[very_sorry]

Hi, this is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right forum. I think maybe some people who went through the affair stuff can help me.

I am a MM and I had an affair one year ago with a co-worker. I had been married for only 3 years and I know, it really sucks that I was able to make this stupid mistake in such a short time. The amazing thing is that I love my wife more than anything, I was and I am completely in love with her and I cannot even think of not spending the rest of my life with her. But still I screwed up big time.

My wife is very smart, independent and has a very strong personality. We always had a very passionate relationship but right after our marriage she started working more and more and we were not spending too much time together. I was hurt and I told her I was not happy about that, that I missed her, and she should spent more quality time with me. I was very happy about her career, I was very proud of her accomplishments and everything else, but I also thought she should put me - and our marriage - in the first place and we had lots of arguments about that. I never thought I was being selfish but she saw it as my attempt to "make her a housewife kind of woman" and that was not what I wanted for sure. I don't know, we clearly had major communication problems and unfortunately I chose the wrong way to have my needs met.

I am in no way justifying what I did, there were one million other ways to fix whatever was wrong with our marriage and I just chose the easy way out, I know that. This woman who worked with me was always very tender, very nice, very concerned and I was feeling needy and she was there, that's it. I wasn't in love with her, I wasn't completely overwhelmed by the sex neither I ever thought about leaving my wife. She was just there, and I know that sounds very cold but I'm being honest with you. I wanted some "loving time" and she gave me that in a time my wife had other priorities in her life.

This stupid thing went on for 4 months, not an everyday thing, more like once a week. It was OK, but I was not happy with her, she was not happy with me and we thought it would be better to just end our relationship. We were still working for the same company for a while but then she got another job and we never met again. My wife got settled in her new position, she was still working way too much, but things got better and I just accepted the fact that although my wife loves me she is not the type who will put a husband as the most important thing in her life. I don't want to be unfair to her, my wife is not unemotional at all, she always showed me how much she loved me and cared about me, it was just I wanted more but it's probably some issue I have to deal with. This is not a problem to me anymore, I love her and just want to be with her.

I have read hundreds of posts here where everybody says that the WH has to tell his wife about the affair as soon as possible and I wish I had found this site before. I never told her anything of course, I thought it was just a stupid mistake and if she didn't know about it she wouldn't be hurt. Maybe I was right, the only thing is that I think there's no way to keep something like that a secret forever. The woman I have an affair with talked about it with some of her friends and then you know... a friend tell another friend who tell another friend... my wife found out in about 3 months after it was finished.

It was hell, but I never lied to her, when she confronted me I told her the truth and my "justification" for doing it, how left out I was feeling, that I felt she didn't love me enough, everything. I was expecting her to yell at me, to kick my a*s, whatever. I was expecting her to be really furious with me and of course I would deserve it. But she was not, I wish she was, she is really emotional and I know how to handle her anger. But instead she was so deeply hurt she couldn't even yell at me. I never saw her so sad, so disappointed and so distant. I begged for her forgiveness, I promised I won't ever do that again (and I won't) but she didn't want to listen, she just packed her things and left me alone. I told her I would leave our house and then we could talk later but she just left. It was the most horrible moment in my life.

After some days we met and we could talk and eventually (after some months) we moved in together again. We never REALLY discussed what happened because she just didn't want to talk about it and she told me very clearly that she decided to just move on. She says she sees no point of talking about something she cannot change and that nothing I can tell her will ever make her forget what happened. She told me there will not be a third chance and if I screw up again that's it. I have no contact with that woman and I don't want to, I am fully committed to regain her trust again if that's possible. I told her maybe we should have some counselling but she said no and that I was trying to blame her for what I did. That was not my intention at all, I don't know, I really need advices because I clearly don't know how to communicate, and I don't want to hurt her anymore.

We are now 1 year from my affair and it really sucks... she is not the same with me, yes she never talked about it again, she doesn't even mention it but she is a completely different person, very distant... I told her I could see she was not over it and we should talk about it or maybe talk to somebody but she doesn't want to. She asked me what is the problem, don’t we have sex almost everyday? Isn’t it good? I told her sex was never the problem, I was very happy with what we had, I WAS JUST STUPID. She asked me don't I take care of you, the house, everything else? Don't I look beautiful? Don't I listen to your problems and help you whenever you need? I said yes, you do all those things to me, but I want INTIMACY, I want YOU to talk to me, I want YOU to share YOUR feelings and YOUR problems, I want YOU to tell me you hate me and you hate what I did and what a jerk I am, anything, but just TALK TO ME. She said "I can't do that, what we have now is the maximum I can give you. Take it or leave it". Those were her words, take it or leave it.

