[Kate]

i have a question for the guys. i am dating a great guy. he is open about the fact that he fantasizes about strippers, has thrown parties with strippers at his house, goes to strip clubs sometimes and generally thinks strippers are hot. i appreciate his openness, and what doesn't bother me at ALL is thinking for a minute he would get sexually involved with any of them. that's not my concern...my question is:

what relation to a girlfriend does all this stripper stuff have in a guy's mind? what do strippers do for a guy that a hot girlfriend can not? where do i, as a girlfriend, draw the line? i'm pretty open minded, but i don't relish the thought that a nasty stripper -- who is probably coked up and turning tricks -- could serve as a bigger or better fantasy for my boyfriend than me.

my boyfriend is cool because he has been so OPEN and nonchalant in telling me random things about how he likes watching strippers -- he seemingly has nothing to hide and this is most important to me. but, i worry that i might have a problem with it replacing anything that should be held only for him and me. i'm pretty liberal in general, but when it comes to sex and intimacy, i like to save everything for just between the two of us.

i want anything sexual to only be between my bf and i, and the love of strippers really bothers me -- but, i'm writing here about this because if i perhaps understand it better (from other people's perspectives), maybe it won't be as important to me anymore.

some questions for guys who love their gfs but love strippers and porn:

1)what does a stripper provide for you that a gf can not? why can't you act out the same fantasies with your gf?
2)what do you think about when you watch a stripper or porn
3)how do you "protect" your relationship with regard to your "habits" concerning porn and strippers
4)does porn/strippers ever make a guy MORE attracted to his gf or MORE sexual toward her?
5)does the interest level in porn/strippers ever decrease after being in a good relationship?
6)overall, what is the neccessity for porn/strippers? what does it DO for a guy?
7)when guys get together in groups and rent strippers, what goes through their heads? Is it just a male bonding experience?
8)can a guy love porn and strippers and also truly love and respect his gf?
9)how far do guys want their gfs to go in terms of acting like strippers/porn stars in the bed room?
10)how important is it to a guy for his gf to act out his fantasies?

besides all my questions, i have decided to not yet broach the subject with my boyfriend -- there is nothing i can CHANGE about it right now. i want to have all of my info before i tell him something bothers me. IN ADDITION, i have decided to take strip tease classes. at least i can feel as sexy as i think he thinks these strippers/porn actresses are. my goal is to knock his socks so far off one day that the one he really fantasizes about is me.

please help me shed some light on this sensitive issue. i know that things like this have been known to break up a relationship or two and really interfere with emotions/jealousy. i doubt that will happen to me, just because my bf is such a good communicator and hasn't hid anything from me ... but i don't want to voice my opinion so much that he starts to. he sees nothing wrong with renting strippers on occassion...and i do. it's cheating, to me. sex should be more sacred...

what do you think?

[johnnyapples]

You raised some interesting questions and I applaud you for trying to see what you can do in this relationship. But you also have to tread carefully as there could be deeper reasons why he loves the strippers so much. Most guys I know, use strippers and porn as a way of getting through dry spells or just a way of hanging around a bunch of guys. A kind of pastime. However, the occasion is usually spawned by 1 or 2 guys who really fantasize about it a lot and the others just tag along for the fun.

1)what does a stripper provide for you that a gf can not? why can't you act out the same fantasies with your gf?
2)what do you think about when you watch a stripper or porn
3)how do you "protect" your relationship with regard to your "habits" concerning porn and strippers
4)does porn/strippers ever make a guy MORE attracted to his gf or MORE sexual toward her?
5)does the interest level in porn/strippers ever decrease after being in a good relationship?
6)overall, what is the neccessity for porn/strippers? what does it DO for a guy?
7)when guys get together in groups and rent strippers, what goes through their heads? Is it just a male bonding experience?
8)can a guy love porn and strippers and also truly love and respect his gf?
9)how far do guys want their gfs to go in terms of acting like strippers/porn stars in the bed room?
10)how important is it to a guy for his gf to act out his fantasies?

