[upallnight]

My husband and I have been married for six years, and we have a five year old daughter. The majority of those years were not good. We didn't get along, we screamed and fought, and he was controlling and emotionally abusive. We tried to keep it together anyway. We bought a house and moved to a new town a year ago, hoping that things would get better. I wanted friends and stability, and a new outlook on my marriage and I thought that a fresh start was the answer. It didn't work out that way...things got worse.

On Halloween night, we went trick-or-treating with our daughter and everything was fine. I went upstairs with her to get her ready for bed, and I could hear him downstairs whining and b*tching about something. This was typical of him, and in my mind, abusive. It was always agony to hear, because I always tried so hard to make everything perfect and it was never, ever good enough for him. Anyway, I was upset when I came downstairs, and I demanded to know what the problem was. Apparently, our daughter was coloring with markers and got some on the kitchen table. This was enough to send him into a RAGE. Things escalated between us, all night, until 5:00 in the morning. It was then that he grabbed my legs as I was sitting on the couch and shook me. I grabbed his arms and stood up to get away, and he shoved me to the ground. I had a nasty scrape on my leg and a bump on my head as a result. I always told myself that physical abuse means GET OUT. I decided I would leave.

The next few days were a blur. Basically, I wanted to tell him that I was leaving, but he refused to talk to me. I went online to seek support, and began IM'ing someone with regularity. On Nov. 6 I went out and got a cell phone, then went and leased an apartment, which I could not move into until the 17th. When I came home from doing this, he was upstairs in bed, a total wreck. Even though I hadn't told him, he just knew I was going. He promised a change, and I told him it didn't matter.

I was still IM'ing the person aforementioned, and now also talking to him on the phone.

I moved out with my daughter on the 17th. My husband went into counseling immediately, and he changed literally overnight. We were still talking, but it was confusing for me...one minute I hated him, and the next I wanted to be in his arms.

The weekend after I left, I met the person I was talking to. What was supposed to be friendship and support literally EXPLODED into and affectionate relationship. It seemed like we were meant for each other...we got along so well. We talked every single night and I saw him every chance I got (he lives 1 hour away). Yes, at one point we were sexually intimate as well. Bad decision on my part.

Fast forward to the week before Christmas. I had a "break" and decided I wanted to come home. Our anniversary was the 22nd, and the Christmas and all that. My little girl was telling me she just wanted us to be a happy family. It just all broke me down. I came home on the 19th. I called the person I was seeing and told him I needed to break it off, and then I called my husband to tell him to bring over some boxes and help me pack up.

So now I'm here. I'm content, I guess you could say, but I'm not happy. I already see us falling into old patterns of behavior, even though he has made a tremendous change. (My daughter and I got paint on the table the other day that will never come off, and he just laughed it off). It's just kind of weird.

Even though I broke it off with the other person, he called to wish me a merry Christmas and things picked back up again. We've been talking every day. My husband is a super slueth and knows about every conversation we've had, whether on the computer or on the phone. He's SO not happy about it. The other person does not know I moved back home.

I know what the right thing to do is. I should tell the other person that I moved home and that I can't have contact with him anymore, and then try and pick up the pieces of my marriage and start over. But i just can't bring myself to do it. I want to be with him. Wrong as it is, I do. I can see myself happy with him for a very long time. This was not something I planned. But then I look at my husband and I think of what it would do to him if I left again, what it would do to our family, after he's made all these changes and things should be going well. It's so selfish of me to want this for myself without considering them. I know it, but I don't know what to do about it.

The other person is deploying for Iraq (army) on Jan. 10th. So, time is of the essence here. I DO NOT want him to go to fight a war thinking I'll be here when he gets back, or sitting in a tent somewhere in the middle of the desert waiting for a letter from me. But I also don't want to tell him it's over when I desperately don't want it to be over.

I think that what I need to do is move back out again until I can get my head straight. It's just not right for me to be here pretending everything is normal, when my thoughts are centered on another man. I feel like a cheater all the time. I don't want to be a cheater.

I've made a string of mistakes...getting involved with someone when my marriage was not completely over, moving back too soon, not breaking it off completely, and continuing to talk to him. I don't want to make any more mistakes...but I don't know how to get around it. This sucks, and I can't believe I got myself into this situation. I'm not that kind of girl. I've always been the one to get hurt, not do the hurting. And now I'm hurting TWO people, three if you count my daughter. If anyone has any advice to offer, I'd love to hear it.