My wife and I have been married for 8 months, and have a 3 year old son. I picked her up from work tonight and she said she had something to tell me. She said, that we were not right for each other and she was not happy. She said she regrets getting married, and has felt like this for some time, but didnt want to say anything for fear of hurting me.
I tried being rational and we had quite a long conversation, no yelling or anything, which she said that we were not right for each other, and she feels chained and has no freedom (she is 24, I am 28). SHe says she loves me, but thinks it is more as a friend than anything else. She admitted that she doesnt want sex sometimes because she does not want to deceive me, rolls over in bed and makes an excuse for doing so etc.
I am extremely hurt by this and have managed to hold myself together. She said she needed to go out for a while to think, and has now been gone for an hour (i do not know where she went).
What should I do? She said that we should seperate, and that one of us should move out. I also got her to admit she has only felt this way for the last 4 or so months, everything was OK before that. She has recently lost an aunty and has had a lot of stress on her, but she seems deadly serious.
Could be depression. Was she close to her aunt? Has there been a noticeable change in her attitude since then? Have you discussed to idea of counseling?
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Yep, quite close, her favorite aunty. We have always had fights, but not half as bad as what they have been lately. We have been on the verge of seperation for the last month. All over minor things, which she just totally explodes about. I also thought it may be depression and stress, but it is hard to tell her that without it going down the wrong way. In her family, there runs a mental deficiency, nothing major, but mood swinging. I have told her numerous times to go see a Doctor and sort it out but she never has.
I did ask my wife before she left if we should go to counseling and she said she didnt know. It frustrating, because part of me things it is not happening, and she is depressed/stress, and the other half of me thinks, this could be it ...
Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Read the info on <URL removed> and see if any of that sounds like your situation.
Do you want the marriage to continue?
Why?
You need to answer these questions for yourself and then ask them of her. Set some goals and get some counseling to help you right now.
You each made a commitment and you should both put forth every effort to make the marriage work and be happy. If one, or both of you do decide that the marriage should end, you will both be able to say that you did everything you could to save it first and that should help the parting and help you both with your parenting by reducing the amount of resentment that is bound to build up.
Try marriage builders for a start and sit down with your wife and discuss ways in which you can stay together to work on the marriage.
If she absolutely will not go for counseling, or discuss what you learn about yourself and the marriage, then all you can do is let her go and focus on being a good parent.
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After she came home last night, I was already asleep. She cuddled me in the morning, and said she still doesnt know what to do. She said her heart is not in it - what exactly does that mean? She said she was sorry for feeling the way she is, but her heart is not in it.
I really don't know what I can do or say. I am very upset, but I do not show that in front of her. I said we should work on it, and she said she doesnt know if she wants to or not. Should I give her space, or should I lavish things on her, hoping for her to change her mind?
I know how you feel, but my husband didn't do this until we were married for 2 years and our daughter was 2. He woke me up one morning and said he was leaving. That was it. I had no say in the decision and I felt so lost. Eventually we got back together but I never fully trusted him for hurting me. We stayed together 2 more years and I had enough. I couldn't live my life wondering if he really loved me or was just comfortable with me. We have been seperated now for 7 months and are friends again. This have been hard but he now realizes that he does love, just not as a husband should love a wife. We are SO much better friends than we were husband and wife, at least the last two years. It is my advice to try and work on these problems with a professional. I know you have asked her if she would like to go to counseling and she said she didn't know. Just don't push her because she will resent you if it doesn't end up working later. I know how you feel and it does hurt. You both have a child to think about too and I think it is great that you didn't yell when you fought. I can't promise anything, but in my situation, it got better once we weren't "attached" to one another. Good luck!
I think it has to do with her emotionally, she is a very up and down girl (emotion wise) and has highs and severe lows. She refuses to see a doctor about it, but I know if she got that sorted out everything would be OK.
I would love to go see someone, but I dont want to push it, because she is stubborn and would take it the wrong way. She has been talking to some of her friends, which I really do not know, and also her mum (who doesnt really like me), and I am afraid that they are saying things to her when I am not around.
I really love her, and our son, and would be devestated if we ever did have to seperate.
Sounds like my wife and our situation. She lost her brother almost 5 years ago and we lost our newborn daughter 6 months ago. It has caused some problems in our marriage as well. I have asked her about seeing someone to talk about these losses and she thinks I am calling her crazy. I think she would be crazy if these losses didn't cause her some level of depression.
Time can heal this on it's own, but you just don't know how long it will take. If she just won't consider seeing a counselor or getting help with her grief, the only thing I can suggest is to try and be supportive. You will probably have a few fights over small stuff, and she will probably blow up at you for silly things. Try to be patient and understanding. She is just letting off steam and emotions so try not to take too much of what she says to heart.
