[RiptideHD]

Hello Everyone,

I'm new to seeking advise from a bulletin board, so please bare with me.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now. We have had our ups and downs as does everyone in a new marriage.

On to my question.

A new girl was hired at work about a month ago and as soon as my wife found out that she worked there, she when a bit off the handle. She accused me of wanting to be at work more than wanting to be home with her because of this new girl.

Before I go further, some history would probably help.

We will be having a little baby in about five months! This is a very exciting time for us. I understand that at times like this, a woman’s hormones and what not are racing around so much that a good part of the time they should not be held accountable for the things that they say and do. So I pretty much ignored her outburst and assured her that I love here with all of my heart and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. When I married her, I meant everything that I said in those vows.

Now if it could only have stopped right there. Since then I have come to find out that the new girl at work is really a very nice person. She has a personality that makes her fun to be around, and if my wife would give her a chance, I'm sure that she would agree.

When I talk to Kate (My wife) about doing things with Stacy (the girl at work), she becomes very defensive, and the reason for that is partly my fault. I had a lot of guy friends when I was growing up and only a few friends that were girls. I have not had one guy friend that I could trust without question, and have been stabbed in the back by each of them more than once. Needless to say, I have a hard time trusting guys to be best friends. That small group of girls (women now) was always there for me, and I considered them to be my best friends until I met my wife who is now and will always be my very best friend no matter who comes into our lives. Due to some uncertainties that Kate had with those friends that were girls, I severed my ties with them. That was a very hard thing for me to do, but I did it so that our marriage could grow. Looking back now, I'm not so sure that was the correct course of action.

The more I talk to Stacy, the more that she reminds me of those wonderful friendships that I left behind. I miss having other people to talk to.

Kate and I have been talking about this for a long time now, and I guess what it boils down to is that due to a conversation we had back when we were dating, and I could really kick myself in the ass for saying such a thing. I was talking about how excited I was for Kate to meet my friends that were girls, I was telling her how great they were, and then something very stupid came out. I said that all of them started out as women that I was interested in and that I wanted to possibly date, and that I never did because they didn't want to date me. They just wanted to be friends. The thing is, that was the truth, and stupid to say or not, I was being honest.

I wonder if any friendship between anyone every begins without some kind of connection. There must always be something that interests the other enough to want to get to know that person, whether it be the same or the opposite sex, right? Well, back then I was a single guy, so why wouldn't I want to date a girl I got along with so well? Now I'm married to the woman of my dreams. I don't want to date Stacy, I just want to get to know her. I have a feeling that, given enough time, we could become very good friends.

I don't thing I'm going about anything the wrong way. I have been asking Kate to get to know Stacy, and she simply asks me how I would feel if she wanted to get to know another guy? I think I would be okay with that. I know that she considers a marriage as the strongest bond there is, just like me. I know that we are truly in love. I know that no matter who comes into our lives, we will always be in love.

There is one final angle to expose you, the readers, to. My father left my mother and ended up marrying my mother's former best friend. They waited over ten years to get married, but my mother, even after ten years is still very bitter about it and has told Kate everything my father has ever done that was a little shady in my mothers eyes. I suspect that my mother thinks that she is doing Kate a favor by giving Kate things to watch out for. In truth, I do not think my Father was ever deceitful. I think my parents were just on opposite ends of the spectrum. He loved the bar scene, and mom did not. He was rougher, and mom was daintier. I think they were just a bad match for each other and they were rather done for before they were even married. Kate and I are not like that. We don’t drink, we don’t smoke or do drugs, and we don’t like bars. I think that we are an infinitely better match than my mom and dad were. So mom filling Kate’s head full of worries is not a very cool thing and is playing a large factor in the way Kate feels.

So what does everyone think? Am I wrong to seek another close friendship with another woman that can really be trusted not to come onto me and vice versa? Does anyone else out there have close friends of the opposite sex, which are better friends to you than to your partner? Is there anyone else out there that feels as I do? I am really looking forward to your replies.

Thanks for your time everyone,

Paul

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by RiptideHD

I have not had one guy friend that I could trust without question, and have been stabbed in the back by each of them more than once. Needless to say, I have a hard time trusting guys to be best friends.

I have been asking Kate to get to know Stacy, and she simply asks me how I would feel if she wanted to get to know another guy? I think I would be okay with that.

I find it odd, that you can't trust a "guy" to be your friend, but that you wouldn't have a problem with a guy-friend for your wife. That suggests to me that you're reaching a bit, rationalizing.

