[klb6545]

15 years ago I met a beautiful woman, we were together for
about a year and a half. We were planning to get married when
we found out she was pregnant.

I was 25 and she was 18. I was ready to settle down and start
a family, but she was apparently not ready for a baby.

I ended up bonding with our son the most after he was born
becuz she would just fall into these deep states of depression.

One day she just up and left when our son was 6 months old.
she returned to her home state in Wisconsin and got married to
a very wealthy man (go figure)

That was 15 years ago....

She has never had any contact with our son at all, by her own
choice. It was like he never existed. She also had 2 children from
the guy she married and then ran off and left him with those kids!

Last I heard, she was living in California with some guy who flys
planes in an air show!

My son is now 15, I have been raising him on my own since his
mom left, 14 1/2 years ago. He is the world's GREATEST kid!
Terrific grades, well behaved, respectful and a natural born leader!

Here's my problem....

In the past 15 years, I haven't had much luck with women. I
don't have a problem getting dates or anything like that, it's
just that I seem to only attract women that want to have a
relationship with me and John, Larry, Bob, Bill, Steve, etc...

Maybe i'm just a little bit too old-fashioned but I am so tired
of having to compete for a woman's attention.

I've actually had a woman tell me to my face, that she enjoyed
being with me because I represented everything she wanted in
a GOOD man, but that she was also seeing another guy that
was married and a complete DOG to women because she liked
the excitement of having a BAD boy too!

Am I missing something here? My mother raised all her sons to
treat women like gold. I could never disrespect a woman, even
if I tried.

Now I have this feeling in my gut that every woman I meet, will
eventually run off and leave me for someone else. I can't help
but think that my son's mother has screwed up my head!
I don't have any feelings at all for her. I know I am better off
without her but I kept help but feel she has something to do with
all the relationship problems i'm having now.

I know it's been 15 years and I have moved on...
But it's like I get stuck when it comes to starting another
relationship.

I don't like feeling this way, I hate it! I know in my heart that not
all women are like that, yet... these are EXACTLY the type of
women I am meeting!!! Is that weird or what?

I'm starting to think the damage is permanent. I have never been
married and I just turned 40. The guys I grew up with are all married
and many of them are unfaithful and disrespect their wives.
But they ARE married and I'm still single!

I'm not trying to force anything or make anything happen. I haven't
even been on a date in almost 4 years. I have just decided to drown
myself in being a good father.

I hate going to family reunions becuz my friends and family are
always saying "Your Not Married Yet?" It's sooooooo embarrassing!
I have struggled with this for years and have never received any
answers. No one seems to know why a decent, hard-working man
that has raisied his son on his on for the past 15 years, can't seem
to find a faithful woman. I can tell by the look in their faces that they
think there is something wrong with this picture... I agree!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[hulavie]

I feel sorry for you when reading your post.

I think perhaps it's quite true that what she did has left some permanent effect on you. Like you said, you don't want to hurry anything. That's good.

Really. It's no big deal to be married, it would be a bigger deal if you married the wrong person.

Just wanted to say that you have a big heart for being such a good father to your son all these years. It looks to me that the women you have been dating are the true losers for not realizing what a gem you really are.

[Urban Rubble01]

Well man, I'm only 22, so this may not carry much weight, but I feel you on this.

I don't have much to offer in advice but I just want to let you know I know how you feel. I haven't had to worry about meeting other girls in over 3 years, and now that I'm in the situation it's rough. All the girls I meet are just so different from me ! Different values, different beliefs. I can handle being different when it comes to small things, music tastes, movie tastes, politics, but it seems no women are in any way like me when it comes to the things that really matter ! I always realized how perfect we were for each other, but now that I'm forced to see what else is out there that point is reinforced 100 times more than it ever was. I've always had this fear of losing her, obviously because I love her, but also because I knew how hard it would be to find someone I'm compatible with. Skateboarding socialists don't quite attract the women you know ?

I'm with you on the nice guy thing too. I've always been that way. I'm always the guy that girls wants as a friend, they always "know someone who'd be perfect for you". I think they key is, don't treat them badly, but when you're kind of new to each other you've got to make it seem like you're indifferent. Don't be over eager, don't call too much. I try to find a balance. I'm a nice guy in the sense that I open doors, I try to make them feel good, but at the same time I'm not a pussy. Don't be an *******, obviously, but don't be TOO nice. Even the most normal stable girls in the world still have that thing for a "bad boy". So be tough, be a man, just don't be a dick. And if you're trying to get them interested, some headgames can actually work (as bad as that sounds). If you get a number, wait a day or two longer than you said before you call. Women are attracted to that kind of "aloofness".