1&2) The stripper thing -- 2 sides to it. Some guys like to think they may have a chance with an sexually-charged and in-control type of a woman. They fantasize about all the different types of women in the same room that they can pick and choose to dance for them. A type of boost to their ego. Some guys just tease themselves and just relish in the fact that there are beautiful women in front of them, dancing, teasing them with possible sexual favors, but of course, "no touching". G/Fs are usually more wholesome and wouldn't do that (i say... usuaully, because most guys just exercise their demons going to the strip clubs). As for porn, sometimes guys just want to see how the "professionals" do it and fantasize that they are the guys doing the deed. Most of the time, guys are not thinking of sleeping with other women, but trying to feel more secure in their own ability to please a girl.
3) There are a couple of ways, I think, that you can protect your relationship. Openly discuss it with them. Maybe watch one or two and tell them what you do and don't like. Possibly act out a scene or two (that you feel comfortable with; make sure you lay down your ground rules) with him. And slowly coax him off of the need for porn/strippers.
4) Porn/Strippers do not necessarily make a guy more attracted to his g/f. That's from my experience and from observing other guys. In guys mind, most of the time, its a separate issue. They go and watch the porn and visit the strippers and just have fun. Its like drinking a beer and watching a cool TV program. Sometimes, they bring back some ideas and try to act it out or WISH their girlfriend would act it out. But most of the time, its a totally separate issue.
5 & 6) This is kind of like question #3. The thing is -- you have to find out why he likes them so much. This will take some time and a lot of your intuition. Guys can like porn/strippers b/c of their own insecurity in their performance. GUys can like that stuff b/c they need to feel "like a man" or they have a need to think about the all the "assets" of different girls they may not have a chance to see or experience in real life. They must just be doing it 'cause other guys are expecting them to act that way. Who knows -- each guy is a little different in why they get obsessed with it. As for the relationship part -- I would like to think a good girlfriend always takes the guys' mind away from the need to watch more porn or visit strippers, but you will need to know why he REALLY goes in the first place.
7) Yes... it is a male bonding experience. Like I said earlier, usually its just a few guys in the group that are really into it and the rest of them just follow. The others are expected to enjoy the same things and "act like a man". Guys want to see how other guys react to the strippers and pseudo-act out their fantasies. Its like having a temporary ghetto version of the playboy mansion in a hotel room. Please understand -- not all guys like that. I don't like it. #1, its degrading to the woman (and can be scary), and #2, I just think its kind of awkward and weird to have a half naked woman among 10 guys drinking booze and smoking and yelling and laughing at each other.
8 & 9) These are tough questions. Each guy is different. Some guys are much more mature and can separate fantasy from reality. Some guys can't. If you decide to act like the fantasy -- you have to realize that you are crossing a very fine line. I don't know how to tell you how he would feel ... but here are two possible scenarios. #1. he might lose a little respect for you and start using you to fulfill his fantasies b/c he sees that you are willing to do so. at first its exciting for him, but it might turn out that he doesn't want that in HIS girlfriend. #2. he may feel comfortable sharing his sexual desires with you and be even more open in the phsyical sense. he may want to try new things and the relationship could be more fun and interesting. who knows... its a really tricky situation to get yourself into.
10) THere are things to be said to be able to act out your fantasies and keeping them as your fantasies. I think you will need to decide what you are comfortable with. For a guy, sometimes getting what he wants, doesn't actually make him happy. A threesome is always a tricky emotional situation, for example. But a g/f doing a strip tease is different.

he sees nothing wrong with renting strippers on occassion...and i do. it's cheating, to me. sex should be more sacred...

This is a conversation you should have with him. If he is open about talking about his love for strippers -- you should tell him how you feel about it. I agree with you -- sex should be more sacred. But you have to understand, for a guy, watching a stripper and watching porn isn't sex. Its ... just watching porn and watching strippers. Its like opening a bag of delicious chocolate candy, take a whif of it, and putting the bag down and not thinking about it again. I don't knwo if that's a good analogy or not, but take it for what its worth.