The more I talk to Stacy, the more that she reminds me of those wonderful friendships that I left behind. I miss having other people to talk to.

Your communications with your wife could be lacking in some way. Maybe you feel like you've exhausted all the conversation from one another. I assure you that you haven't. Believe me, I've been married over 20 years.

Try spending 15 minutes each night ( at minimum)...just talking without any distractions. You'll be surprised by how much you still have to talk about.

I don't want to date Stacy, I just want to get to know her. I have a feeling that, given enough time, we could become very good friends.

Why? What's important about "getting to know" her? What's worth making your wife insecure and uncomfortable about in order to satisfy your curiosity?

It's very possible that like many young men, you are feeling a little anxious at the prospect of impending fatherhood....particularly if this is your first. Could be that you're looking for some distraction. Maybe not consciously, but when something's worrying a person at the subconscious level, it's just easier to distract yourself with some other problem than to deal with a vague one.

Altogether, it's probably best to avoid any entanglement with this new coworker. All you'll manage to accomplish is to turn your lovely bride into a shrew at a time when she's already hormonal. That, and give this other young lady the wrong impression. You'd be surprised at how seriously some girls take their friendships with married men.

Better all around if you join a men's sporting league, something like pick-up basketball or soccer, down a the YMCA. You'll meet some nice people AND wear out some of those new-daddy nerves.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry, I think you are in a vulnerable position right now. Perhaps your wife isn't paying you enough attention with the new baby on the way?

It sounds like you want more than friendship with this woman. Doing things with this new person at work? How often would that be??

You don't know her very well and this could be a potentially dangerous time in your marriage. Many marriages struggle during the first year of parenthood. This could be a situation in which you are tempted.

I would stay away from this woman and not upset my wife. It's fine to have women friends but I'm thinking more along the lines of someone that my SO had known for years and years before me.

For example- my bf has two women friends from college. They have seen each other through divorces, births, etc. I would never dream of telling him he couldn't talk to them or have dinner with them. That being said, I consider that to be a every once in a while thing- not all the time- and I'm not at home pregnant.

[oldfashion]

You have known Stacy for a little time. You probably do not know much about her . You say, your wife is pregnant. Therefore, she needs more care and understanding than you think and you have to realize this.

IMO -

The idea of having friends in marriage from opposite sex is not right for me. I only have one male friend who i can vent on or who will be there in a minute when i need him. But i have known him for a long time and my husband have met him while we have been engaged. We were going out all together ( my male friend`s gf was also hanging out with us) . My husband asked him to be his best man just before our wedding. I am not planning to make another male friend like him for the rest of my life. Because he is like a brother to me.

Of course i have male friends at work. But they are just my colleagues. Nothing more.. When i get home from work, there is only one person for me. There is my husband who is my best friend, lover, father, mom and brother.. I dont need anyone else. This is what marriage means to me and this is why i have said `goodbyes` to all those guys around me for years.

You can not make close friends in a month and vent on them. You had to make things clear before you got married with your wife. She probably thinks that you do not find her attractive due to her pregnancy and you are looking for another woman. You have to understand your wife`s concerns and should not be looking for another woman. Even as a friend...

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to date Stacy, I just want to get to know her. I have a feeling that, given enough time, we could become very good friends.

Your intentions are clear...But what about Stacy's? Getting close to her and bonding with you will only make her become 'emotionally attached' to you and then her expectations of the friendship will rise. With that in mind, she will want your company, call you, need you and that will cause alot of problems in your marriage.

I think including your wife in this friendship is the only way to go on this one.

Men and women can be friends but spouses have to be part of the friendship as well. If not, jealously will get in the way and I don't have to tell you this, but women compete. Maybe not intentionally, but somehow eventually, there is bound to be competition. Just happens and in your situation it is dangerous...Especially now with your wife pregnant. Her horomones and moods are all over the place and right now you should be focussing on her and making her feel secure, not trying to meet new women friends. I don't mean that harshly, but I think if the situation was reversed and your wife started confiding in another man, spending time with him, coming home from work talking about how great the man she works with is...Eventually it would play on your mind and make you wonder maybe what is happening or what could happen.

Any male friends I have in my life now my husband is a big part of it. Some are guys I grew up with, we're all really more like family friends, they are all married and have kids so it's really not an issue at all.

Just think how your wife might feel when you confide in this new woman friend and not her? What if this new girl decides to tell your wife what you say? That you tell her more than you tell your wife? That is just one senario of how it could go...I'm sure there are many more ...

