My boyfriend and i have been dating about a couple of years. We were engaged to be married, bought a house, and then broke up. There is a lot more to the story but I am not sure if it is necessary.
We were apart for two months and then we got back together again. He said he wanted to take it slow. We did kind of. We spend all of our weekends together. Sometimes we spend almost every night of the week together. Then sometimes we do not . That is fine. However, whenever we have a problem (we have been back together for three months now) he says 'we agreed to take it slow.' How long do we take it slow? He says he loves me, but then says there is no guarantee that it will work out. We are in our mid-30's and I feel like either we want this or we don't.
How long do I wait around for this? Is he just jerking me around?
I doubt he is jerking you around after all this time. Taking things slow means different things for different couples. Have you sat down with him and talked about this? If so, what has he said? Where do you fit into his future? You spend a lot of time together, so there definitely seems to be something there. Maybe he doesn't know himself, though I think in his position, at his age, he should have a decent idea of what he's looking for. I think a serious talk would be the best option here. A guy wanting to take things slow could mean that he is unsure if you are the one for him, or could it simply be a sign that he fears commitment to any one person.
We have had a million talks and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He tells me all the time that he isn't sure if I am the one. That I exhaust him, that I am driving him away. All of these things make me feel terrible inside and just make me want to leave. Why would I want to be the one to make anyone so miserable?
IMO, if he's not sure, he needs to either decide or let you move on. Leaving someone in limbo for an extended period of time is one of the worst things a person can do. If you aren't satisfied with his answers, tell him that you will consider dating other people. Even if you don't mean it, call his bluff. He needs to be rattled a little to start talking. What he's doing is not fair to you and I hope that he realizes that.
I think much of the advice I could give you on this situation would depend on the circumstances of your breakup. I was recently involved in a similar situation and was almost married on Jan. 1st (yes, only 11 days ago). If I was the type to take her back (no way), I would definitely be very cautious due to how she left me.
He tells me all the time that he isn't sure if I am the one. That I exhaust him, that I am driving him away. All of these things make me feel terrible inside and just make me want to leave.
At the moment I was told this, I would tell the person that I loved them, I'd wish them well and then I'd walk out and the relationship would be over.
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People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh
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Reading: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
Word! You need to either tell him to commit or you're out the door. There are guys that would happily date you for 20 years while deciding if you're "the one" or not. If you don't want to wind up in that situation then you need to take some action.
I am at the opposite end of the spectrum of the previous 2 posters. 3 months is hardly enough time to repair a relationship that involved a break-up and a cancelled wedding. Give him time.
Originally posted by utwonderwoman
He tells me all the time that he isn't sure if I am the one.
Tell him to quit wasting your time. Your biological clock is ticking and you're not getting any younger. If you're not the one, you're not the one. Do you feel as if he is 'the one' for you?
Repairing something would have to mean that there was something there to repair. From what he said, I don't see there is anything there on his part. It depends on the type of person he is and whether or not he is honest with his emotions, but if I said something like that to anyone, it would be a definite sign that what was once between us was gone and it probably wouldn't be found again.
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