I've been going out with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. It seems like such a short time, but in that short time he has become my world (I know - cheesy mushy cliche stuff). I know at the beginning, before we actually were "officially" dating but knew that there were feelings, he sat down next to me and we had a serious chat about how I seemed to be different than his other girlfriends and he wanted to take things slow because he never knew someone like me. We didn't even start having sex for a month when all his past relationships he's said he's had sex on the first date or first week.
I never knew someone who made me feel so free and so happy. This feeling for someone is all new to me. I've been so hurt and depressed by circumstances in my life and with him in my life I can rise above that which holds me down.
Well, since this past weekend something's felt...well...wrong. And I started feeling depressed when he dropped me off at home Saturday night. I even cried for some reason when I got in the house. I didn't see him on Sunday or Monday but those days were hard to get through. I was just feeling extremely depressed for some reason I couldn't pinpoint...and missing him terribly. So he came over tonight (Tuesday) for awhile and I greeted him with a kiss and he just didn't seem "into it". A bit later he asked if I could tell that something was troubling him. I knew.
He said his mind was preoccupied. I was confused. He asked me about the future. I can't remember exactly what he said, but something like what I see in the future maybe? As in our future. I told him that I usually try not to think about the future (knowing from the past that it tends to lead to hurt and dissapointment in all aspects of life). Now, near future I think about. Things that require planning (like we plan on living together so I told him I think about that because I need to work towards that goal). Far future is only left to fantasy. I said I have hopes and stuff for the future but I can't really know what's real or not that far ahead.
After we had this conversation I felt like crying. So many things ran through my mind, like why was he thinking this? Is he worried about our future? Do we have a future? Is something going wrong in our relationship? Did I do something? We make jokes sometimes about us being this old couple. But they're only jokes. I joke all the time about myself being some "old biddy" all alone with a million cats. So these jokes just come out naturally, I just now incorporate him into my ongoing joke (which I should try not to do from now on heh). I seriously don't even think that far ahead. I'm only 27. He's only going be 25. Maybe he thinks I'm serious?
He got a little more comfortable and affectionate has our visit went by. I told him (with a concerned ,almost sad, look on my face) I don't want him to have worries or troubles. And before he left for home I asked how he was now. He said a bit better. I told him that's good, but I just don't understand what he's meaning by all this and he goes "someday you'll know". Which of course left me all the more confused (like oh yeah "someday" when he breaks up with me?
or says he doesn't want a long-term relationship or whatever?).
So now I'm sitting here all alone with the thoughts of these past few days swimming in my head. They won't get out. I hope we see each other again on Friday because we always make plans for Friday, but he didn't mention anything about Friday yet, which scares me. I'm afraid my Wednesday and Thursday are going to be like this past Sunday and Monday. Just waiting and waiting to be made to feel that everything's going to be alright. All I want to do is sleep until then but I can't. I don't know what to say or do.
Bunny With Bite!!
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