I could be completely wrong and Stacy is just looking for a friendship as well. But something tells me you 'need' her in your life...Do you find she is pretty? Have you thought about her sexually? If so, YOU must set up boundries! NO touching, hugging, etc...And steer clear of sexual topics.

Anyway, those are my thoughts...Hope some of what I said helps you out.

[RiptideHD]

I thank you for the advice you have given me, and I must also say that these replies have come just in the nick of time. I spoke to my wife tonight. She visiting Mom and Dad (No not because of and argument) tonight. I told her that I agree with her wishes for me not to bring Stacy from just an acquaintance to a friend. I know with all of your advise that I'm doing the right thing, but I feel now, just like I did the last time I made this decision. I feel like I'm loosing a friend. I guess there is a certain sadness that comes every time a decision is made to sever a relationship of any kind that is a positive one.

I want you to know that I think this is truly a remarkable sight, and you are truly remarkable people for giving your time and participating in it.

Sincerely and respectfully,
Paul

[whichwayisup]

You are making the right choice because your wife is the most important person in your life, and the soon to be baby too!

I feel like I'm loosing a friend. I guess there is a certain sadness that comes every time a decision is made to sever a relationship of any kind that is a positive one.

You can be sad but don't let it get you down. It's for the best and reading this, confirms you are doing the right thing because I get the feeling some emotions were coming into play and this friendship with Stacy has the potiental to lead to something else.

Take Care.

[jmargel]

What is with these Staceys?

Me & my wife were xmas shopping back in Dec. when an old HS friend came up & said hi. I haven't seen her in years and it was really nice to see her & her 2 year old daughter.

About 3 weeks ago I got an email from her (looked it up on classmates.com) and said hi. She's married as well. We chatted some and she only lives 50 miles away. The idea was brought up that we should all get together and go to a club. Her husband was fine with it, but when I mentioned it to my wife.. Ugh.. The accusations started. Demanding to see my email, there was only one undeleted one. The others were just 'How are you?', etc.. The one that was undeleted went something like this to her:

Hi, hope you had a good day and hoping you have a great weekend!

Just a one-liner. She got upset because I took time out to email her during the day. Who cares? I can't have females friends? She mentioned I was 'too nice' and that women will often take that as a sign of something more.

I agree with the OP here. He should be allowed to have a friendship with her. Why should he have to change his personalitiy to suit his wife's insecurities? He is actually trying to get his wife to know her. You never know, those two might become best of friends.

He's not asking Stacey to go out with him one-on-one, etc.. With her being this way, he's just become resentful later on due to the fact that his wife doesn't trust him. He hasn't done anything for her to believe this. He has been up front about all of this.

Personally, do I still email this Stacey I know? Yep. Will I bring it up to my wife again? Nope. Not after the way she acted. She talks/emails male co-workers, no reason why I can't have a friend to talk/vent to at times. Will it go beyond friendship? Nope.

As for people saying you are leading on this other girl. Nonsense. She knows the OP is married. She knows what the boundaries are. A relationship is about love and trust.

[binturong]

But Jmargel, you're now saying that you condone lying to your wife in order to get what you want. That can't be good for the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

But Jmargel, you're now saying that you condone lying to your wife in order to get what you want. That can't be good for the marriage.

I agree...Doesn't that just go against everything you post about?? Openess and honesty? You KNOW it has upset your wife keeping intouch with this woman, and you still are doing it? I"m not bashing you at all, I mostly agree with what you say in your threads, just this doesn't make alot of sense...

As for people saying you are leading on this other girl. Nonsense. She knows the OP is married. She knows what the boundaries are. A relationship is about love and trust.

LOL! This is how 'emotional attachments' start JM! You know it too! If this Stacy is good looking, single and being friends with him, and he isn't leading her on, she may develope feelings for him. Maybe not intentionally but it will happen. This is how affairs, atleast emotional affairs start! What if she knows the boundries, yet her feelings get in the way, or somehow his does? Why put yourself IN a situation when you know that it could lead to something else??

Friendship is friendship, but reading between the lines in his posts, there is alot more than meets the eye. It has potiental to something else and I think he knows this as well.

[Mz. Pixie]

J- I'm shocked at you considering your other posts.

I'm sorry- I don't e mail my guy friends just to say, "Hey hope you're having a good day and a good weekend" Sorry, just don't do it.

