[BeingTornApart]

Great site…good to know that I am not alone in the world.

My wife and I have been married for 2 ½ years now, more than 5 years since we got together as bf/gf and 16 years since we became friends. She has been the one that I always had something for…the one person who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I have given most of my life to her as I supported her through most of her college life. She is the kind of person who loves the attention and an instant gratification person. She is a person that can be influenced easily by her friends and her co-workers. But not by me anymore.

For months now, our marriage has not been the same. She feels that she does not have the independence that she used to have and she feels trapped. She wanted to do the many things in life but now feels that she can not do it now that she is married even though I let her go do the things she wants to do. She spends more time with her girl/guy friends (who all happen to be single) than with her own husband. She knows and understands that she may be the problem…and she admits that she is not a great wife. She admits that I have treated her so well. But she seems to take it all for granted in a selfish way.

We do have separation in our minds (really in her mind) as she has already asked around for rooms for rent. How can we really fix things if we are separated? We have a house together but she does not want to stay with any of her friends and still wants her space to clear her mind. We do have plans to seek a counselor. Just today, I wanted to set our first session for tomorrow, but she has plans to go out the whole day and wants it another day.

I do have the feeling that she could be cheating on me as there are signs and the gut feelings. But I have no hard proof…but do I really want to know? If she is…I know it will definitely be over…no ifs ands or buts about it. But in everyway in what she does in how she acts and does not act…she is killing me inside…

Any help...advise…thoughts…are greatly appreciated.

[SadAndLonely]

Stop doing everything for her. Stop being such a great guy. Don't be a dick, but withdraw and be somewhat aloof. I learned quickly that the more I said, "I love you" to my boyfriend, almost to the point of nausea, the less he'd say it back. The second I stopped being so easy to take for granted, he came around.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by BeingTornApart
How can we really fix things if we are separated? [SNIP] still wants her space to clear her mind.

I believe you answered your own question here.

Many times in relationships, the individual issues become very tightly intertwined with the “couple” issues. The situation becomes complicated & convoluted.

A trial separation may be helpful this way, by taking some of the pressure off the relationship, & providing some emotional space, enabling each to sort through & resolve the individual issues that are causing the couples issues.

We do have plans to seek a counselor. Just today, I wanted to set our first session for tomorrow, but she has plans to go out the whole day and wants it another day.

How long ago did you make the appointment, & when did you tell her? Depending on how short the notice was, her request may be perfectly reasonable & legitimate.

You may wish to see the counselor individually, in the meantime.

I do have the feeling that she could be cheating on me as there are signs and the gut feelings. But I have no hard proof…but do I really want to know? If she is…I know it will definitely be over…no ifs ands or buts about it. But in every way in what she does in how she acts and does not act…she is killing me inside…

I know that’s hard. But before making accusations that may prove unfounded, be sure of what is taking place. If she won’t talk about it, you may have to do some investigating, either your own or with a professional. I believe you do have a right to know, & that she should at least have the decency to be honest & above board with you.

[twistedtexan]

She's cheating on you dude. Wether that is an emotional/and or physical affair. Confront her about her withdrawl from you in a non confrontational way. If she can look you in the eye and sincerely answer that she is not having relations with an OM, I'd still be skeptical.

Just sounds too familiar to me.

Sorry about your situation. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

You situation is very similar to mine, specially the part of the single friends. I think that is very important because thay feel trap. her friends don't understand your position bacause they are not married and think you are a party booper. Don't hink she is cheating unless you saw or heard something specific and obvious. I though mine was doing so and start spying even contacted a hacker and got all her passwords. She wasn't. She was spending time with other people because don't want to confront me.

P.S. that spying thing cost me my marriage.