Now after all these years and many personal problems, searching my soul I realize, that my mother hated me, there was always so much anger, rage, hate. What did I ever do to deserve this? Nothing. I always thought, that deep down she loved me, may be she did, but it doesn't make the pain any less. Am I the only one who feels this way, or are there others with similar stories?

[ollydolly]

Maybe she doesn't actually hate you in her deepest deepest heart. Maybe she resents you for a reason that has never been articulated to you.

Deep resent - even if there is love behind it - comes across as hate, especially to a child. Have you ever asked your mother what it is about you that makes her so... mean spirited?

[Barby]

No I don't have a similar story....but maybe she regrets the choices she made...(NOT YOU) but just her life in general?! Maybe she just takes it out on you even though she should NOT!!

I am sorry you feel this way, can I ask, what makes you feel she hates you?

[moimeme]

I seriously doubt she hated you. If she behaved as though she hated you, it's because she had BIG problems of her own. All that anger and rage was about her, not about you. Mothers are not sainted holy creatures. They are regular human beings and, as such, are subject to the exact same mental illnesses and other troubles that non-mothers are. Becoming a mother didn't cure her of whatever her problems were and make her pure so that she was able to treat you well. Whatever went wrong in her life continued to haunt her and she took that out on you.

It was never your fault. Forgive her, because she's had some sort of problems of her own. She did all she knew - but people in trouble are often completely incapable of being decent to other humans. If she hadn't been crippled by her own issues, she would have been better to you but she was and she, sadly, is not the first mother to have ever been that way.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Am I the only one who feels this way, or are there others with similar stories?

My mother outright abandoned me at an early age. My father tells me that he left for work one day, and when he got home in the early evening, my brother and I were in a playpen in front of the TV. Taped to the TV was a note that said that she did not want to have a family, did not love her children, and was leaving to be with the love of her life (one of the many guys she was cheating on my father with). We had been in that playpen all day. A two year old and a six month old. I didn't find this out until I was in my late 20s.

She didn't love me then when I was her daughter - but she spent a good deal of my life from the time I was 12 trying to get me back. She is a pathological liar, so you can imagine what kind of hell I was put through. She even went so far as to try to have the names of her boyfriend's children legally changed to mine and my brother's name. She had me sympathizing with her, feeling sorry for her - trying to manipulate me. All this time she has been like a clinging poisonous vine clutching at me. Refusing to let go. Even after I told her that I knew about her lies. She still to this day bothers me when she can find me. She whines and moans about how sick she is and that she's going to die at any moment - trying to garner pity, I guess. Luckily I live far enough away where I don't have to deal with it too often. I don't love her, I don't care about her, I don't feel indebted to her, I don't feel any need to reconcile or any of that crap. I never knew her as a mother, nor do I care to. My grandmother raised me. She is all the mother I could have wanted in life. When she died, it was the only mother I knew that died.

I don't think that she does it out of love - I think she does it to feed some deep need to assuage old guilt. She can't forgive herself until I forgive her.

It wasn't until I had my own daughter that I was able to work out the issues that this caused me in life.

Just like your mother though, I don't think that it was something specifically about me that caused her problems. I'm sure your mother has some issues that cause her to project her anger and frustration on you. You aren't the cause of her problems, but you are the target for them. It could be that you represent things that are missing in herself and she lashes out in anger at what she doesn't have in herself.

Whatever the case, are you by chance in therapy for this? When a child's basic needs aren't met by a parent, it can have some devastating and far reaching consequences.

I am 46 years old and still feel the hurt from not being loved by my Mother. I do not talk to her. I have been molested by a female family member (I am female), she knows about it and does not want to discuss it. I have been raped (twice), same thing, does not want to talk about it. There has been a myriad of unjust things done to me when I was a defenseless child. I am mad at her because she did not protect me and wants us to have a wonderful relationship now. My brother beat me up in the streets over something his wife instigated (I was 45 then). My mother told me I should try and get along with him and let bygones be bygones. My mother is greedy. She only contacted me throughout the years when she wanted something or to justify her gifts. I have no contact with her at all. I used to feel guilty. We have a toxic relationship that has caused me to be an outcast from the whole family. I can not spend time with any of them because I don't want that drama. Lreed47752@aol.com


She didn't love me then when I was her daughter - but she spent a good deal of my life from the time I was 12 trying to get me back. She is a pathological liar, so you can imagine what kind of hell I was put through. She even went so far as to try to have the names of her boyfriend's children legally changed to mine and my brother's name. She had me sympathizing with her, feeling sorry for her - trying to manipulate me. All this time she has been like a clinging poisonous vine clutching at me. Refusing to let go. Even after I told her that I knew about her lies. She still to this day bothers me when she can find me. She whines and moans about how sick she is and that she's going to die at any moment - trying to garner pity, I guess. Luckily I live far enough away where I don't have to deal with it too often. I don't love her, I don't care about her, I don't feel indebted to her, I don't feel any need to reconcile or any of that crap. I never knew her as a mother, nor do I care to. My grandmother raised me. She is all the mother I could have wanted in life. When she died, it was the only mother I knew that died.

I don't think that she does it out of love - I think she does it to feed some deep need to assuage old guilt. She can't forgive herself until I forgive her.

It wasn't until I had my own daughter that I was able to work out the issues that this caused me in life.

Just like your mother though, I don't think that it was something specifically about me that caused her problems. I'm sure your mother has some issues that cause her to project her anger and frustration on you. You aren't the cause of her problems, but you are the target for them. It could be that you represent things that are missing in herself and she lashes out in anger at what she doesn't have in herself.