What I say is that you're putting yourself in temptations way when you do things like this with members of the opposite sex. That is how my A started so I know what I'm talking about. That is why I say don't do it.

[whichwayisup]

J, you may know your intentions...But you really don't know or have control over this other woman's feelings and how she reads into what YOU may say to her in emails.

I think you should tell your wife you're still keeping intouch with her. If you have nothing to hide, let her read all the emails and see for herself. That way she won't have to feel insecure or intimidated that her husband is emailing a woman friend. What's the big deal? Why keep it from her? You know it is upsetting her, yet you still do it! That's pretty selfish actually...

and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/show...428#post431428

WHY he should not get close to this woman...Perfect example of what it could lead to.

[jmargel]

Whichway.. I am open and honest about it. If she asks me if I still email her from time to time I will say yes. However, I won't go upto my wife and tell her we still email now & then. Are you saying our wives should keep us basically locked up in a closet and not have any friendship with females? Wouldn't they much rather know & feel that we are with them because we CHOSE to be with them even though we have other friends (who happen to be females)?

How are you shocked compared to my other posts? I never said in my previous posts that you should keep your spouse locked up from the opposite sex. If my wife wants to read my emails she can. All she has to do is ask. But the only ones I keep are from her (my wife). I have nothing to hide.

So you are all basically saying we can't have female friends due to the POSSIBILITY that there might be a chance of an emotional bond? We can't have emotional bonds with someone other than our wives? Friendship IS an emotional bond.

I also have never condone lying and I don't even with this situation. She is a friend, no less, no more. It will continue to be that way as well, since I am married to my wife whom I love very much.

I see that jealously and insecurity runs rampant around here. If my wife had an old HS buddy who wanted to get us all to go out and have a good time I would not be against that. Nothing wrong in making new friends. I have given her the opportunity to make a new friend with this Stacey. If I were to hide something do you think I would have even brought it up to begin with?

Not every woman is out there to "get" your spouse. I would be a very lonely man if my only female friend was my wife. Love should be strong enough to not have silly little debates over something like this.

[blind_otter]

From reading this thread you would think that having any friendships with the opposite sex leads automatically and without fail into an affair. IMO< if you're going to cheat, you're going to cheat, and friendships be damned -- it's a character flaw that leads to infidelity, not the external structure of a person's life. It's not A+B=C, here, folks.

[whichwayisup]

I see what you are saying JM...I have some male friends, my hubby knows them and he has female friends, that doesn't bother me...We don't cross the line and we both know that neither of us are gonna cheat. I am secure to know this about him as he is with me.

All I was saying is SOME cannot have or be friends with someone of the opposite sex.

I can understand the jealous aspect of it though, me being female and all...I think at times I have the potiental to get jealous, everybody does at times, but until I have reason to feel that way - What is the point?

In your case, your wife doesn't feel comfy with the idea of you keeping intouch with Stacey (that is WEIRD that the names are the same eh!) but you do. I know you have nothing to hide, you're not going to cheat etc...But for some reason your wife doesn't like it...I guess if my husband told me he felt odd with me and a male friend I would try to include him more in the friendship and show him it's okay. But if he still felt uneasy about it I would choose between him and the male friend. But that is just me and how I would handle it. Would I be abit pissed off? Ofcourse - I am still a person and feel I should have friends, male and female, but his friendship is more important to me than anybody else's.

Are you saying our wives should keep us basically locked up in a closet and not have any friendship with females? Wouldn't they much rather know & feel that we are with them because we CHOSE to be with them even though we have other friends (who happen to be females)?

Nope...Not saying that...But in the case of the original poster - I think that his friendship with Stacy had potiental to lead to something else.

Being emotionally attached to a man when you're already married is playing with fire, even casually as a friend...Maybe men can turn it off and not allow it to affect them, but most women are not like that. Myself included. I DO wear my heart out there too much and I can develope crushes - Not serious ones, but it does happen...Not on purpose but hey, I guess it is something I never grew out of as a young teen.

I worked with a guy and he was really cool. We had alot in common, man he made me laugh so hard, probably one of the funniest and kindest person I've ever met. I knew that if I was single I'd be with him. That is when I knew I had to distance myself from him...We never talked about it - Infact I doubt he even noticed - We never crossed that line and because of that I knew there was no need of discussing it with him.

Eventually the crush went away and it was all fine. For me, it comes, then it disappears, no biggie...But when it is there and I feel it I just back off until it goes away...

Anyone else like this too? lol...