[katty]

I can't understand why I can't get him out of my freakin head. I must be into self inflicting pain upon myself. I can't talk to my friends or family about how depressed I really am over ex b/c they can't understand what my problem is. They have never understood why I was in love with him in the first place. I can't explain how or why I can't release him but I can't . I try to stay busy with work and try really hard not to think about him but poof there he is once again. Why do I feel this way about him. Why am I thinking of him. He lives 3 hours away and we have none of the same friends etc. We dated for almost 2 years. I did NC and then when I did call him after we had been broken up for 2 months he told me he was engaged. I hate to be such a pitiful site but I am hurting like crazy. I hate feeling this way and I don't want to anymore. Everyone thinks my life is so great and that I have it easy when actually I have it very hard. One of my b/fs actually told me last night that I didn't know how lucky I was b/c I was a hottie (their words not mine) and I could pick and choose and have any man I wanted. Well hello if that was the case why am I missing and wanting my ex so bad and obviously he has moved on and I am still unwilling to accept it. We have no reason to run into each other or even hear from one another so I know he is gone forever. I was so devastated when he told me he was engaged. I felt like someone had just came in and stole my entrie world. I know it seems a little dramatic but I really truly believed he was my soulmate. I have had breakups before but none that has taken a toll on me like this one has. I am 34 years old I should not be so upset over someone who obviously doesn't want me. I just needed to vent. sorry. I am just so miserable and I have realized that I am not getting any better. I have no one to talk to about this b/c they all think it should be easy for me but its not. If anyone knows how I can move on please let me know. I am desperate, I will try anything. I am already doing the NC thing but he is still embedded in my freakin head and I can't get him out. Please help me. I am scared that I will never get over him. I have never felt this way before and yes I have been dumped before and had my heart broken but for some reason this one has made a lasting effect on me. I guess b/c I was so convinced that he was one of the few good ones. I just can't seem to move on even though he has.

[chicothechimp]

Let me give you a snapshot of my own situation.

My ex-GF broke up with me over two months ago now... she said that she needed 'time' and 'space' and 'to be alone for sometime'. Well, being the trusting guy that I am I took her at her word. Sort of. She did agree to still see one another 'as friends'. One our last official date she told me she loved me when I drove off. I was still optimistic.

Before she broke things off she was becoming increasingly distant emotionally. August had been a real tough month. When I look back I realize that the saddest thing is that she stopped being open and willing to talk about matters. She also introduced the discussion where she broke up with me with "why don't you tell me that you love me anymore?". It had only been a few days to a week (because of tension) but she was right. Despite initially agreeing to giving it another four months to work things out, she changed her mind a week into the new arrangement. It simply made no sense. What was going on inside of her. Conversation, fun, intimacy, sex and connecting had seemed very good to me when we were going out.

Things became increasingly bad from the time we officially broke up. She would no longer any calls or emails with any speed. She was blisteringly cold and formal much of the time. Yet, she would also have rare moments where she would be vulnerable, friendly, open and semi-intimate like the 'old days'. Needless to say I was totally confused. I read about NO CONTACT and decided that that is what must take place. So that is what I requested from her 3 weeks ago. She thought it a joke that I would last that long but agreed.

Well, in the next three weeks I found out that she had been connecting/messaging/contacting her new boss at work every single day. He is married and had kids. She would go up to his house for family events. I remember the first time that she wanted to get together for coffee with him just after she started work there, I asked her to be very cautious. Over the summer she mentioned getting together with him on other occasions... some alone. I again warned her that a wife is not going to be too thrilled with a hot young woman getting together with her husband. She said that she had met the wife and that she was a 'friend of the family'. Also, she took up a athletic class that he also takes (at the same place, same time!).

Like I said, in the past few weeks I firmly discovered how close they actually are. She confessed her love/interest for him romantically... yet had the audacity to lie to my face about it this week. I had nothing to lose so I warned her that a relationship with a married man is foolish, that adultery is a crime, that the wife would likely want to kill her when she finds out, and that the guy would likely be fired from work and have his career messed from a season when it comes out into the open. I have evidence I could pass on to the wife so that she can begin making changes. I was a rugged but caring guy (who does get very angry on occasions I will admit), musical, intellectual, versed in computers and I love life. She obviously preferred the conversations with this guy that initially connected them. How could she have been so foolish to not see where her heart was taking her? Basically, in hindsight, I think she broke things off with me because she was allowing herself to fall in love with him. She didn't need time and space for our relationship... she needed it for theirs!

So I am the dupe. I could see it happening from the first time they met (based on the fact that the dude gave her 2 hours of his time at work for their 'interview'). Part of me would like to kill him for not only taking my GF away but for robbing his wife of fidelity. But that is a road I refuse to enter. I have also pondered going to their work place and embarrassing them both with the evidence for all to see. Option three is to write/call the wife and simply warn her to looks for signs/evidence that her husband is having an affair. I know that they have either already started a sexual relationship or are on the edge of doing so.

