[summerlove]

Have you ever had to choose between a mother or a boyfriend?

Last night i was furious with my bf of 1 1/2 years because his 21st b-day is tues and he has been drinking very night this week and showing up at my house at 4 am. I am in the middle of finals and i had warned him several times that he better not show up at 4am again and been drinking or my mother would be handling it! Well it happened again he came to my house at 4am last night woke me and my sisters up and plus his so un bare able , loud ,when he comes over at that time of night.he wants to wrestle and joke around. I'm tired and tired of him only paying attention to me at nights only. I'm tired of hearing about how his almost 21 and so well last night we got into it bad i ended up going to get my mother to ask him to leave and well she got up and did. after he got up and put his shoes on and started to leave cursing and saying "**** u and your mother", now this is a guy that say many things he does not mean. i asked him if he really meant that and he didn't reply. he was so up set that he too began to cry. i took his keys cause i did not want him driving home with all upset and well it was a bad situation. he laid down and we both fell asleep, me crying.
This morning i a woke and took my mother to the mall cause she wanted to Christmas shop cause she can't drive. anyways i dropped her off and came too work. i stayed a work until 6 and then went to pick her up. when i got there she was being all hateful telling me i had an adittude cause of my bf and that he wasn't welcome anymore. and that if he shows up at that time of night again that she would be handling by escorting him out and if nothing more calling the police. it seems to me that she was trying to make me mad! how could your own mother tell you that she was going to call the cops of the other half that you love? doesn't make sense? she seems to be making me now choose between her and my bf. she has nothing to say or anything. she is just a total bitch. i said if i know you were going to act like this i would of never asked for you help when i needed so don't worry i'll never ask again. she simply went off rambling telling me how stupid i was and blah blah blah............
Can you really hate your own mother?

[AngelSerra]

This sounds like a sticky situation. I too have a mother that makes demands about relationships. However, your situation is much different than mine.

First of all, you live in your mother's house, and unless you are paying your mother's mortgage, the grocery bill, and all of the utilities, I would say you really do not have a case. You may not like what she says, but as long as you live under her roof, you abide by her rules. If you do not want to live under her rule, you will need to move out somehow.

Secondly, I would be a little put-off if I had a daughter whose boyfriend would show up in the wee-hours of the morning in such a drunken state. He is not being fair to you. I am imagining that you are probably younger than he is, so you are unable to partake in his drinking - but do you really want to do that? Sounds to me like he may have an issue with alcohol if he is getting drunk as often as your post sounds. It sounds to me that he is, or is on the verge of, becoming an alcoholic. Take it from me - coming from a family with a long history of drinking problems - it is not the kind of situation that you want to wake up and find yourself in. Some drunks can come across as fun-loving, happy-go-lucky but others can actually become quite violent.

Do not take your mother's concern as hatred toward you. She is probably very concerned about the situation that you are in. Mother's, for the most part, say and do the things that they do out of love and protection of their children. If your mother is being unreasonable and is trying to control your life, then you will need to move out and start your own life. However, until you can do that, you are just going to have to grin and bare it for a while.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but I hope it at least helps.

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by bfaith258
Have you ever had to choose between a mother or a boyfriend?