You seem to really like this guy and want to make the relationship work. Talk to him and verbalize what you feel. Understand that he doens't think its cheating because there isn't really sex going on... just observation. And also remember, this could be an addiction on his part or it could be some latent feeling that he HAS to be involved or watch or do these things because he is expected to as a guy. Who knows. And if he cannot stop and you still feel hurt -- then it might be time to move on to guys who are not into that stuff. Trust me, there are plenty of those guys around.

Its a lot of rambling above -- and I didn't have time to proof-read -- hope it helps.

[Kate]

thanks, that does help. i know he doesn't do it cause he thinks he has to in order to be a man -- his attitude is like, "yea, i like strippers, who doesn't?" i think it's just that i don't know exactly WHY he likes strippers...but i suspect/hope it's just innocent, like you said about simple observation, being a guy. he seems to have really strong morals and treats me great, so it could be he's just really sexually charged and enjoys his manly sexuality. for whatever reason, it makes him feel good...

i dont' know that this is a conversation i'm ready to have with him yet. the reason is, things he has said have rubbed me the wrong way before ... and i have given them time to resonate, and he will then come out with a totally different statement regarding the issue that i realize i had the wrong impression of. for instance, he likes strippers etc., but one comment came out of his mouth when i told him that i met some famous male atheletes, and they were hanging out with strippers for fun, etc. -- my guy said, "well that just tells you they don't have much depth as people"...so i guess what i take from it thus far is that he enjoys the idea of strippers and porn (i like porn too!) but wouldn't sickly immerse himself in a situation. maybe he just enjoys being a guy and the idea that he can have things, even though he may not want them.

i know the line to cross or not to cross with respect to acting out his fantasies. he is only the 2nd guy i have been with thus far who is VERY sexual -- not just emotionally sexual, but physically. the part that makes me feel secure is that he has made LOVE to me, not just sex. so he is clear on his emotional needs, i feel. the other part is perhaps something we can both share together.

i think for the meantime i am better off not mentioning anything, because 1) even if he STOPS doing things that i am insecure about, it won't STOP his thoughts or wishes about it!! and nothing is solved! 2) if i hold out on any comments or insecurities, it may actually make him think about it/desire it less. i think that by me voicing my concerns over it, it may only validate to him i don't understand it and that i am totally seperate from his fantasies. 3)if it ever crosses the line of respect, i will act. for now i think i want to understand it, downplay it for effects and see what happens. but that's why i'm writing here because i just want to understand it for what it IS in a guy's mind. you have helped...

[johnnyapples]

Glad I could help ....

As for your concerns:

1) even if he STOPS doing things that i am insecure about, it won't STOP his thoughts or wishes about it!! and nothing is solved! 2) if i hold out on any comments or insecurities, it may actually make him think about it/desire it less. i think that by me voicing my concerns over it, it may only validate to him i don't understand it and that i am totally seperate from his fantasies. 3)if it ever crosses the line of respect, i will act. for now i think i want to understand it, downplay it for effects and see what happens. but that's why i'm writing here because i just want to understand it for what it IS in a guy's mind. you have helped...

1. Find out why he wants to continue -- that will help you figure it out. If it is just something he enjoys and that's it (very innocent), then find how to be less insecure about it. Otherwise, you can always be proactive and tell him, "Go to these strip clubs less often. Make love to me each time you want to go ... " or "teach me something new in bed" or something that makes him think of you when he has an impulse to go out there. A little ego boost never hurts.

2. Yes, this may be true. Who knows. Perhaps you might go with him to the strip club and tell him that you really want to know what he sees in it. I've seen couples that go to strip clubs together. This is a hard call as you know him best at this point.

3. Thanks and Good luck!!

[FolderWife]

My husband said it best and worst, "There's just something about them."

