My husband doesn’t satisfy me sexually, and I feel guilty about what I do.
I have been married for over 8 years to a wonderful man, he is loving, great with our 3 kids, provides for me extremely well financially, good looking, funny, etc. I truly love him and never want to be away from him. So what’s the problem?
He doesn’t satisfy me in bed.
Quick Background, I have been with a lot more partners than he has (he doesn’t know this), we started our romance in a whirlwind way, I was married and cheated on my husband with him. I got pregnant, got divorced and got married all in less than a year.
I’ve been living this sexual lie with him and have only been satisfied about 20 times in 8 years by him.
I will be truthful and I hope it doesn’t make me sound to bad. Here it goes: he’s small down there and well I find that a turn off or at least not a turn-on. When we got married I kept seeing my ex-husband and another guy for the first year, but I got pregnant again and I was so worried about who’s child it was that I decided to not cheat anymore. Well that lasted for about 3 years. About 4 years ago I started seeing other men on the side. I was always truthful with the men. I told them I was married and did not want a relationship, just basically sex. This has helped me sexually and has actually led to a better homelife with my husband and me.
So what’s the problem?
Overriding guilt, I truly love my husband and I want to be satisfied, but god it just doesn’t happen. I don’t want to divorce him, but I need satisfaction without this shadow of guilt.
Well, let me ask you this, because I haven't seen any reference to it in your post. Have you talked this over with him? Be tactful and sensitive (and loving), and let him know about your frustration. Discuss tactics that might help. He might have some ideas along those lines as well. I really feel that its very likely that you can solve this first problem if you both work at it. For most women (and most men, tho we'll never admit it! ) this isusually more about emotions than the physical aspects. My guess is that you've got other issues that you need to deal with in your relationship as well, and those would be impacting ALL of your relationship.
You've got one other major thing you're going to have to deal with as well. If you have any desire to TRULY have a marriage with this man, you're going to have to come clean about what's been going on, and work to repair the damage that that has done. I would hazard a guess that you've become dependent upon those other men, and quit trying to work this out with your husband. Drop the outside relationships no matter how much you want them, and concentrate on finding what you want with the man you chose as your lifepartner. If you two manage to work through the damage done by the extramarital contacts, you will likely find yourself wanting to be with him more than ever...and that will show up in the areas you've been feeling at a loss in as well.
I freely admit that this is just all my conjecture, but you might give it some thought.
I think a lot of your problem is psychological. If you could come clean with him about all of your past, you would probably be more relaxed with sex. Take it from me, cleansing yourself from these lies would take a big weight off your shoulders. It may even bring you closer. In the meantime, why not satisfy yourself. There's no shame in that.
Your story is very sad. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you
what you are doing to him? You say you love your husband but you have
sex with other men and put your husband's health at great risk for STD's.
You get pregnant and are not even sure who the husband was.
My guess is that you do not have a clue what the word love means. Why not
be honest with your husband and tell him the truth so he can decide how he wishes to live his live and maybe find someone who can truly love and respect him.
It is clear that you seem to care less that you humiliate, disrespect, and put your husband at great health risk. How can you celebrate your anniversaries when you
husband says he loves you and is proud that you are his wife? Again try a new
concept in your life and be honest with your husband about what you have done and are doing to him. It is the very least that you owe him. Would you want your children to grow up and humiliate and disrespect their spouse the way you are
doing to your husband?
I doubt your husband's size has all that much to do with your cheating. You cheated on your first husband. You have cheated all along. You are a habitual cheater. Clearly you have had enough sexual experience to realize that there are other means by which to get sexual satisfaction and that a man can be taught the things which please you most. You cheat because you want to.
Your problem does not lie with your husband. It is something inside yourself that needs fixing.
About 4 years ago I started seeing other men on the side. I was always truthful with the men. I told them I was married and did not want a relationship, just basically sex. This has helped me sexually and has actually led to a better home life with my husband and me.
So what’s the problem?
Overriding guilt, I truly love my husband and I want to be satisfied, but god it just doesn’t happen. I don’t want to divorce him, but I need satisfaction without this shadow of guilt.
As you pose the question, you're trapped between a rock and a hard place: a marital life of infidelity or sexual dissatisfaction leading to divorce.
You mentioned having three kids. I can see why divorce is the last option.