I don't know what to do. I LOVE MY WIFE, I know I was an a**hole and she didn't deserve it but I REALLY LOVE HER. I read so many books and I'm trying to learn the most I can to try to make her happy and maybe one day she can forget what happened and just be happy with me. But it takes two people to make it work... I need some guidance, how to make her to be open to me again? Or I just have to take whatever I have?

[sylviaguardian]

Wow, what a sad story. It just underlines every other post here - that affairs are pointless and nobody wins. It sounds like your wife is trying to protect herself to make sure she can't be hurt again. Maybe it's just her way of dealing with it, but I agree with you, for the sake of your long-term future it is not a good way to be.

Maybe it would help if you wrote your wife a letter and first of all, apologised, but then outlined some of the things you wrote here. Perhaps as well as looking at what you were missing in the relationship, you need to look inside yourself and try to work out why you chose to have an affair as a solution. From your wife's point of view, I don't think you should underline too much that she was distant or worked too much. It will seem too much like you are criticising her.

As you say, there were 100 hundred other things that you could have done to make the situation better so why did an affair seem like a good solution? I think you need to look inside yourself for that answer.

Good Luck,
Sylvia

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by very_sorry
....how to make her to be open to me again

This is not something that you can control. It's not something that you can make happen. It's a matter of someone else's healing.

That's not to say that you can't create an atmosphere around her that is supportive and understanding. You can put a coin in her LoveBank every day. But this isn't something that YOU can fix, no matter how much you want to. It's a process and it takes time.

They say it takes approximately 2 years for the reconciliation of a marriage after an incident of infidelity. You're only about half-way there.

Try the MarriageBuilders website for more information, paying particular attention to the LoveBank section. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...000_intro.html You have depleted her love for you, and it needs to be rebuilt, one day at a time.

You'll have better success when you are really in it for HER. When you can put YOUR AGENDA aside, and concentrate fully on meeting her needs. She knows exactly what it is that you want. You want your relationship fixed. She needs to feel prioritized ahead of that. She needs to feel that you really care about what she wants.

This is all about patience. It takes time to prove your words with actions. Your words failed her once already. Now she has to see if your actions will match your current promises.

[whichwayisup]

I'm really sorry you are going through this...Both of you. Seems very painful and I can tell how honest you are, how much you're hurting and how much you love your wife and want your marriage to work.

Seems she is not ready to take that chance and trust you again. Going to therapy, talking, hearing eachother - good and bad stuff...She just is not willing to go there because she is terrified of getting hurt again. And she also isn't ready to admit a tiny part in this. IT wasn't her fault, but something wasn't right and it got you thinking. Bad cirumstances - A woman at work just "there" for you "waiting" and wanting to "help" you, and be there for you. Too easy and you not in a good frame of mind, gave in. I'm sorry you're wife found out through someone else. But she knows and she has to deal with it, not run from it. I do hope she comes around and works with you, instead of against you.

Maybe ask her to jump on and read your post and our replies to you it could help? Just a suggestion.

If she is not willing to go to therapy yet, go for YOU. Maybe if she see's you going and the efforts you put in to save the marriage she will come around again.

All I can say really is, until she comes around, tell her how much you love her, show her in actions not just words...

Take care and keep on posting.

[michelangelo]

You know, when you had the conversation with your wife where she said to you "this is the best I can give you, take it or leave it", she was transmitting more information to you than just those hurt and wounded words.

She'd listed to you all the things she did for you and left out her heart. She did this on purpose.

She is very hurt by you and angry. but it is too soon for her to let you know it in the way you want to know. In fact, I'd say she's holding onto her anger and hurt feelings because she doesn't want you to have the satisfaction of knowing her most personal thoughts regarding you.

Why? Because your insistence to know and have her express this is seen by someone betrayed by their spouse as yet more selfishness on your part. It's perceived as all about you, wanting to get over it, to have the BH heal up so you the WS can move on.

Sound complicated? You bet.

She told you she'd moved on because she doesn't want you to have the satisfaction of seeing her pain.

Mind you, you may not be relieved or satisfied to see her pain, but I'm telling you of the thought process.

others have told you about a two-year mark for this grieving period. It can take a lot longer than that.

Yes, it is well and good that you are remorseful for your incredibly stupid and thoughtless tossing away of your marriage vows. But you can't set the timeline for your wife to get over it -- if she ever will. You are not the stage manager of this.