I was sitting here trying to figure out why I as a WOMAN like to look at sexy women in sexy clothes and doing sexy things, and I JUST DON'T KNOW! It sucks. It appears that men use these things for fantasy purposes. What their fantasizing about, is beyond me, since I'm a woman.

I like to look at them, but I'm not fantasizing about being with them

Why do you look at sexy women?

[johnnyapples]

I'm not a psychologist -- but from what I gather from all the "experts" out there ... men's brains are wired differently. Its wired to procreate. The more the better. Its about making sure their seed (or their legacy) survives. That could be one reason...

For most guys, strippers is just a passing thing that most people don't obsessed over. There is *something* about strippers that men like -- its the confidence and control that a sexy woman expresses in the club. She is very free in her sexuality and seems to enjoy herself. That is what is alluring. Also, the guy feels special because the women come up to him, he doens't have to do anything. Its like an ego-boost. So those little pleasures just make a guy want to go back -- because its fun, its easy and it makes him feel good. Most guys think that Hugh Heffner is the god of all women and love the fact that young, beautiful, scantily-clad women fall all over this playboy. So they fantasize about having this power and the fact they feel special around these women. Its also true that most men understand that this is JUST a fantasy. They are never going to get anywhere with these girls. Most guys are insecure anyway.

I hope that helps you understand why a lot of men are okay with strippers ...

[WalkingTall]

Originally posted by Kate

1)what does a stripper provide for you that a gf can not? why can't you act out the same fantasies with your gf?
2)what do you think about when you watch a stripper or porn
3)how do you "protect" your relationship with regard to your "habits" concerning porn and strippers
4)does porn/strippers ever make a guy MORE attracted to his gf or MORE sexual toward her?
5)does the interest level in porn/strippers ever decrease after being in a good relationship?
6)overall, what is the neccessity for porn/strippers? what does it DO for a guy?
7)when guys get together in groups and rent strippers, what goes through their heads? Is it just a male bonding experience?
8)can a guy love porn and strippers and also truly love and respect his gf?
9)how far do guys want their gfs to go in terms of acting like strippers/porn stars in the bed room?
10)how important is it to a guy for his gf to act out his fantasies?

Well I will add a bit to this from someone totally in love with my GF (not that everyone else isn't....with their own ) I was engaged to an ex-dancer (stripper) so this may be a little different.

I do see the very occasional stripper, when the guys want to go out, but I almost need to be dragged there. I love how women look and move... having said that, strippers for the most part seem to move their bodies a bit differently, trying to be more sexual than sensual. Most of the time it does absolutely nothing for me, and on the rare occassion it makes me want to jump my gf right then and there. It's not about the woman who is dancing... she is creating a sexually charged atmosphere, just as if you were to flirt with your man overtly for a long period of time. The focus is on us.... we don't have to do anything, just have women pretend they are interested in us... no worries of doing anything wrong that could affect the relationship, cause there is none...

Having said that, there are a few guys out there that really like strippers, flirting with them, dating them everything about them. Its the air of pure detached sexuality that they are drawn to. I can only go by what someone told me about his addiction (expensive one at that) to these girls. To him they are fantasy women that he wants.

This may seem a little skewed but for me I do enjoy a little bit of porn now and again, not because of the women themselves but the act that they are performing. It may not necessarily be something that you partner would do for you, so it's again a fantasy thing. I find classy women much more attractive... but as the song goes "A lady in the street .... and a freak in the bed"

As for protecting a relationship, it really depends on the people involved and how much of an addiction there is. Some couples go together, some discuss the underlying need for outside sexual stimulation, and some hide from the issue altogether. Confronting it and being honest (as in this instance) is a great start. I have told my gf that I do look at porn now and again, and she was fine with that. She knows that she is the only one I want, and I am totally committed to her.

Being in a good relationship where ample communication is present will greatly influence the need for strippers / porn. If the need is fantasy based, as in having stripper fantasies, or acting out things seen in porn, that can be overcome with communication. I know my first fantasy after watching porn was anal sex, and I communicated that, and now its a rewarding part of our sex life for the both of us. Now if it's about an image of a woman with a certain body type, and you don't meet that image, there may be a bigger issue to overcome.

