[hongkongchick]

Hi I am a newbie, so first i wanna say hi to all!

The below is some what lengthy.

My bf and I have been going out for almost 4 years (in March). We had ups and downs like every other couple, though some of our downs involved some pretty heavy stuff, but we went through them. I consider myself a fairly good gf, but i guess i am an emotional person. Many times, what he says or the way he says things will tick me off, and i will go into the silent mode until eventually he asked me many times "what's wrong" then i would discuss my feelings with him.

in the past weekends, i have been upset for some small stuff ("what else is new?" like my bf would say), and so i have been thinking that it might just because i am not a easy going gf and that i am uptight. I just wonder if some of you ladies (or gentlemen) would shine me some lights.

Today when both of us went to my school's library to try to study for our exams, I told him not to park where the "Decal required" places, but he didnt care. as we were walking to the door. i noticed some parking meters that are expired. so i curiously asked (or said out loud) "i wonder if students with decal can park her for free?". my bf said "it doesnt matter". i didnt notice his tone of voice, so i said again "i was just wondering..." he stoped me by saying (now with some attitude) "IT DOESN'T MATTER" at this point, i knew he was annoyed, but i wanted to explain to him that i was not trying to annoy him, but every time i tried to speak my point, he would keep saying "it doesnt matter". so i was pretty furious at that point knowing that we are in the middle of the street, with people walking behind us, and him taking his anger out on me, which i didnt think i did anything wrong to piss him off.

i finally said "whatever" and went inside to study (i tried hard not to think about my anger). then we went home after a while, i cooked, we ate, we watched a movie. and right before he was about to go home, we started discussing what went on this afternoon. he basically said that everyone gets upset from time to time, and it was his time to get upset. and i said that when i would get upset in public, he flips out saying i am causing a scene, but it's ok if he does it. so the discussion went on, and finally he said that "Rome was not built in a day". but in my mind, this is not the first time it happened, and this conversation isnt a first. so 4 years of experience still isnt long enough to "learn"?

he made me feel like whenever i open my mouth, it annoys him, like i am just someone who should keep her mouth shut all the time so i wont annoy anyone, and the fact that he made a comment during our "scene": "why do you have to find something to bitch about?" i have made it very clear that i hate the word bitch. whenever he uses the b word, no matter calling me a bitch or just saying i bitch a lot, that's still implying that i am a bitch. and he had promised many times not to use that word, but obviously he didnt care about my feelings. and when i confronted him about it in our discussion, he said that "yea but you promised not bitch so much before". once again, he totally disrespected my feeling.

i dont know. maybe we arent meant to be. guys dont learn, they dont change, they dont think before they speak, and the way he treats his mother would be the way he treats me are probably all true.

[DinNJ]

in my personal opinion... people DON'T change. At least the deep rooted personality traits. Sure they can be hidden termporarily for the sake of 'gettin' back together' OR the 'fear of losing someone'... but sooner or later, their true colors will always surface once again.

[LucreziaBorgia]

People don't change who they inherently are, but they do change how they act and react - if they are in a situation which is ideal for them, their needs are being met, and they find that they are concerned about meeting the needs of their partner. Even the worst of the "dogs" in one relationship can become "the perfect man" in another one.

It could be like you said: that you two are just incompatible. Its not a matter of him being a bad person, he could just be a bad person for you in the context of this relationship.

It might help to sit down and think about what it is you would like for him to do. Make a list of specific things that you do not like that he does, and then for each one - write out what you would ideally like to see him be in that situation. When you are done, take a look at the list there: are you dating this guy for who he is, or what you wish he would be? Are the ideal situations realistic? Do you really see him being able to make the changes necessary to be that man you want him to be? It may be that in this particular relationship he just can't be who you want him to be, and probably won't ever be.

When you are done with that list - make one for yourself. List out all the negative situations in which he says that you 'bitch too much'. Try to envision the situation ideally - how could you have dealt with it in a way that would make it so that he doesn't think you are 'bitching'? Are those ideal situations realistic for you? Would you be able to make compromises in your reactions that would feel natural for you?

Once you get past your lists and you do some thinking, talk to him about it. Don't show him those lists!! That's only a brainstorming tool for you to get your thoughts together. Let him know that you are concerned about the expectations of the relationship not matching up with the reality, and that you need to know - and I mean honestly know if there is any chance for that relationship being closer to what you hope it would be.

[Hund1976]

If you've been with him for four years and he's acted the same way the whole time then that is probably the type of person he is and you either need to live with it or leave.

[hongkongchick]

the "list" thing sounds great, thanks!

i will do that as soon as i have some time. great advice!

the times that "bitch" too much were when i was in a bad situation with my roommate, my self doubt about my education. and i did compromised after learning that he hates me "talk" too much about negative stuff, i tried very hard not to talk about anything negative with him more than once.

it just hurts that when i am just trying to vent, he doesnt seem to be willing to lend me a listening ear.

[hongkongchick]

Originally posted by Hund1976
If you've been with him for four years and he's acted the same way the whole time then that is probably the type of person he is and you either need to live with it or leave.

that's what i have been wondering about. back when we first started going out probably up until the first two years, we were doing GREAT. he was considerate, though not so romantic, but a complete gentleman. until my relationship with his grandparents (who raised him) went to hell, then we started having more arguements and the way he treats his grandma has slowly came out, and now that i think about it, it is very similar to the way he treats me sometimes, especially if he thinks i am "bitching".

he would use that "i have never been in a long term relationship before" as a reason for his behavior, but i just think that 4 years isnt a short time, so it will take 20? 30? or even 40? years for him to finally get it?

[lost_in_chgo]

Is it possible you've become more controlling over time?
This is a common cause of guys getting tired of a relationship.

If he feels like every time he turns around you are unhappy with him about something, he won't want to stay with you.

[hongkongchick]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo
Is it possible you've become more controlling over time?
This is a common cause of guys getting tired of a relationship.

If he feels like every time he turns around you are unhappy with him about something, he won't want to stay with you.

that could be too. what does controlling mean anyway? it means (to me) that i need to know where he is, where he has been, who he talked to, what he has done everyday. if that's what it means, then it's not it.

but if controlling means i am unhappy with him about something all the time, well that might be possible. i used to get upset when he wouldnt want to talk to me on the phone, or when he did, he wouldnt pay attention, then he told me why, so i dont try to talk to him on the phone unless it's something important.

he hates it when i am negative, especially when i am doubting myself, so i have also toned it down alot.

he hates it when i talk about problems too much, so i also have compromised that to rarely talk about problems that dont really need his advice on.

he hates it when i go shopping, he thinks even walking thru the mall leads to spending money. so i dont request going to the mall very much, if any.

but i get upset at him when he isnt patient with me and his short temper (it's not long lasting).

so i am guessing he wont learn to control his "short" temper ever.