Last night i was furious with my bf of 1 1/2 years because his 21st b-day is tues and he has been drinking very night this week and showing up at my house at 4 am. I am in the middle of finals and i had warned him several times that he better not show up at 4am again and been drinking or my mother would be handling it! Well it happened again he came to my house at 4am last night woke me and my sisters up and plus his so un bare able , loud ,when he comes over at that time of night.he wants to wrestle and joke around. I'm tired and tired of him only paying attention to me at nights only. I'm tired of hearing about how his almost 21 and so well last night we got into it bad i ended up going to get my mother to ask him to leave and well she got up and did. after he got up and put his shoes on and started to leave cursing and saying "**** u and your mother", now this is a guy that say many things he does not mean. i asked him if he really meant that and he didn't reply. he was so up set that he too began to cry. i took his keys cause i did not want him driving home with all upset and well it was a bad situation. he laid down and we both fell asleep, me crying.
This morning i a woke and took my mother to the mall cause she wanted to Christmas shop cause she can't drive. anyways i dropped her off and came too work. i stayed a work until 6 and then went to pick her up. when i got there she was being all hateful telling me i had an adittude cause of my bf and that he wasn't welcome anymore. and that if he shows up at that time of night again that she would be handling by escorting him out and if nothing more calling the police. it seems to me that she was trying to make me mad! how could your own mother tell you that she was going to call the cops of the other half that you love? doesn't make sense? she seems to be making me now choose between her and my bf. she has nothing to say or anything. she is just a total bitch. i said if i know you were going to act like this i would of never asked for you help when i needed so don't worry i'll never ask again. she simply went off rambling telling me how stupid i was and blah blah blah............
Can you really hate your own mother?

AngelSerra put very good advice in a very nice way. I'll be a little more blunt: Pull your head out of your a$$, dump the loser boyfriend, grow up and apologize to your mother. She's right and you're wrong.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by bfaith258
how could your own mother tell you that she was going to call the cops of the other half that you love?

HOW could she? She could because she loves you. If he is beligerant, she has every right to NOT have him in HER house and to protect her family and property.

doesn't make sense?

It makes perfect sense to me.

she seems to be making me now choose between her and my bf.

On the contrary, she is trying to get you to choose your life over your boyfriend because she sees him screwing your life up.

she has nothing to say or anything. she is just a total bitch.

So, what you are saying is that when your boyfriend came over and was unruly and YOU couldn't handle him, you got your mother into the mix and now you are calling her a bitch. That's interesting. Did you EVER once stop to think that she loves you more than your little drunken boyfriend could ever FATHOM loving you? ? ? ?

i said if i know you were going to act like this i would of never asked for you help when i needed so don't worry i'll never ask again.

Yes, you will because your mom will be the the only one standing beside you when you are otherwise left alone.

Can you really hate your own mother?

Only if I was from an abusive home or I was too immature to realize everything that she does for me.

Lil Honey
A mom of a 21-year-old daughter who works full time, goes to school full time and has a boyfriend who can't hold down a job but CAN drink and play video games . . . *sigh*

[HokeyReligions]

With all the news stories about abusive boyfriends I'm surprised your mother didn't call the police the second time he came around.

You bf could be dangerous. You might not believe that, but anyone who is put in that situation time and time again is going to start questioning and thinking about future possibilities. Your mother is looking out for you, and for the rest of your family. That is her job as a parent -- to do what she can to protect all of you, herself included. It's probably breaking her heart to see you involved with someone who shows you and your family no respect.

By allowing him to stay the night because he was too drunk to drive is a monumental leap of faith by your mother. She cares about you and obviously she cares enough about the welfare of your boyfriend to have allowed that - even when he was verbally abusive.

Tell your bf you need to take a break for a while and let him get his priorities straight. Focus on your life and your school work now and take it very slow with him. If he wants to live the wild life for a while now that he's of legal age to drink, you can't stop him, but you can give him space to get it out of his system and grow up a little before you get more deeply involved with him.

It's hard to stick to other people's rules when you want to be independent. But learning how to do that is par for the course in growing up and will help you when you set rules of your own, in your own home.

Boyfriends come and go, but your mother is there for life. She's not going to stop loving you no matter how much you hurt her, or how many people you bring into the fold who also hurt her. Appreciate that and don't abuse it. It's normal to feel that you 'hate' your mother sometimes -- especially when you are an adult and still living at home. I'll wager it's not your mother you 'hate' its her rules and the fact that you are not as independent as you want to be that you 'hate' and the fact that your bf put you in this position to begin with.

[mrs.sarah]

If any guy ever said f*** you and your mother, he would be gone.
There would be no question about choosing him or my mom.
He's a looser.