So, what does she mean when she says 'my heart is not in it'. Is it got to do with her emotions (depressed etc) because I refuse to believe it. You just dont fall out of love overnight, especially since just last week, everything was great, and she was happily talking about our 1 year wedding anniversary?
It really sounds like depression to me. Her heart is aching from the lose of her aunt. Feeling intimate and loving towards you is the farthest thing from her mind and she might feel guilty about that. Just try to be supportive through her difficult time.
It does sound like depression. My wife, has that. We've only been married since August. We've been going to counseling since May, because she's had a bad past due to family issues, being raped, etc.. She was always on the go, keeping herself busy. Going to school, living by herself, working full time. Now that she is with me, she has time on her hands. Time that has gotten her to deal with the issues that she kept way down inside of her.
She at times has also told me she not happy. What I had to find out, through the help of my counselor was that I was not the cause of her unhappiness. When your wife talks to you about being unhappy, tell her this (this is what was told to me by my counselor): 'I know you are unhappy, but in my heart I don't believe I am the only source of your unhappiness'. Let her know that you think she might be in depression, and that depression is an illness. It makes people say and do things to the ones closest to them that normally they would never do.
I was diagnosed with depression a few years back. I am out of it now, but I know from experience how hollow you feel when you have it. You don't want to feel this way, it's something that is inside you. I'm sure with some anti-depressants and some counseling she can pull through this. Don't lavish her with gifts, emotions, etc.. You are trying to make her happy, which she will resent. This is because she is depressed.
Don't act cold towards her either. The best thing you can do for her is to tell her that 'I am here for you when you want to talk'. But then, don't push the issue. Her coming to you is a big step for her.
In the mean time you need to take care of yourself. Don't get demoralized over this and don't panic. It's rough because I see my wife going through this and at times she says things to me that hurt, but I know I can't take personally. Hang in there.
Could it be someone else? The night before she said all those things, she bumped into an old male friend at the pub, whom she had not seen for a couple of years. They never had a sexual relationship, but were just friends?
Could a chance meeting like that, which only lasted a couple of hours, have her thinking about the marriage. Maybe she saw something in him which she does not see in me etc?
Things have been alright since that night though. She has started slowly to come around to herself again, and things seem to be kind of on the right track. But it does disturb me about this friend. She really wants him to see Hayden, but she always talks to him when I am not around - should I be worried?
This sounds quite abit like what I have been going through. We lost our newborn daughter in February, problems started and then an old friend pops into the picture. Not a boyfriend, but that was by her choice not his. He also spoke to my wife when I wasn't around. At one point my wife told me that the loss of our daughter made her question alot of choices in her life. One of which was that I was the only man she had ever been with, sexually. She didn't know if she regretted the choice of marrying me when she hadn't experienced what else life had to offer.
When we lose a loved one it is not uncommon to ask ourselves if we are living our lives to the fullest. If we died tomorrow would we have any regrets? I can't give you any guarantees, but I think she will move past those what if feelings.
I think you should look into getting her some help if possible. If she doesn't want to go talk to someone maybe you should go talk to someone to learn how to help her through this. As I have been learning the hard way your instincts on trying to comfort her are not always the best thing to do and could make the situation worse. It does sound like she needs some help and if she won't do it directly then you may need to get her help indirectly.
Originally posted by VerySad5
I think it has to do with her emotionally, she is a very up and down girl (emotion wise) and has highs and severe lows. She refuses to see a doctor about it, but I know if she got that sorted out everything would be OK.
VS5:
Do you really believe that everything will be fine if she gets treatment for this possible bi-polar / depressive state? What if she gets treatment and still doesn’t want to be with you? Or is it possible that her unhappiness in the marriage is causing the depression and not vis-versa? These are all difficult questions, but those that I encourage you to think about.
Having been in a similar situation, the most difficult thing to accept is that you may never know the reasons for her current feelings or the causes of her depression. Even though you love your wife dearly, are you really willing to be in a relationship where you don’t know where you stand, or if you are constantly wondering whether you are loved? (Sometimes you have to take care of you)
My suggestion would be to separate and let her work on her issues without your influence. This will be incredibly, heart-wrenchingly painful, but she is the only one who can address these issues, and until she does, it is probably not healthy for you to be with her. I know the feelings of wanting desperately to help someone, but ultimately the only person who can help her is herself.
Very sad, that is very sad...My heart feels for you and the pain you must be feeling. The horrible thing is once someone decides its over, emotionally and physically...It becomes one sided and once that person feels that way there isn't alot you can do. I am not sure if this is the case of your wife, but from what you said, it doesn't look good.
Be as honest with her as you can...Maybe some time apart, some therapy for each of you, separately and together may help. No matter what you will always share the bond because of your child. Maybe she is depressed and cannot feel any emotion right now. Did she had PPD after your child was born? Just asking.
I do hope things work out. You obviously love her with all your heart.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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