Whatever the case, are you by chance in therapy for this? When a child's basic needs aren't met by a parent, it can have some devastating and far reaching consequences.[/QUOTE]

[truelyblue]

i dont know about hating my mother but am very angry at her...all her life she has blamed every misfortune on to either my granpa or granma on my dad or sis or on me.i am sick an tired of carrying her baggage all decisions were hers her choice why should we suffer.now she is not keeping well and its got worse she has these sympathetic vibes and will start saying things like you cant even give me food right when i want it or give me the things when i want it.........when i say not well nuthing catastrophic just a frozen shoulder...and its not like she has ever done anything ,never even given me lunch never cooked for me...........so i dont get it wot does she want ...

she is in need of help and pretends she is wise..............she makes a fool of herself wherever she goes but because she comes from a slightly richer family thn my dad she has taunted him all his life and even now says tht its because of her we are comfortable wehn in all her life she worked for 5 years total...........how are we well off because of her????????

i know this is all coming out but i am really mad at her for everything because whenever somethings goes wrong she just points the finger.

just need someone to talk to to help me out here.........
compared to desertion this is quite minor but all in all she drives me crazy.........

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm like LB and Curious too- no mother figure but my grandmother. My mother was a narcassist. I had to eventually get to the point where I realized it wasn't me, it was her.

It's devastating but eventually it will scab over and you will move on.
My mom's been dead almost three years and I can honestly say I've never missed her- never shed a tear. My grandmother had been dead a little over a year and I miss her everyday.

You can't help who you get as parents, and while it's not exactly a fun story to tell people how mean your mom was to you- you can make the difference for your kids. That's what I did. I am the mom that my mother never could be because she was too focused on herself.

You do need some counseling as LB said. It will make you see things so much clearer.

[PlentyLV007]

I use to feel this way about my dad. Until I told him how I felt. My mom and dad seperated when I was 8 and I kept a great relationship with my dad till I was 12...I was hurt till about 18-19. I got older and started understanding things about their separation and so on. Then I went to my dad's house and talked to him. My dad is drinker and always will be. My father is dying and his liver is deteriating....I had a relationship with my father till I was about 24....then I let him b. I was putting more into that relationship than he was. I let him b and he's never called me. Unless he needs something. He's getting older and my brother is getting wiser and smarter well....he's going to be 14 soon in May. My father is 61.

I had lot's of anger and hurt till I spoke to him about stuff and he just said he was a fool (which he still is) and that my mother did a good job raising me. HIS DAMMMM RIGHT! He's very proud every time he sees me and I love to see my brother. He's so cute!

Hate is not good to have in your heart especially for your parents...no matter what they say to you or what they put you through you only have one set of parents! Always keep that in mind!

I look at my daughter with all the love in my heart. I can't understand why a mother would hate her daughter. But it does happen. It is tempting to put another log on the fire. But my story is probably the worse story you would ever hear.

Could a mother manipulate and control her daughter from an early age to remember only certain things and make her remain mentally crippled until age 33 where she has a nervouse break down to remember?

Of course, the answer is yes. A mother should love, care, protect, and nourish her young to grow up to be strong capable people. When this does not happen, we feel betrayed, angry, and dissapointed. Mother is love!

I want to beat her, or scratch her eyes out, anything but forgive her. But, in the end it would never solve my problem.

Anger comes from someone doing something you did not expect. I expected my mother to love me unconditionaly and to protect me. She did neither. I needed protection from her. She is the queen of anger and jealousy.

So, what have I learned so far?

1. Just because a mother is supposed to love you, doesn't mean she does.

2. Anger comes from someone doing something you did not want them to do.

3. Never keep people in your life that hurt you.

4. Always love your children.

5. Life only gets better if you want it to.

6. Holding hatred in your heart only hurts yourself.

7. Try to forgive yourself for loving her.

I am still working on that last one.

And always remember: You can love another with all your heart, that does not mean they have to love you back. And that is ok.

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia
You aren't the cause of her problems, but you are the target for them. It could be that you represent things that are missing in herself and she lashes out in anger at what she doesn't have in herself.

I think my father didn't show her very much love, but he loved me. I looked like him and was more beautiful than her. Could it be jealosy?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Definitely! Some women are so deeply insecure that they become jealous of their own children - particularly when parental love outweighs the love between the couple. "Daddy's little girl" doesn't sit well with a deeply insecure Mommy. On some fundamental level, she may have seen you as a threat to her happiness since you are so much your father's child. She may have felt used - as if she were nothing but a receptacle and growing station for the true love of his life: his little girl. I can't help but wonder if her own father was distant toward her or absent altogether - or maybe if she was sexually abused and is acting out unresolved anger on the next generation? There is very little to explain motive in cases like this, but given what you've said - I'd say its a case of not being able to compete with the daughter for the husband's love and taking out her anger accordingly.

Her mother (my grandmother) was always accusing her father in infidelity, that's probably true, unless she was paranoid. I believe he did have a wondering eye, even though he stayed in the family. But she was constantly assaulting him physically and verbally. He was only joking in response. That's the story with her parents.

Thank you all very much for responding. I understand that she loved me, like you said, it was other problems in her life that she couldn't control or understand. You are so right. Thanks again and God bless.

[Spira]

Now, while I realize that my mother *didn't* hate me, or at least doesn't hate me *now*, I refuse forgiveness. And as far as I'm concerned, I don't have a mother. The type of person she was is just not the type of person I want in my life, regardless of the reasoning or excuses for her actions. Is that so wrong? I just want to distance myself from someone who had control of my life as a child and destroyed it, someone who I see as being a negative energy in my life.

*end of rant*