[zara]

I have just embarked on a new relationship with a sweet, thoughtful, caring, affectionate guy and am swimming arouind in an ocean of bliss. However, his father is critically ill and today they are going to have to switch off his life support unit.

How can i best support him through this? It's hard to know what to do since we haven't known each other very long but i want to be there for him at this difficult time.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I always wondered "what if" in this situation also, and I have been somewhat in the situation. I would tend to leave it up to him as to how much he wants you to be around him at this time. He needs to be with his family of course, and he may want some alone time as well. He also may be embarassed at showing his emotions around you this early in the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with asking him if there's anything you can do, and let him know you are there for him if he needs you. I would go to the funeral, but not expect to be "part of the family"....just sit near the back or wherever, and let him come to you, or just use your own judgement and see if he needs a hug.

Give him a card, flowers, some baking and let him know you care.

[Hund1976]

If you just met him it is a tricky situation. Everybody grieves differently, some people like support, others like to be left alone for awhile. I would basically let him know that you're there if he needs anything, but then back off and let him make the next move. If he needs some space to himself for a while then let him have it.

[NatoPMT]

I had this to deal with a similar situation as well, its exceptionally difficult - i can only comment on how my situation has been but i hope its a help

you will have to take his lead, but at the same time, he might clam up and stop expressing how he feels, just make sure he knows that you are there if he needs you - sometimes its when he wakes up in tears after a nightmare, or at totally unexpected times when something reminds him - dont be afraid of it, and dont be afraid of asking him if he wants to talk. my bf hardly ever does, he only talks about how his mother & father are coping, so i can only say how i have dealt with the whole situation - maybe i have failed in encouraging my bf to talk, maybe he just never really would

my sister told me after my nephew died that she feels people dont understand and think they should have moved on, when actually the grief gets worse over the coming months as the reality sinks in - after the initial shock/anger or knee jerk reaction, the truth of loss takes a while to manifest itself - then the grieving person can feel isloated and a burden. My friend who lost his father to cancer also said the same.

What other family does he have around him? I found my bf's mum the most difficult to deal with - she was so immersed in the tragedy of losing her daughter that nothing else mattered, certainly not being welcoming to her sons new gf that may or may not last for the next 2 weeks - i had to tread very carefully with her and now i cry with her, even though i never met her daughter. I am always invited to private immediate family events on occassions surrounding my bf's twin - even his birthday becomes one of these occassions - you feel like you are intruding on such a personal time, initially as you dont know them very well, it feels like an intrusion, but if your bf wants you there, you must intrude and do whatever is necessary for your bf to have your full and absolute support. Its very difficult to stand next to someone in his family you are tied to by what is at the beginning of the relationship a very tenuous link and watch them deal with something thats so intensely private and personal.

For the time being, he will most likely want to spend time with his family, possibly with you there as well, when everyone is around, sink into the background and be a quiet support - see if you can offer any practical support with arrangements, dealing with the house/dog walking etc. When you are alone together, let him do whatever he needs to do and say whatever he needs to say.

sorry hes going through this.

[sinkerswim]

When I was with my ex fiance, his mother got very sick and was dying in the hospital....but I was with him for 2 years at this point already.

It is very hard, because youre not quite sure exactly what to say...
but tell him that u will be there for him....hug him. Ask if there is anything you could do for him or if he needs to talk.
Just let him know you are there for him basically.

I stayed at his house to help out when she passed away.
Good luck, death is never an easy thing.

[alicia24]

Hey Zara,
I just went through this situation 2 weeks ago, but it was my man's grandmother. I told him that if he needed to talk about it or if there was anything else i could do to help, just let me know. I didnt suggest that i go with him to the funeral because i wasnt sure how he felt about that. I basically just sat back and let him do all the talking. If he wants you to accompany him to any of the services he will ask. Dont be offended if he doesnt. Its a difficult time for him so just let everything happen naturally. Dont push anything.

[zara]

Thank you all for the advice. He sent me a text message half an hour after his father passed awy, so i replied telling him that it must be a difficult time and i want him to know that i care and i'm here for him, then i topped up his cell phone because i knew he was running low on credit and thought he could use some at a time like this.

I haven't even met his mother yet and it's going to be so hard to do it under these circumstances. I'm just allowing my bf to make those decisions - if he wants me to attend the funeral i will, but if not i shan't be offended. i just want to be supportive in whatever way he needs.

He came round and stayed at my place last night. He talked, and i just listened and held him - it was so hard not to flood with tears myself, but i didn't want to detract from his grief, if that makes sense.

[NatoPMT]

yes, that makes perfect sense zara - i feel embarassed and like i have no right to be upset when i cry about bf;s sister - but its their grief that makes you want to cry and you shouldnt feel bad about feeling his pain. It will show him that you feel real empathy for his situation, and also that hes not isloated in him shedding tears. if he cries alone, it might make him more self conscious.

as you are doing, let him take the lead. my bf hadnt met my family when my grandmother died and i didnt want him to come to the funeral, just because i didnt want him to meet my father when hed just lost his mother because i felt my father might not feel comfortable and be able to behave how he wanted to, so like you say its completely a personal decision to him that may have factors involved you dont yet know about and has no detrimental reflection on you whatsoever.

i think your bf will want you involved from what you have said - i think you will be a great support too.

[Pendawn]

I'm in a similar situation but on the opposite side. My dad has been taken into hospital today with pancreatitis, I am scared and looking for comfort, but I hate to be callign up a guy i just met twice to say come be here for me. It's a mess.