[debs]

Have you thought that this is her way of dealing with your infidelity?

But I do agree she is going over board with the distancing herself.

With Valentines coming up why don't you go ahead and make arrangements for a weekend away? Maybe that would break the ice a bit?

I was the one who was cheated on and I know what your wife is going through but I saw my H now exH truly loved the girl and I gave him a choice! I made the right decision for all concerned!

Did I beg, argue or anything, why bother he was into her and not into me. No way around that one it was a "no brainer!"

I wish you well with cracking your wife's emotions and her opening up to what she feels!

It will be a long road and sometimes even though it appears the 2 of you have come to terms it never does go away. My 1st exH did this and yes I took him back but did it last, hmmm 5 years! He never talked much about it and from who it was he was involved with shish a cat would look better! that is no lie!

Take care and stop beating yourself up over it, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be!

[ThumbingMyWay]

VS

alot of us here, know exactly what your going thru. Its not an easy road.

You have made it a year without marriage counseling, I highly suggest that you seek it NOW. If your wife dont want to, then you should. I would hope she would change her mind though.

Not to sound cliche, but IMHO, you have the classic textbook affair. Husband feels loney and seeks affection from someone else. Now, I am not saying it is all your fault, but you did CHOOSE to have the affair. BUT, your wife did have a part in it.....becasue, she wasnt meeting some of your most important emotional needs.

My situ was the same....My wife cheated, because I wasnt meeting her needs. I didnt want to seem controling, so I just let her do what ever she wanted....and she inturn took that as if I didnt care....and the sprial started and she ended up straying from our marriage. So I was part of the problem. As is your wife....but she may not agree with that....as I didnt either, but I realize now that I was part of the problem that lead to her cheating.

You say you want her to put you ahead of her job. And to be honest she should. The marriage relationship should come before your: Career, Friends and individual wants. Plane and simple.

Through MC, my wife and I finaly understand that we MUST meet eachothers needs, even though these emotional needs may not seem important to US, they are important to THEM. The emotional needs of the man and woman are opposite to eachother. What one regards as VERY important, the other may not. The key is to LEARN how to meet these needs for eachother, without coming across as a chore. It should be natural and genuine.

To make your marriage work, it takes 2. Not 50/50, but 100%/100%. Your wife NEEDS to try too, but you cant make her...she needs to decide this for herself. She is distant becasue she hasnt truely forgiven you yet. Forgiveness is not a light switch....its a process. And for her to regain yuor trust takes time too. And through MC, I believe she could understand this concept.

I was the same way..."what did I do?, I'm not the cheater, she is".....BUT I know now that my actions attributed to her to cheating. And that is why I CHOOSE to change also...in order to meet her needs.


SO......please see what you can do to get both of you into MC....it will help you greatly.

Also, you mentioned you read alot of books. I am suggesting another one, that you BOTH should read TOGETHER. You can get is through the Marriage Builders website that Ladyjane posted above. The book is called "His Needs, Her Needs". GO to the MB website....there is a TON of good advice for both you and your wife there.

I wish you well.....and stick around, this place was an EMENCE help for me and my situ....and it will help you too. You will get an TON of advice here, .....hopefully OWL will post here, he has some great advice.

[Owl]

I don't know how great my advice is...nor how much hope I can give you at this point. Thumb's advice is on the money though...he too has been through and seen a lot.

After reading you thread, I've got one burning question for you. Has your wife ever looked you in the eyes, and said "I forgive you."???

It sounds to me as though she hasn't forgiven you. She wants to ignore it, and act like it never happened. The problem with that is that if she hasn't forgiven you, there is no way for the two of you to truly heal from this. SHE hasn't healed from what you did to her by having an affair.

You truly have no idea how totally devestating this was to her. Her world shattered the day she found out about the affair. She learned a lot of things that hurt her and completely changed how she views the world now.
1. You aren't the person she thought you were. - she never believed that you were capable of doing this. She knows now that if things get bad enough between the two of you, that YOU WILL do whatever you need to..up to and including hurting her worse than she's ever felt before.

2. Your marriage wasn't what she thought it was.- She thought that your marriage was "better" than others...that your relationship was special, and that nothing like this could ever happen to you/her. That false belief is shattered, and can NEVER be recovered.

3. Her blind trust in you is also shattered.- She will NEVER just BLINDLY trust you again. That doesn't mean that she won't trust you...but it does mean that she won't ASSUME that you're going to do the right thing anymore...she's going to need proof and evidence that you ARE doing the right thing.

