[shaker1973]

So it's alomost been a month since the break up. Am I bitter yet - yes I would say so. He has a new girlfriend - they met 2 days before he left me. Which of course makes me feel like complete crap. He called a friend of ours and told her to tell to get over it move on with my life he has. I think the reason that really ticks me off - how can you move on so quickly from almost 3 years. Yes the last year was tough - we should have ended it months before. He was getting so critial of me, we weren't sleeping together anymore, he was talking to old girlfriends. He wanted it to be over along time ago - and for some stupid reasons I didn't leave. He told me was depressed because he lost his job again - for the 4th time that year. He told me was talking to old girlfriends to get closure - life is too short to go on hating. All the time, he trying to find some way to make me leave.

Right now I feel like even the bad that we had together is better than feeling this sense of complete worthlessness. What is wrong with me? Am i so bad? Whay didn't love me enough to stay? Why couldn't we stop being prideful and stubborn with each other? What is so bad about me that he would leave me like that. Leave while I was gone - not even face me. We couldn't even break up - he just left. Left without telling me anything - why what how. 3 days after he left he came over - unannounced. For 4 hours we talk and cried and hugged. He said he still loved me in someway. He just needed space. HE said so many things. Like he always did. And stupid me I was aking him to come home - when he had already cheated on me months before and now had a new one in the wings.

I have this habit of choosing men that need me - not want me - need me. Bill needed me. He had money kept losing his job, was in constant emotional trauma over something. He needed me - then when he met this new girl, he got a job that gave him an apartment as part of it. He didn't need me anymore. So he left. So now I am left here - feeling worthless, like I can never be loved again...why? I know it is for the best, I know that I will better without him. But every minute of everyday - all I see are these happy couples - TV, my neighbors, the stores - work. Everywhere, so why can't I have that. Why - because I hooked up the wrong men - but why am I so frigging stupid that I continue to do it.

I am not ready to date yet - but yet I feel like if I don't I am going to harbor all these old feelings for him. But I don't want to rush into dating and then just transfer all my feelings on to someone new. But how do I get over it with out having someone new in my life. I feel like if he knows I am single still it will validate why he left. He didn't love me anymore and I am so pathetic I can find someone new.

I just need something to help me stop thinking of him. I really did love him so much. And my love wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't enough to to make him happy to be with me. When things started going bad between us - I was so frustrated about him losing job after job - about having to take care of him - I shut down and stopped trying to make him happy. I know I shut down first. But i just wanted him to do something to change the spiral downwards. He never did he acclerated it. What ever we had wan't worth saving to him. I wan't worth it to him. And that is the whole point of this why wasn't I worth it?

[jellybean]

shaker1973,

I know how it hurts...I am in a similiar situation and keep asking myself those same questions.

I'm not going to offer you the usual, standby advice - 'move on', or 'time will heal your pain' - because you probably don't want to hear that right now.

You are going to be experiencing the whole realm of emotions associated with the loss, and that's okay...it's a painful journey - I know.

I don't really think you should consider dating just yet.

You may be having physical effects as well, your sleeping and eating patterns might suffer...try to take care of yourself.

[tokyo]

Ok, sweetie, stop pitying yourself here, this guy did act like a sh*thead when he decided to leave and didn´t tell you anything about it. But don´t forget that he wanted out all the time and you didn´t let him go.

You are not worthless, but you are the wrong person for him. He didn´t feel happy with you and that makes *him* the wrong person for you.

Don´t date needy man, there´s a difference between a man who loves you and a man who needs you. Needy people are selfish and self-absorbed, the last time they did anything for you usually is aeons away. They never bother about your problems, they have so many problems of their own. Stop believing that you are in this world in order to take care of a man. A man should want and not need you to solve his problems. You should support him, but it´s not your duty to give yourself up for one man. Because you also have a right to be happy and to be loved, not only your man.

You feel worthless, because all your self-confidence derives from the fact that your man is happy, when he´s not you feel like you have failed in your job. Don´t do this. You´re more than this and there´s more you can be proud of than the happiness of the man next to you.

I believe that in everyone there´s a divine spark (even though I´m not religious). Let´s call it something special in everybody that makes you unique and therefore not worthless. You´re a living being with a consciousness, isn´t that great? There´s always more to yourself than you see, more than you want to believe, but it´s there. Right now you´re down, but I´m convinced when you decide to leave the sadness and tackle your life and take responsibility for it instead of projecting your salvation on someone else, you´ll be happy.

Start doing something for yourself, the advantage of not being in a relationship lie in a lot more time for yourself, indulge yourself in things you like. Consider all the great things you can do in the evening, because you don´t have to be considerate to someone else. You can do what you want. Ever wanted to learn something new? Now´s the time to do so. Learn bellydancing (ok, that´s what *I* want to do), learn a new language, take dancing classes, etc. These are great possibilities to meet new people and make new friends. The more people you meet the greater are the chances that you will meet someone that you really like and vice versa.

I´ll tell you the best "revenge" is to move on and show them how strong you are.

Go for it, it´s your life!

[shaker1973]

THanks for all of your support. I know I need to get over - I know that. I am trying to go with the no contact thing. He left with out telling me where he was. I have since gotten his address and cell phone number. I put a letter his car on OCT 24 telling him I was taking him to court for all of the money he owes me and that I found out about his cheating. Then on Friday I wrote him a 2 and half page letter and mailed it to him. That letter just told him what and a**hoel I thought he was. I don't really want to contact him - but I just wanted to let him know that I knew where he was even though he tried to make sure I wouldn't find out. Our mutual friends are not being very helpful. Telling me about every time he calls and every conversation they have. I told them I don't want o know anymore. They are the same ones who gave the info on where he lives and his number. I think they want me to contact him. I feel like if I continue to contact him all I am doing is embarassing myself. I have not called him. I will not call him - but sometimes the hurt just gets so much I want to lash out at him. Because he as the new woman in his life he is doing fine with the no contact.

I know I am better than all this - but somehow saying it and really believing it right now is really hard.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by shaker1973
Because he as the new woman in his life he is doing fine with the no contact.

I know what you´re saying, I have felt the same. And I have a very hard time to get over people. I have felt many things that you have described in your post. I can see more clearly when it comes to other people´s situation, but I fail to cope with mine.

Stay away from your friends if they bugger you with contacting him. He left you and I don´t see any reason why you should contact him. If he contacts you then talk with him if you want, but don´t run after him. It will not help you.

[Just Visiting]

Ugh...I relate to this as well. I miss my ex. Especially this time of year as it was when we started going out, and it is a reminder. But he left me to go back to his ex and 2 kids without letting me know. Just left me, left me hanging. And I am still trying to get over it. I am not willing to embarass or lower myself by contacting him. And we haven't had any sort of contact for the past eight months.

It's hard, but I am doing everything I can to find the happiness within.