What do think this email means? Need space or good bye?

sundrop · 1st February 2005, 3:34 PM

You personally hurt me some with the name calling and the intentional button pushing. I hurt MOST from the realization that we aren’t healthy for each other. Couples fight and we don’t fight often but when we have it has continuously gotten worse. We’ve both acknowledged it and neither of us have become better people at handling the situation. My way is to get away from you and have a cooling off period. You do something else. I’ve noticed it is easier for you to get under my skin as time goes on. That makes me edgy and more volatile. I feel in less control of my feelings and frustration. At that point you are controlling me with button pushing and I can’t control my frustration. I’ve walked away more than once from you and that is the best way I have found to cool off, again you handle it another way. Nothing is working. As time has gone on and we have accumulated more disagreements, my step back has allowed you to take and take more steps towards me and the name calling has increased. You’ve got me cornered and I can and will lash out. I’ve absorbed all I can trying to keep my head and look at more, than just the problem at the moment. The course we are on will only lead to unforgivable circumstances. By absorbing for so long when I let it out I will know no limits, then we’ll both loose. It is unrealistic to think that if we’d continue that we wouldn’t have another fight. We’ve been down this road, and both said we’d get better at handling bad situations. I take a step back and you take 2 or more forward as time has gone on. That isn’t gonna work heading in this direction…I’ll continue when I have time and people aren’t watching…..

IhavenoFREAKINclue · 1st February 2005, 3:42 PM

It sound like space......But thats just a nice was of saying good bye.

Pocky · 1st February 2005, 3:44 PM

Sounds like a break-up to me.

Quote:

You personally hurt me some with the name calling and the intentional button pushing. I hurt MOST from the realization that we aren’t healthy for each other. Couples fight and we don’t fight often but when we have it has continuously gotten worse. We’ve both acknowledged it and neither of us have become better people at handling the situation. My way is to get away from you and have a cooling off period. You do something else. I’ve noticed it is easier for you to get under my skin as time goes on. That makes me edgy and more volatile. I feel in less control of my feelings and frustration. At that point you are controlling me with button pushing and I can’t control my frustration. I’ve walked away more than once from you and that is the best way I have found to cool off, again you handle it another way. Nothing is working. As time has gone on and we have accumulated more disagreements, my step back has allowed you to take and take more steps towards me and the name calling has increased. You’ve got me cornered and I can and will lash out. I’ve absorbed all I can trying to keep my head and look at more, than just the problem at the moment. The course we are on will only lead to unforgivable circumstances. By absorbing for so long when I let it out I will know no limits, then we’ll both loose. It is unrealistic to think that if we’d continue that we wouldn’t have another fight. We’ve been down this road, and both said we’d get better at handling bad situations. I take a step back and you take 2 or more forward as time has gone on. That isn’t gonna work heading in this direction…I’ll continue when I have time and people aren’t watching…..

alphamale · 1st February 2005, 4:05 PM

he or she will be back but i can't tell if a boy or gurl wrote it.

1st February 2005, 4:08 PM

Sounds to me like he is trying to convince himself it should be over, but he is not convinced.

sundrop · 1st February 2005, 4:26 PM

It's an email from my boyfriend, after a huge argument, as you can tell.
We have been dating for 2 1/2 years. And boy did I screw up.
His email was sent to me, after I sent him several apologizing out the wazoo, and admitting I was wrong to have said the things I said and acted the way I did. It was inappropriate.
I have tried to give him some space but boy is it hard. I just want to hug him and make sure everything is ok, but I'm not convinced myself it is.
He is currently out of town with work for four days (today is day two) and I am about to go out of my skin.
Thanks for all the thoughts, I appreciate them .

ReluctantRomeo · 1st February 2005, 4:28 PM

It's a boy wrote it, I think. I agree with the llama... he's trying to convince himself. I guess give him the space and see if he comes back.

There's a clue in the bit about him "taking steps back" or "walking away" - he definitely feels cornered. Maybe space will take that feeling away.

Sorry sundrop - it's a real pig to get a mail like this.

sundrop · 3rd February 2005, 11:44 AM

Well, I guess I pushed him to much in a corner and its over as of last night.
He called me Tuesday night and we chatted like old times, he was telling me about one of his friends and we talked for about 30 minutes. Well of course I am really excited, thinking ok this is going to be okay over time.
Well i called him last night just to chat and he was really short with me, saying he had a really bad long day, and he bit my head off about something and I got upset and got off the phone. Well 30 minutes later he calls ME back, says he's sorry that he didn't mean to bite my head off, it wasn't my fault, but this is really hard for him right now, I explained that I knew because its hard for e too. but I do want to make this work, and if he needs space then that is what he will get, anyway we talked for over an hour about everything and then without warning he said he cant deal with this, its over its done.
I'm getting to many mixed signals. If he wants his space so bad then why does he call?

