are there women out there who left their children w/ dad?
HI,
I'm wondering if there are women out there who left their children with ex-husband. I have 3 and over the years both me and my husband did a lot of things that damaged our relationship (no cheating involved) He, so to speak, pushed his stupid button and is now acting like a normal father/husband but I lost any love for him and I'm still the occasional maniac. According to my husband my oldest won't talk to me because she's scared of what I'm going to tell her (yell). Being a teenager she doesn't even care about me right now. THe two little ones though, need me even if daddy's the one they want more. I'm seeing a counsellor about a number of issues I have - who thinks I'm having the symptoms of a midlife crises, even though I'm only 33. Though I don't sleep on the couch, we've been roommates for the past 4 months, and I don't think that'll ever change. My husband says that I should stop thinking about what happened in the past and think about the future but I can't see myself being romantic with him again. I know his heart would break if I took the kids with me, so I'm thinking about leaving the kids with him. I've always been the man in this relationship, and I think I'm going to end up being the weekend parent.
WHere do you draw the line between taking responsibility and yet again giving up/abandoning something you started?
Is it selfish to want to have a career that is meaningful to you, even if you have to move for it?
Do kids really suffer on the long term if their mother is not around?
Is it possible to have a marriage that is about raising happy children and not about being happy with your partner?
If you are considering, please look at all options and alternatives. Do some research to find out how it may affect your children. I am not an expert nor could I help you with any of your questions/concerns ...but only tell you to extensively research them. Good luck.
__________________
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Re: are there women out there who left their children w/ dad?
Quote:
Originally posted by confusedleila
HI,
Do kids really suffer on the long term if their mother is not around?
Is it possible to have a marriage that is about raising happy children and not about being happy with your partner?
Thanks,
ConfusedLeila
I think kids do suffer if there mother isn't around, and they will feel abandoed.
My parents stayed togeather to raise me and my brother, we're now 24 and 22 and they are still togeather, I guess they just arn't ready for a change
i also think you should give 110% for your kids, if it doesn't work there is nothing else you can do. But they deserve all of your efforts
I've thought about joint custody. That would only work for us if we lived next door to each other. Then we might as well stay together.
I don't believe in staying together at all costs for the sake of the kids. My parents did that and all three of us are really messed up still (my sister, brother and I). If husband and I argue all the time, yell at everyone because we go on each others nerves, then who is it good for?
And if you decide to stay together, like roommate, for the sake of the kids, is an open marriage ok as long as the kids don't know?
Yeah, I don't think you should live miserably for the sake of your children either. I wouldn't do the open dating thing, but that's just my opinion.
My joint custody works like this.
One week I get my son Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Next week I get him Wednesday, Thursday.
It's conducive to my ex's flip-flop schedule. It's crazy, I know. But it works out well and allows us to see him plenty, yet have lives of our own. We do live in the same city, though.
When my child reaches school-age (next August) he will stay with me full-time and see his dad every other weekend and after school on some day. But he'll stay in my home every night for stablization purposes.
Have you considered that you may be obligated to pay child support if dad has them full-time?
I've talked to a lawyer, and researched the internet, and I think I'd have to pay about half my income as child support. That is not my concern. THe kids are at the worst age for a divorce (not that there is a good age) 14, 5 and 3.
Actually my real issue with the divorce is that I'm from Europe and husband is American. If I stay together with husband, there's a chance that we'll move back. If we divorce, I'll be stuck here for ever, or at least until the kids are grown up. He won't move house locally either, eventhough he's miserable where we are now, too.
I know several people who have joint custody and it works ok for the kids but it's not so nice for the parents. Anyway, I'm not a parent who's willing to give up everything for her kids. I love them to death, and they are my number one priority but I need to take care of my own needs as well.
Welp, my best friend was divorced (the first time) when her kids were about 5 and 3. She signed over custody to one of HIS family, because he had a drinking problem and she couldn't afford to support the kids on her own. Frankly, I couldn't believe that she would DO such a thing. Then, she married again, had a couple more kids, got divorced and left those kids with their dad. I guess she couldn't afford the second set of kids on her own either. Again, I had a hard time comprehending the whole idea.
I had been married for several years with two kids, when I got my first inclination to move. I was literally torn apart inside. I thought that the kids deserved to be with their dad, because they NEED their dad. Then I thought that they NEED their mom, too. But what kind of mom was I, if I thought about breaking up the family? That told me that the kids were better off with him, because of "the kind of mother I was." (I was VERY good at guilt-tripping myself.) For a loooong time, I'd hug and kiss my kids at night, not knowing if I'd be home in the morning to wake them up.