For myself, I do not want my gf acting like a stripper or a porn star.... I find it incredibly fake and devoid of intimacy. I would see it as lowering herself. As for acting out fantasies, I like pushing the envelope to the extent that is mutually satisfying for my relationship. I can say that I would like to try most things with my GF, and if it's not something one of us enjoys, then never again. Some fantasies are best left that way... just fantasies.

I hope this gave you a little bit of insight into what men think when it comes to this. If you want more clarification or questions feel free... I would be glad to help!

[sid3]

Glad to see your doing well K. Been awhile. Hope you don't mind my thoughts on this topic.
I think there are some men who cannot truly be satisified with just the intimacy with their wife/girlfriend. Maybe it is an old fashion view, but if your in love, have the chemistry, passsion etc,why is there a desire to see another naked woman?brains being wired different is a nice scientific explanation, but one can never truly hide what's within their heart.your right, Sex should be sacred. I know people say everything in moderation, but really.I'm not sure what the girl I'm seeing would say if I decided I wanted to check out strippers, probably see ya. I wouldn't blame her. Although I doubt she'll be taking strip tease classes anytime soon, I know she'd feel betrayed and like things just weren't right if I wanted to see boobs other than hers. Anyhow, sounds like again your going to every effort to please your man, thata girl, this time though, remember your boundaries you discovered last time around. Look out or number one....you!

[P1xie]

I dance and I find the men come in for either companionship or because they feel that in a normal environment they would not have a chance talking to beautiful girls. It's an ego booster when you got some hot girl taking interest in you even though 98% of the time the girls don't have any real interest in the guys they talk to. They don't seem to notice or maybe they don't care because they like the attention. Then you get the group of guys out for the "Guy's Night Out".

7)when guys get together in groups and rent strippers, what goes through their heads? Is it just a male bonding experience?

I laugh at that...going to a club together I can see but when guys sit around and watch porns together I think of it as a "Circle Jerk". My boyfriend was so pissed at me when I told him that. Wouldn't that be a bonding experience?

please help me shed some light on this sensitive issue. i know that things like this have been known to break up a relationship or two and really interfere with emotions/jealousy. i doubt that will happen to me, just because my bf is such a good communicator and hasn't hid anything from me ... but i don't want to voice my opinion so much that he starts to. he sees nothing wrong with renting strippers on occasion...and i do. it's cheating, to me. sex should be more sacred...

what do you think?

I can tell you this when you rent a stripper you get a heck of a lot more than when you are in a club! Money talks with some of the girls. Also the clubs can have different rules. I know where I'm from most of the 18 and over clubs are really nasty. The girl do some nasty lap dances. At the club I work at there is absolutely no touching! They even have hidden cameras. If you do touch they turn on the house lights and you could lose your job.

[Kate]

i'm really open minded and appreciate all the comments. fortunately i don't feel JEALOUS, i feel or felt CONCERNED. since i didn't want to broach the subject with him earlier (didn't want to make a big deal if it wasn't one) i came here...

turns out that lately (this has nothing to do with the strippers/porn) he has felt insecure with my feelings for him. he finally opened up (cried) about the fact that he is falling fast and told me "i am scared". his openness allowed ME to be open and question him -- turns out that my thoughts were much worse than the reality of his likeness of strippers/porn. the party he threw was at a friend's request, and it was only once. we also have a very healthy sex life, and he's really held back from anything "kinky" as it's more like lovemaking at this stage -- hence his emotions. in addition, i don't think he really has the time to OBSESS over stuff like porn, etc. we had a very long talk about the fact that i was concerned over his infatuations. i don't think they were what i thought they were. at least they are healthier in nature.

i could care less if he frequents the strip club from time to time. but i do NOT EVER want him inviting strippers to his house! even for a party. the fact is, there is a difference from one girl to the next and i trust him compeltely, but i don't appreciate the desensitization that happens at those things/parties.

