When do you reach the point of being comfortable attending a kid-centred event that your ex-spouse and their new significant other are going to be at too?
My daughter's school Xmas concert is next week. TBXW will be there too, with her BF. (He's not one of the ones she cheated with, but it still bugs me.)
Six or seven months ago, there was no way I could attend an event with her and him. Now I think I'm OK with it, though I'm not planning on sitting near them. Her mom will be there too, which will add to the discomfort; I get along really well with her parents, even to this day, but I don't think she's really aware of the depth of her daughter's betrayal and probably thinks everything is hunky-dory and friendly between TBXW and me, while in fact the best I can manage towards TBXW is cold civility.
TBXW and I split a little over a year ago; I found out the crappy truth about the marriage about 16 months ago. I don't know if that seems like a long time to be dealing with stuff or not, but believe me when I say that the last year has been very turbulent between her and me. I haven't forgiven her and don't know if I ever will; frankly I don't want her in my life but I know that she must be because of the kids. I'm not making them pawns in anything; that's why I'm attending the event.
But, how long does it take to reach a point where you genuinely don't care about who your ex is with in these circumstances, and can be totally cool and (dare I say it) friendly in their presence?
Sorry to ramble... just hoping for some thoughts.
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See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
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Varies with the person. Probably when you no longer feel anger and resentment towards her.
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People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh
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Reading: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
You are going somewhere FOR your child, and your ex will happen to also be there. Just sit far away, nod politely, let your child know you are there, and avoid engaging the ex and significant other. You don't have to be friends; you just have to behave in a civilized fashion. No one will notice.
It probably took 2-3 years for me. When my ex was married I never really felt comfortable around his wife. But getting remarried myself helped me to feel more comfortable around my ex. I think just because I no longer felt like he had any "power" over me.
Hmmm, tough situation Res. I know you know my situation...and what you've described was EXACTLY one of the circumstances I could imagine and described to my wife so that she would KNOW what the results of her affair would be if she left me and went to be with him physically (my wife had an online emotional affair if you recall). I know that there would never have been any way for me to have looked at her and NOT have imagined what all went on, and still feel the same sick feelings. I told her I couldn't imagine how we could ever both be at an event for our kids at the same time after what she had done.
My story worked out differently than yours as you know. BUT, I can still imagine how you've got to be feeling. I'd suggest that you really sit down and THINK about how you're likely to feel and react if you see her there...because you will, even if you don't sit there with her.
If you HONESTLY think you'll be able to handle yourself, then go, and show your kid some fatherly support and love. If you don't think you can, then talk it over with your kid and let them know that you're not going to be able to make it, but that it has nothing to do with how you feel about them. Let them know that they're still loved, and that you'll be there for them in spirit. Maybe make some kind of special arrangement to take them to dinner or something in the near future right around this event.
Just my thoughts...good luck!
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Just want to add, that even when I didn't feel comfortable, I was able to pretend that I did. At least well enough, that I was able to get through functions. Also, it gets easier after you get through a few situations successfully.
I definitely think you can get through it. Just remember you are there for your daughter, your ex has nothing to do with the reason you are there. Stay focused on the mission!
Hey guys... thanks for the words. Attendance isn't an issue; I'm going, no question. But I know how things will play out: she'll be there with her BF and her mom. I'll approach, her mom will come forward for a hug, which I'm happy to give because I really love her mom. It's the immediate aftermath that concerns me, because I have absolutely no desire to hug TBXW or peck her on the cheek, which I imagine she'll see as a "requirement" (given her very weird interest in social propriety in the midst of her rampant private impropriety). I'll be cordial, but not much more. I'll avoid being overtly cold to her, but physical contact of an emotional nature is a no-no for me -- it's too personal at a time when I'm doing my best to DEpersonalize her in my mind. Maybe I should just shake her hand instead.
In any event, my goal is simple: to attend the event for my daughter. It's about her, not about her mother and me.
Or, here's a thought... maybe I'm just being excessively analytical about everything?
Probably you are friend!! LOL But we all do that from time to time.
My thoughts...if you don't want to give a hug or a peck...put out your hand and shake instead. Don't do something that makes you uncomfortable...there's no need to. If she doesn't like that because its "not proper social decorum"...TOUGH!!
I can't tell you what it's like to be divorced and raising kids. But I could tell you what it's like to never have your father show up at the special events in your life, because he didn't want to deal with his ex-wife. Mine didn't even show up to my high school graduation.
He got over that 'inability-to-cope-with-the-ex', but it took him something on the order of 15 years. He's a stubborn case though.
Good for you that you can put your child first. It'll be so important to her someday.
And when the ex give you the hurt 'why-didn't-you-give-me-a-kiss' look, return it with a raised eyebrow, and a 'YOU WISH!' expression. It just kills 'em when they can't get under your skin!
The most important thing is being there as a father. Go and let your daughter know you are there for her. If ex and her group approach you, simply smile, nod your head, and keep your distance. Walk away if you have to. Still civilized, still acceptable, no one would notice anything awry, and you don't feel vulnerable.
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But I could tell you what it's like to never have your father show up at the special events in your life, because he didn't want to deal with his ex-wife. Mine didn't even show up to my high school graduation.
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