[klb6545]

To hulavie:
I appreciate your comments.
and your right...

It's probably not a big deal to be married...

I just think that everyone should have
that someone special in their lives.

I'm not necessarily trying to find someone to marry...
I'm just trying to find someone honest.

To Urban Rubble01:

Thanks for the reply....
Even though my son is only 15 years old, he's not
too young to give his old man some good sound advice
from time to time, so your age is not a problem...trust me.

I don't act desperate or anything like that when I get to
know a woman, I usually take it very nice and slow.

The problem is not so much how they see me...

It's when I find out that I'm not the only one their looking at.

[Urban Rubble01]

I wasn't trying to imply that you're coming off as desperate. I guess I just feel that women want what they can't have (like we all do). So when you're sitting there being nice, opening doors and showing that you care, they're looking at the jerk across the room that isn't paying attention to them at all. Being desperate's got little to do with it, they'll act this way even if they only know that you're interested !

Guys don't have this problem because we're so used to women acting as if they don't need (or want) us, that we're automatically hooked when one shows interest ! It's the opposite for women. They go through life with every guy showing interest, so they become attracted to the ones that don't care. It's a confusing, ****ed up world we live in. The more I see how damned weird most women are, the more I want my sweet, caring NORMAL girlfriend back !

[vee]

[quote]Originally posted by klb6545
In the past 15 years, I haven't had much luck with women. I
don't have a problem getting dates or anything like that, it's
just that I seem to only attract women that want to have a
relationship with me and John, Larry, Bob, Bill, Steve, etc...

I don't like feeling this way, I hate it! I know in my heart that not
all women are like that, yet... these are EXACTLY the type of
women I am meeting!!! Is that weird or what?

I'm starting to think the damage is permanent. I have never been
married and I just turned 40. The guys I grew up with are all married
and many of them are unfaithful and disrespect their wives.
But they ARE married and I'm still single!

You sound like a terrific guy. I had a similar problem meeting men that I wanted to marry. I stayed single until I was 38 and finally married the right man...or so I thought. He left me 4 months ago for another woman after 12 very happily married years. So I guess that I picked yet another bad man.

First, damage is never permanent, even though it may feel that way. It certainly does to me now. But I know that in time, I'll recover and move on. So have you.

Second, always meeting the wrong person seems to happen to alot of us "nice" people. Why, I don't know. I suspect that we somehow attract the wrong kind. With that information, I sought counseling for many years, before I met my husband. So, when I finally met my husband, I thought the counseling paid off in that I met a man who I wanted to marry and who wanted to marry me. Although counseling helps in many, many ways and I would highly recommend it in your situation, it is not a guarantee of a happy ending. Unfortunately, luck/fate has a hand in our future. (However, don't ever marry another woman who you suspect wants other men, because then you're already starting out a loser.)

Third, your friends who are married and cheating should have divorced their spouse if they are not happy. Trust me on this. There is nothing worse in the world than having your spouse cheat on you and/or leave you for another. To me, this is not a marriage, but a terrible betrayal. You do not want to be married and feel the need to cheat or have your spouse cheat on you. It is better to be single.

Finally, since I will soon be single myself again, the best advice I can give you is to be true to yourself. Do not compromise on a woman just to be married because that is certain pain. (Even though I thought my husband and I would be forever, I did compromise on certain traits in a major way and he ended up betraying me in the end.) Keep looking, do not give up. Try asking friends and family to introduce you. If that network is exhausted, make sure you go out with friends-don't stay home. Even though I think a bar is the hardest place to meet a woman of integrity, there are some out there - like me. Frequent bar/restaurants. If none of these things work, try your religious affiliation - most religions have a singles group. You can dabble in singles on line, although this can be a slippery slope. Try a legitimate video dating singles company. The minute you realize a woman is not what you want, move on, don't waste time.

Most importantly, do not give up. Keep trying. Eventually, if you keep at it, you will have luck in finding someone. Once I heal, I will be joining you in my own search for another partner in life. Like you, my goal is to share my life with a worthy, significant other. But if you compromise your ideals too much, it's worse than being single.