After a LOT of mind-wrestling, I came to the conclusion that my kids didn't ask to be here. I CHOSE for them to be here. That made me responsible for them. That also meant that they didn't deserve to "lose" either parent, so I stayed. Now, there are people who will say that that isn't the "right" thing to do, and they MAY be right, but to that I say that my kids have NEVER had to wonder if they were loved by either parent. I stayed until the youngest was 17 1/2 years old, then I decided to get an apartment close to the house. The youngest lives with Dad, because it was MY choice to leave, so I wasn't about to drag him out or attempt to make a mess of things.
So, after all of that, what I'm trying to say is that everyone is different. I really don't know how my girl friend's kids think of her or relate to her. She is still my best friend and she is a good person. I do know that I still get a hug (and a smooch if I can "sneak" one) from my kids.
In your last post, Confused Leila, you make it sound (even though you "love them to death') as though your kids are an "inconvenience" for you. Personally, I find that VERY sad . . .
Well, I'm a guy, and I'm of the opinion that its no worse leaving the kids with dad than it would be to leave the kids with mom. That's a perception that our culture seems to have, but the reality is something entirely different. My wife nearly left me when her emotional affair was found out, and she would have had to leave the kids here with me while she ran off to her boyfriend. The sad truth is, I'm a better parent than she is in a lot of ways...they would have damn sure been better off left with me had she actually left than they would have been with her and him.
It sounds to me from the tone of your posts that you've given up on your marriage...and given up in a lot of ways on your family too. Given all that...leave them with Dad...it sounds like he's made them the REAL priority in his life now.
__________________
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Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
I apologize to you and any other guy out there that may have taken my post as me implying that men aren't "the best parent" or something. I didn't mean it that way at all.
I know for a fact that some Dads are better parents than the Moms are. And I, in NO way, suggested that my husband was less suited to the job. I simply meant that I feel that kids really do need BOTH parents. I firmly believe that kids need to feel that they are loved unconditionally and in endless amounts. They have enough questions about the world that they are growing up in, they shouldn't have to ask if they are loved and by whom.
A good parent is a good parent. Gender has nothing to do with it.
I'm sure you all think that I'm a lousy parent, and probably a lousy person too. I get that a lot from my husband.
But just for a second imagine that you moved to Australia, you got married, you had kids, then your husband did something despicable to you and you don't love him anymore. You hate your job, you don't have any friends, and now you don't love your husband. But you have a whole set of family back here, and some friends too. You disagree with a lot of things the Australians do and you think it would be much better for your kids to live in the US. Wouldn't you be torn between your children needing both parents and what you think would be best for them in terms of the environment they grow up in? Would you still want to be with your husband? Could you? But you can't take the children.
Maybe most of what I'm posting here is just venting and hurt. That's what most of us do here, right? I have thought about staying with husband until the youngest graduates from high school but that's 15 more years, which is more than the time I've already lived in this country and more than twice as much as I've been married to him.
Lil Honey, I would be interested in knowing how you managed to stay with your husband for so long.
And to all of those who say I don't deserve my kids because I'm not willing to give up everything for them (which I haven't done yet, and I'm still with my husband), you have yet to convince me that a woman who chooses her career before her family is any more deserving of her children than I am. I stayed at home with my kids for 3 years and it's tearing me apart that because of my boss, my husband is the one who picks them up from school and spends more time with them.
I could never imagine living without my kids or living in a diffrent country than them for that matter. I know you have faimly in "whereever your from" but these kids are your faimly. I don't think you have given 110% for your children, you want to leave the country without them
Lil Honey, I would be interested in knowing how you managed to stay with your husband for so long.
Well . . . I was able to stay married because of a few things, actually.
First, my husband didn't do anything despicable. He has been disrespectful and a lot of other things, but I learned to ignore him as much as he ignored me. We have lived like roommates. And these days, I guess you're lucky if you can find a good roommate.
Second, I have older parents who came from a time when divorce was not an option, so I was wrestling with telling them that it was over, what other people would think, blah, blah, blah.
Third, "healthy" or not, I centered my life around my kids. My kids have been my everything, so my husband was . . . I dunno . . . this is going to sound cold, but . . . he was . . . just there. Anyhoo, everything that I've done, I've done with my kids in mind.
Stone, your comments are not helpful at all. I get enough negative feedback from my husband. Just for your information, just because somebody is thinking about something doesn't mean that she will do what she thinks, and it definitely doesn't mean that that person is bad for having "bad" thoughts. Afterall, then many of us would be murderers just because we entertained the thought of killing someone.
Lil Honey, thanks for your post. I can't believe you actually helped me make a decision. Why am I paying the shrink???
I decided to try to stick around until my son graduates from high school. Then we'll see. I'll have to find another way to reach my other goals in life.
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...but only tell you to extensively research them. Good luck.
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