men post is that we don't post about everything that we DO. I posted something similar and got heaped up on because somehow, since I didn't mention cuddling, it somehow meant that I didn't cuddle with my wife. Because you are male, you described the central problem and forgot to include lots of other details that you don't think are important. Others here will assume that you don't do whatever you omit. You did well on the household chores, but you didn't tell us that you hug and kiss her just for the sake of doing so... which means some posters will either 1) assume you don't hug and kiss her, or 2) assume you only do so in order to feel loved.
WHOOPS! Isn't that odd... I wrote "feel loved," but I meant "have sex!" Hmmm. Some people, women who post this same topic included, need time together to feel loved. Some feel loved when they talk (is that easy during your wife's favorite TV shows, BTW?)
And some need to read The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.
Again, have a look at Ladyjane14's url she posted.
In general, I think it's really lame to assume that notmyrealname hasn't shown his wife affection. The same goes for saying he needs to stop talking about sex. Why make the poster angry rather than helping? He clearly states in his post that in years of marriage he has rarely mentioned their sex life!!
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I have approached her at least 5 times in the past few years trying to convey my feelings with her to let her know that it bothers me and that it is effecting our marriage
Marriage counseling!!! Marriage counseling marriage counseling marriage counseling!!!
Good point yuv, I probably dont hug or kiss her as much as I should but some of this is due to conditioning. I may be doing it at inapproprieate times at least in her eyes. I have came up behind her and gave her a hug and she has resisted; nearly freaking out as if she had a pan of boiling water in her hands. For me, this is just another form of rejection. I think that generally I am affectionate, at least I want to be, but am hampered in my ability to express this affeciton which leads to more disfatisfaction.
It really becomes a chicken and egg scenerio as it had been discussed before comparing her needs for mine. When your spouse initieates wanting to have sex with you, it lets you know that she finds you attractive and that she wants to be with you. When I do all the initieating and then get rejected 70% of the time at that, it doesnt exactly make me feel like being the most affectionate person in the world outside the bedroom either. I know this line of behavior doesnt help my case but at what point is there a shared responsibilty?
I was gone on a trip over the weekend and dropped off a buddy last night at about 2:00 am. His wife was awake and met us outside unloading the car. She came up to him and hugged him and gave him a kiss. While I am happy that my friend is this lucky, I am also sad that it is a physical affection that I simply do not have. They have been married for 6 years. We have been for 8. Dont get me wrong, its not that I expected my wife to be waiting patiently for me to get home, I value my sleep too and would have been sleeping as well! but witnessing my friends loving physical relationship then coming home to my wife in my current state of disatisfaction with our physical/sex life made the situation seem hopeless for me.
As far as date nights, we can and do pretty much go out whenever. We have 2 sets of grandparents that are more than willing to watch the kids including them staying overnight. We are financially well of to the point that there is little that we cant do for entertainment. ie: dinner, movie, show, weekend getaway whatever. As far as getaways, when we do this, there IS an increased chance for sex, but I am not going to plan trips and special events just to have sex. Is this the wrong attitude?
This is such a difficult issue, it sounds more platonic than anything but I know you love eachother very much. Having kids and busy lives is obviously going to effect your sex drive. I know it sounds silly but there are natural pills for both males and females to increase sex drive, supplements you can buy. And I hear they really work.
Aside from that, everyone here is going to give you completely different advice and you might get even more confused, no one can really tell you how to fix this because we don't really know what's going on completely. How she feels etc.
I know it sounds crazy but if you want to fix this, GIVE IT A TRY! also you could try counselling, but I know that's a very big step.
My man and I went thru a phase like this for several months, and I felt it was the age gap, that he was experienced and I wasn't and he was just like 'been there, done that, seen it all' but it wasn't true. I was doing things to effect him and the other way round.
PS.
I think you're looking at it wrong, about planning a getaway. It won't be JUST for sex, but that will be part of it. And once you show her a wonderful time, how loving and passionate you are she will want to make love again and again. So DO plan a trip away, somewhere romantic and fantastic. Treat her like a queen, no women turns down sex from her man for no reason, she is feeling like crap about something. Take candles, massage oils, have a nice dinner, hold her, kiss her.. look deep into her eyes and tell her that special feeling is still there. Also TURN HER ON, lots of foreplay... make her feel TAKEN definatley plan a trip away!
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 6th May 2005 at 2:25 PM..
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I know this line of behavior doesnt help my case but at what point is there a shared responsibilty?
At the very beginning of starting to fix things, IMO, there isn't. I read in the "Five Languages of Love" that in order to get back on track, you've probably gotta give WAY more at first. Love her the way SHE likes it (figure out which of the five), and then give the marriage counseling suggestion within two or three days.
BTW, I have read the book SecretWife linked to on sexless marriage and it is a good book. It did not quite fit into my situation. Just one example: the book suggests to the nonsexual partner that they try to go along with sex some time and they may find their mood changed. They go from being uninterested to being interested once things start. That's just not an easy hurdle if your wife berates you for being too sexual right off the bat, as in your first post. I would definately recommend it however as I am sure there might be approaches listed in the book that may be helpful to _you_.
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As far as getaways, when we do this, there IS an increased chance for sex, but I am not going to plan trips and special events just to have sex. Is this the wrong attitude?
No! I SO hear you on that one. I tried this advice! Reservations at a B&B that we both love. Music, dim lights, a massage, dinner reservations at a nearby favorite restaraunt... the wife jumps on the bed, clicks the TV on and asks me with hope in her eyes if I want to watch a movie. WTF?!?
Needless to say, if you have to seduce and romance your spouse EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. for them just to even be attracted to you, there's a problem. Marriage counseling helped me... my marriage was 5 months old when I did it. The sex dropped off the day after we were married, and it felt like she was trying to figure out how to eliminate intimacy from our relationship and how to start living like roommates.
(Well, we're headed toward page three... You know what that means. I would encourage everyone responding from this point to read the entire thread, not just the top of this page down.)
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
I have been married for 10 years. The truth is that I never really had that real chemistry feeling for my spouse but thought he was "ok" so we dated a couple of times. I had felt that way for my college boyfriend but not my husband when be began dating. Well, I got pregnant on the 3rd time we were together. I was 24 he 29 at the time. Catholic too 
We had the baby and planned our lives, big wedding and all. I figured I could do this. What I didn't know was that I married someone with depression and angry episodes. He exhausted me. I kept trying to keep a family together and we had more children. We now have four. Sex for us was about 2 times a month with us both looking away from each other. It's just never really been there for me to begin with and then when I tried to develop our relationship I was swimming up stream. I have acted pretty much as a single parent for 10 years. My dad says, " You are raising 5 children at least one earns an income" The disconnection I have only got worse with the years. My husband now realizes that he has had depression since childhood but refused for the last 10 years to deal with it. 
He about had a nervous breakdown. I was the one in counseling all these years, he wouldn't go. I approached him ALL the time about working it out but he would put his hand in my face and tell me to shut up! 
He finally got help and is medicated. He has really been trying to turn around. However, my reality is one of pain, hurt and disappointment. He asks me all the time to have sex or let him give me oral sex and I JUST CAN'T. He looks like a stranger to me and I feel no affection. Don't get me wrong... I want and miss sex and all that goes with it. I too take care of myself but I just can't be intimate with him. He turns me off. I don't even want to hug him or hold hands let alone have intercourse. 
It's a difficult thing for a woman to 'walk a mile' in her man's shoes regarding his emotional need for sex. Our thought process and our emotional response is much different in this particular area, almost opposite even. 
Find the time for eachother
Hybrid Mode