I love her as a person and would be willing to forgive her. but she is seriously undermining her own confidence and self-respect in doing this.

I seriously doubt that your EX has fallen 'in love' with this woman. It is likely using her as a distraction. How could he possibly get over you that fast and then responsibly cultivate a new relationship afresh>? He just doesn't happen. You do have to ask how crappy you would be willing to let yourself be treated before you would realize that your own self-respect has been brutally impaired, too. I say have nothing to do with this guy. Real mature people are willing to work things out. He isn't in a responsible way. Yes, some people do test things to see how much people will let them get away with. Often this is subconscious or unconscious. Yet there is also a point where you just can't be allowed to be completely used and taken for granted. NO CONTACT for at least 6 months. Re-shape your life and priorities. If, after that time, he still wants to be toegther then GREAT! If not, then you have spared yourself decades of torture. Also, he needs to have worked on some of his own $hit during that time and experienced real, measurable change/difference.

I wake everyday ands think of my EX first thing. She is on my thoughts throughtout the day and at the very end of the day. I did love her with all the earthly love I had to offer. But she is now on a journey where she is waking and thnking of this other guy first thing and looking forward to chatting it up with him. That is very sad for me but it is the truth. I press on with some major changes that I am working at. She is not in the plans at all. My life is moving on and I am finding it to be the most painful 3 months of my existence to date. How she could be acting so selfish and immature I doubt I will ever grasp. But the season we shared wa real, FULL of love for most of it, refreshing, challenging, painful and, at the end, exceedingly devasting. My ability to trust others has been impaired. But I am slowly becoming whole again. One day at a time.

Hopefully this helps in some way. I. too, needed to get this off of my chest. Isn't it amazing how many time a person can cry in a week?



Chico

[katty]

yes it is insanely amazing how many times a person can cry. thank you so much for sharing with me. I guess the hardest thing for me is knowing that she is waking up in his arms every morning. I feel like such an idiot for being so depressed over this.

[ps123]

I posted to your other thread, but this one relates to me too. My friends and family are become less supportive too. They all kept saying really mean things about her and telling me I deserver way better and just seem to be getting sick of talking about it.

I also try to stay busy, but just cant today. I woke up missing her horribly and cant get out of it today. Im feeling really lonely even though I have lots of friends who care about me.

Ive been going over and over with my therapist trying to figure out why I care about this woman so much when she doesnt seem to feel the same for me. I did and do really like her and care about her. We have a lot in common and could talk for hours. I could go on for a while, but it doesnt matter at this point.
Like you, I also have female friends who are always telling me what a great guy I am. They say Im very attractive, in good shape, smart, funny, responsible, caring, etc...but its hard to believe when the person you really want doesnt want you. I got hit on at a party last night....and I mean REALLY hit on. This woman was telling me how hot I was and making it quite clear she was into me. She was quite a bit younger than me, but she was attractive. I just wansnt interested though. I couldnt look at her without thinking about the ex.

Yes, Im fairly sure my ex has moved on too. I dont think shes dating anyone else because the reason she ended things with me is that shes got too much going on in her personal life. She has a huge legal issue shes dealing with and wont tell me about and is working 60+ hours a week and on top of all that, her mother (who shes very close to) may be terminally ill. She just coudlnt deal with all this and date me too so she ended things. This is also confusing to me because Ive told her many times that Im there for her. Id think shed want me now more than ever, but it was the opposite. Anyways, Im having a really hard time accepting things too. I keep doing the "what ifs" today. What if I had done this..what if I had tried that....I cant stop doing it today for some reason.

Like you, Im also 34 and I know I deserve to be with someone that will care about me, but its hard to think that way right now. I understand what you mean about thinking he was one of the good ones. The woman I was dating had lots of issues and wasnt always the nicest to me, but we clicked on many levels and I was even telling my friends that I thought she might be "the one". Guess I was wrong.

I guess I just need to keep believing that it will get better as time goes on and hopefully Ill wake up oneday and she'll be just a fond memory. Im also really keeping myself in check that I dont start to really think bad thoughts about her. I know sometimes its easier to get over someone if you get mad about things, but I dont want to do that with her. I really care about her and I dont want to start hating her a month from now. Oh well, Im going to attempt to go to the gym to at least get out of the house for a while.

Hang in there. Trust what your friend said about you being able to get someone else. I know it doesnt help now and for me, the thought of being with another woman actually makes me sick to my stomach, but the fact that I know women are attracted to me does help me realize that shes not the only woman out there. I do know that jumping into another relationship wont help right now though. I need to get through this before I can move on to someone new. Life can be so hard sometimes, but I guess these things make us stronger. I just hope they dont make us more jaded too.