If the goal is to keep your family together, and find at least a measure of sexual satisfaction, I recommend continuing very discreet sexual affairs where both birth control and safe sex are practiced. Just don't fall in love , get pregnant or contract a STD. There's risk involved but these affairs appear to help your marriage--at least for now.
If you don't want to continue the affair option, you can try a combination of individual and couples therapy. While this therapy won't make your husband any larger you just might, at the end of the process, care less about the size of his equipment. Or, again, you might not.
Whatever happens--you're walking a high wire without a net. And there are four others up there with you. May you find the happiness you so desperately seek without taking all of them down with you.
You are putting your husband's health at risk. You are married to him, apparently, for absolutely no good reason. You are not upholding your marriage and the faith your husband places in you. I hope that you do feel some guilt over your situation and your actions, as they are wrong. I think you need to tell your husband everything that you have done, and why. I think if you had spoken to your husband about your concerns as soon as they hit you, your marriage could have been salvaged. I believe you owe him the truth, and owe him explanations.
Just so you know, not feeling satisfied is NOT a legitimate excuse to cheat on him repeatedly.
I've also been married to a great guy for over 10 years. I've had over a dozen lovers in that time span. Some of which were one nighters others I'm still having (sex) w/ to this day. 4 of the men have taken me on business trips and vacations. The sexual adventures could fill a book. Once I was taken to Nassau w/ a lover for over a week of partying and non stop sex. What is different about my situation versus yours is my husband is fully aware of my activities and doesn't have a problem w/ it. Its a major turn-on for both of us when I return to him. And I allways return.
Try being honest w/ your SO. You might be surprized!
Yes I have talked to him about it and we have tried different things, including sex counseling. The first counselor, a woman blamed me, the second counselor, a man, was more understanding. As far as the issue being emotional, I don’t really think that it is. My satisfaction comes internally when most women’s come externally. It’s hard to be satisfied when you cant really feel anything
As far as coming clean. Sorry but NO WAY, I have seen too many marriages break up when the partner (male or female) comes clean because of guilt. I have heard many psychologist and marriage counselors say that this is one issue that is best left in the dark.
ThumbingMyWay
I didn’t see your 1st post, but you are right I do feel guilty and I do want to be committed, but at what cost? For 3 years I was completely committed to my husband but just imagine being sexually turned on and never getting satisfaction for 3 years. It made me frustrated and irritable and actually caused more fights in our marriage than now. Our marriage is happier now but I am feeling more and more guilt.
Bryanp,
I satisfy my husband, and if I didn’t, well, this may sound strange but since I am in that position I would want him to be satisfied. As far as what Love means I truly believe that love = commitment, and in every aspect I am committed to him except one and I feel terrible about it.
Anon,
It has passed my mind that I might be some sort of sexual addict, or maybe I just have a very high sex drive, I don’t know. As far as teaching my husband please read my comment to OWL.
If I could be “fixed” I would love it. Again I have seen counselors some side with me and some side with my husband. So how do you fix me? That is the Million dollar question and why I am here.
Immoralist
You have seemed to sum up my problem the best, are you a professional?
As far as falling in love with somebody else, people here just don’t understand. I don’t think I could love anybody else other than my husband. He is a saint, perfect in every way, except for one tiny problem (sorry bad pun). I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love my kids and he is a great dad, I don’t want to break us up.
Faux
Immoralist summed it up very well
“A marital life of infidelity or sexual dissatisfaction leading to divorce.”
I married my husband because I love him, I truly do. But could you live in a relationship knowing that you will never be satisfied again? Think about it, Could You? Before you judge me so harshly try to be empathize, you might be surprised at how your outlook changes.
Anon2
Yes I married him because I loved him and I thought his size didn’t matter.
There is a small possibility that ONE child might not be his, the other two are his.
Masturbate, what do you think I did for 3 years. I don’t know if you are a woman or a man, but masturbating is like comparing a piece of wonder bread to a 5 course extravagant meal. Please.
Toys, we have, but a toy is just that a toy and not the real thing.
If you catch an STD and pass it on to your H, how are you going to keep your infidelity a secret then? or what if one of your lovers wants more and becomes a scorned lover who tells your H about your sexual rendevouz with him and other men?
So far you've gotten lucky but luck has a habit of turning against those that rely on it.
__________________ "If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes, You Would Never Again Question Your Beauty"
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
) this isusually more about emotions than the physical aspects. My guess is that you've got other issues that you need to deal with in your relationship as well, and those would be impacting ALL of your relationship.
Linear Mode