4. Her own self-perception is the lowest it has ever been.- You've heard people say it before (she couldn't take care of her man, so look at what HE'S doing now!!). Its not true...but that doesn't change how she's feeling. She feels like she's not worth loving anymore...and that will take a LONG time for her to get back.

She is afraid to trust again. She hurt like she never hurt before, and she doesn't know how to deal with it. So, she's taking the only steps that she can think of. She's limiting your ability to hurt her again. And until she forgives you, she'll always feel like you can/will hurt her like that again.

Counseling is absolutely one of the best ways to start that healing. She really needs to hear from a nuetral third party person that what happened is NOT her fault. And it's not...she helped make the situation that caused you to stray...but YOU were the one who made the choice to do so. It was YOUR weakness...YOUR fault. You seem to know that...but it's not clear that she does. She won't believe you...you've lied to her before, and she knows that you just want to fix things up now. She needs to hear it from someone who doesn't care if you stay together or not...no ulterior motives.

She doesn't want to talk...but if it comes down to it, it's going to be the only choice she'll have if she does want to stay together. Try talking with her again about counseling...suggest that she do individual counseling (and you do the same) even if she won't do marriage counseling. You both have stopped providing for each other's emotional needs...and by now, probably have forgotten how to do so. This would be a first step.

My last thought is this...it IS possible that she's been so hurt and damaged by your affair that she can't heal. She may never forgive you. She may never forgive herself. If that is the case, there's not going to be much that you can do about it. Accept responsibility for what you've done, prove to her that you've changed...and that you ARE forgiveable. But realize that if she doesn't choose to forgive you and to move forward in rebuilding and trusting, there isn't going to be anything that you can do about it. You may have lost the woman you love for your careless actions. Tough to hear, but it's a possibility.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for the BOTH of you.

[FolderWife]

She's right. You do blame her. You said yourself, "I wanted intimacy, and you won't give it to me." In other words, "You don't give me what I need, so I went somewhere else."

She gave everything she could, and it wasn't enough. Now, you expect her to feel like she's enough, when you've already told her that she isn't.

My husband doesn't talk to me. I can't sit down and have a conversation with my husband, because he's not like that. I can't sit down and tell him about my day. It upsets him, because for whatever reason, he takes it personally.

But I can be intimate with him in other ways. I had to adjust to him, so we could have a loving relationship.

You want your way or no way. Forget her way.

She is guarding herself against the affiar. Duh. She doesn't want to get close to you, because look how you did her when she let her walls down.

Get councelling for yourself.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by very_sorry
but I want INTIMACY, I want YOU to talk to me, I want YOU to share YOUR feelings and YOUR problems, I want YOU to tell me you hate me and you hate what I did and what a jerk I am, anything, but just TALK TO ME.

Has she EVER given you intimacy? Have you EVER got what you NEED from her? Because if you never did before, it sure as he!! ain't gonna happen now.

Originally posted by michelangelo
You know, when you had the conversation with your wife where she said to you "this is the best I can give you, take it or leave it", she was transmitting more information to you than just those hurt and wounded words.

She'd listed to you all the things she did for you and left out her heart. She did this on purpose.

Exactly. She left out her heart. If she thinks all the "wifey" duties are all she needs to make you happy, and that based on those things alone you should have been happy enough, you will never be happy in this marriage...even if you hadn't had the affair, because she doesn't see intimacy as a necessary component of a healthy, happy relationship - and it SO is!!

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Monday
She's right. You do blame her. You said yourself, "I wanted intimacy, and you won't give it to me." In other words, "You don't give me what I need, so I went somewhere else."

She gave everything she could, and it wasn't enough. Now, you expect her to feel like she's enough, when you've already told her that she isn't.

You want your way or no way. Forget her way.

I think this is RIDICULOUS. Is he supposed to keep his mouth shut and not tell her what he NEEDS from her in their marriage? The most fundamental part of an intimate relationship is the INTIMACY, the sharing, the quality time, the being together, being open, affectionate, just THERE! She was not any of those things to him as soon as her career took off. Her career was put ahead of his most basic and fundamental needs. IT IS HER FAULT that he was unhappy in their marriage. (TO BE CLEAR: I am NOT saying it was her fault he had the A, just her fault that he was unhappy.)

If that's all she can give, and YES it's NOT enough - then they should both move on. She wants to be able to do the "wife stuff" and be beautiful, but not open and sharing with her husband - that is NOT enough.

Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay
You say you want her to put you ahead of her job. And to be honest she should. The marriage relationship should come before your: Career, Friends and individual wants. Plane and simple.

Through MC, my wife and I finaly understand that we MUST meet eachothers needs, even though these emotional needs may not seem important to US, they are important to THEM. The emotional needs of the man and woman are opposite to eachother. What one regards as VERY important, the other may not. The key is to LEARN how to meet these needs for eachother, without coming across as a chore. It should be natural and genuine.

To make your marriage work, it takes 2. Not 50/50, but 100%/100%. Your wife NEEDS to try too, but you cant make her...she needs to decide this for herself.

SEE? She is equally responsible for the happiness of their relationship.marriage. SHE NEEDS to be meeting his BASIC and REASONABLE needs here! And he needs to meet her needs as well. Granted, as it's a Venus/Mars relationship, those needs are going to be different...but in order for their relationship to work, they both have to put in 100%. And like Thumb says, it should be NATURAL and GENUINE.

If she is not a person who enjoys or is even comfortable with intimacy, then there is a serious, serious problem here.

[Owl]

She told me there will not be a third chance and if I screw up again that's it.

Third chance?? You only mention a single affair here...what was strike two???

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Owl


Third chance?? You only mention a single affair here...what was strike two???

I just thought the same thing...

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara
She was not any of those things to him as soon as her career took off. Her career was put ahead of his most basic and fundamental needs. IT IS HER FAULT that he was unhappy in their marriage. (TO BE CLEAR: I am NOT saying it was her fault he had the A, just her fault that he was unhappy.)

This is true....as I was the betrayed husband....and I now understand that I WAS NOT meeting her needs....and over time....her unmet feelings lead to her ill actions by straying to get those needs met.

Orignially posted by KMTIf that's all she can give, and YES it's NOT enough - then they should both move on. She wants to be able to do the "wife stuff" and be beautiful, but not open and sharing with her husband - that is NOT enough.

YES she wants it all, career and happy family life. But IMHO, she let go of meeting her H;s emo needs....as did I to my wife. And over time, my wife became VERY selfesh for her own wants and desires...to the point that it is still an issue with us, but she is working thru those situ's. I've told her and its been said here before...you can have it all, just not all at the same time. To make a marraige work, you HAVE to put some individaul wants aside and put the marriage needs first....its the only way to have a healthy happy relationship. But as we are both figuring out thru MC....you can still be an individual and MARRIED. You just need to make sure that your wants and desire fall within a set of boundaries that you establish for you marriage relaionship. For instanst....my wife would go out with her single and unhappily married friends ALOT....and that environment added to what she did. She was surrounded by women who were unhappy and it affected her and her actions. She was in fog. BUT now, she understands the way i feel about this group of friends and that that enviroement is deterimental to our goal of a happy marriage. SO now, she has distanced herself from them....and when she does go out, she includes me. We decided that we would do stuff as a couple...DATE NIGHT, whatever. The more you spend time away from your spose, the more distant you both become....you seek needs elseware. ALL OF YOUR MOST IMPORTANT emo needs should me met by your spose....and we both finaly understand that.

BUT I disagree with KMT advice on moving on......YOU MUST TRY TO MAKE IT WORK FIRST....both need to give 100%....and if after you have exhausted every option to make things right....and one of you just dont feel "it" anymore....then you make the tuff decision to move on.

I know in my situ, at the middle of our recovery, I could feel that my wife was not giving 100% to make it right....and she admitted it...she said, she knows she aint trying hard...she was just kinda going with the motions. SO I decided to call her on it....I told her that if i did not get 100% reciporcation....I WOULD LEAVE HER....even though I love her, I cannot be in a relationship were I wasnt loved backed. That statment was the turning point in our recovery. She said she need to her that....she needed to hear that she could be left for her actions..... AND boy, she has really come around, we both have. We are more happy and considerate of eachothers needs NOW than we ever were before. Life is good, but we are BOTH making it good.

So VS....all I can say is, SHE has to WANT to try....you cant make her. You 2 need to sitdown and have a very sincere heart to heart about your future....and again I highly suggest a 3 rd party MC to help you both get thru these hard feelings.....these are feelings she has never felt before, and you both need to learn how to deal with them.

[michelangelo]

Kiss tiara,

No, she left the heart out NOW, because of his cheating. I believe she had given him her heart freely before.

It was not a case of her having never given him her heart.

But now? She's protecting it.

Not that she'll do that forever, but it's too soon and too soon without the right kind of intervention by professionals she and he both desparately need to recover this marriage.