overall, i'm just glad that he and I don't have issues together. i know how he feels about stds and monogamy, and he was scared i wouldn't feel the same. at least he's open about everything, and obvsiouly thought the stripper/porn stuff wouldn't bother me. at least he knows how i feel now, i have a gage to work with. if he does something i don't like (which i doubt he will, i laid it out for him GOOD when he was emotional and tearing over our relationship) i will just crack the whip!! haha

[WalkingTall]

I am happy for you two!!! It usually is alot less than what we think. Another case where communication turns a negative into a closer relationship!

[Darkiya]

Some girls watch porn to, myself included. Mostly it's out of fascination like a form of entertainment. I don't think it's any more damaging than watching a movie with an abusive husband or a flick where people kill other people (80% of them are like that). I think fantasies are perfectly natural things to have and won't deter from a real relationship. It's when the line between reality and fantasy blurs that one needs to worry.

If your boyfriend watches man-on-sheep porn it may be a fantasy he can explore safely either out of entertainment or other reasons but it's perfectly fine as a fantasy. When he starts to molest sheep--then there's a real huge problem.

This is why I respect the Japanese. They have some of the craziest, nastiest crap out there on the market but its the sort of stuff that's kept behind doors and never talked about. It's one thing to explore a dirty mind but another to act upon it.

As far as the stripper thing is concerned.... which is more important to you? The eyes or the heart? Your boyfriend really really cares for you and is comfortable enough to talk about these things with you. If it really bugs you talk to him about it otherwise realize that... he won't sleep with them so what does it hurt?

[UCFKevin]

I'm single but I can relate some stuff to when I was taken:

1)what does a stripper provide for you that a gf can not? another body. another girl. but no sex. or kissing. or anything, really. so it ain't cheating.

why can't you act out the same fantasies with your gf? because it's kinda silly.

2)what do you think about when you watch a stripper or porn? "God, I'd love to bang her if I was single."

3)how do you "protect" your relationship with regard to your "habits" concerning porn and strippers. Well I didn't go to a stripclub when I was taken but she was vocal about not caring if I did for a bachelor party or anything. And she knew I watched porn and yanked off often.

4)does porn/strippers ever make a guy MORE attracted to his gf or MORE sexual toward her? Sure as hell does. Porn/strippers make guys horny.

5)does the interest level in porn/strippers ever decrease after being in a good relationship? Strippers? Yes. Porn? No.

6)overall, what is the neccessity for porn/strippers? what does it DO for a guy? Provides a visual tool for masturbation.

7)when guys get together in groups and rent strippers, what goes through their heads? I dunno. Never done it.

Is it just a male bonding experience? Maybe.

8)can a guy love porn and strippers and also truly love and respect his gf? Yup. It's not one or the other.

9)how far do guys want their gfs to go in terms of acting like strippers/porn stars in the bed room? Not very. Like I said, it's silly.

10)how important is it to a guy for his gf to act out his fantasies? Guys don't have fantasies. This is one thing women have to begin realizing. Sure, a guy might want a girl to dress up, but that's about it. Guys just want the girl to be there to have sex with. That's it. Plain and simple truth. Accept it.

[Darkiya]

Guys don't have fantasies?!

Um, okay maybe you don't but.... there's quite a few guys who do. Trust me on this one.

[zara]

The fact is that as Kevin mentoned - a guy doesn't want to see his gf try to dance for him, he's more likely to find it embarrasing than erotic. With a stripper the man is free to impose his unrestrained erotic thoughts on us, but he feels guilty about doing that to the woman he loves. Plus, strippers are professionally sexy, we have the body, hair, tan, make-up, nails, clothes, shoes, etc - the whole package - in the very distinctive environment of a club. Even if it's out of the club, it really is the professional confidence that makes us so attractive.

But the fact is that a man never wants to emotionally engage with a stripper, therefore it is no threat to your relationship.