ReluctantRomeo · 3rd February 2005, 1:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sundrop
I'm getting to many mixed signals. If he wants his space so bad then why does he call?

Sundrop, the truth is that the brain and the heart don't always co-ordinate well on this kind of issue. He may well have decided it's over, but his heart still reaches out to you for support and sympathy. Or because he still wants to look after you. Or because he feels insecure newly single, and needs to maintain a safety net for the time being. Or...

The only solution for you as dumpee is to stop initiating contact, be far less available (if not positively unavailable) to his contact and get on with your life. Brutal, but the truth. It stops him messing with your heart. It gives you space to reconstruct your life. And it's the best chance - but no guarantees, so don't rely on this - of making him realise what he has lost.

I'm in the 3rd week of no contact. Before that, I spent 2 weeks letting ReluctantJuliette contact me, ringing her back and being supportive. My support was crucial in enabling her to get thru those 2 weeks - if I had been out of contact, she would as likely as not have reconsidered the breakup. As it was, each day she grew a little more confident in her decision, each day I looked a little more needy and therefore diminished in her eyes. And each day hurt me.

I so wish I had followed my wise mother's advice and gone no contact immediately I was dumped. There's a wisdom in this.

sundrop · 3rd February 2005, 1:24 PM

Thanks Romeo,
The sad thing I still hold out hope. We had broken up befre and after two months of seperation gotten back together and I hope it may happen again. I know I need to do the No Contact thing but it sucks, I mss my bestfriend and that breaks my heart more than anything.
I wish there was a way I could show him how much I love him, But he knows or says he does and that he loves me too as of last night.

Merin · 3rd February 2005, 1:31 PM

Hmm.. from the email he wrote you after the arguement it seems that while he cares about you, and doesn't really want to let go of the relationship.. that he also doesn't see things changing in a good direction and he EXPECTS the worst..

Fighting in relationships sucks.. I know everyone has thier problems and issues.. but I've also been in a relationship that the words left scars.. we were also together for almost 2 years and in the end although I didn't want to.. I ended the relationship because time and history had proved to me that things were not ever going to change..

I wish you the best.

ReluctantRomeo · 3rd February 2005, 1:35 PM

I feel for you, Sundrop. This situation sucks... I know how it works.

Isn't there a Bible verse that says "hope deferred makes the heart sick"? I've had my fair share of this kind of sickness these past few weeks

And going from hero to zero almost overnight... ReluctantJuliette was my best friend and confidante, not just my girlfriend. Another quote for you. This describes my experience:

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which
I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and
falling into at night."
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Be strong, sweetie.

sundrop · 3rd February 2005, 1:42 PM

Thanks Merlin,
I was going to type a well maybe and an excuse for him, that maybe after things calm down it will work, He has a high stress job and it's going to be crazy for him the next few weeks at work, but it's time I quite making excuses.
We both agree we get along great, but when we fight they have been doozies, and its from past baggage I carry from my ex husband. After this last fight I realized what I had caused and what I could potentially loose, ad wet to get help and talk to someone, not only for this relationship but for any potential ones.
Hopefully he will see that I am trying. Maybe a little to late.

sundrop · 3rd February 2005, 1:44 PM

Yep Romeo, that quote fits me to a T right now.
Night is the worest time.

Merin · 3rd February 2005, 1:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sundrop
Thanks Merlin,
I was going to type a well maybe and an excuse for him, that maybe after things calm down it will work, He has a high stress job and it's going to be crazy for him the next few weeks at work, but it's time I quite making excuses.
We both agree we get along great, but when we fight they have been doozies, and its from past baggage I carry from my ex husband. After this last fight I realized what I had caused and what I could potentially loose, ad wet to get help and talk to someone, not only for this relationship but for any potential ones.
Hopefully he will see that I am trying. Maybe a little to late.

You're Welcome Sundrop..

That is the thing.. and I'm glad you see it.
When I was with my EXBF.. I loved being with him BUT when we would argue they were bad, really bad.

Everyone with some life experience has baggage.. and again, IMO it's about recognizing what YOUR OWN baggage and issues are and finding ways to make things better and okay for you..

Something I've told my Now BF.. that I know I have baggage but I'm working on it.. and I know he has baggage and I'm willing to carry that for him on occassion BUT not all the time.. it isn't mine to carry you know?

I hope it isn't to late for you and your BF.. and I hope IF the 2 of you choose to stay together you can both find ways to find different solutions to the issues you have in the relationship.

Posting here helps.. and if you just need someone to listen or offer another perspective.. I'm willing to listen or help out...

Good Luck